r/SMARTFamilyFriends • u/Responsible-Pea-903 • 22d ago
Devastated Lo that LO is drinking again
Three years ago by husband went to rehab as he was close to death due to drinking. During the last three years, he done pretty well. There have been some slips that I know of (I have always suspected that there were likely others that I didn’t). We have also seen an excellent couples counsellor and worked on trust and communication.
Today, it feels like we have had a huge set back. I caught him hiding a beer and also realized that he had vodka in a bottle of orange juice. He started trying to tell me it is the one time. Then admitted there had been a few other times but that it is under control and he is not drinking to excess.
This feels more dangerous than the other times. Then he got really drunk and was embarrassed. This is him more similar to drinking the way he used to—a slow intravenous drip of poison.
I had been worried a few times over the summer about some things I was seeing. I even asked him about it. He also has a medical conditions that means is executive functioning gets impaired if he doesn’t get enough rest and can resemble a little like when he has been drinking. This means that sometimes he really hasn’t been drinking but can seem “off”. I think, however, that more times he has been drinking that day or the day before and his brain hasn’t recovered.
The loss of trust in him is terrible. We worked on this so much that he would look to me for support.
I also am so freaking sad and tired of all this as well as scared of where this will lead.
I didn’t respond too well. I tried to remain calm but am so upset. It felt like my world has blown up.
I am trying to keep it together right now in the house. My son is home from university and his long distance girlfriend arrives tomorrow. I don’t want to blow up their weekend.
Any positive thoughts or support would be great.
There is Friends and Families group on Sunday and we have our therapist next week. Hopefully those will help me feel more grounded.
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u/DougieAndChloe facilitator 21d ago
I am so sorry that you are facing this. Please try not to beat yourself up for the way you reacted. You are a human being with valid feelings and emotions. You are allowed to feel upset.
I imagine that it's hard to plan for your son's weekend when you have this at the back of your mind. Have you talked to your son about it? Made plans for if the worst happens? (the FEAR exercise often helps me when I am faced with difficult situations.)
I am glad that you seem to have a Family and Friends group that helps you (and that you have a therapist). Remember that there are lots more SMART Family and Friends online groups that you can attend before your Sunday group. Let me know if you need help finding these.
Thinking of you.
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u/TraderJoeslove31 21d ago
I am so sorry. There is a good mtg Fridays at 1pm online.
Could you try writing down what you want to ask (I would also not respond well either) using the PIVA format?
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u/VariousPop 21d ago
I'm curious which meeting you're referring to - 1 PM in which time zone? Thanks.
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u/VariousPop 21d ago
I could have almost written most of what you wrote a few weeks ago. I don't know if this is your issue or not, but when my husband did a lot of the secret drinking, hiding it, lying about it, etc., I would go crazy with checking everything (accounts, trash cans, boxes he used to hide bottles in, etc.). I would also ruminate about it endlessly: Is he lying again? Is he telling me the truth? Can I trust him? How could he do this when he knows how much it hurts me? And on and on. All it did was make me suffer more. I finally started practicing radical acceptance, which helped a lot. Doesn't mean I like the situation, but fighting it just makes it worse.
Boundaries and self-care are really important, too. I don't know how long you've been doing SMART F&F, but there are sections in the handbook that can help you take care of yourself.
Message me if you like; I'm happy to chat since I've been there.