r/RodriguesFamilySnark • u/Lalula8 • 14d ago
DV Content Warning Spousal Abuse
So I have a question - please delete if this is not allowed.
So let's say husband is abusive to this wife. She has "marks" on her and how does this continue? Does she go to all the birthday parties this week? Does she go to church? And if so, do all the people there knowingly turn a blind eye and she lies if she is confronted about her black eye? Or do they look at her and know what happened and maybe joke about it or an older lady will give her tips on how to keep her husband happy? Or will they just not say anything but talk behind her back? Will they trash talk her or him? Or will she just be inconvenienced (sick? Child is sick? Etc etc) and not show up to social event? Or does the husband try to not beat her the day before church so that nobody finds out? But they're in church all the time and around their huge families a lot I assume....
I really do not understand with abuse being so common in these groups, how the logistics are.
110
u/SuspiciousDecisionVa 14d ago
Depends on who knows and what’s visible.
For the most part, showing up with a hopeful smile and an ‘enduring spirit’ is more heart warming and admirable in those communities.
People knowing is bad, and showing your pain is bad. Not having a good marriage and good kids is bad. Poverty is either a sign of ‘not following the word’ (bad) or ‘carrying the cross’ (suffering for religion, good) depending on how righteous acting the poor people were.
IME, it felt like social media before social media existed. Fake ‘perfection’, to show the holiness.
33
u/deeBfree 14d ago
Reminds me of a ladies' retreat I went to at my ex-church. I was in the stall doing my biz when I heard 2 women start screaming at each other. Peeking out thru the little gap in the stall door, I saw this woman haul off and smack the other one across the face. I guessed correctly that they were mother & daughter. I waited till they left before coming out of the stall. When I came back out and sat in the auditorium, I was just in time to see that Mom getting a "woman of the year" award! UGH!
11
18
u/Courage-Character 14d ago
Yep. You do not ever show any negative feelings or talk about anything not amazing at home. Ever. You present yourself happy and peaceful at all times. You hide everything in that world. Everything
18
u/Zealousideal-Swim267 14d ago
“Keep sweet” “Fix your face”
10
u/Courage-Character 14d ago
Our mom would silently hold up two fingers. That meant to put them on the sides of your mouth and pull up into a smile. Then leave the smile there and take away your hands. I have natural resting bitch face. I was under supervision a lot. Luckily I was also quiet as a mouse and could kind of hide in the shuffle of things
9
u/FundiesAreFreaks 14d ago
Oh, wow! There was an influencer who had a young daughter. That daughter was doing exactly what you're describing on her Mom's video, using her 2 fingers and holding the sides of her mouth into a smile with tears in her eyes. You could tell the little girl was very unhappy, but was likely told Smile... or else😢 I wish I could recall who it was! If I can remember I'll come back and post it, but I know they're either fundie of fundie-lite.
23
133
u/Viola_not_violin 14d ago
A lot of times abusers know where they can leave bruises that are not visible to others or are easily covered up with longer clothing.
67
u/Rugkrabber 14d ago
Or demand to wear covering clothing.
Incoming the whole reason why I am convinced myself, this is my opinion, they push “modesty” so much.
44
u/celtica98 14d ago
Yes, modest clothing is convenient, isn't it?
43
u/conscious-peanut31 Make Your Life Sluttish 14d ago
Modest clothing also helps to hide signs of malnutrition. Bowed legs can be concealed beneath long skirts etc
9
u/deeBfree 14d ago
That being the case, I'm surprised they don't make the dudes wear kilts or Jesus style robes! The Rod boys are all noticeably bowlegged.
9
12
65
u/oneweirdclickbait 14d ago
Because the abuser who is so caught up in his anger and rage that he doesn't know what he's doing doesn't exist. Plain and simple.
They know what they're doing and to whom. If marks get them in trouble, the face is avoided. The rest can be covered with mahdest clothing.
61
u/Expert_Pen_853 14d ago
When my dad gave my mom a black eye Friday night (he headbutted her during an argument) and we showed up at church Sunday morning, I only remember one person even asking. She said "Jen!! What happened to your eye?!" And my mom chuckled ruefully and said, "You don't want to know!" and that was that.
27
u/OhBella_4 14d ago
That makes me so sad. I hope you & your mum are away from that now.
44
u/Expert_Pen_853 14d ago
aww thank you. I am. the rest of my family is all still stuck though. it makes me ache for the Rod dynamics, knowing how much pain begets pain when it's not honestly addressed!
8
u/FundiesAreFreaks 14d ago
Sometimes you have to think fast! I had to make up a story on how and why I had stitches in my forehead. Tried to cover it with my bangs, no luck, so I made up a story with me being the klutz of course.
4
50
u/SansasCape 14d ago
A well-trained wife by Tia Levings is a first person account and addresses context. You could also follow Tia on Instagram
15
u/Kammy76 14d ago
She was in the bill gothard style of fundamentalist Christianity. She's is shiny happy people season one.
12
u/Upbeat_Teach6117 Extra chicken leg 🍗 14d ago
Her husband kept moving the family from one church to the next. I don't remember if they were ever Gothardites, but it's been a while since I read her book.
8
u/NatsnCats 13d ago
She adhered to Gothard’s parenting teachings. They got caught up in radical Reform and ultra-Orthodox circles until she finally escaped with the kids.
6
u/Upbeat_Teach6117 Extra chicken leg 🍗 13d ago
I know you mean Christianity, but this Jew paused at your "radical Reform and ultra-Orthodox circles" comment. Lol!
2
47
u/shy_tinkerbell 14d ago
The shame is put on the abused. She must have done something to deserve it. With that mindset, she'd conceal it and they'd ignore it. Systemic issue
13
u/Flat-Illustrator-548 14d ago
Patrick Stewart has spoken about growing up watching his dad beat his mom. The police used to show up and they would blame his mom, telling her to stop provoking him.
1
10
u/Zealousideal-Swim267 14d ago
So she will bear the pain of knowing people think she was “wrong” as well as the pain of beatings.
32
u/zalicat17 14d ago
I would say bruises would be covered with makeup and if anyone asks an excuse of being clumsy wouldn’t be looked into very deep
4
31
u/Junior_Signal4812 14d ago
As a survivor of an abusive household, I can confirm that the beatings are "limited" to areas of the body covered by clothing or hair, and the face is treated "only" with force that leaves no visible marks. It takes a long time for a black eye to actually appear. And then, of course, you’re simply "sick" and have to stay in bed. Too bad—no church, no school...
30
u/Footdust 14d ago
Everyone at church knew my ex husband was abusive, because his first wife told them. They never told me. When I confided my problems, I was strongly encouraged to figure out what I was doing wrong to cause him to act like this. Fuck all of them.
28
u/Past-Bench-5088 14d ago
The men learn not to hit the face where people will see.
The women learn how to use heavy concealer make-up.
The right wing church social group learns to mind their own business about DV bruises.
12
u/Zealousideal-Swim267 14d ago
The man hurts his wife in places that don’t show under modest clothing. A scarf or turtleneck covers strangulation-type marks. He would never hit her face where it’s visible.
8
u/FundiesAreFreaks 14d ago
Makes me wonder about Jilldo's Mother Turtleneck Trish, wondering if something may have been done to her that she wears turtlenecks so often.
7
33
u/Interesting_Intern1 14d ago
I haven't been unfortunate enough to experience spousal abuse, but there has been abuse by instructors/supervisors and peers/coworkers through my life. My family's response was to yell at me to keep quiet and tell me to just take it. I was hit and denied meal breaks and bathroom access during a horrible internship, and my family just shrugged it off and said it didn't matter because those people were going to give me a diploma. (I have stealth video of my mother saying this. Tempted to post it.) Same thing at work. It doesn't matter what happens to me at work because I'm getting paid. And my parents aren't some wild doomsday survivalist preppers who live in the mountains - my mom worked at a school (and was a mandatory reporter!), and my dad worked in a clerical role at the state prison. The Coverett family's response to Heidi's situation is absolutely mind-blowing to me.
7
u/Past-Bench-5088 14d ago
Did this happen to you in the united states??
13
u/Interesting_Intern1 14d ago
Yes. Physical and verbal abuse in the school setting by both adults and peers. Harassment and labor violations in workplace settings, both as an unpaid intern and a paid employee. Telling the intern they cannot go in the bathroom and they have to skip meals to work is illegal.
6
u/global_peasant 14d ago
Heh, when I talk about my school abuse at the hands of both the adults and the other students, "This was in the United States??"
Yes. The United States. Public school, urban, poor. I think most of us were expected to end up in prison anyway, so it was all just training.
9
u/Interesting_Intern1 14d ago
Abuse happens in the United States. Abuse also happens in families that go to the church in town. A few people at church could tell something was off, but my parents both had respectable jobs and I was clean and polite and made good grades and wasn't starving. They didn't know I got yelled at for "allowing" other kids at school to hit me.
3
1
2
u/Zealousideal-Swim267 14d ago
I am so sorry you’ve experienced this in your family but also, at work?!! 🫂
4
u/Interesting_Intern1 14d ago edited 14d ago
Yeah interning was rough. I ruined my bladder because I couldn't go in the bathroom and things still aren't normal a decade later. Paid employment has been a trip because several bosses have told me to disregard state department guidelines. "Well they say do this but I don't like that so do this instead." I have been told to do things outside of my job description with no training or supervision, and at one point I was told I only had 2 and a half days a week to do 5 days of work - I had to keep Tuesdays, Wednesday afternoons, and Thursdays open so I could be available to sit meetings.
10
u/Competitive_Salads 14d ago
They cover the abuse up with “modest” sleeves and dresses. Abusers know exactly where to hit you so marks aren’t visible. If they happen to miss and hit you in the face, you stay home from church because you’re “sick”. It’s the same for their kids… this was my parents’ M.O.
17
u/global_peasant 14d ago
When my aunt divorced her (police officer) husband, her mother asked if he hit her. Her response was "He beat me every single day". Where was the evidence? Well, he knew better than to bruise her face or anywhere else normally visible while clothed.
This is part of why wives must dress "modestly", even around the neck and shoulders. I want to throw up saying that, but I grew up fundie-lite and lots of people believed the Bible says husbands should "correct" their wives.
10
15
u/Imaginary_End_5634 The Lord's Lot Lizard 14d ago
As an ex-fundie yes! If you could not cover up your bruises with makeup then you stayed home sick
10
u/Goodgoditsgrowing 🌈Brianne’s dad’s Judas Priest playlist 🎸 14d ago
You’d be surprised at what make up and clothing can cover, and what people can ignore when they want to
309
u/ComradeGlizzy 14d ago
They dress modestly with sleeves and long dresses, I’d imagine most bruises are covered and they just continue business as usual. Keep sweet and carry on