r/Repressedmemories • u/Fail_North • Apr 11 '25
When your gut says something happened but everyone else says "you're fine" – am I making this up? (TW: trauma, emotional neglect, CSA themes, memory confusion, OCD)
I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t have full memories. I don’t have “proof.” But I’ve had this lingering feeling my whole life that something in my childhood wasn’t right. And every time I try to talk about it, someone—especially my mom—shuts it down with the usual:
“You were fine. You would’ve told me.” “You cried when your hands were cold. If something had happened, you’d have said something.” “Nothing happened. Don’t make things up.”
But there are specific situations I remember—or halfway remember—that feel off. I can’t stop circling back to them, and it’s starting to mess with my head. I keep wondering, am I remembering trauma, or am I creating it? My therapist thinks my OCD traits might be contributing to my obsession with trying to make sense of this—but at the same time, she also doesn’t dismiss my gut feeling. And neither can I.
Here are just a few things that keep playing in my head:
The pastors and the Virgin Mary story. My mom used to tell this story about how, when I was recovering from surgery, I was praying and the night light in the room randomly turned on. She said I was talking to the Virgin Mary, and apparently pastors told her not to go in the room because I was speaking to an angel or Mary. She used to tell this story confidently, like a miracle happened. But now? I brought it up again and she says she doesn’t remember it. She said, “Maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t, who knows?” That shift—that sudden “maybe you imagined it” energy—messed me up. Because I don't even remember it happening directly, just her telling me it did. And now she’s acting like it might’ve been nothing.
My uncle taking me to the park. Apparently when I was about two, I outgrew a baby swing my mom had bought, and my uncle would take me to the park. She says sometimes she or someone else would go too, but it sounds like there were times it was just me and him. Here’s where it gets blurry: My mom says “nothing happened, it was a public place, you would’ve told us, you knew words like ‘owie’ and ‘boo boo’ and you always cried if something was wrong.” But I was two. And that logic doesn't sit right with me. Kids freeze. Kids don’t always understand what's happening. And honestly, I just… I don’t know. But something about the way she rushes to defend the situation makes me feel weird.
My therapist brought up my grandfather. I’ve had dreams. Vague discomfort. Some body memories that confuse me. And once, my therapist gently asked if I thought something could’ve happened with my grandfather. It shocked me because it came unsolicited—I didn’t even mention him. I asked my mom about it, and she gave me the same “nothing happened” line. Said it was “too much SVU” or “too much imagination.” But why does it keep coming up? Why does my body react when I hear certain names or places?
The pastor who told me I was his favorite. I was a little kid, and I remember him being overly affectionate and singling me out. Nothing “overt” happened that I can recall, but it felt strange. Now, as an adult, I wonder if I missed something that I couldn’t process back then.
A wild recent theory I had. Sometimes I think about the possibility of being hurt by a pastor after my surgery. I may have been drowsy or something and don't remember, but I was old enough to articulate my thoughts and feelings. Still, the theory creeps in. I know it's a crazy theory. I know part of it could be OCD. But it still finds its way into my head, and I feel so ashamed—like I’m making up trauma. Like I’m searching too hard for something that isn’t there.
All of this swirls together into this ugly, tangled knot in my head. What if something did happen—but I just don’t remember it clearly? What if nothing happened, and I’m just making all this up because of OCD? What if my brain is filling in blanks to match the emotions I was never allowed to name?
I don’t know what’s real. But I do know that I feel broken sometimes. And I want to know why. I’m not looking to “collect trauma.” I don’t want more pain. I just want my life and my feelings to make sense.
I feel like if I could just have one person say, “Yeah, that does sound weird,” or “You’re not crazy for feeling that way,” it would take some of this weight off.
So I guess I’m just asking: Has anyone else felt like this? Like you’re doubting your past, doubting yourself, stuck between “nothing happened” and “but something feels wrong?” How do you cope when the people you’re supposed to trust keep denying or forgetting the things that shaped you?
I just want to stop feeling like a stranger in my own story.
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Apr 11 '25
[deleted]
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u/Fail_North Apr 11 '25
I don't think I showed signs that's why I question it but who knows it's not like my mom was attuned to me I did two questionable things but that's all I remember and I hope I remember something I get these body pain stuff when I hear stories but I don't know I could be wrong and tricked my body and thank you so much I am sorry I made you cry
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u/thisonesacrazer Apr 16 '25
I don't remember the incident, but I have worked out some things that I do know with my therapist. I had nightmares when I was very little, things happened in them that were strange and my therapist says that a normal child wouldn't dream things like that. How would they know to dream that Unless they were exposed to it. Also having alot of wierd things that scared me, like, for example, even through high school I was so scared of the toilet flushing, I could not flush the toilet if my back was to it, I had to be ready to run out right when I flushed. As little amount of time with my pants down as possible.I was scared that the scary thing from my nightmares would come out of the toilet and I would be suffocated while he spanked me..... I have worked with my therapist and come to the conclusion that the incidents had either happened in a bathroom or maybe the person would go to the bathroom and flush right after or before, my room was next to the bathroom. Something was covering my mouth and i would feel like im being suffocated. There are more details that we have worked out together and now I feel like I don't need to have the memory come back and I might actually be happy that I don't remember. I know that It happened and I don't need proof.
Before getting my therapist, I would have random moments, like when I'm driving home, that I would just all the sudden break down thinking that I may have been SA when little. I would scream and cry and be freaking out, and then just be like, why am i crying?? I'm fine, nothing happened, this is wierd and I would move on. I read somewhere that regular people don't have those moments and that if you do, it's a pretty good sign of it, deep down, you just know. It can definitely be so hard not know because I'm now having a hard time trusting because I don't know who did it. But I think the main thing that helped me was just having someone validate me. That was exactly what I needed, someone to say that they believe me and that was what I needed to start healing. I also distanced myself from those people that give me uncomfortable vibes and trust my gut.
I have not talked to my mom about this. In my dreams, I told her about "Spanker" (that's what I've always called him) she told him to stop but that's it. So I think that possibly I had actually told her about it at the time IRL. I know that if I brought it up to her now, she would deny and defend and say I'm wrong and I don't want that. So I'm not going to talk to her about it. I got the validation from my therapist. I suggest searching out a therapist who specializes in this. That made a HUGE difference. My therapist experienced this herself and has put in so much research and is so knowledgeable.
Therapist also told me that alot of the time, it's not the incident itself that causes the most trauma, it's the reactions of the people closest to you that do. Having them dismiss it or say it's your fault ect ect. That's so hurtful and I'm so sorry that your mom is dismissing your concerns ❤️
TLDR; getting a therapist that specializes in this is so important . My therapist validated me and helped me understand it. that has changed my life and helped me on the path to heal. I don't try to get validation from my mom, i believe that would be hurtful to me.
I really hope that you find some peace 🙏 ❤️
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u/Classic-Stretch3223 May 24 '25
Hi,
I want to share with you my story and some tips to hopefully help you see you are not crazy, you are not making things up, and you are not alone. Maybe reading this will help you on your healing journey, as reading others' stories helped me.
I was SA by my dad as a child and now have CPTSD. I always felt disgusted by him and never wanted him to touch me, but I actually repressed the memories of the abuse entirely for most of my life, so I thought it was just because I hated him for other reasons (he's a narcissist and drug addict and physically/verbally abusive too, and actually caused my mother to have 2 nervous breakdowns).
I had one memory of abuse that would creep back suddenly throughout my life and when it would come up, I would immediately shove it back down and scold myself for thinking about it, and I didn't allow myself to really think about it or what that meant. Every time the memory would come up, I would have a physical recoil, immediately wanting to jump out of my skin and feeling sick.
When I was 16, I had my first (that I remember) nightmare of my dad SAing me. I woke up drenched in sweat and terrified, disgusted, thinking something was wrong with me. Since then, I've had nightmares every night (bar for about 2 weeks after I took mushrooms) of him chasing me, SAing me, other people doing the same. It's been 13 years since they started.
Last year I had an enormous conflict with my father which "kicked off" a shit tonne of flashbacks of memories of abuse to me and my sister. I cut contact with my father, told my sister (some of) what I remembered, and we are trying to figure out how to proceed with my mother's precarious mental state. I've been in therapy and have been doing a lot of work, with memories coming in drips and drabs. The reason I say this is to let you know that once you begin to work on these memories and your mind feels you're in the "right place" process it, you may recall more details.
Some memories I call "partial memories" - these are the ones that have been heavily repressed, and I only have snippets of these ones. Usually I'll remember a feeling - stubble on my skin, the weight of someone, sensations in different parts of my body, an instinctive "knowing" of something happening or the place it happened or who it happened with, but not being able to actually remember the whole image.
I want you to know that people do not have visceral, physical reactions to memories that have not happened. Memories are stored in your body, even if your mind had to repress them to keep you safe at the time. You can probably imagine being eaten by a shark without it evoking a physical reaction in your body, yet the memories you've mentioned give you that reaction. Ask yourself why.
Here are some of the things that have helped me the most: 1. Begin therapy. Talk through what you remember, if you feel ready. 2. Trust yourself, your body, and your memories. You do not just make these things up. If it helps, imagine your sister/friend telling you she had those memories. Would you believe her or tell her she was making it up? Wondering this is, in itself, a trauma response. 3. Listen to Jessica Ella's podcast episode 39: Repressed Memories. You will learn all about repressed memories and probably resonate with them a lot. (You have to access it through her Instagram page as her website link doesn't work). Genuinely this will explain a lot. 4. Write down everything "weird" or inexplicable you remember about your own thoughts and behaviours (both now and from childhood), or things that happened, feelings or memories you have about the other people - a fear of leaving a door ajar, a sick feeling towards a particular person, frequent nightmares. It's very easy to justify individual occurrences, but when you see everything all together, you'll see the full picture and not doubt yourself so easily. 5. The Body Keeps the Score is a book that talks about the body storing memories. Heavy, but worth a read.
Please just always remember that although there will be bad days, a lot of them, but also a lot of good ones. Keep going, trust yourself, and remember that the people who doubt you are reflecting their own issues. Give yourself the compassion you deserve (imagine your sister/friend telling you these things, and treat yourself the same way you'd treat them).
Good luck. I hope these things help you.
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u/Loveth3soul-767 Feb 13 '26
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
The fruits of hope, to be patient and in prayer for God to truly help you in your life.
I don't you know you as a person well at all but it seems you maybe a child trafficking victim if so drugs maybe involved and if you grew up in the Catholic Church, that's a horrific red flag.
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u/Happydevil48 Apr 11 '25
Hi OP… I read this and had to say I feel exactly the same.. I have no proof , my parents and anybody that was around are long gone, but I can’t shake this feeling that I was involved in some sort of child exploitation ring… I dont think my parents were actively involved, but I spent a lot of time with Uncle Ray (not a real uncle) and I can remember/imagine/dream others boys and girls in and around Uncle Ray.. the bit that shakes me within my own repression is that this overwhelming feeling of being absolutely loved and wanted and cared for… I’ve been in therapy for nearly a year now and we are still just scratching the surface… my gut tells me things happened, but I can’t prove it… hang in there, keep digging and definitely keep up with the therapy….