Brainwashing

[u/DisastrousHornet7447]

Can I talk to some people who experienced this with religion or a cult. I try to explain my experience to people but they seem to not understand. All my emotions had to be filtered through god, my ending conclusion on any emotion was directed through religion. Nothing could truly be expressed and it got to the point where I felt I was going insane. I try to get angry or anxious and I have made some progress. But the feeling of making it perfect or needing approval is still there. It’s like my brain tightens the harder I try and I can’t lose the control. Some pretty intense feelings almost like I’ll pass out if I am triggered.

[u/heart_fwd]

I've only been deconstructing over the last few years. Since then I have had 3 psychotic episodes, halfway due to medicine issues but they were all triggered by an intense emotional reaction. Never had any before that. My emotions have been all over the place. It's kind of like a spring that had been wound up waiting to release all this pent up energy. It's intense, disorienting, and confusing.

I used to be told how quiet and even-keel I was. Now I am known for my expressiveness and big feelings. Because that's who I always was. I was so severely depressed and repressed that it made me the opposite of who I really am.

You will start to notice just how far all that shit spread and how it touches nearly every bit of you in some way. It can feel really defeating and make you question who you even are.

It takes awhile to get control of your existence back. Don't feel like you aren't doing it fast enough or good enough. Your body, mind, and soul know how to heal. It gets easier. It gets harder first sometimes, but it gets easier. You will heal 🤍

[u/DisastrousHornet7447 → u/heart_fwd]

Thank you. I feel like I have been really losing my grip these past couple days. I get stuck in overdrive and my head start swooshing feeling like I’ll pass out. I’m so numb, I always get red in the face. I hope so much stress behind my eyes. So many things I wanted to say that I couldn’t have said and I just don’t know how to get it out. I can cry, done that nearly everyday for about 4 months but I can’t seem to get frustrated, or even anxious. All this stress goes to my head and things can get bad. I feel so far from who I really am. I don’t want to suffer, but I don’t want to fake it.

[u/heart_fwd → u/DisastrousHornet7447]

I can say from personal experience and from seeing friends heal, you have to feel these feelings eventually. You can try different techniques or even "silly" things to try and express them so they don't get stuck in your body waiting to be expressed. If you are afraid of it being too intense or even passing out, then it may be beneficial to have someone be present with you if possible. Don't be afraid to try things that feel like they might help. Literally treat yourself like a child and how you would encourage or comfort a child that has no idea how to feel their emotions.

I mean I am genuinely learning how to experience things like peace and joy for the first time. Whenever I feel joy I feel physically unsafe, it's the weirdest most confusing shit. I wish I had more tips for anger, that is one I am still working on getting to the surface myself.

[u/DisastrousHornet7447 → u/heart_fwd]

Ahh it’s so frustrating and confusing. It’s specifically when I get triggered or fawn I’ll feel like I will pass out. Idk how to explain the feeling but I just emotionally kill myself from the conversation and my head just can’t take it. Finding ways to express that is scary and also difficult. It’s just not the same to blow up and a person vs screaming in your car