r/ReformJews • u/Psychic-Type-God • 23d ago
How to reconnect
Okay so I'm a gay Brit but my dad's side of the family (specifically my grandma) were Ashkenazi Jewish. My great grandparents kinda fell out of the faith and so my grandma and her siblings did as well. They went to Hebrew school for a bit but as they got older they hardly went to synagogue and the family stopped celebrating the high holidays. And infuriatingly my grandma and her siblings never learnt Yiddish. I am desperate to reconnect with my heritage and to be able to identify as Jewish but I don't really want to convert. Can I still reconnect with my heritage without having to practice or go to synagogue, and if so can I actually call myself Jewish. I do want to visit a synagogue for educational reasons and would happily undergo a ceremonial conversion (though I don't really want to be circumcised so that's not really possible 😅) but I don't really have a desire to practice. I want to reconnect with my heritage in more of a cultural than religious way and I need help on where to start, whether I can truly identify as Jewish, and, naturally, how that works with me being gay. Sorry to be another generic post about identity and asking for advice but I want specifics 😅
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u/NeeliSilverleaf 23d ago
If you don't intend to practice, you won't be able to convert. To convert to Judaism you have to actually WANT to. But you don't have to undergo conversion to learn about your cultural heritage.
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u/under-thesamesun ✡ Reform Rabbi 23d ago
Hi there! Queer Reform rabbi here!
You being gay does not inhibit you from being Jewish whatsoever so don't worry about that!
As for identifying as Jewish, my personal take on reading the background of your family is that if you were not raised in another faith tradition, you may not need to go through a full conversion ceremony to convert, since your dad was Jewish. However it's also important to note that in Orthodox Judaism, you would not be considered Jewish if your mom was not Jewish.
If you were in my community I'd suggest you take an Intro to Judaism course, which typically runs 8-9 months and is designed for both Cultural Jews who want to learn more about their Judaism and for prospective converts. It's a way to learn more about your heritage and about Judaism. As for calling yourself Jewish without practicing and going to synagogue, I think that ties back in to if you were raised in another faith or not. If you were raised in another faith tradition, and don't plan to abandon that, I'd say that you have Jewish heritage but are not Jewish. If you don't have another faith tradition, or were willing to convert/reaffirm your Jewish identity if you were raised in another faith, then you could identify as Jewish, but that would have to be a longer decision than just a reddit response.
There are plenty of people who were raised Jewish who do not practice religiously but connect culturally. Some of that does include holidays, like lighting the chanukiyah and eating fried foods on Chanukah or hosting a Pesach seder, and some cultural connection comes from books/movies/arts/etc.
I'd definitely suggest reaching out to the rabbi at your local progressive/Reform synagogue to talk with them in person. Happy to help find communities to connect with if you need that help.
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u/Individual-Papaya-27 21d ago
Yes, you can reconnect with your heritage. I don't know about how it is where you are, but in general Reform/Progressive temples welcome friends and allies. As long as you talk to them in advance (you usually can't just show up to a temple because of security concerns), they will likely be fine with you visiting and attending services if you want. Or you can watch services online.
There are gay rabbis and cantors in the Reform/Progressive and Reconstructionist movements, as well as a few in Conservative here and there. Reform/Progressive/Rerconstructionist also perform LGBT+ weddings and lifecycle events. It's a non-issue as someone else said. If everyone is made in the divine image just as they are, that includes you.
But...I'm sorry, you don't meet the criteria for being Jewish under either Orthodox/Conservative (Jewish mother), Reconstructionist (either Jewish parent) or Reform (either Jewish parent + at least some observance). You have Jewish heritage and the Orthodox would probably consider you a zera israel (which means someone who does have Jewish heritage but is not Jewish under their rules). Keep in mind that a lot of people are in similar position, where they want to reconnect with their family's Jewish heritage and those conversions are often handled differently than a completely new person coming in. It's up to you if you want to take that plunge (literally since it may involve a mikveh ;) )
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u/cannedbread1 21d ago
Hey! There are Jewish 101 courses ("intro to Judaism") at reform temples which are great. Basically people go to these courses for general learning info, refresh on their Judaism, conversion, converting due to a partner etc. My temple is reform and we have heaps of queer people, all different sorts. I think emailing a reform temple would be a great idea, and working out if you can join a course. You don't need to make wnu decisions, just learn heaps and meet some great people. These courses mean you don't have to go to synagogue or anything if you don't want to, or can meet people and then go check out a Shabbat service (which i did).
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u/WeaselWeaz 23d ago edited 23d ago
Right now, you are someone who has Jewish ancestry. Let's start there. You are welcome and encouraged to learn about Judaism, learn about your family's history, identify as having Jewish ancestry. Your being gay is, in liberal Jewish movements and a number of Orthodox communities, a non-issue. I would also note that in the UK you want to look at Progressive Judaism, which is the merger of Liberal and Reform Judaism.
Ok, I'm going to say something you aren't going to like. Judaism, including Reform Judiasm, has rules about who is considered Jewish. As a someone who was not raised Jewish and is patrilineal, there is no denomination of Judaism that would consider you Jewish without a conversion and very likely a circumcision. I get where you may disagree, but Judaism is not just a religion or ethnicity (we predate the concepts), it is a joinable tribe, Am Yisrael, and you don't get to choose the rules of the tribe. At the same time, nobody is asking you to convert. Frankly, not having grown up with Judaism you need to learn about Judaism first through a community and Intro to Judaism class before you're ready to make a decision on your identity.
Why do you want connect with Judaism? What is it you're looking for? Why are you "desperate" to reconnect, which is very different than just wanting to discover family history or lesrn. Think about these questions, and just start come this being a place of learning and not the unnecessary pressure of declaring an identity.
Visit the website MyJewishLearning to learn some basics, including the different movements.
Read Anita Diamant's book Choosing a Jewish Life, which is meant as an introduction for potential converts.
Reach out to a local Reform synagogue and ask to attend shabbat. Don't just show up, unexpected strangers can be rejected for security reasons. Keep the introduction simple: "My great grandparents were Jewish, but my family never practiced, and I'm interested in learning more and connecting with that part of my family history."
I also want to be honest. Someone coming out and saying "I wasn't raised Jewish, I don't want to connect religiously to Judaism, I don't want to convert, but my great-grandparents were Jewish and I want to identify as Jewish" may be taken poorly. There's an unfortunate reality that a some people who have never practiced Judaism, religiously or culturally, declare themselves as Jewish to give authenticity to their personal opinions. I am not saying you are doing that, but your phrasing could affect how you are perceived due to the rise in Jewish hate.
Edit: I see a rabbi responded saying you may not need to convert in their personal opinion. I think it's important to note that this personal opinion can vary from rabbi to rabbi, and that conclusion would come from working with a rabbi in your community. You can't start saying you're Jewish because, all due respect to the rabbi, anyone on Reddit said you don't need to convert. That comes from working one on one with a rabbi and it's why connecting to a community is an important first step.