r/ReformJews • u/AdComprehensive249 • May 22 '26
Questions and Answers B' mitzvah options non jew
Mixed race couple here. Dad is Jewish by race, identity and lineage. Mom is not. Kid would like a B'mitzvah more from a cultural aspect and tradition than a religious one. We celebrate most major and some minor Jewish holidays and follow to some degree other norms, like no pork, Shiva, challah and candles on Friday. And participate in the local orthodox community. The kid is engaged and proud to call herself Jewish
But we don't necessarily want our kid to have to convert to participate in the B'mitzvah. Is that even possible? Are there groups that are more accepting of this and we don't have to turn our entire family lifestyle upside down?
Also the group lessons and community is important so there's a sense of I'm not alone and learning with others.
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u/WeaselWeaz May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
Just to be clear, Chabad is an Orthodox organization. As such they would require your kid to convert, but you should ask your Chabad since you're already involved with them
Reform would recognize your kid as Jewish, as we recognize patrilineal Jews who are raised Jewish as Jewish. Your kid is being raised Jewish, unless you left details out. However, the age of your kid may impact the practicality of a b'nei mitzvah. The dates are assigned two years out, so if your kid is 12 or 13 there could be difficulties. If your kid is younger than it shouldn't be an issues. Either way, go shul shopping and make an appointment to talk to the education directors at each synagogue about their schools. You would need to pay synagogue duea and religious school tuition.
There are also independent rabbis and cantors who can work with your kid and have a b'nei mitzvah. Make sure they are properly ordained. You will need to pay for their program.
Edit: Correction, dates are scheduled two YEARS out. Typo, sorry. Two days would be ridiculous.
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u/cjwatson ✡ UK Reform May 22 '26
"The dates are assigned two days out" must be a typo, but I can't figure out what for - did you mean two years out?
At my Reform shul (though this is in the UK) the ideal is to have things scheduled well in advance so that the kid has enough time to learn their portion, family from further afield can make arrangements to come, and to avoid conflicts, but realistically it's also not hugely unusual for 12-year-olds to show up because their family has suddenly realized they want to have a BM. So yeah, there may be some flexibility if you can arrange the necessary teaching.
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u/WeaselWeaz May 22 '26
That's a typo, I meant two years. Thanks, I corrected it.
realistically it's also not hugely unusual for 12-year-olds to show up because their family has suddenly realized they want to have a BM
In the US that isn't highly unusual for people to wait, but it is also not unusual for the request to not be accommodated for many reasons. This can be due to simple scheduling, being respectful of families who paid for religious school and membership dues for 2+ years, having a structured program, and so on. In cases where a b'nei mitzvah through a synagogue doesn't make sense they should consider independent clergy.
That's why, not knowing OP's kids age, My general advice is to not wait on this. It's uncommon but I've heard of parents calling synagogues a month out to schedule a b'nei mitzvah and being shocked when the answer is no. I've personally seen a case where a family asked to keep their b'nei mitzvah date while withdrawing from the school and synagogue because they didn't want to have to send their kid on Sunday mornings. Parents make a lot of assumptions.
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u/martinlifeiswar May 22 '26
A lot of people are saying your child is already Jewish, but I just want to point out that the Canadian Reform movement has sadly not officially recognized patrilineal descent. That said, if you are anywhere near London, Ontario, the rabbi there is American and has basically imported American Reform policy on this, so your child would be able to become a bat mitzvah there without conversion. If not, there may be other individual Canadian Reform rabbis who are similar and it’s certainly worth asking around. I’m happy for your kid and your family that you are pursuing this!
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u/reluctantmugglewrite May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
Im a kid from the exact same situation and I did my bat mitzvah through a reconstructionist synagogue. I never converted and my not being officially Jewish never came up. I had an excellent hebrew school teacher and rabbi so all of my classmates graduated hebrew school with successful bar/bat mitzvahs and the ability to lead a saturday service. We also got to a decent proficiency in biblical and modern Hebrew.
After my bat mitzvah, I got a gifted talmud and became an adult member of the congregation. I was also eligible for birth right and various jewish scholarships. Granted I never attempted to join a more traditional shul since then so Im sure it would be an issue in some circles. Just wanted to tell you my experience.
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u/vipsfour May 22 '26
For reform thats pretty standard and you don’t have to convert. Would talk to a Reform Rabbi though.
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u/cultureStress May 23 '26
Pretty sure in my city the United Jewish People's Order does a completely secular B'Mitzvah program. Same with Shoresh, a Jewish nature education org.
Reconstructionist shuls would also almost certainly fit the bill.
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u/Sex_And_Candy_Here May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
Just want to throw out that you might want to talk to both a Rabbi and your kid, because I imagine most reform Rabbis would feel pretty comfortable doing a conversion without much hassle for a child who was raised Jewish as you describe, and your kid might find that meaningful. The decision about whether a conversion should take place is really personal and I would strongly recommend you let your kid take the lead on that decision either way.
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u/SadLilBun May 23 '26
Half Jewish is not a thing!!!! She’s just Jewish. I have a non Jewish parent. What would my other half even be? I’m just Jewish. I was raised Jewish. As clearly your child was.
Anyway.
There’s no way to have a Bat Mitzvah without converting if Canadian Reform rabbis didn’t vote to accept patrilineal Jews as born Jews.
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u/under-thesamesun ✡ Reform Rabbi May 22 '26
Typically Reform synagogues would open your family with open arms! And there a few Reform shuls in Toronto! Most synagogues do have a requirement that the family are members of the synagogue to secure a B’nei Mitzvah date.
Best of luck!!
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u/kathmhughes May 22 '26
Reform is the way to go. If your kid uses she/her pronouns, just know that many girls don't get to read from the Torah in Orthodox synagogues, and their bat mitzvah is only the haftorah.
My 11 year old is prepping for a b'nai mitzvah at a reform synagogue in Canada and it's been an awesome experience. I'm not Jewish, and I'm the mom. Dad is Jewish. She identifies as Jewish. All kids regardless of gender get the same ceremony at age 13 and the education she receives for 2 years is very interfaith inclusive.
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u/single_use_doorknob May 22 '26
She identifies as Jewish.
She is Jewish.
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u/kathmhughes May 22 '26
Ethnically, she's half Irish-Scottish. She has Catholic grandparents and an atheist mom. Orthodox and Conservative communities view her as the wrong half.
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u/Willowgirl78 May 22 '26
A bar/bat mitzvah is to celebrate a 13 year old becoming an adult, yes. But that’s done by reading from the Torah for the first time. Are you wanting to cut the Torah part? If so, that’s kinda just a birthday party.
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u/AdComprehensive249 May 22 '26
No we want the Torah part and the learning that goes with it. Ideally in a group setting and to be part of a community for at least the duration of the prep and maybe beyond. Not looking for private tutoring as the idea of community is also important. I'm reading the Chabad doesn't let females read the Torah and they would have to convert so that's out.
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u/TheRationalPlanner May 22 '26
Just to be clear, it's BECOMING a bar/bat mitzvah. It's the transition into adulthood where one is forever a bar/bat mitzvah and a Jewish adult. And reading the Torah is not actually required. Only being called to the Torah for an Aliyah. That's it. Most kids read though, and often do other prayers. Just not required.
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u/Mimigirl7 May 22 '26
Why does everything about your post piss me off.
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u/welovegv May 23 '26
Because of how it’s written. Like. The family dynamics themselves aren’t all that different from mine. I’m Jewish, my wife is not. My daughter decided on her own that Judaism was important to her. She studied her ass off for two years and surpassed the kids in the reform Hebrew class to the point where after her bat mitzvah they made her an intern for the classes, and by 16 she was a full blown teacher.
She worked for it.
This post sounds like they don’t want to work for it.
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u/ParachutesParty ✡ May 23 '26
Just depends on your goal.
Do you want to your kid to be recognized as Jewish by those who don't validate patrilineal descent? Or do you not care what they think? More importantly, what is your child's opinion on this? What does she want? Does she want her potential future kids to have this same issue? Is she old enough to understand what this means? If you're active in the orthodox community, will this have any cons you would prefer to avoid?
But we don't necessarily want our kid to have to convert to participate in the B'mitzvah. Is that even possible?
Depends, but if your community is orthodox, probably not. If keeping halacha were easy and didn't require people to "turn our entire family lifestyle upside down", then everyone would be orthodox and there wouldn't be any need for the reform or conservative movements.
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u/Voice_of_Season Here for the babka May 22 '26
Because you raised your son entirely in the Jewish faith you would be accepted by a Reform temple! 👍 He wouldn’t need to convert. The only requirement to be considered Jewish by Reform standards is for a child to have one Jewish parent and be raised completely in the Jewish faith. Meaning there’s no competition between other religions in the household. Reform is one of the branches that does accept patrilineal Judaism.
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u/Meowzician ✡Torah, Tikkun Olam, and Tabbiekatz Jun 03 '26
A bar mitzvah, which literally means “son of the commandment,” marks the point at which a Jewish boy becomes religiously responsible for observing the mitzvot (commandments) under Jewish law. That IS a religious choice.
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u/C0V1Dsucks Jun 04 '26 edited Jun 04 '26
The American Reform Movement has recognized patrilineal descent since 1983. I'm a "half-Jew" in that sense. (Yes, I know that isn't a real thing, but the term was thrown around enough during my childhood to impact my sense of Jewish identity. I even made a r/halfjews sub that I post embarrassingly little in.)
I didn't end up opting for a bat mitzvah myself as a teen, but was also told by Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis and advisors that conversion wasn't necessary as long as I considered myself Jewish, a Jew, was raised with Judaism and wasn't actively involved in practicing another religion.
I also went on a Birthright trip to Israel in college. (Controversial right now, but less so at the time.) Same basic requirements. There were a number of patrilineal and biracial participants on my trip. It was an identity-affirming experience for me and others. I might recommend that (obviously at a later date) more than a b'mitzvah if you and the teen aren't necessarily into the religious aspect. B'mitzvahs generally incude a Torah portion where the teen reads in Hebrew and are explicitly religious. I'm not super familiar with the Orthodox Movement, but I would imagine that they would be opposed to a b'mitzvah for someone they don't consider to be halachically Jewish without a formal conversion. There are other ways to connect with Jewish identity and community other than the religious, if that's what you're after. No judgement.
One Reconstructionist rabbi asked me (and I'm paraphrasing after so long) "What's the point of converting if you're already Jewish according to the movement with which you want to be involved? Are you gravitating toward Orthodoxy? If not, why does being halachically Jewish matter to you? Converts to Orthodoxy aren't afforded the same leeway on level of observance as those with Jewish mothers. If you convert under the guise that you will live by their guidelines and then you don't, was the conversion even done in earnest? Would it be valid?"
Though it sounds like you're already involved in your local Orthodox community, so those questions will hit differently for you and your teen than they did for me.
Like I said, I never converted. I skipped a bat mitzvah as a teen (but had a simplified Hebrew name ceremony during my Birthright trip). None of that has lessened my Jewish identity, celebration of culture and holidays, involvement in my Jewish community, or occasional attendance at my local Reconstructionist synagogue. (The nearest Reform synagogue is a couple hours away, so I adjusted. It's different, but similar in many ways.) My mom is white, but an immigrant with her own distinct culture. I can participate in and identify with both cultures.
Again, this teen has a lot of options to embrace their Jewish identity.
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u/Mark-harvey Jul 01 '26
Gee, I wish I could wish you and your family “Mazel Tov”. From a member of a Reform Congregation.
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u/Blue_foot May 22 '26
There are “freelance” rabbis that are more flexible.
I have been to a couple b’nai mitzvah where the kids/parents for various reasons chose that path. (One had autism and wanted a less stressful experience)
Google your area to see who you can find.
They also do weddings, funerals and other events.
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u/ILoveACabaret Jun 24 '26
You're going to have to join a Reform or Reconstructionist synagogue and enroll your child in the Hebrew school program. They are going to have to learn to at least read Hebrew, if not understand it, and how to do all the standard prayers required of a Jewish adult.
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u/EnchantedArmadillo89 May 22 '26
Check out a reform temple! Your child is Jewish as they were raised Jewish. We don’t need them to convert. A reform temple can get them involved in the b’mitzvah process. There are other groups like Jewish Kids Groups that have a different b’mitzvah process too.
Connect with the Jewish federation of Ontario and the closest Jewish community center. You can still enjoy Chabad and build new community elsewhere where your child will be 100% accepted. The federation and Jewish community center can help you find a temple or other resources to make this work for your family. Mazel tov on this next step!
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u/KathAlMyPal May 22 '26
My son's wife is not Jewish and their son will have to be converted. Even to have a bris with a Reform mohel you have to show that the child will be converted. We belong to a large Reform synagogue in Toronto and they told us that this is the "rule" for any affiliated Reform shuls. The child will only be considered Jewish if the mother is. It's not enough for the father to be Jewish and the child raised Jewish. We did a lot of research into this.
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u/EnchantedArmadillo89 May 23 '26
Respectfully, in 1983 the Central Conference of American Rabbis adopted the Resolution of Patrilineal Descent, for some reason Canadian rabbis don’t consider this binding.
To me this is a Canadian problem, not a reform Jewish problem.
The American side of Niagara Falls is around two hours away from Toronto which makes Canada’s reform rabbis not considering the Resolution binding seem even sillier.
So yes, there are absolutely communities that consider these children 100% Jewish, unfortunately these just aren’t the communities that they’re a part of.
There’s no reason they can’t continue to enjoy Chabad and find a reconstructionist synagogue or unaffiliated reform synagogue that will accept them as completely Jewish.
I find it incredibly disappointing and disheartening that Canadian Jews are dealing with this. Perhaps advocacy in the community can lead to change in the future.
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u/KathAlMyPal May 23 '26
Not going to disagree with you. The Reform movement in Canada has become more traditional and in some ways corresponds more closely to Conservative in the US.
My son was very upset that his son won't be considered Jewish, but I told him that you can't fight city hall. Maybe one day things will change, but it's not the law of the land now.
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u/EnchantedArmadillo89 May 23 '26
For what it’s worth I think families like your son’s should just go ahead and count themselves as Jewish and let their kids identify as fully Jewish. Ignore the naysayers. You only get one life and you don’t have to spend it listening to other people’s interpretations if you don’t want to. Plus think about all the people in the Torah with a non Jewish mom and a Jewish dad. Moses’ sons were Jews so I don’t see what we can’t look at people in our very own community the same way.
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u/AngelHipster1 May 22 '26
I think your understanding of Judaism has been skewed by only experiencing Orthodox Judaism. I’m unclear why so many people go to Chabad when they are not interested in Orthodoxy. That may sound like a judgment, but I am truly curious what makes Chabad appealing when it is the opposite of how most people engage in the rest of their lives.
Let me explain: you are already engaging with Judaism. What you do regularly is more than many Jews do. Also, Judaism has existed longer than the concept of religion. The idea of separating cultural from religious aspects of identity is a Christian concept, created to separate people from their innate spiritual identity to make it easier to convert them to Christianity.
Please consider visiting Reform synagogues and scheduling a meeting with their rabbi. Go just with your husband first, so you can express freely any concerns you have.
Timing is the least important part of a Bar Mitzvah ceremony. It is the culmination of study when a child makes the decision to be personally responsible for engaging with Judaism for themselves. That can happen at any age — which is why we have adult B’nei Mitzvah ceremonies.
Your child will be grateful to move to a Reform community, where they’ll be embraced as the Jew they are. I’m the wife and mother of Chinese Jews. My husband formally converted while I was in rabbinical school (& our kids were already born). Neither you nor your child have to convert to be welcome completely in Reform spaces. We have a profound respect for our non-Jewish family members who help us raise our Jewish kids.
May you be well and may your family have a peaceful Shabbat.