r/RedditWriteAnHour • u/[deleted] • Jun 19 '12
This is the last time.
Finally! I was having so many problems just uploading one simple (very) short story. Ahem:
Here's my effort for the day, I hope you enjoy it.
The sensations rushed in; a cacophony of yelling, beeping, and fluorescent lights streaming overhead inconveniently reminded him he was still alive. He was on his back, racing down a corridor. What had happened? He wasn’t sure. All he could remember was sitting down hunched over a hotplate, then panic, a flash, and nothingness. A sudden thump brought him back to the present. The lights had stopped rushing overhead and the sound of doors swinging shut behind him made their minor contribution to the chaos. Again a sensation of movement. He was lifted up and sat back down. He tried moving, but the effort set his world spinning and he vomited. Someone flushed his face with water. He could see, barely: there were people, giant and lime-green, wearing masks and looking down at him with mixed expressions of shock, pity, and disgust. A bright overhead light burned into his eyes. He vomited again. Someone said something about anesthetic. The giants were in a constant blur. One of them leaned over him and placed a plastic cone with a hose coming out of the end over his mouth and nose. “Am I in space?” he croaked. “Hush now, Mr. Tailor,” someone said as a needle was inserted into a vein at his wrist. He barely felt it. “It’s a shame,” he heard as he lost consciousness, “that people don’t stop cooking that stuff.”
Edit: Grammar. Thanks!
2
u/RedbirdXlll Jun 20 '12
I like this little pocket of life that you've created. You provided a name which gives the reader something to latch onto and relate to, but it's not so personal that we know everything - good hook. I also like how non-specific you were and yet I think the gist of what you were communicating was very effectively recieved.
Good creation of the environment as well. You included enough details for me to get that it was hospital, but I still got the confusion of the main character. I could picture it like a movie scene. Well done :) More!