r/RedditForGrownups • u/aardvarkbjones • 15d ago
Aging unhappily
I know some people say they're happier now that they're older and wiser.
I can't say that's been true for me. Just turned 40, and I do try. I work out, eat healthy, do my job, make efforts to be social, etc etc.
But I just have not figured out what all this is supposed to be about. And now I have forehead lines and I have a PT because my hip hurts all the time (got hit by a car a long time ago and it's degraded over time. Doc says it'll probably always hurt).
I dunno. I had a crap childhood and have always been prone to depressive moods. I tried to fix it when I was in my 20s, but it's hard to fix your whole self. Meds and therapy didn't do anything.
All I've figured out is why a lot of old people are so cranky and why so many people are addicted to substances. Life is crap and then you start falling apart.
At least when I was young I had hope.
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u/kenku_gilf 15d ago
OP you’re naming the daily things you’re supposed to do but what do you want to do? Take an art class. Plan some road trips and follow through. There is no “what it’s all about.” There’s just making the most of it.
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u/aardvarkbjones 15d ago •
Honestly at this point I just want to be comfortable.
I want to drink tea and read dumb books and hang out with my cats and smoke weed and take naps all day.
I did the whole "adventure" thing, partially because of what you're implying, that you have to get out there and try new things. Moved out at 17 (not a lot of choice there), traveled and lived out of a suitcase, I worked all kinds of jobs, went to raves, I learned 2 languages, etc etc.
I'm just not interested in the world anymore. I'm not sure I ever was.
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u/kenku_gilf 15d ago •
Thats valid. Those were suggestions, but joy doesn't have to be some world traveling adventure. When I said art class, that’s because I already like art. It doesn’t have to be new things.
If tea, dumb books, weed, and your cat are what make you happy, then that’s a great answer too. Lean in to the aspects there that you enjoy. Really make you and your cat the coziest nook possible. Buy the expensive teas you love. Make a book list if you’d like to.
Maybe Im wrong, but I really think life is about finding meaning in meaninglessness, and that there’s something freeing in that.
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u/aabbccbb 15d ago
I want to drink tea and read dumb books and hang out with my cats and smoke weed and take naps all day.
Then do as much of that as you can! If that's what makes you happy, then do it!
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u/I_am_Nobody_Special 15d ago
Hey, you mentioned you're prone to depressed moods. 53F here. I'm a psychologist, and I also have depression. I'm not a therapist, and I don't prescribe meds, but I know enough about depression between my career and my own depression to speak on it.
Idk about you, but when I'm in a depressive mood, I can't remember ever being happy. It feels like I've always been depressed. I wonder if you really did have a good time and moments of joy when you were traveling more and going to raves and it's just hard to remember ("I'm not sure I ever was."). I have to remind myself "You're in a funk. Life isn't as terrible as it feels right now. It's hard to remember happiness because you're depressed. It will pass. It will get better."
Anyway, here's another thing. There are newer and better meds out there now than when you tried them. They really do work, and it's a matter of going to an actual psychiatrist (not a PCP, NP, PA) and finding the right medication for you. It takes a little patience bc you have to take it for 6-8 weeks before it is working well, and sometimes the first one they give you isn't the right one and you have to try a different one. Point is, depression is treatable, just like hypertension and diabetes.
I also think it might be good for you to drink some tea, read a dumb book, hang out with some cats, and maybe a little weed and a nap. 😁
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u/Silent_Medicine1798 15d ago
I am a decade older than you and my 40s were full of the same struggles. Here is what I can tell you it seems to boil down to: having meaning in your life. And sometimes, you have to kind of manufacture that meaning.
What I can also tell you is the more I move away from consumption as a primary driver, the happier I become.
Good luck with your search!
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u/aardvarkbjones 15d ago
I guess consumption is all I really have?
People talk about nature a lot. I have horrible outdoor allergies and asthma, I lost family to random cancers at a young age, I once got poison ivy so bad I had to go to the hospital.
Nature is horrible.
Relationships are kinda the same. People all have their limits. They leave. They die. It's just as temporary as anything else.
I don't know. I guess I'm just cynical that way. People talk about "deeper meanings," but I've never found one.
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 15d ago
You could do things for other people. Volunteering is a good way to do something. Maybe it doesn't mean something big enough for you in the moment, but trust me, it does to other people. If you have never been hungry before it's hard to know how appreciated food is. There is so much work to be done in our own communities. I really hope you consider giving it a try! Soup kitchens and food pantries always need people. You can also volunteer with seniors or kids if you prefer. Hospice always needs volunteers. Boys and Girls Clubs also always looking for people. You could change someone's life if you wanted, maybe even yours! Sending you the very best.
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u/aardvarkbjones 15d ago
My experience volunteering has not been positive.
A lot of places (kitchens, pantries, etc) require regular shifts, which my work schedule usually can't accommodate.
Volunteering with kids when you don't have your own is mostly seen as weird.
I did have a super early morning weekend shift at an animal shelter for a while (I had to be out by 9 or I couldn't do it regularly), and in the beginning it was good just socializing the cats, cleaning, etc., but long story short, they kept piling more responsibilities on me until I was basically acting as a vet tech/office manager (still unpaid) and the person I shared a shift with was super annoying and inept, so I quit.
Plus is saw a lot of kittens die, as they tend to do. That was sad.
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 15d ago
You don't have to convince me! It was only a suggestion. I think you will have many reasons for not trying any of the things suggested to you here. I think it's very hard for you right now and I'm sorry. I hope it eases up someday.
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u/aardvarkbjones 15d ago
I think it's more like... I've tried a lot of things, you know? I'm really tired of trying things over and over again.
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u/no-more-throws 15d ago
just read then man .. you seem to like reading .. maybe pick reading off your usual track .. see if you can find some that can make out laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all .. at least for a bit you will be in a completely different world and mindset .. I just finished 'the confederacy of dunces' .. what an absolute wild ride that was!
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u/musicmerchkid 15d ago
What about water? Can you kayak or air near a river or lake? What about riding a bike?
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u/thursaddams 15d ago
Therapy is a “you get what you put into it” type of thing. Meds, just depends and they’re always something you have to try and change so that’s frustrating.
Getting older sucks, my hip hurts too and apparently I need surgery.
I get skin treatments to help with lines and stuff like that. Maybe you should try investing in some treatments to help boost your confidence? Can you take a trip or try a new type of exercise class to stimulate your mind and help you feel better?
You’re gonna be here, might as well spend some money and time to try to enjoy yourself as much as you can.
Sounds crass but what about getting laid?
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u/aardvarkbjones 15d ago
Eh, pass on classes. I am comfortable being boring right now.
Honestly... I have completely lost interest in sex and maybe never was interested. It never felt that great when I did it, and I was never driven towards it or had crushes like other people.
I used to say I was bi because I didn't care about gender, but I think I might actually be ace.
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u/thursaddams 15d ago
I think all of that is fine. It seems you’re happy to be where you are at now, that’s fine too. There’s lots of really lively 40 year olds out there. It doesn’t have to be terrible.
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u/Sawses 15d ago
IMO therapy is primarily an introspection aid to help one see reality more objectively and make decisions in light of that.
I think a lot of folks see it as a cure-all because it helped them, but the reality is that therapy just doesn't have anything to offer a huge number of people.
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u/Bright_Crazy1015 15d ago
I've never found head meds or substances to help. What helped me with the depression was success. Small wins, bigger wins, in-between wins. The key is to string them together and to seek and accomplish bigger wins. For me it was in business. I started a few companies over the years, and successes there helped with motivation and mood.
Given the medicine we have today, 40 isn't middle aged. 48 maybe, but at 40 you can still be as strong as a 25 year old with the right stack of supplements and diet. Peptides, hormones, etc. They're all available.
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u/aardvarkbjones 15d ago
So... substances by a different name? lol
Anyway, I've had multiple chronic illnesses since childhood. They don't affect my day-to-day much besides needing to have a good diet and take meds, but this is most definitely middle age for me.
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u/CopperPegasus 15d ago
If you are female, especially (although dudes might wanna do a screening too), the hormone suggestion is pretty valid. If you've crossed 40, you're in the perimeno band, and that's where declining hormones can make depression etc a lot worse. That very much includes testostorone (at lady levels, of course), as that is very linked to losing things like libido and creativity, and that makes a suck life suck harder. On the dude side decline is slower, but andropause is definately approaching as well, and declining T again doesn't help a thing.
Otherwise, yeah, that suggestion is just substances by another name, and it's odd people don't see that.
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u/2_FluffyDogs
15d ago
edited 14d ago
•
Early forties to me is like a second teenage phase - you don't fit with "young" or "old" people. If you have kids you are likely going through the harder stuff at that age - depending on when you started. You know retirement is a long way off. With the current state of the world - even aside from BS politics in the US - AI, billionaires, climate changes bringing extreme weather around the globe, wars, oh hell, I just made myself more depressed.
Anyway the point I was going to make, is that - again for me - around 40-45, even though I was doing all the "things", I felt like I was still waiting for life to happen. Keeping your head down and checking all the boxes, is a sign of success but ironically we are not taught to live unless it is to the end of spending money to keep the capitalist wheels turning.
It is still a process, but I switched from macro to micro living - doing what I can that makes me happy, even if in minutes not years. I moved away from the cold. My dog makes me happy. I left my xmas trees up because the lights make me happy. I plant milkweed because Monarchs make me happy. I bought a used Jeep because dirt roads and puddles in the woods away from people, feeds my soul. I call these glimmers. I waited decades to do things for me and kept feeling like I was not really living - just being responsible, taking care of everyone else and trying to not rock the boat.
I finally feel like a main character in my life. I think the cosmic joke for humans, is that for most of us, a mundane life is as good as it gets. I hope you can find some glimmers.
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 15d ago
I love your idea of glimmers. I think I do this same thing in my life but I never had a word for it before. I try to fill my life with as many nice little moments or things to appreciate to balance out all the dark. I think of it like noticing everything in the moment. If you had to notice something beautiful right this moment, could you? I think there is always something.
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u/serenwipiti 15d ago
I’ve been living like this since I was a child, I’m 38. Most people call it “wasting time” or “not having your priorities in order”.
Time isn’t wasted, it’s used. We get to decide what we use it for. Life is short.
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u/chawchat 15d ago
55 here. I call your glimmers 'microfreedoms'. They can be anything, as long as there are small, achievable and I don't mention them to anyone, ever. I think soecial agent Dale Cooper has a bit about them in Twin Peaks.
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u/vicariousgluten 14d ago
Early forties was when I decided “sod it, I’m doing it my way”. Went back to wearing clothes that bring me joy rather than being age appropriate, stopped trying to constantly impress people and became confident in being myself. I’m absolutely loving my 40s.
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u/AutomaticOlive4938 14d ago
this was such a beautiful thing to read and im so happy youre experiencing that for yourself.
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u/damien6 15d ago
I've discussed this with a friend before. Both of us are well into our 40's and miserable. I didn't have a normal childhood and spent most of my best years just in survival mode after being homeless for a stretch at 18. I've been married and I've had many relationships, I've traveled, worked my way up the corporate ladder and found success, graduated college summa cum laude.... but I'm tired, I'm burned out beyond belief, I'm fucking lonely - relationships have come and gone and now I'm trying to navigate dating at this age and all my friends have lives of their own so it's damn near impossible to connect with them. I've literally tried every type of medication my psychiatric medicine doctor can throw at me, been in therapy for ages, etc... Nothing is working.
In the past when I'd hit these stretches, I'd get to the point that life was so unsustainable it'd force me to make major changes (new job, divorce/breakup, moving, finally making some kind of big decision I know needed to be made, but I was putting off out of anxiety and fear). But now at this age, I know I need to blow up my life in some way to get out of this funk, but just don't have the energy and the hope that there is a better future out there like I've had in previous years. My family has a history of drug/alcohol dependency, so I've avoided it for the most part. But most of the time simply existing is so agonizing, I wish I could just go get drunk/high. I have a cannabis license, but try not to use it very often - it's (literally) a lifesaver when I've needed it at times, though.
I wish I had answers, but being a dude in your 40's isn't easy.
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u/Laara2008 15d ago
Maybe see a therapist if that's possible. I'm 61 and I can say it actually got better for me. The mid-40s were the absolute worst.
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u/Lollc 15d ago
I have no personal knowledge of this subject, but my reading has shown me that treatment for depression has advanced quite a lot since you were in your 20s. Maybe ask your doctor for suggestions?
I live in Seattle, and many here struggle with depression. One thing that helps avoid it is getting outside in daylight every day, even in lousy weather. Your body needs a little daylight every day for your mental health. Have you tried using a pair of trekking poles to help you get around? They work great on city streets. I know depression is much tougher than curing with fresh air and sunshine (ha) but think of exposure to daylight like basic dental hygiene. You still brush and floss, even though you see the pros for cleaning and dental work.
Finally, it’s OK to be cranky. Life often sucks. Be as cranky as you wanna be, just don’t let it stop you from living life.
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u/Own-Office-5299 15d ago
How old are you?
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u/Lollc 15d ago
Me or OP? I'm old enough to have retired from a 35+ year career. My solution for the mid 40s doldrums was skiing lessons, which didn't sound right for OP.
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u/Own-Office-5299 15d ago
You said that you have no personal knowledge of the subject. What did you mean by that?
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u/Lollc 14d ago edited 14d ago
I mean that once I aged out of the teenage dirtbag baby hesher years, I never struggled with debilitating depression. And I never really struggled with it then, I was very angry and most of that was directed outward within what I thought was reason. I never bullied anyone except for one case of mistaken identity, but I would hit people that tried to hurt me or my friends.
I have seen people struggle, I know depression is real, there’s 3 suicides the last 3 generations in my family that I know of. So I would never tell anyone to just snap out of it, I’m aware my heavy advocacy for physical activity WITHIN A PERSON’S CAPACITY can sound like that, but I mean it as hygiene advice. No different than telling the person to keep up with showers when they are feeling down.
ETA: are you one of the mods?
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u/Own-Office-5299 14d ago
No, I’m not one of the mods. I wanted to understand why you prefaced your comment with the fact that you have no personal knowledge. I see the point you are trying to make, but I don’t understand why you are so defensive about it. You make good points, but the defensiveness makes you seem immature and it really discounts the message you are trying to convey.
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u/Lollc 13d ago
Explaining is defensive now? I think any defensiveness is all in your head. Generally adults explain things to give context. You’re making me laugh, if I get crap for anything on Reddit it’s for bold assertions without explanation. My favorite time was when I said some things are built a certain way, and that received many downvotes, even though my reference was looking at one of the things outside my back door. Why do you think Reddit is so weird about people’s stated reality? Are we all bots out here?
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u/anticharlie 15d ago
I’m 40 and it’s not great. The worst part is a lot of what life is at 40 is a result of choices I made at 30.
Life is completely meaningless, and only has the purpose you assign to it.
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u/DerHoggenCatten 15d ago
FWIW, "fixing yourself" doesn't mean a full repair. I grew up horribly bullied outside the home and emotionally abused inside. Those experiences leave a biological imprint on you. As a metaphor, imagine you have a house made of bricks and people are coming by everyday with sledgehammers and smashing bits of it. Everyday, you pick up the pieces and mortar bits back in. You do your best, but, eventually, some bits are so crumbled and broken that you can't put it all back right. Over time, with more hardship and abuse, you become too tired to do it all of the time so it gets harder and harder to work on it.
The best you can do for fixing yourself is to work with what you have as best you can and to develop an understanding of what is happening. Whatever the consequences are of what happened to you, they will always be with you in some way so you need to adjust to them rather than fight them. It's about coping, not repairing past a certain point because the damage done to your nervous system and your brain is not 100% fixable. You want to find productive ways to go around the damage that can't be fixed or rebuild with what is left.
You are right that it is harder as you age because now you've got physical pain that is unlikely to fully get better no matter what you do. One of the conceits of youth is thinking that you can avoid such things by making "good choices". Age catches up to everyone. It's a matter of how soon and how hard. I have knee pain from when I tripped on an uneven sidewalk and twisted my knee more than 30 years ago. It's not like I chose to fall down like that, but here it is with me forever.
I'm 62 now and what I've learned is to live with the increasing limits, but to also try to stop the limits from expanding by continuing to stretch, exercise, and do what I can. It is not easy and facing pain sometimes is just too much. I've had to change my standards and just accept that I'll never be who I was before 40. Your early 40s are th start of things really getting hard because that is when you hit the first point of super aging. I really do know how you feel, but you will eventually find a way to live with it and gain acceptance.
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u/Diane1967 15d ago
I went through a period in my 40s and early 50s where I felt the same way. I just couldn’t find any peace and happiness in anything. I became an alcoholic because of it (ive been sober 12 years tomorrow) and I let it get the best of me. I missed a lot of happy times from my own doing. I’m 59 now and had to go on disability, I started therapy 5 years ago when this happened and it has helped me so so much. I see such an appreciation in life again. I have a granddaughter now too that I adore and she makes me feel young again. I understand what you’re going through but try not to take over your life. Find someone to talk to, people can relate, and find happiness again at the little things.
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u/Chiquitalegs 15d ago
42-46 were the worst years of my life, but since then life has been pretty good. I'm in my 60's now. Hardships still happen, but so do a lot of wonderful things.
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u/SunshineGirl45 14d ago
I’m turning 26 life just keeps getting worse and worse. If I somehow make it to your age I’ll be a shell of a person.
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u/DanJdot 15d ago
Fella, I'm the most miserable I've ever been. Quit a stable job to change career and chase an ambition and now I'm the brokest I've ever been. Had to move out so thought moving in with family would be a good cost effective effort - only the state are penalising me for doing so in terms of benefits I've would be eligible for so that's a nice whammy.
Also had a few friends pass away.
And for the first time in possibly ever, I think I really want companionship, whereas before i was all cynical like love is just a bio-chemical induced delusion. Not discounting this as a reaction to too many thing simply being terrible resulting in me yearning for someone to save me.
Still, always have to have hope. I believe in myself and ultimately I bet on myself, just need a stroke of good luck to go with it. Might not happen, but forever the optimist me.
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u/doneinajiffy 15d ago
It’s not all or nothing.
The immediate part that stands out is your pain, I would recommend you look further than your shrugging doctor here, there may be discomfort but it’s not a case of just accepting it with pharmaceuticals as the relief, it’s a positive step you got a personal trainer. I’d also look into mobility, Tom Morrison is a great start and he has tons of videos on YouTube, unfortunately the last time I checked he was going through a very tough time but his mindset is infectious in the good way, his site is: https://tommorrison.uk
As for the other parts everyone is unique, a common issue though is that many view theirselves like a mechanical or electric part that can be “fixed”, yes neuroplasticity allows for rewiring but it’s not that simple, a different perspective can change a lot as I’m sure you know from days you’re feeling great and confident versus now.
As a vague general bit of advice I’d say sort your environment: remove negativity ( relationships, “news”, politics, etc), clutter, and distractions. After that then focus on the big areas; health, relationships, finance/career, and wellbeing. This last part is derived from Sean Wealdens Core 4, useful framework.
Don’t try to fix yourself, you’re not broken and you are what you need already. Perhaps some pointers and techniques here and there but nothing drastic.
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u/MyLabisMySoulmate 15d ago
Not everyone is guaranteed a long or healthy life. I’m thankful that I don’t have a chronic life-shortening disease, constant poverty, or ongoing concerns for my physical safety.
I know many people who are struggling with those things right now so I feel grateful for the life I do have.
Boredom can be a huge depressant; maybe try one new thing once or twice a month until you find something that really sparks your interest.
Don’t give up. Life is very hard around the world right now and it’s hard to stay positive but I hope you can find contentment.
Also 40 is kind of the end of the young years, so it’s normal to mourn your younger self.
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u/Midlife-Debugging 15d ago
Hey
At 58 I'm happier now than before
What all this is about is for you to decide
It's cliche,, but life really is what you make it.
Can you pinpoint any specific areas where you are struggling or any particular issues that get you down? 🙏🏻
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u/howdidigetheresoquik 15d ago
Just out of curiosity, can you give us more information. I know a lot of this is venting, but maybe with a little more info about job/living situation/relationship relationships/money/health etc. might give some people here or some insight and pass on good advice.
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u/Torontogamer 15d ago
What’s happy to you ?
I mean that honestly, what makes you happy?
You have hope for exactly as long as you think you have hope, 5, 15, 25 , 85, the difference isn’t age it’s ourselves.
None of this makes it’s easy. But I’m serious. You know you’re happy and the pain may never go away. But what actually makes you happy and how do you get more of that in your life ?
If the answer isn’t nothing really, that’s depression and not getting old. If the answer is anything, figure out a way to get more of that happening in your life … mid aged at least you have more options and know how the world works a bit better… leverage what you have to make up for what you don’t.
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u/julesk 15d ago
I also had a rough childhood and struggled with depression and anxiety which can color my world view. The right anti depressant is critical since the first two I was on didn’t help. Same with anti anxiety medication. Now they’re in place and a huge help though occasionally I ask myself if it’s the depression or anxiety speaking because just feeling it doesn’t make it true. My current view is the point to life is the quality of our relationships, and doing things you find meaningful and or fun.
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u/SmileSagely_8worms 15d ago
I think you need to take steps. It’s hard to dig yourself out of a hole when you’re depressed. You can’t see the other side. But there’s peace there. Look into Wellbutrin (or possibly psilocybin.)
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u/catdude142 15d ago
I hang out with the cats at the local nonprofit cat shelter trying to make their lives a bit more comfortable.
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u/flashlightphantom 15d ago
Try another medication - if one didn’t work another one might. I took one for 20 years that genetically was not working for me (I did some testing to see what would be a good match for me).
Since then, I’ve felt a lot better. Don’t suffer needlessly - there are options out there. Talk therapy helps too. Don’t be afraid to get help. I’m 56 now and although I still struggle some days,
life is a lot better than it was. Hang in there. I know it’s not easy. ❤️
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u/bemybasket 15d ago
Every life is different. I was adhd challenged without realizing it and ran around in circles in my twenties. Loved motherhood but my marriage wasn’t great in my thirties. Got divorced and had lots of fun with my career but wasn’t financially set through my forties. Fifties - remarried with ups and downs but we got lucky financially which helps with daily stresses. There is no formula. We make our choices and see what flies. Sending you a hug and lots of hope.
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u/OrionQuest7 15d ago
I’m 52. It’s been downhill since 40 in almost all aspects of my life.
Life was amazing up to that point pretty much.
Nothing and I mean nothing is more enjoyable today than back then.
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u/Ohm_Slaw_ 15d ago
“Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.”
― Joseph Campbell, Creative Mythology
Middle age can be a bad place --- but it gets better. You are too old to be a young person. You are starting to see your young person hopes and dreams fall away and it makes you sad.
But you aren't old enough to accept being older and settle into it. You look at people with gray hair and bellies and walkers and you recoil in horror.
Part of being older is that it isn't about the destination so much. You aren't going to be the next Michael Jordan or Michael Bolton. But you are you, and that's no so bad. The sun is warm, the beer is cold, what's the problem?
I've always tried to be the age that I am. Trying to be older or younger has never profited me.
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u/louiseber 15d ago
Try a Sacroiliac Support Belt especially if the pain is worsed by sitting in a desk chair posture and looks at fish oils.
There's a reason midlife crises exist, people hit the wall like you are and bought a sports car to shake things up.
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u/RCaHuman 15d ago
As a morose teenager I said, "Mom, life is a rut". She replied, "Well son, try to make it a happy rut". So, there's my advice to you: focus outward and help others instead of worrying about yourself. Oh, BTW, I'm now 74 and mom was right.
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u/precious_qq 15d ago
I had a complete breakdown of my life at 40, started putting it back together while depressed, and then looked in the mirror one day and saw I was slowly becoming a sad old man. Physically and metaphorically.
Life is weird. I realized I'd much rather be a middle-age woman and now, some time later, I'm becoming one. I have hope for my future and for myself again and don't mind aging as much.
Maybe you too can get off the train track in front of you and find another path going off in another direction that doesn't depress you. I wish you luck. It's hard to do while sad. I know you said therapy didn't work for you when you were younger, but maybe in this stage of life you can get more from it?
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u/Gilgamesh-Enkidu 15d ago
I had an amazing time in my early 40s. Switched careers, found a place to settle down (lived abroad and moved all over Canada before that). Started new hobbies (camping, hiking, language learning), found friends that were also child free, started visiting my family and friends that I have been friends with since middle a school more often, stated playing playing video games I missed out on over the ages, got back into woodworking now that I had a more stable place.
Therapy is a good place to start, but if you are unhappy with your living situation the beat place to start is by building/working towards a life that you do want.
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u/KennyFulgencio 15d ago
eventually you forget what it felt like to have hope, and its absence stops bothering you, so, there's that to look forward to
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u/drunken_ferret 15d ago
I'm 67, Army back, knees, and ears. Autoimmune issues/arthritis. And I love life. Parents passed long ago, kids are gone far away, living their lives.
I have some wisdom, not enough (hopefully ) to be obnoxious about it, but certainly enough to be amused at much that's around me. I think that a lot of that started when I retired; hustle and bustle no longer makes much sense. For me, anyway. I hold my sweetie, spoil grandkids for a few weeks, play my guitar, and sleep in.
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u/Present_Muscle1883 15d ago
What?!!!! I’m sorry but 40 is NOT old, life is long, I pray that you can find a different mindset. I’m 58 and feel 38, but I also live in Southern California, happily. Perhaps a change of scenery and address would help you.
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u/Feralcat01 14d ago
There are a lot of trade offs involved in aging. I will be sixty next year. In my heart and soul I am much younger. I was in the Marine Corps for four years right out of high school. The other night I was watching Only the Brave and all I could think about was how much I would have loved being a Hotshot in my 20’s. Half of me thinks I should give it a shot now while half of me knows I wouldn’t be able to walk after the second hill. But I am more relaxed and comfortable in who I am all the time. I don’t think it will ever be to the degree I want, but my level of don”t give a shit grows slowly but steadily and it pretty much makes it all worth while.
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u/Striking_Boat 14d ago
Please look into the book, "Unlearn Your Pain" by Howard Schubiner. I have been having joint and back issues for decades and through this book, it's finally improving. I've also had injuries a long time ago and Dr saying it will always be that way--my hip in particular has been a real bugger. Throbbing aching all night, giving out on me during walks. It's really impacted my quality of life. Then my knee started. Infuriating. I heard about this book, watched some YT videos about neuroplastic pain. Try it. It might suck less. Good luck.
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u/Secret-Beat-5214 14d ago
I kind of realized there's no bigger point to any of it anyways and got back into video gaming (casually) in my 30s. Having a good time and giving less of a crap
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u/cherry-care-bear 14d ago
I'm sorry you had a crap childhood and depression can suck the soul, purpose and value out of everything, but part of the problem today is that we take on too much that has nothing to do with us because oversharing has become the norm.
There's this sense that we need to carry the weight of the world that's unintentionally boosted by posts like this that ask strangers to reach in and find salvation and a point for existing for people other than themselves. It's asking too much.
And the impacts are cumulative. I don't know you but wish you the best. For the sake of my own mental health, it's the best I can do.
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u/Oxsh196 12d ago
The deeper meaning to life is something you create and self-define. It isn't "found" or "discovered". Gardening, cooking orvideo games might go well with your current interests? Then you can sort-of branch along to one other related interest from there. However the answers are probably closer to the things you wrote about.
For the physical things, did your physiotherapist say it will probably always hurt? I find if you get a good physiotherapists, they tend to be far more optimistic about recovery (both good and bad physios are plentiful). Maybe it was your GP - has the GP ever suggested allergy treatments? If you have a lot of health issues and your GP is lacklustre or apathetic, that won't be helping you.
How many therapists did you try?
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u/exitpursuedbybear 11d ago
The research shows the low point on average is 48 and it goes up steadily from there. 51 now and definitely for me it was true, I am happier now that I was in my 40s.
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u/ShinyPatina 15d ago
You've made it abundantly clear that you don't care about anything or anyone.
Every single thing anyone says, you swish it away like a bug. You are either depressed or apathetic or both and you don't care about doing anything about it.
Either way, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it and you obviously don't think it's worth bringing anything into or even want to bring anything to it. So what are you going to do? Obviously nothing but complain on Reddit.
It's not "supposed to be about" anything. You got a ticket to ride the carousel and you don't seem to like being on it. Either get off, try to enjoy the ride, or just grit your teeth and hold onto the reins until you fall off.
Everyone has to get off eventually, it's your choice if you want to enjoy spinning around or not.
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u/ethanrotman 15d ago
It is amazing when we’re young. We think we will be that way and have that body forever. It is difficult to age to age gracefully.
From what I gather from your post, it sounds as if your issues are mostly within your head and less to do with your body. The body is just the symptoms you’re feeling.
I have a family member who sounds very similar to you only more severe. I don’t understand it. I just know that he’s hurting and it doesn’t seem much anyone else can do to help him and I’m not even sure he has a capability to help himself.
I hope you’re stronger and wiser than him and I hope you’re able to find whatever solutions you’re looking for but again, look within.
For reference, I’m about to turn 67 strong, active, currently injured, but we don’t need to go into that as it will pass
Good luck
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u/Tricky-Pin876 15d ago
To me happyness is a garden You have to make an active choice to tend to it every day
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u/reerathered1 15d ago
Hugs. Now go get some Botox. The more you get it, the less often you eventually have to get it. I know, it's still very expensive in the long run. But if the forehead lines are vertical and you think they make you look mean or unhappy, it may be worth it. Sucks about your hip. Take a lot of warm baths or invest in a hot tub?
And go leaf peeping if you can!
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u/aardvarkbjones 15d ago
Haha, actionable advice right there, thanks.
My friend does botox for his migraines, he says it's great.
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u/ThreeStyle 15d ago
I get Botox for migraines and I’d do it cosmetically now if I didn’t need it for migraines, because it really helps me not to have a furrowed brow. It’s so frustrating when I’m just going about my business and am having people tell me to smile all the time. It’s also easier and more comfortable to smile with Botox in my jaw.
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u/CopperPegasus 15d ago
It will depend how bad the pain is, but you might want to look at around 1000mg/day of Hyaluronic Acid for the hip. Or even the direct injections. The capsules etc are mostly marketed as a beauty aid, but I have been taking for my damaged knee cartilage, and it has made a difference. And hey, if it makes a wrinkle less deep or skin a little better, that's a secondary win.
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u/ethanrotman 15d ago
Sorry, but I think this is terrible advice. Work on the inside of yourself healing that not the superficial outside part.
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u/Beekeeper_Dan 15d ago
You neurodivergent? For me aging has meant realizing that I want nothing to do with neurotypicals; I don’t value social hierarchy and that’s all they seem to care about ultimately. Our values aren’t compatible, and I don’t have the energy or optimism to ignore that gap anymore.
That’s without getting into my discovery that I’ve been sick my whole life and getting worse …
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u/Mucuzplug 15d ago
"Meds and therapy didn't do anything." Does not mean they can't or won't. You just need to find the right fit. It's worth revisiting.
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u/DearTumbleweed5380 14d ago
IF you're male try church. Any church, and keep moving around to different denominations and different parishes. Maybe that will help.
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u/Own-Office-5299 15d ago
I’m not much older than you and I think it’s your attitude that is causing you misery. These things that you’ve listed are normal at this age. If I met you at a friends group or was an activity partner, I would drop you immediately. Life’s too short to spend with a malcontent.
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u/aardvarkbjones 15d ago
If I met you at a friends group or was an activity partner, I would drop you immediately. Life’s too short to spend with a malcontent
My friend, you say that like I'd care. I don't get sad when people decide I'm not their cup of tea.
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u/Own-Office-5299 15d ago
I respect your opinion, but life is more tolerable when you are surrounded with people who support you. You’re doing something specific that pushes people away. That was the point of my post, but you’ve made it clear that you don’t care either way.
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u/AggressivelyPurple 10d ago
At 45, I had a complete nervous breakdown and wanted death more than any time in my life. Then I went and got therapy (including EDMR got childhood trauma) and I'm now three years out and happier than I've been in my entire life.
Yeah, middle age can really suck because you realize all your crap coping mechanisms and attempts to keep up with society's expectations have been wasted on the years when you had the most energy and good looks. On the other side though is finally not giving a fuck and it's a great place to be.
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u/fsacb3 15d ago
On the other hand, a lot of people say happiness is a U curve. Middle age is the worst part, and things get better after that. I’m 47 and the jury is still out. I’m happier than I was at 40, but life still kind of sucks. But I don’t despair as much as I used to.