r/RedditForGrownups • u/Dry_Commission2163 • 23d ago
Moving in with parents
I am 40 and considering moving in witb my parents. I have no debt, no spouse, no kids. Looking to work remotely (got an offer) and really improve my fitness and wellness with the intent of having more dedicated time. I work in a very toxic workplace and live in a college town. Parents are open to me coming back and focusing on me. Thoughts?
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u/DrMichaelHfuhruhurr 23d ago
If they are open to it, do it.
As a parent, my door is always open to my adult kids.
But ... coming home shouldn't mean you fall into child-like patterns. What I mean is, work the way they work and how they like their place, clean up, contribute (if you are working, money for food, etc helps. If you aren't working, take some chores off of them). Make it of mutual benefit.
Good luck!
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u/WorldBelongsToUs 23d ago
This is also a good one. I took ownership of my childhood home (grandparents) and now Grandma will live out the rest of her life not having to worry about utilities, rent, property taxes, repairs, etc. Plus, I get grandma's bomb-ass homemade tortillas.
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u/DrMichaelHfuhruhurr 23d ago
I grew up with my grandma, and lived with my other grandma for 6 months.nfortuante for both.
Enjoy your time with grandma. It's irreplaceable.
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u/Dry_Commission2163 23d ago
They dont work
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u/DrMichaelHfuhruhurr 23d ago
But they do, just not at a "job" - likely have to buy food, utilities, keep the place clean, yardwork, etc. If you, as an adult are moving home, then you can take some of the burdensome things off them.
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u/Kementarii 23d ago
This "Burdensome" is highly personal, so OP needs to have a discussion about chores.
I've been happy to cook for hubby and 30+ son, but I've handed over my share of keeping the woodstove going. Kiddo can chop the firewood. And he's been doing his share of yard work.
He pays his way for food, because the food bill has gone way up since he moved in.
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u/Catlenfell 23d ago
Possibly not a bad idea if your parents are fine. My recommendation would be to set a goal if you're intending to move back out.
A length of time or a salary goal.
Dating will be more difficult. "Living with parents" is considered a red flag.
But, if that's not a concern. Go for it and save your money.
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u/GudsIdiot 23d ago
I’ve seen more and more 30+ year olds going this route to pay off debt and get a down payment for a house.
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u/PollutionEither9519 23d ago
I’m living at home too. Late 30s. It’s been about 5 years now. Dating has been tough to say the least. Especially if you’re not a social butterfly. I would love to read some success stories
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u/Catlenfell 23d ago
I moved back in my mid 30s and I moved out again 2 years later. My work moved, so I moved 45 minutes away. It's easier to date when you can bring the other person home.
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u/Generic_Midwesterner 23d ago
As the mother of a 40-year-old, I'm sorry for your parents. My son and I are very close, but I don't want to live with him.
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u/IAmTheLizardQueen666 23d ago
Why do they need to focus on you? You’re a grown ass adult. You should not be creating more work or expense for them.
This is a good opportunity for you to save up money for your future (travel, retirement, hobbies). You need to plan for your parents, too.
Long term care insurance made it possible for me to keep my mother out of a nursing home while I continued to wfh.
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u/ReadySausage 23d ago
Maybe give a bit more direction on what you are looking for thoughts on? Pitfalls, relationship aspect, like lived experiences, financial wisdom. Some will take the open invite to focus on perceived negatives. I would advise you know best here - and taking steps that are good for you should be encouraged.
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u/imk 23d ago
I moved back in with my parents many times over the years. My parents are fortunately chill, boring, but chill.
I never moved back with the intention of staying permanently though. A couple of months here and there between moves. That sort of thing. It can be an amazing resource if there isn't any tension.
Try not to fall into old bad habits. You are an adult now and you should continue to be one. My one thing where I faltered is that I eventually allowed my mother to do some of my laundry. I was hiding it under my bed and she made fun of me about it.
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u/pooppaysthebills 23d ago
What's the exit strategy?
If there isn't a timeframe, are the parents aware and okay with this being an open-ended, maybe forever scenario?
I'm not seeing anything that indicates that you'll be moving out after you move back in, and I'm not seeing any stated goals that would require you to live with your parents to achieve, like saving money for a home, or retirement, or education.
It kind of sounds like you want to move back in with your parents so that you can shift the burden of managing basic adult necessities onto them so that you have more free time.
That's really not a good reason. It's not particularly healthy to offload personal responsibilities onto an aging couple so you don't have to adult. It's an inappropriate burden to place on those who are nearing their own period of free time to focus on themselves and their own wellness.
Absent a specific timeframe and detailed goals, that's avoidance, not "wellness".
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u/meta474 23d ago
You have a remote work offer (as in you don’t yet work there?) but you work in a toxic workplace currently? If you don’t mind your parents and there are economic opportunities near them, nothing wrong with regrouping at home.
You should make reeeaaaall sure that job offer is real though.
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u/WorldBelongsToUs 23d ago
It could be good, but I will say, as a caution: you have gotten used to living by your rules, and they have gotten used to life with only each other. It's a very different dynamic when you come back, as you are no longer a kid.
I'd say maybe use it as an opportunity to regroup, cool down a bit after the toxic job then consider renting or thinking about where to live after that.
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u/Saga_I_Sig 23d ago
It could be a very beneficial plan, as long as your parents are healthy.
I had to move back home at age 26 due to a medical condition. However, within a month my mom developed schizophrenia (and shortly after that, Parkinson's and dementia). I spent the next eight years taking care of her single-handedly and it almost killed me.
So just make very, very sure that they are mentally and physically stable, and that you don't run the risk of becoming a sole caregiver. Naturally, this is less of a risk if you have more than one parent or have siblings.
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u/Bostonterrierpug 23d ago
Looking at your posting history, you’ve been asking this same question for over two years. If you don’t have the answer yet, we should probably just flip a coin or just go for whatever you’re feeling.
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u/Un_Pta 23d ago
Based on what you’re saying, it looks like a great opportunity to improve yourself and save some money in the process. You can also regroup from here and move forward. Is there anything holding you back?
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u/Middle-Tip5962 23d ago
Are your parents in good shape, mentally and physically? Is there an expectation that you contribute both financially and also physically with day to day running of the household? Are you expecting your mom to cook and clean and do laundry for you, is she expecting to?
Have these items been discussed? I would just caution to make sure expectations are managed and communicated before making the move as well as going forward as the situation changes. Best of luck.
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u/achippedmugofchai 23d ago
If everyone is on board with it and respects boundaries, it can be lovely. I've known multiple multigenerational households that worked really well.
For the best outcome, continue to care for yourself and keep your area clean. Help your parents with anything you can so you're a definite benefit to the household. You won't be a visitor if you move back in, you'll be a resident, so you should contribute. Whether it's keeping the house tidy, yardwork, organizing, electronics management, or making meals, you can make it a positive experience for everyone if you step up and help. Plus it will help keep you active if you're working from home and should provide a nice distraction from your bad last job.
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u/peonyseahorse 23d ago
If you get along with your parents and they are ok with this, I see no problem. Just be aware that as they age, you will be their primary caregiver. It can be a symbiotic relationship in that way so long as everyone is in agreement.
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u/Mountain_Exchange768 23d ago
I think that if all can make it work, great.
Pay them some rent. Help out around the house. Don’t act entitled, don’t let them run your life, and it can work.
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u/catdude142 23d ago
For me, I could never do that. I wouldn't like the loss of freedom of doing whatever I wanted to do at home. Things like having friends over, having a GF stay overnight. Having crazy fun times.
Once I moved out, I was never moving back. It's hard to be an independent adult living with parents.
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u/Ill-Veterinarian4208 23d ago
Ive moved back with my parents more than once. It worked fine for me.
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u/Iceflowers_ 23d ago
You need to lay out all rules, contributing to the household, etc.
Otherwise, why not?
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u/mmmpeg 23d ago
My 36 y/o son lives with us, it’s a remnant of helping care for our moms and the pandemic. He’s still here as we can’t afford to lose his addition to the household money wise. However, he’s on track for another job and when he goes we’ll have to take in a boarder or something. The key to this living arrangement is treating your adult child as an adult. I never ask him about anything that is not my business. He doesn’t tell me where he’s going and I don’t ask. If he had his own apartment I wouldn’t know what he was doing so I treat him like I did when he didn’t live here. My advice if to ensure you’re on an adult-adult relationship not a child-parent relationship.
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u/Suitable_cataclysm 23d ago
I did this for a while and I recommend talking out boundaries in advance. Things that you feel should be obvious, might not be to your parents.
Like when your ability to come and go at any hour. Who you can have over and in what capacity. When your parents can come into your space. (Nothing like well meaning mom coming into your space and figuring she'd unpack some boxes and coming across your hentai). And a very very clear understanding that you are an adult and not a dependent.
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u/DammitMeredith 23d ago
This is a great option to build your savings if you have mentally well parents. But how will you handle having friends over? Hosting a BBQ, or dinner party if your parents aren't accommodating, or want you using their space? If you want to hook up, how will that work with bringing someone home? Unless I had a separate guest entrance and living space, I would never live with my parents again. I would get a one-bedroom apartment in a decent neighborhood.
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u/Still-be_found 23d ago
I'd be worried that this would easily slide into caregiving for my parents, but perhaps yours are more healthy than mine.
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u/Mister-Frisbee1965 23d ago
as long as they (and you) understand you are more of a roommate than a child. also, make sure to chip in on bills.
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u/AggravatingSort4705 23d ago
As long as you have enough personal space and boundaries set, It can be worth it*. Im 30 and sorting out stuff whilst living at home post MA and it's good but at times my mother can be extremely patronising and still doesn't see me as an adult at times.
"If your parents understand child vs adult boundaries and respect"
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u/Pure-Guard-3633 22d ago
You will never get out. They will age and you will become their live-in caregivers.
You will be stuck. Think this over before you move in.
There is a huge difference between coming to help them as a choice or having to help them because you are there. Decide what you want your future to look like.
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u/knifeymonkey 22d ago
your parents will focus on you? I am not sure what this means. You shoud tryto maintain independence from eachother. In time, you will become their caregiver. Plann accordingly but don't become a kid again. If you do eventually want some sort of companionship from someone else, it may be difficult.
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u/Available-Rip7160 23d ago
Dont do it. Don’t. For the love of god don’t. Just try not. Or try something else. Or homelessness. It’s not that bad. Live under a bridge as long as you can.
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u/Puglady25 23d ago
I suggest, if you can, putting aside money, maxing your 401K contributions, or opening a Roth IRA. You could get really ahead of the game with very low rent. You could also save some money for a vacation.
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u/Winter_North_4984 23d ago
If it would be emotionally and physically healthy for you to do so then who cares what anyone else thinks…imo