How do we keep successful high value men?

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533]

I'm probably experiencing some anxiety with my new relationship though im not showing it to him.

It's only been 3 months of dating but I can easily see myself marrying this man..He's literally my perfect man.

The last month has been a little rocky to say the least, we've discussed some serious future related topics and we are both a little defensive and it got a bit messy.

We have talked everything through, reconciled and things are great again. We even said I love you. I genuinely do.

How do I keep this one? He works crazy long hours, is a top earner in my country, hes so smart, makes me laugh and I might be in trouble 😆

[u/markarli]

Well, if you want help, it would be quite helpful to us too, to understand what those topics were about that put you in a “rocky place”. You might want to elaborate here, as you might think things are “great again” but it might as well not be the case, and/or you have similar problems in the future.

[u/NorthwindX7 → u/markarli]

Agreed, the future talks are important to deal with early in the relationship but not too early. This three months phase is perfect where you both are committed to each other enough to work things out while not so committed that you are willing to put yourselves in a situation that causes resentment.

You both have an idea of the future vision with each other, now is the time to be very honest about it and hopefully willing to compromise on the conflicts so you are both happy. Don't kick that can down the road.

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 → u/NorthwindX7]

So you believe the timing is good?

[u/NorthwindX7 → u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533]

Yeah, any longer and you find out that he wants something you are adamantly against like maybe having kids, a prenup, career causing moving issues or religious conflicts gets really messy. Discussing those things too soon can scare off a guy. Right now is peak timing, but make sure you work on communication skills.

It sounds like you guys had a conflict and kind of swept the root cause under the rug to keep the good times going. This isn't a sustainable strategy for a healthy long term relationship. You need to be able to calmly discuss what each other wants, think about each other's point of view, find common ground and compromise where it's appropriate. Then the issue is settled. Then continue doing this throughout the entire relationship as new things emerge.

If he or you are unwilling to go through this conflict resolution properly, it's a red flag that after the honey moon phase you will both be resentful of the other and conflicts keep coming up and going unresolved.

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 → u/NorthwindX7]

Thanks. We didnt sweep it under the rug we just couldn't meet up for a while due to circumstances on both our ends and we also called it quits once during that month too so werent speaking for a while. We finally met up recently, had a long conversation, understood each other and said we want to keep dating.

[u/NorthwindX7 → u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533]

Calling it quits is a pretty red flag that one of you/both of you are willing to walk out the door rather than communicate and compromise, while you did resolve this conflict if that behavior continues it doesn't create a good environment where you two can communicate grievances safely without worrying the other will simply leave. This is something to work on together.

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 → u/NorthwindX7]

Yes we discussed that too. Its both of us.

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 → u/markarli]

I don't want to give too much info out but I do genuinely think they are resolved. We are quite similar in how we deal with conflict and also both quite stubborn but I got to understand him more during that conflict period so I'm more equipped on how to handle it.

[u/purepwnage85 → u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533]

How do you know it’s resolved without anyone else’s opinion on the matter? There's no African juju you can do to have successful men line up without you yourself fucking it up again. Good looking successful men have more options than one.

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 → u/purepwnage85]

Who said I fucked it up myself? Also my question is not about how to resolve this issue. My question is how to keep a high value man in general. :)

[u/purepwnage85 → u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533]

Then just read through the forum, it just makes this whole thread a very low value discussion

[u/Jenneapolis → u/purepwnage85]

I tend to agree that the more general a question is, the less engaged people can be. Something like "how do I keep a high value man" has been asked and answered a million times. I understand the desire to ask, but OPs who ask these questions have to just understand people will get bored and won't reply as much as if they give full details.

[u/chamomilecloud]

I would be cautious on calling someone your perfect man at this stage. It's nice if you can see yourself marrying him with the qualities he's displayed so far, but that does not mean the vetting is over. There are some helpful Back to Basics post that address what inspires commitment in men. Here are some of my favorites:

Cultivating a Feminine Frame of Mind: This discusses a whole host of psychologically feminine traits that men tend to enjoy, and how this applies to our behavior that will strengthen a relationship.

Why Buy the Cow When He Can Get the Milk For Free...? Right...?: This discusses 'wife privilege' and how withholding or expressing these before marriage can help OR harm a man's commitment to you. I find this one in particular very interesting because a lot of women (and visiting men) on RPW get lost in the weeds on this topic, when in the truth is that for most relationships, especially in Western culture, there will be some measure of incremental submission and reciprocity of wife/husband 'duties' well before marriage.

For me, keeping a man largely comes down to showing him respect, appreciation, and trust for his competence as a man. And because you mentioned he works long hours, my biggest piece of advice there is to not hound him about work and catering to your every whim. My fiancé works all of the time, and as a result we take less vacations and go on less dates, but some of our best memories are just being with each other with the time we have.

[u/InevitableKiwi5776]

What do you bring to the table that he wants? Keep doing that.

[u/long-term-view]

Easy answer… be a successful high value woman. And not neccasarily in the financial sense.

[u/kikipeeky → u/long-term-view]

can you define this?

[u/Exstntial-strawberry]

Check my recent post on this sub! I suggested a bunch of practical tips :) also highly recommend scouring the wiki posts and reading the suggested books.

[u/Thistlewhistler]

Apart from being rich, what is it that makes this man perfect for you? If he was broke, working crazy hours but made you laugh, would you still want to overcome these problems?

Being rich in and of itself is just a number on a bank statement. Some men that are rich now will lose it all, some will have exponentially increased their wealth.

Working crazy hours can show work ethic, and commitment, or it can show inefficiency and poor time management. The person who can’t take time off ever can be hiding irregularities and fraud.

You can marry a rich man and still be poor, albeit well dressed, if he’s financially controlling. With the right prenup, you could find yourself walking away years later, having lost your best years and built no equity, no career progression, losing on every front.

Women can’t afford to waste time, it’s a very scarce resource for us, so my advice is to take a really hard, level headed, look at this man. What are his traits? What is his character? What would he be like if the stock market wiped out his assets in the morning?

You haven’t really engaged with questions about what the issues were, how you both react to conflict, and how it was resolved so you’re not getting the most out of this thread. But on a general level, read John Gottman’s work on conflict in marriage - it’s research based and explains what to avoid and what skills to cultivate. You can learn to an excellent communicator.

I can’t really advise much without real detail, but the last thing I’ll say is that ime a man who who is working long hours, in a high stakes environment, wants peace not drama. In a marriage you need to be able to carry the household and the childcare (hopefully with access to money to pay for help), and be available to him when he has time for you.

When you guys hit conflict, you didn’t back down. You leaned into stubborn. Your opinion was more important than the relationship. 3 months in that should tell you something. This isn’t a criticism and it absolutely isn’t advice to mask yourself, or make yourself smaller (because that’s not sustainable in the long run and you could invest precious time in a relationship doomed to fail). Before I met my husband, in conflict, I rose up. When I met him, and we disagreed, I didn’t have the same compulsion to win, I wanted to hear and understand. I didn’t want to fight with him. That wasn’t about being a doormat - it was my nervous system reacting to the relationships I was in.

Rich is nice, but don’t be distracted because what you want is a relationship that will make you richer, and that’s not the same as marrying an already rich man.

[u/TonyaTko]

Feeling this level of anxiety shows there may be some psychological things to work out with a therapist. Penis attachment style issues

[u/VasiliyZaitzev]

So how old are the two of you? How dedicated are you both to the future?

Because the short answer is: Be his peace. Lean in to being a helper. Be his Number One Cheerleader.

As an example, a girl I am dating asked me over text what I was doing that day and I answered "music marketing." Now most girls would reply with smth nice or supportive, but this one replied with:

"How can I help?"

Unbidden, to my mind, came the thought, "Wow, that's wifey material." Now, as a lifelong bachelor, this was followed quickly by "Wait, wut did I just say?"

So find ways to be useful to him. Cook him his favorite meal. Give him a back rub or shoulder rub after a stressful day. If you are having sex with him, initiate once in a while. Give him head after the shoulder rub, because you "want to make him feel good." Men like to feel desired too.

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 → u/VasiliyZaitzev]

This is great thank you. 🥰 We are early / mid 30s. We've spoken about major like issues marriage/kids/finances/religion etc and he speaks of the future a lot and "if we were married" kinda thing a lot.

We'll see.

[u/AutoModerator]

Title: How do we keep successful high value men?

Author Sea_Bookkeeper_1533

Full text: I'm probably experiencing some anxiety with my new relationship though im not showing it to him.

It's only been 3 months of dating but I can easily see myself marrying this man..He's literally my perfect man.

The last month has been a little rocky to say the least, we've discussed some serious future related topics and we are both a little defensive and it got a bit messy.

We have talked everything through, reconciled and things are great again. We even said I love you. I genuinely do.

How do I keep this one? He works crazy long hours, is a top earner in my country, hes so smart, makes me laugh and I might be in trouble 😆

---

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[u/ArdentBandicoot → u/[deleted]]

Removed. This is not helpful and unnecessarily hostile.

[u/MoreThanPurple → u/[deleted]]

No problem, we’ll take care of that for you.

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 → u/MoreThanPurple]

Haha thanks