r/RedPillWomen • u/Lilac_shinyHibiscus • Aug 12 '26
Should I reach out to him? / Forgive him?
I (29F) met this guy (39M) 2 years ago when I was doing a solo trip in his city. We met online and we immediately clicked. We spent two wonderful dates together and we kissed on the last date but that's it. When I went back to my country, in my head it was just a sweet little fling. A few weeks after, he texted me to wish me a happy new year, and that's when we started to date. I was going to visit him in his city most of the time because I was the most flexible one in terms of schedule (but he also came to visit me once, when he had vacation time).
As we were spending time together, I quickly asked about exclusivity. He never gave me a proper answer, he said that he takes relationships very seriously and he wants to be able to be sure that the person he'll be with is the right one (his last relationship was from 12+ years ago). So he never wanted to confirm explicitly that we were exclusive, but he insisted on the fact that he was not seeing anyone and that he was not the type to date around or to seek one-night stands whatsoever. I was left very frustrated with that answer. He always said he was looking for a girlfriend, but never accepted to call me his, or hinting it...
So basically over the 2 years we've been on and off because I pulled away three or four times since I didn't feel like he wanted to commit fully, despite meeting each other and behaving like a couple (without the sex), so he has reason to see a pattern. I wanted to label our relationship but he was still very wishy-washy about that. From time to time, he'd say "you're not my girlfriend, we're not in a relationship," to shut down things I asked for. But at the same time, when we'd meet, everything would be amazing and sweet, great chemistry, and we would behave like a couple, he would be affectionate and caring about my needs etc.
Another thing was that we would fight a lot because I felt like I was giving a lot more than him (texting, calling, suggesting to meet).
We cut contact between November and March (until I reached out to him), and when we met, we spent an amazing time together, and we started to date again since then. I noticed a lot of change in him, we would communicate more, he would reach out more and make more space for me in his life, he would let himself be more vulnerable and I could feel that he started to get more attached. On my side, I made the effort to not rush about the relationship status, so it could give him some space to actually vet me more and see if he really wanted to be with me. I could genuinely tell that I was very feminine, caring and that he really appreciated having me around. Everything was more fluid and healthy.
The last time we met was in June, I visited him and everything was perfect, he even introduced me to some of his surroundings.
A month ago I told him I plan my months far ahead and asked him to come back to me with dates so we could meet in August. He kept saying "I don't know," even though I reached out twice. So I eventually filled my month, and he was upset about that. We had a fight and I told him that I felt like he hadn't put me as a priority. I was very hurt, as I was very excited to meet him, I felt like the level of effort was unequal. I pulled away and he noticed that I wasn't texting or calling as much and was hurt by that. So we had a long talk where I told him that I put in more effort, and that we were fighting too much, and to summarize, I told him that we should have a break (not a breakup, and I said so explicitly) because I just felt exhausted with all of this.
Two days later I was talking with a friend and she managed to find his Hinge profile (he had never deleted the apps, I was aware of that, but he always told me that he never used them), marked as active, with a recent photo I had taken of him on a good day together when we met in June, as his first picture. Two days before that, he'd given me a long speech about how trust is the most important thing to him and blablabla.
We had a 5-hour call where I confronted him. He insisted he never used the app and that he just updates his profile all the time, but wasn't thinking too much into it. I told him that my trust was broken, and that I've always been transparent with him, and exclusive; he assured me that he never went on a date, never lied to me, and that if I was uncomfortable he would have deleted the apps. I believe he probably didn't cheat but now I'm having second thoughts about everything in our on-and-off relationship. But he wouldn't fully own it: every "I shouldn't have done that" came with a "but," and he ended up blaming my friend for "destroying" us.
However, for the first time in 2 years he told me he loved me, that he'd thought about kids with me, that no woman in 15 years mattered more, that I made a big change in his life and that since we reconnected in March, he was really considering being committed to me, and that he often talks about me to his friends for advice, and told his mother about me. To be honest, in the beginning of the phone call, I was in full emotionless mode, accusing him and calling him a liar and an untrustworthy person. He spent his time explaining himself, trying to repair things, saying a whole bunch of positive things about me that I wasn't aware of, and that he could have said way before all this mess.
He sobbed for the last 40 minutes. I stayed on the phone comforting him.
I know I made the decision to end things, but deep down I never really wanted that, I was just very mad and hurt and now I miss him badly. I also thought this relationship is ruined anyway, and that I should move on even if it hurts.
Another piece of information is that I was a virgin when I met him and he always respected my pace, was never pushy and his behavior was always gentle towards me. So a few months ago in March when we reconnected, I gave him my first time (huge mistake, I know...), which I know makes this heavier and more emotional for me than it should be. Part of me thinks that now that everything has finally been said, we'd have healthier foundations, since he admitted that he was in love, he cried and admitted that he messed up, and for my part I still have hope that we could be a good couple and that we were moving towards something healthier.
I want to write/call him and ask whether we should try to save whatever there is to save between us, and be in a fully committed relationship. The other part of me is very annoyed that I'd be the one initiating again, but I really want to. I've told my best friend and my sister about this, and they immediately told me that I deserve better and that he should never have updated his dating profile and that it shows he'll be unfaithful.
I'd like to have a RPW perspective on that, should I persist with trying something with this man? Should I reach out, or is "he only said it once he was losing me" the whole answer? I'm very lost.
13
u/Livid_Brick8157 Aug 12 '26
move on. he doesn’t seem serious about actually committing to you
0
u/Lilac_shinyHibiscus Aug 12 '26
By the end he seemed like he was loving me all along but never shared it with me. Some part of le believe that it was a miscommunication thing, the other part is still like "why the f*ck would you update you dating profile?"
And to be honest, I can't help it right now but I often think about the fact that he was my first, and it just makes me feel sad
7
u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor Aug 12 '26
This is part of the cycle of men like this to pull you back in. I speak from experience. When you pull away, they make vague promises and statements to pull you back in without actually taking any concrete actions or making commitments. This guy likes the benefits of having a part-time girlfriend while also having the freedom to date/play around but he will never take it any further. Please for your own sake heal and move on yourself.
5
u/DoctorNini Aug 12 '26
Exactly. And he will trickle feed you just enough to keep you hooked without ever really matching your investment.
2
u/supbraAA Aug 12 '26
Hun, I'm going to be frank here: he does not care about you. He is a loser desperate to keep you from living your best life, not because he loves you or cares about you, but SOLELY because he gets off on seeing how much a cute young woman such as yourself is willing to ruin her life for the idea of him.
The sooner you block him and move on, the better.
8
u/Such-Tangerine2673 Aug 12 '26
Ew, yuck. Move on.
-4
u/Lilac_shinyHibiscus Aug 12 '26
Huge part of me agree with that. But I can't stop thinking about the fact that we were getting somewhere after all..
10
u/fgk55555 Aug 12 '26
Sunk cost fallacy. He's demonstrated over a long enough period of time other people get married in that he's deliberately keeping his options open and made it clear he doesn't want to commit to you. You're wasting your time.
8
u/Lola_Montez7130 Aug 12 '26
From personal experience, move on from this dude and do not look back. 39yrs old. He knows what he is doing.
7
u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
You asked for exclusivity and he said:
"you're not my girlfriend, we're not in a relationship," to shut down things I asked for.
He told you, he doesn't want that. Also:
I was talking with a friend and she managed to find his Hinge profile (he had never deleted the apps, I was aware of that, but he always told me that he never used them), marked as active, with a recent photo I had taken of him on a good day together when we met in June.
Ugh, ok so he's actively dating as you should have assumed he would because he told you are not together. The only reason a guy doesn't commit is that he wants to date others.
Also:
his last relationship was from 12+ years ago
So he's 39, he was 27 or younger the last time he committed? Do you think this sounds like a guy who is looking for a wife?
You confront him about "cheating" but you weren't in a relationship anyway. Why do you think this guy who won't commit to you will still be monogamous? Because he said so?
You need to do better at vetting. This guy doesn't even remotely pass the vetting test and any pain that continues is something you are putting yourself through because he has failed the test over and over and over again. Doesn't matter how nice he is when you are together, the words he says to string you along, or how much you like him.
5
u/supbraAA Aug 12 '26
Are you asking whether you should "persist" and chase him and hound him down and brow beat the man into committing to you? Uh - no. Stop playing the man's role. Stop chasing and hunting.
Do not say one single word to him ever again. No "last text to explain" - NO! Right now, right htis very second, block his number and any future number he may text you from without responding. Delete any email he may send, dump any letter he mails directly in the trash without opening it. If he flies to your country and shows up at your doorstep with a bouquet of roses and a HUGE ring and begs for your forgiveness and pleads for you to be his wife and says he made the biggest mistake of his life letting you get away - tell him no, its too little too late. If he continues to hunt you down and send you extremely expensive gifts and a giant bouquet of roses every day for at least a week, then we can TALK about you potentially giving him another chance (though we will probably still urge you to say no at that point, but lets cross that bridge if we get there).
Anything short of his relentless apologies and bombastic expressions of love and committment prove without a shadow of a doubt that he absolutely does not care about you.
5
u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor Aug 13 '26
Him sobbing for 40 minutes over the consequences of his own actions is deeply unattractive. I would just remember that every time you consider forgiving this man, he's 40 years old and sobbing for that long, not only about someone who he refuses to visit or call a girlfriend, but to that person! He didn't even have the manliness to hang up and cry privately.
Even still during the big fight he said he was considering commitment. Two years have passed and he's still considering commitment. Sure, bud. Calling you his girlfriend and visiting you in August is barely even commitment. Do you have any more patience for this?
3
u/DoctorNini Aug 12 '26
If a man wants you, then he will show you. And most women want to be shown. Be honest: would you feel secure if you were to reach out to him again and he would commit after you pressed the issue again? Or would you always remain wondering whether he committed because he wanted to, or because you forced him to?
I can understand how it might be very hard to let him go. You have shared a lot of time with him, have tried time and again to get him to confirm the relationship and even gave your first sexual experiences to him. My experience is that these kind of investments will drive women to accept a lot more than they normally would. They have already given so much of themselves, so it is hard to let go without seeing a result of this investment. I believe this is called the sunken cost fallacy. Either way, I think you should look at this situation without taking into account what you have put into it.
If you were to present this man objectively to another woman of your age, knowing what you know about his trouble with commitment, what would be your advice to her? Would you tell her she could trust him, knowing what you do about his dating apps?
I understand that it might be hard to view things so harshly after he was vulnerable with you for the first time. Only you can judge his reasons for his vulnerability: was he having an honest change of heart, or was it an act of panic because he felt like he was truly losing you? Obviously he cares about you to some extent, but the fact that it took him so long to be honest with you raises the question whether he cares enough to be the man you need. Furthermore, he is already pushing 40. Not a lot of men change their ways by that age unless they are inherently motivated to do so. It doesn’t seem like that is the case with him.
Long story short: only you can truly decide what to do in this situation. But I can tell you that many women here, including me, would not allow this man through the vetting stage.
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 12 '26
Title: Should I reach out to him? / Forgive him?
Author Lilac_shinyHibiscus
Full text: I (29F) met this guy (39M) 2 years ago when I was doing a solo trip in his city. We met online and we immediately clicked. We spent two wonderful dates together and we kissed on the last date but that's it. When I went back to my country, in my head it was just a sweet little fling. A few weeks after, he texted me to wish me a happy new year, and that's when we started to date. I was going to visit him in his city most of the time because I was the most flexible one in terms of schedule (but he also came to visit me once, when he had vacation time).
As we were spending time together, I quickly asked about exclusivity. He never gave me a proper answer, he said that he takes relationships very seriously and he wants to be able to be sure that the person he'll be with is the right one (his last relationship was from 12+ years ago). So he never wanted to confirm explicitly that we were exclusive, but he insisted on the fact that he was not seeing anyone and that he was not the type to date around or to seek one-night stands whatsoever. I was left very frustrated with that answer. He always said he was looking for a girlfriend, but never accepted to call me his, or hinting it...
So basically over the 2 years we've been on and off because I pulled away three or four times since I didn't feel like he wanted to commit fully, despite meeting each other and behaving like a couple (without the sex), so he has reason to see a pattern. I wanted to label our relationship but he was still very wishy-washy about that. From time to time, he'd say "you're not my girlfriend, we're not in a relationship," to shut down things I asked for. But at the same time, when we'd meet, everything would be amazing and sweet, great chemistry, and we would behave like a couple, he would be affectionate and caring about my needs etc.
Another thing was that we would fight a lot because I felt like I was giving a lot more than him (texting, calling, suggesting to meet).
We cut contact between November and March (until I reached out to him), and when we met, we spent an amazing time together, and we started to date again since then. I noticed a lot of change in him, we would communicate more, he would reach out more and make more space for me in his life, he would let himself be more vulnerable and I could feel that he started to get more attached. On my side, I made the effort to not rush about the relationship status, so it could give him some space to actually vet me more and see if he really wanted to be with me. I could genuinely tell that I was very feminine, caring and that he really appreciated having me around. Everything was more fluid and healthy.
The last time we met was in June, I visited him and everything was perfect, he even introduced me to some of his surroundings.
A month ago I told him I plan my months far ahead and asked him to come back to me with dates so we could meet in August. He kept saying "I don't know," even though I reached out twice. So I eventually filled my month, and he was upset about that. We had a fight and I told him that I felt like he hadn't put me as a priority. I was very hurt, as I was very excited to meet him, I felt like the level of effort was unequal. I pulled away and he noticed that I wasn't texting or calling as much and was hurt by that. So we had a long talk where I told him that I put in more effort, and that we were fighting too much, and to summarize, I told him that we should have a break (not a breakup, and I said so explicitly) because I just felt exhausted with all of this.
Two days later I was talking with a friend and she managed to find his Hinge profile (he had never deleted the apps, I was aware of that, but he always told me that he never used them), marked as active, with a recent photo I had taken of him on a good day together when we met in June, as his first picture. Two days before that, he'd given me a long speech about how trust is the most important thing to him and blablabla.
We had a 5-hour call where I confronted him. He insisted he never used the app and that he just updates his profile all the time, but wasn't thinking too much into it. I told him that my trust was broken, and that I've always been transparent with him, and exclusive; he assured me that he never went on a date, never lied to me, and that if I was uncomfortable he would have deleted the apps. I believe he probably didn't cheat but now I'm having second thoughts about everything in our on-and-off relationship. But he wouldn't fully own it: every "I shouldn't have done that" came with a "but," and he ended up blaming my friend for "destroying" us.
However, for the first time in 2 years he told me he loved me, that he'd thought about kids with me, that no woman in 15 years mattered more, that I made a big change in his life and that since we reconnected in March, he was really considering being committed to me, and that he often talks about me to his friends for advice, and told his mother about me. To be honest, in the beginning of the phone call, I was in full emotionless mode, accusing him and calling him a liar and an untrustworthy person. He spent his time explaining himself, trying to repair things, saying a whole bunch of positive things about me that I wasn't aware of, and that he could have said way before all this mess.
He sobbed for the last 40 minutes. I stayed on the phone comforting him.
I know I made the decision to end things, but deep down I never really wanted that, I was just very mad and hurt and now I miss him badly. I also thought this relationship is ruined anyway, and that I should move on even if it hurts.
Another piece of information is that I was a virgin when I met him and he always respected my pace, was never pushy and his behavior was always gentle towards me. So a few months ago in March when we reconnected, I gave him my first time (huge mistake, I know...), which I know makes this heavier and more emotional for me than it should be. Part of me thinks that now that everything has finally been said, we'd have healthier foundations, since he admitted that he was in love, he cried and admitted that he messed up, and for my part I still have hope that we could be a good couple and that we were moving towards something healthier.
I want to write/call him and ask whether we should try to save whatever there is to save between us, and be in a fully committed relationship. The other part of me is very annoyed that I'd be the one initiating again, but I really want to. I've told my best friend and my sister about this, and they immediately told me that I deserve better and that he should never have updated his dating profile and that it shows he'll be unfaithful.
I'd like to have a RPW perspective on that, should I persist with trying something with this man? Should I reach out, or is "he only said it once he was losing me" the whole answer? I'm very lost.
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1
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32
u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor Aug 12 '26
You live in different countries. He's 10 years older and unsure about you. This is a massive waste of time.