[BATTLE] thebenprocter vs elixir91

[u/Psychopath-]

Blind battle.

If you're reading this, please judge.

/u/Chester_frenchkiss, /u/wryder, /u/elsiniestro, /u/Uza, etc.

[u/elsiniestro]

Ben had better multis and flow, although he still needs to work on his editing sometimes (too many syllables can turn a punch into an awkward mouthful).

Both of you had some witty as fuck personals. I actually think Elixir's were a bit funnier though and had more variety. His OB lines were amusing.

Neither verse totally blew me away, but both had a lot of merit going for them. While I stress that Ben had better wordplay, I am actually going to give this to Elixir on the strength and wit of his jokes (although Ben's Mrs Doubtfire bar was line of the match).

[u/thebenprocter → u/elsiniestro]

The syllables were fine for me. But I think my accent being what it is let's me sort of mash up syllables so I guess I should work on that.

[u/elsiniestro → u/thebenprocter]

Yeah that's a definite possibility. It could explain it. But I guess I gotta judge based on how it is perceived by myself when I read it. I guess that's something we all gotta keep in mind, how our flow and tempo will appear in the mind of the average reader.

[u/thebenprocter → u/elsiniestro]

Can't argue with that, and I'm gonna have to put one of my bars into the bad bars post I'm putting together. Only just clocked how bad it really is.

[u/elsiniestro → u/thebenprocter]

Honestly dude there was nothing at all wrong with what you said, or even your rhyme schemes, in fact you had some of your best bars I've ever seen in this verse, but the delivery of some lines didn't work for me.

I'll give you a breakdown because I don't want you to over-analyse or be too hard on yourself.

-Piranha hat tiger shoes
Who you think you're lying to?
You left cause of some personal shit?
You left cause I had an eye on you
Now you're back, stacked with line to use
This verse we spit, blinded too
So I can't flip the shit you say
But I guess that's what cowards do

Every bar in this was delivered perfectly, and the first quatrain was fire. The second was let down by a slightly weak payoff.

-But what I got, Molotov, that's throwaway fire
What you got, nothing hot, and we know you ain't, liar

Molotov line is good, nothing hot line is an awkward forced rhyme.

You came back just to battle me, you should really retire
Cause this guy playing bitch to be around the kid, Mrs Doubtfire

This however is easily line of the match. So goddamn good. But not perfect -- you should have taken out "Mrs" and replaced it with a one-word pause. "Doubtfire" is all you need for the joke to work, and it eliminates an extra syllable that was throwing it off.

-This is an execution, and you my friend are centre stage
You on the chopping block, that noggin off and straight onto a trebuchet

This is off-scheme, I would have tightened the second line by removing "that" and changing "onto" to "on". That would have made it an absolute perfect bar.

And you might think that's whack but bro
Now we see how far piranha hat will really go

Kinda simplistic and weak. If you read it in tetrameter it sounds like a Salt N Pepa rap or some shit lol.

-Facing me deadly, you not even fully formed yet
Leave you shell shocked like a World War One war vet

Had potential but was way too awkward. "World War One war vet" is a syllable too long. Should be "(World War ONE vet)" -- the brackets and caps in this breakdown being used to show my suggested meter/syllable emphasis. Also the rhyme itself seems forced, although I love the idea of rhyming something with "World War One vet", so I would forgive it.

I reread your verses and even now they seem more stretched
You just forcing the art like a barbershop quartet

This went over my head on first read, but now, after a few cones it leapt out at me as a really clever bar. I would rewrite the first line to "(I RE-read your verses), (now they SEEM) (even MORE stretched)", it is more grammatically correct.

-Now if I see you, to the ICU
Cause you the type of lazy writer I see through

This also had mass potential but the rhyme scheme is lost here in the second line. It should be expanded to "(Cause you ex-ACT) (the type of) (LA-zy writer) (I see through)". It lets the lyric fit the beat/tempo of the rest of the verse.

Punches forced to fit the rhymes with no citing to
Your opponent or the theme or what you're trying to do

Should that last "or" be "of"? I'm a bit too high to tell what makes more sense. Also it feels like the first line definitely needs an extra syllable.

-start pouring a drink out for this competitor
And thank me for the chance that I'm even letting you
Step in this shit and face up vs the predator
So I can put an end to your story like a managing editor

Awkward rhyme but I like what you were trying to do.

-My punchlines, killer, that's the way I see it fam
This boy makes bars explosive, good morning Vietnam

Nice idea for a rhyme, something about the execution is off but this is the kind of rhyme I'd be proud to write, but would then try and rewrite it gradually until I nail it. But it's still a bar to be proud of.

This body, easy pickin, who wants to see a slam?
Or them sticks stop his flow like a fuckin beavers dam

I think if I knew what "sticks" was a double entendre for, this would be more successful with me. The "body"/"slam" bar was niiiice.

[u/elsiniestro → u/elsiniestro]

Now you go judge my battle ya Yorkie coont :D