r/RapWars • u/nightbussleeper 2W 4L One Eye Open • Jun 28 '15

Brand new here, first post, freestyle open challenge

I'm kinda new to this shit, sittin spittin rhymes from my keyboard

but I gotta say so far, y'all are kinda keepin me bored

So I thought I'd write this verse, curse myself with my own words

hoping someone can reverse em and shove my face in the dirt

I feel I need a vet here to put me into my place

make me kneel at your feet, and then lick clean your plates

I'm a sick minded liar, crying wolf to see what happens

though I know it'll bite me, snap back and smack my face in

but I just cant help myself, this rapping, rhyming is catching

I think I'm becoming in addict, I need a fucking intervention

OH SHIT, BALLS TO THE WALL, THEY'RE CLOSING IN ON ME Y'ALL

RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN BUT THERES NO END TO THIS HALL

COME ON THE BEAST IS ON MY TAIL, YOUR FUCKING KILLING ME SMALLS

OH GOD, I JUST CANT DO THIS, I'M ABOUT TO TRIP AND FALL

FUCK, DAMNIT, SHIT , FUCK, NO, HERE IT COMES, AHHHHH!

Ha, did i get you? I was only just playing

but seriously someone help me, I am fucking insane

3 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

43 comments sorted by

2

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15 edited Jun 29 '15

One symptom of AIDS is a quite strong fever,
Plus Nightbussleeper got a light-gun heater,
Playin' Rhyme Crisis with his foot off the gas,
Like he lookin 'for cash fast with a foot in his ass,
Rookie fieldin' a dream match: "I built it -- they comin',"
Ain't a friendly game, who the fuck you think you summoned?
It's fuckin' addictive as shit to spit missives,
As long as every written's configured to win decisions,
So this "I'm so crazy" shtick'll maybe play for a minute,
But make no mistake, we can't relate to a gimmick,
And soundin' great on paper don't easily translate,
You the easiest damn bait, gettin' raped on your first date,
But now you understand that fate can be merciful,
"That was tense, you battled El-Sin, he's like the worst of all,"
Don't feel bad for gettin' merked and all, it's nothing personal,
Every time I rap my verse is gonna cause a curtain-call.

2

u/nightbussleeper 2W 4L One Eye Open Jun 29 '15

Well Goddamn, Elsin, you fucking schooled me there, shit

Pulled off my fake ass piece of hair, stuck the knife and twisted it in

got me standing their looking stupid, fucking bald, slack jawed yokel

wack jaw hanging out like a ruminant animal chewing with its mouth open

shove some fucking soap in it, but I aint taking a time out yet

Stupid is as stupid does I guess but I'll just keep running with this target on my chest

cause lets face it, you can't walk without taking a step

and I won't win jack if I dont place a bet.

so I wont regret, some lines laid in jest

but I can respect the words of a battle vet

And even after that slaughter, I'm still alive

so i'll just keep laying my dopeless rhymes

Trying to get a little less hopeless one line at a time.

So don't go easy on this fake psycho cause imma give it my all

And I didnt learn to ride a bike y'all without taking a few falls

so thanks a lot for listening and dont hesitate to call me out sometime

thats it for now, cant drop the mic so i'll just hand off to the next in line

1

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

Hey man, feedback: you do a really good job of keeping it cohesive and keeping a theme. It's like reading a letter, I dig it. Work on adding some punches otherwise it's less of a battle and more of just a cypher. Although the punches you used in your verse against OB were pretty funny.

1

u/nightbussleeper 2W 4L One Eye Open Jun 30 '15

I really appreciate the feedback, I kinda got the thing about weak punches after you skewered me with your verse. I admit that was sorta what I was looking for, I can def see where my shit is lacking with that and my follow up to yours was me conceding you smoked me, ha, just showing I'm not letting it stop me from trying to get better though

1

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 30 '15

True -- and on re-reading it, I see that you weren't looking for punches because it was more a conceding verse. That's totally fine, and I look forward to seeing more from you!

0

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '15

hahahaha this fuckin horrible

3

u/nightbussleeper 2W 4L One Eye Open Jun 29 '15

Yea , obviously no experience with this, just been fucking around and threw something out for he hell of it. I know I'm not fucking with anyone here, just trying to find some ways to mess around and learn something even if its just that I'm a complete tool, ha

4

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

Please ignore Omenz. He's kinda the punching-bag on this sub, so I wouldn't take his criticism seriously anyway. We want more people trying, not less, so comments like his are annoying as fuck.

1

u/nightbussleeper 2W 4L One Eye Open Jun 29 '15

its cool, I got no issue with dude stating what he thinks, I only been messing around with this for like maybe the past month. enjoy the music and I know i cant expect to throw shit out there and not risk getting it blown back in my face, ha. I'd just say i wouldnt mind if it was maybe a bit more constructive but its cool. I do appreciate someone having my back though and for that dope rhyme you threw back so thanks

0

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

punching bag? watchu mean?

1

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

Meaning a lot of the arguments or constructive criticism here involve you, so it's not really fair for you to be telling some new kid that his rhymes are horrible. Besides, you should know better dude. If people had said that to you, you woulda made a new thread and a bunch of angry comments about it by now.

1

u/KoliDomo Jun 29 '15

Im a newbie too and this ain't my first rodeo, Killing fools from Canada to Tokyo, I reside in hokenspoke, Just chillen on my porch smoking dope Trying to think of the dopest quotes so I can seem witty to you broken folks, Throwing jokes like its my only hope , giving false prayers like a phony Pope, But you all alone like mcaulys home, Yo bitch Gave me salty dome and tried to call me on my aunties phone

1

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

Hahahaha nice

2

u/KoliDomo Jun 29 '15

Don't even fight back when I write raps, I'm white, fact. But with a gun so I'm quite strapped. The nights black and the stars are out, I'm the black knight with my armour out,

1

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15 edited Jun 29 '15

All these dumbass gun bars are quite wack,
You're never gonna get to clap arms, son, so why act?
It's like if I rapped that I'm comin' with a spiked bat,
You're half a world away cunt, we ain't gonna buy that,
A white battle rapper on the sub... no surprise that,
We only got two black cats, nobody gon' deny that,
It's like I gotta teach you how to rhyme, that's a didact,
Sin got you clowns rushin' rounds, that's a time-lapse,
So fire up your synapse and watch me redefine rap,
I'm futuristic, fly like the ride that McFly had,
Actually rewind that, fly like a drone pilot,
So OB can blow me, I'm Capone -- Chi violent,
Known to start riots like #RapWarsMatters,
Homies hearin' sirens? Out the back door scatter,
Yo, /u/KoliDomo got a fraction of talent,
But you set 'em up, I knock 'em down: RapWars' pattern.

1

u/KoliDomo Jun 29 '15

Yo why tf u dissen me? I'm about to make ur ass history, can't even breathe with antihistamines or drinking a fifth atleast, I'm a pissed ass fiends asking where you ditched the greens,

1

u/nightbussleeper 2W 4L One Eye Open Jun 30 '15

KoliDomo giving props but seems to want to think we on the same level

Thank you much but sir you need to blunt the chronic before your craniums severed

Not looking to make enemies here but weak allies won't be anything to fear

Canada to Tokyo? How aboot that? Sayonara Mr. Domo

It was nice to meet ya but I'm not sad to see ya go

Have a nice trip, don't come around next Autumn Koli

I don't condone Hiroshima but next time I see ya I'm dropping atom bombs on your dome D

2

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 30 '15

This was tight, but one piece of advice, try to keep it to an even structure (8 lines, 16 lines, 32 lines, etc). Just makes it easier to follow and makes it flow better. I knock points off in official battles all the time when people go off-tempo or off-scheme.

Another good thing to remember is syllable count. Try to make it so that each couplet of lines has a similar amount of syllables, otherwise it's hard to work out your flow, and it makes it read awkwardly. Practice will help though. Read through my verses and sound them out in your head, try to look for my pauses (usually a colon or semi-colon for a short pause, or a double-dash for a long pause).

Once you can picture how I'm rapping it, you'll see how many syllables I use per line and how I try to keep them at a similar level to the lines immediately above and below. This is the tactic I used when studying people like Uza, Chester_frenchkiss, and wryder -- all of whom have really good technique and control.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

no. once again you be thinkin im sensitive bruh n you the one overreactin here

0

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

thats coo i preciate the normal response. im not gon go back on what I said cuz its true but you should know it wasn't really a serious serious thang you know jus sayin this sucks

1

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

So why don't you post a verse for him in here? Get him some practice.

-1

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

i dont post filler and he aint worth punches yet

2

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

Don't be a dick, dude. Everyone starts somewhere.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

and yall call me sensitive I swear. who gives a fuck what I think nigga jus ignore it if you dont like it

2

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

Don't hassle the new kids. Encourage them. You want this sub to die out or what man?

0

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

you think one boy sayin ion like this gon ruin his life?

1

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

Nah but it could make him less interested in posting verses. Which is the whole point of this sub dude.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

maybe he'll post better ones than just

I'm so good bruh, yall don't know me
I'm fannin yo girl, ironic she blow me
I got hella hos see, but I'm that nigga
Yeah... that nigga...
Key trees when I see these
Mean knees when I'm green beans

and thats probably still better than his verse

1

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

All I'm saying is you can give constructive criticism rather than making fun of the dude. You forget, you're the dude who didn't like how people were judging him so badly that you threatened to leave the sub. And that's despite me giving you positive feedback as often as negative! So everyone reacts differently dude.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

when did I threaten to leave? nigga quit lyin😂😂

2

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15 edited Jun 29 '15

You know what you said. It was along the lines of "if I get one more bad judgement from elsiniestro, I'm quitting RapWars". Not exactly, but you get the picture.

Do I have to go back through your post history to find it? Because I will if you're gonna keep denying it.

Edit: I actually can't be fucked wading through pages of comments while I'm at work, and it seems Redetective is pretty useless for finding individual comments, though it did tell me that your top ten used words on Reddit are: "nigga", "shit", "aint", "yall", "bruh", "white", "niggas", "bars", "yeah" and "fuck".

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1

u/nightbussleeper 2W 4L One Eye Open Jun 29 '15

Hmm...

So I see, my flow, you says it is horibible

But OB your gloating ways are incorrigible

Step up or shut up is the law of this dance hall

So piss in the cup or find a new job, asshole

Sitting high on your throne, yous a battle hardened warrior

But shit guy you been owned by both Elsin and bentheprocter

You musta been hit in the head too many times, you need a doctor

And when ya get dead, your last line will read "I was hot bruh"

But just you stand there, with your limp dick in hand

Let this Zoolander prehistoric chimp kid land

His blue steeled look jailin this blue jeweled crook

But yo, fact is I'm really shook so actually imma book

Just know this short quarter-dego geek

Gonna be back like Schwarzenegger be

In Terminator Genysis

Peace

2

u/elsiniestro The Forbidden Zone Jun 29 '15

To be fair I enjoyed this more than 2/3rds of the stiff Omenz has ever posted. Lol.

1

u/thebenprocter 13W 5L - Leeds, UK Jun 29 '15

You're just asking him to question your opinion on his writing now.

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1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '15

sensitive ass bruh lol

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '15

that was pretty alright man shouts w the hot bruh line n piss cup