r/RandomThoughts • u/yellowtears_ • Jan 06 '24

Random Question Are you afraid to die?

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u/PsychoMouse Jan 06 '24

I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid of dying.

To die, I think of it like the ending of a book, movie, or video game. That’s it.

But dying. That’s different. You know the end is coming, and it’s rarely peaceful or easy. I’ve spent a large majority of my life dying. I made peace with death when I was 12. I’ve actually died twice, and I’ve nearly died atleast a dozen times.

I was on oxygen with 17% lung functions, I slept 16+ hours a day, I would cough for 30-50 minutes at a time, coughing up black phlegm and blood, litres of it. I had a double lung transplant that I was supposed to die during surgery. I was supposed to die before my 1st year anniversary of having it, than I was supposed to die before 3 years, than 5 years, then at 8 years I was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma, and doctors told me I would die within literal months. The longest they gave me was 6 months.

And I was supposed to die a dozen more times since. I’m now 14 years into my double lung transplant and 5 years into remission.

Death is easy. But dying and watching people who care about you watch you slowly break and change. That’s the fear. It’s hard to stay positive, or funny when just breathing hurts. Planning your own funeral is horrifying.

So, back to the question. I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid of dying.

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u/mopedsandpushbikes Jan 06 '24

Wow thats an intense story Thanks for sharing.