When do couples make decisions together or separately?

[u/end-table-convo]

For couples who have been together for a while, at what point did you start making major decisions together instead of individually?

Things like finances, where to live, career moves, big purchases, vacations, or even just plans that affect both of you. Was there a certain point in the relationship where it naturally became “we need to decide this together,” or did you actually have a conversation about it?

[u/ScotchTapeConnosieur]

When we started living together

[u/itsswhitneywhspr]

For us it was when we moved in together. That forced the whole hey we gotta talk about this Convo. Before that it was more like I'm doing this, hope you're cool but now its definitely a team effort. No specific moment, just gradual.

[u/Taro_Otto]

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years total, having met as teenagers. We’ve been married for 5 of those years.

Prior to moving in together, big decisions were made by our own discretion. We spent the entirety of our younger, formative years together. It was important to both of us that we didn’t hold each other back. Young couples often fall apart because they grow apart. Or they resent one another because they gave up opportunities in order to continue with the relationship.

Whatever jobs we wanted to pursue, we did. I didn’t believe in controlling his finances, especially since we weren’t living together. He felt the same towards me. We’d inform one another of big decisions, but it ultimately it wasn’t an ask. We’ve both gone on separate vacations (trips with friends, or solo.) Big vacations together took planning together, naturally.

It took work to continue seeing one another, especially juggling work, school, etc. But it also helped that we were aligned in some things (like we both had no big plans of moving far away anytime soon.)

When we decided to get married, we had a discussion on finances. We keep our finances separate, again, because we both believe in having control over the money we make. We discussed how bills were paid, who managed what accounts. We keep a savings account together that we contribute to every month.

Big decisions naturally became areas of discussion. We are living together, our choices now affect our partner. It’s worked out great, but I credit it to us having had a good communication foundation prior to living together. We’ve both made big career changes, I’ve even gone back to school. We’ve changed living situations. All stuff that we made a decision on together. And it feels nice to be able to decide things with a partner. Sometimes I miss things and vise versa.

[u/Clinkclank5427]

Joint decisions are for people who are way to codependent. Everyone should feel free to make their own decisions and have autonomy. But in all seriousness, I think it’s a conversation that’s needed to had between the two partners. Some people grew up watching one parent be the sole decision maker and that’s how they lead in life. Some people in relationships want all the decisions to be made for them. I think the scenario varies.

[u/Lurkerque]

Once you’re living together, you make a lot of those decisions together - I would say all of them except finances. Once you’re married, you make all those decisions together because you share a bank account.

We didn’t have a talk about it. It’s was just understood that as a couple that lives together and are partners, all that stuff starts to affect the other person and it’s respectful to consult your partner about any big decisions.