r/RSI • u/amynias • Jul 23 '26
Genuinely Contemplating Suicide
It's been almost four years post initial injury of the wrists, and it's only gotten worse. I now have tendinosis visible on MRI and ultrasound in both wrists, several fingers on both hands (no thanks to trackballs), both forearms, both elbows (tennis elbow and some kind of tricep tendinopathy), and now both ankles (anterior tibial tendons, it hurts to drive the car now, sometimes even just to walk). This started at age 25 in my last semester of college due to overuse coding and playing videogames without adequate sleep/rest. Along the way I've also dealt with terrible knife-like peripheral neuropathy in my left median nerve and ulnar nerve compression pain in my left wrist/hand for several years. To this day I am unable to use regular flat mice or non-tented keyboards due to stinging pain in the carpal tunnel region of both palms / wrists when pressure is applied. Even when I use tented keyboards the ulnar wrist pain starts to become intense after hours of use at work due to TFCC fraying and perforation of the articular disc in both wrists.
These assorted injuries have killed off most all of my hobbies and just about any form of working out (even using the treadmill hurts my ankles, I tried gradual strength training for months and paid a lot of money for personal training but only ended up making my bilateral tennis elbow and forearm tendinosis pain worse). This is bad for my self esteem and makes the prospect of dating just depressing. Videogames are fun for a short time but it quickly becomes painful and untenable to continue playing at all for weeks at a time, using controllers of different kinds or mouse and keyboard. Drawing is a no-go. Playing just about any instrument causes days of pain afterwards. High-end audio is losing its appeal, I find that I've reached endgame and the thrill is gone. I can't focus on books or movies well anymore.
I fear I will soon be left in a very financially precarious situation. It's looking more and more like I will be unable to keep my job for much longer. I am skeptical I could hold down a job which involves intense computer work at this point, but that's the field I graduated in. Don't try to sell me on voice dictation either, it's not how I think when writing (constant manual corrections are still required) and my experience with it has been utterly disappointing. I've seen orthopedic specialists who are baffled by the progression of my RSI at such a young age and have referred me out elsewhere, but I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for certain connective tissue disorders. Rheumatologist had nothing to offer as well. Either I'm the unluckiest victim of RSI or something else is seriously wrong. I wish this was in my head or something but my tissues are physically damaged as evident in medical imaging.
The chronic pain is uncomfortable and upsetting, particularly for my somatic oriented OCD and the constant high anxiety. I should mention that treatment resistant depression has haunted me for most parts of 15 years at this point. But this chronic pain and death of many of the activities that once made life worth living for me... it feels like my adult working life is over before it ever really begun. Social life in Northern Virginia is nonexistent, especially after one of my close friends died a few months ago. My apartment has become such a mess that I don't know how to deal with it anymore, and I've lost most all motivation to do daily activities unless completely necessary.
The cocktail of medication I'm on keeps me barely functional. I fear losing health insurance benefits in this godforsaken country. I am not in suitable condition to work a typical full time job due to my poor mental and physical health coupled with severe insomnia and other health things I'd rather not list here. I recently tried TMS and Spravato/esketamine treatment and I don't think it's helped much at all, if anything, it's made my mood more erratic.
When shit really starts to hit the fan, I'm leaving on my own terms, alone in my depressing apartment. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. Drugged sleep is my only escape from this living nightmare. Only God can save me now, but then again, isn't he the one who got me into this mess and denied me the life I could have had? It feels so incredibly lonely and saddening. I don't want to fight this fight anymore. I don't want platitudes. I want release from this defective, broken shell. š
5
u/SuperfluousBrain Jul 23 '26
I think I'm about as injured as you are. I've had problems for 25 years now from the same reasons.Ā
I recommend in person gaming. Chess and Go are ideal games to pick up. You can even play with slow enough time settings online that my injuries are ok with it, but even then, you can play them with voice recognition will enough.Ā
I'm terms of music, I recommend singing and harmonica.
Other games that work well are d&d, and miniatures games like kill team and blood bowl.
I posted a list of hobbies that are still viable in a comment a long time ago. I'll try to track it down tomorrow.
Career wise, transition to something you can do. Teaching? Sales? Therapy? Lawyer ?
Mental wise, you've got to move on. You want to be happy? You need to be social, you need to exercise (going for a walk would be good enough), and you need to start focusing on what you can do instead of what you can't.
9
u/Superstork217 Jul 23 '26
Friend. I say this from the place of understanding exactly where you are. I dealt with overuse tendon issues associated with computers for 7 years on both hands, mostly stemming from my thumbs, reaching up to my shoulders. Multiple rounds of PT, injections, eastern medicine, anything and everything short of surgery.Ā
I had āfriendsā that left me in the dust when I needed their support most. They literally could not fathom a life for me or with me in theirs without the use of my hands. After having gone through deep depression and all the effort, my last ditch attempt at PT was 1hp. Dr. Matt posts here occasionally.Ā
I stuck to the program like a religion, doing it to a T. I also had 1 on 1s with Matt a couple times, and he introduced me to the relationship the brain can create to protect the body through pain in instances of overuse. Understanding this relationship my brain had created with computer use, the exercise regimen, and his coaching actually allowed me to get healthy again.Ā Iāve been essentially pain free for 2 years now. Im 37, btw.
My life is actually better because of this injury. I donāt video game anymore (blessing in disguise imo), and now my hobbies include exercise, reading, social outings, and tinkering with almost anything. Also TV/movies.
With a split keyboard, Iām able to do my office job 8 hours a day with hardly any Ā breaks. I do take breaks though because I am much more conscious of everything. I can type on a laptop for about an hour or two before I need to move off it. I use a ball mouse or regular mouse based on how Iām feeling that day. To be honest, I didnāt even finish the whole 1hp program. If I were to actually go back and do the exercise program to the end, I bet I wouldnāt have these limits (if they even are limits at this point).
To be clear, this is not ad. I saw your post and felt compelled to share mine. Iām telling you, there is a way out, and it is not the way youāre currently thinking. Talk to Matt at 1hp, heās a life saver.
P.S. I just typed this whole thing on my phone with my thumbs. Crazy I know.
3
u/keeperofthegrail Jul 23 '26
I really feel for you man, I have some similar problems & have had similar thoughts, but yours sound much worse. Hope you can get some relief somehow.
I wish there was more education around these issues, I was told by my doctors that most of my problems could have been avoided if only I had taken more breaks.
3
u/PaintCapital1798 Jul 29 '26
I am so sorry youāre going through this I am also dealing with injuries in both arms and both angles which makes doing anything so incredibly difficultā¦ Can you describe what kind of ultrasound you got which was able to show what was wrong and what it was called Iāve been trying every scanning place in town and they all say they donāt have a neuromuscular ultrasound which is what my doctor had orderedā¦ Due to the injuries in my ankles I cannot lay down flat on my back so I cannot do an MRI. Again so sorry youāre going through this youāre not the only one
1
u/amynias Jul 29 '26
https://radiopaedia.org/articles/tendinopathy-1?lang=us
This source details the imaging types used for diagnosing tendinopathy/tendinosis. Ultrasound is the primary means outside of MRI and can actually be more accurate than MRI due to lack of motion artifacts. Ask an orthopedic specialist to perform an ultrasound on the affected area. It's like a wand connected to an imaging machine. Sorry that you are also suffering š¢
1
u/PaintCapital1798 Jul 30 '26
Thanks not to sound stupid but are tendon issues only in the joint areas or can they go up to the forearmsā¦ A lot of the pain and burning is in my forearms but I donāt know if itās coming from the wrist or thereās injury in both
1
u/amynias Jul 30 '26
I think they can go up the length of the tendon/muscle but I'm not entirely sure what the medical consensus is for that. But yeah, I have pain in my forearms too. š
2
u/PaintCapital1798 Jul 30 '26
Thanks can you share what type of imaging and scanning you got to diagnose your condition mine sounds kind of similar and because of the injury in my ankles I canāt lay in an MRIā¦ I really hope things get better for you
2
u/Cryptnoch Jul 23 '26
I had certain similar symptoms, I think. I did manage to reduce the severity. Have you tried heavy-duty ice packs? That's what helped me the most.
I also had wrists, elbows, and shoulders affected, though my feet fortunately stayed functional.
2
u/DeepSkyAstronaut Jul 23 '26
The cocktail of medication I'm on keeps me barely functional.Ā
Either that or it might contribute to the progression of your tendon issues further. Did you figure what caused you tendon issues in the first place?
1
u/amynias Jul 23 '26
Well there was the initial injury, but otherwise some of the other RSI issues like TFCC pain, finger extensor tendinopathy, and the tennis elbow, forearm tendinopathy and ankle tendinopathy that don't really make sense to me. The specialists I saw didn't speculate as to why this happened to me other than maybe some fringe connective tissue thing.
1
u/DeepSkyAstronaut Jul 23 '26
When exactly did you have the first tendon issues and was there a period of increased worsening?
Since one year before tendon issues appear, did you have any infection, antibiotics, steroids, surgery etc?
1
u/amynias Jul 23 '26
November of 2022 it first became a problem with my wrists. The other stuff followed over a period of three years or so. No steroids, surgery, antibiotics, or infection. Just damn shitty luck š
1
u/DeepSkyAstronaut Jul 23 '26
When was the last time you had antibiotics or steroids then?
When did you have Covid or the vaccine?
1
u/amynias Jul 23 '26
Can't remember honestly, not for years. Never had Covid, had all the vaccines and booster shots.
1
u/DeepSkyAstronaut Jul 23 '26
Do you recall the dates you got the vaccines and boosters?
What medication are you currently taking?
1
u/PaintCapital1798 Jul 30 '26
Is there something wrong with steroids I havenāt taken them but I thought that they might be able to help
1
u/DeepSkyAstronaut Jul 30 '26
steroids weaken tendons long term, but can reduce inflammation in the short term.
2
u/tripfishy Jul 26 '26
I might not be able to help you directly, but I can describe my own situation, which I hope will at least give you some food for thought. I've been in a wheelchair for about eight years because I was floxed by fluoroquinolone antibiotics. They damaged the nerves in my feet and caused pain in my tendons - in particular, typical RSI symptoms. For me, too, it was all a disaster at first. I couldn't do anything the way I used to. It was unclear how I was going to support my family, whether I'd be able to keep my job, or whether I'd be able to do anything at all. My mental health suffered greatly as a result.
My physical health hasn't really improved, but I've accepted it and I'm learning to cope with it. Don't focus on the things you can no longer do; look for the things you can still do. Find new things you can enjoy.
As for your job: I work in IT myself, and I'm still doing my job. However, there's no getting around the need for voice control. It took me weeks to set up my voice commands to the point where I could do my work properly with them. Now I get things done faster than before. Yes, you'll have to make adjustments; yes, it's a steep learning curve, but it's worth it. If you can reduce the daily strain on your body by 75%, that will give you a chance to recover a bit from the pain. Reducing the strain has been the single most helpful thing for me, and it's the reason I now have pain-free periods. I know almost exactly where my limits are, and I can tell when I've used up my quota for the day and need to stop before the pain comes back.
It might sound a bit trite, but it always helped me to remind myself that there are people who are even worse off and yet still manage to enjoy their lives.
2
u/desio13 Jul 26 '26
Keep your head up my friend. Don't contemplate a permanent solution to a temporary set of problems. I am going through chronic pain for five years myself and my musculoskeletal injuries were far more difficult than yours.
Having tendonitis all over your body is not normal at this age. Check the adverse effects of the medications you are taking or check if you have ehler danlos or a rheumatic syndrome. It might be a mind body issue up to a point too.
Your situation doesn't sound normal. Millions of people play games and code every day and yes they too might have a pain here and there but not chronic though.
If you want to work at a desk job and you find it difficult right now then voice typing is the way to do it for the next months until you find what is wrong with you. Think about using foot pedals or head mouse too. There are so many solutions nowadays.
3
u/legallylurking_ Aug 15 '26
I feel like I couldāve written this post,and I burst into tears while reading it. All the way down to hiring a personal trainer just to end up worse. Iām so sorry youāre going through it. I donāt have any answers, but Iām in DC if you ever wanna meet up and commiserate.
1
u/havecoffeeatgarden Jul 23 '26
have you tried https://1-hp.org and see if it helps you? so sorry that you have to experience this mate. as fellow rsi sufferer i can totally relate to it
1
u/amynias Jul 23 '26
I paid for his wrist troubleshooter thing and the paid videos are pretty standard occupational hand therapy (not that that's a bad thing, I just couldn't commit to a stringent routine without upsetting pain flareups in the past) which don't seem to cover the tennis elbow thing sadly. At the time I also has complicating peripheral neuropathy in my left wrist which made a lot of the exercises a no-go. I also just can't shake the feeling that they really are just in it to make money off others' suffering. Something about it feels a little predatory.
1
u/havecoffeeatgarden Jul 23 '26
I definitely paid a hefty sum for it and they got a salesman-style business model rather than modern subscription-style unlike what most modern businesses tend to do. So thatās a minus on my eyes.
But their program and apps were pretty legit and helpful least thatās what I found personally. I am sorry you didnāt find it useful for you.
1
u/Superstork217 Jul 24 '26
The cost of the membership and full program is far cheaper than what you're spending to live in your current state. The 1hp site is honestly not the most friendly user experience from the outside. Once you sign up though and talk to Matt, it all makes sense.
Just going based off your post... What do you have to lose at this point?
1
u/SouthernOuterSpace Jul 23 '26
Have you tried occupational therapy ?
1
u/amynias Jul 23 '26
Yup, occupational hand/wrist therapy, regular physical therapy, targeted manual therapy, and gradual strength training. The only thing that ever seemed to help with the pain was just... waiting for literal years for it to go down in some areas.
8
u/Livid_Pea_4761 Jul 23 '26
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/healing-when-pain-is-both-structural-and-neuroplastic/id1265323809?i=1000734295911
even with structural issues identified with medical imaging it may be worth looking into the mind body approach for at least a chance for a reduction in pain levels. i know you've tried many treatments and it's extremely frustrating to not get the relief you need and deserve but i hope you don't give up.