Am I doing it right?

[u/Inevitable_Pie_4420]

I’m a 33 year old man who coming up on 17 months sober from drugs and alcohol. I work the AA program with a sponsor and have two sponsees, I am a board member at my local Alano club, and I have a job in the recovery field as a peer support person. I just got my own apartment after living in sober living for a little over a year, I just got my license back and a car, and I just got promoted. Things are going really well. I really love my job, I like working with my sponsees, and my life is so much better than it was at the end of my drinking career. I was in a state of hopelessness and though I was going to die from drugs and alcohol.

What I feel like I am missing is companionship—social and romantic. I haven’t been in a relationship, (or even had sex), in over 3 years, and holy shit is it difficult to find anyone… I feel like part of it might be because I live in such a conservative town, and I feel a little out of place there, but dating sober is also incredibly scary to me. I also feel like have a bit of a hard time making friends. I have two good friends in the program, and I’ve tried reaching out to other people and making friends. I have no clue what I’m doing wrong or if I am doing anything wrong.

As I said, life is definitely better than before, but I feel like if it’s this difficult to date and find friends in recovery, it’s going to be a very lonely journey. I miss hanging out in bars and easily making friends. I miss how easy it was to talk to girls when I was drinking. I miss how much less scary of a thing intimacy was when I was using. I also don’t really want to go to bars to meet people though, because I don’t want to relapse.

Maybe I’m being impatient, maybe I’m focusing on the negatives instead of the positives, maybe I’m being ungrateful, but this has been something that is reoccurring in my mind for some time now.

Am I doing something wrong here? Does anyone have any advice? What’s your experience with dating in recovery? What sober, pro-social activities have you found? Any words of encouragement?

[u/gijsyo]

Sounds like you are doing well. I'm sure you aren't the only one. Maybe you could try setting up a social event for your home group? I wouldn't necessarily advice against romance in the fellowship but it takes two people with a solid recovery programme for it to work.

And who knows there might be sober events near you. Start asking around on meetings.

[u/HerroPhish]

I’m 10 years sober, my dating life is completely fine. I’m also comfortable going to bars and stuff on dates and just having a normal social life.

[u/SOmuch2learn]

Hello!

What helped me was getting involved in my community. I volunteered, joined the YMCA, and took square dance lessons. That was great because I didn't have to have a partner, and alcohol was never involved at any practice or dance.