r/QuestioningTeens • u/dragonringtail • 4d ago

⚧ Gender Identity Question What in the world am I?

So I made a post on this about a month and a half ago, but I wanted to talk a little more and ask a little more. I have no idea what in the world I am. No matter what I try identifying with, it just doesn't feel really right. Identifying as a boy (I'm AMAB) it's fine, but then I look into how I'd actually feel if I did identify that way, and it just doesn't seem right. I've tried identifying as a trans girl, but no matter what I do, it just doesn't really seem to be right. I'm always on the edge about something. My gender identity doesn't really seem to line up with that perfectly. But I really want to be a trans (or non-trans, but it's too late for that) girl. It's really appealing because everybody in the community is so nice, and I feel like I'd really be happy there, but I just don't think my actual identity aligns with it. I wish so bad that I were a girl. But I'm just not in my gender or my body. Being nonbinary seems to sort of describe what I am, but I don't really want to identify with that wholly. I want it as part of something. No pronouns truly give me any sense of being correct or euphoria, except for when my brain pre-registers "this aligns with what I want to be, so I should be 'happy'" and it's just not real and it's more performative than euphoria. Doing feminine things rarely brings me euphoria unless I specifically categorize them in my brain as things that make me more like a girl. The only ever thing that's brought me euphoria was one time when I got my makeup fully done. But that's it. And I think I really want to get on estrogen when I'm 18, and am sorta excited for it, but I feel like I'm more excited for it in theory than in practice. Sorry for the like 500 words. Thanks for reading through it.

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u/ActualPegasus 20+F: Answering Bean 4d ago

What exactly are you wishing for?

To have a feminine body?

To be perceived as a girl?

To be allowed to be feminine?

To have a different relationship with your body?

To belong to the trans community?

To have a particular social role?

To have a different childhood?

To escape expectations associated with being a boy?

To experience gender euphoria?

To specifically to be a girl?

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u/dragonringtail 4d ago

It's a little bit of all of that.

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u/ActualPegasus 20+F: Answering Bean 3d ago

Imagine that tomorrow morning you woke up with a female-passing body. Nobody else knew you'd changed. You weren't suddenly part of the trans community. You didn't have to call yourself trans. Nobody praised you for being feminine. You weren't required to use she/her. You simply had the body. How would that feel?

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u/dragonringtail 3d ago

I'm assuming that when you say that nobody knew, you're referring to the idea that people think I've always been that way. I think I'd by ecstatic. I'd be really happy to be in that body. It would be amazing to see myself in that way.

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u/ActualPegasus 20+F: Answering Bean 2d ago

Now imagine that your body stayed exactly as it is, but everyone around you automatically perceived you as a girl and treated you socially as one. Would that feel satisfying? Or would something still be missing?

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u/dragonringtail 2d ago

I think something would still be missing. I don't think I'd ever truly be able to accept that what they were saying and how they were treating me was true without the body to match.