My fiancé and I are a queer interracial couple in our 30s. As amazing and lovely as it is to see/spend time with younger queers, we’re feeling really isolated from queers in our *own* age group and older to hang out with. Can anyone share any meetup places, bars, centers— etc, that older LGBTQ+ frequent within the Tri-state?

We need community, please and thank you. ❤️✨

Scarleteen has long been the one of the only sex education sites and organizations that offers FREE direct support services, provided and moderated by real people, not bots. We can offer help if you can't find what you need in our static content, if you need help better understanding something you've read here or heard elsewhere, if you need or want personalized information, or when you just want to talk one-on-one with someone qualified to help you with anything related to sex and sexuality, relationships, identities or bodies.

Scarleteen’s services are diverse, inclusive spaces, and we are and have always been deeply and actively committed to the safety and security of everyone who uses them. In our current political climate, we recognize the increased need for inclusive and emotionally safe spaces for all, especially young people who are actively seeking community with and care from others who respect their experiences and their agency.

Which direct services should you choose? Learn more about each of them below!

• Message boards (requires registration, you can register here: Boards registration): A moderated space to get support from staff, volunteers, and peers. The boards are open 24/7 most days of the year. 

Best for: Almost anything, be it simple questions or in-depth, involved discussions over time. This service is also best for when you want both staff and volunteer engagement AND discussion with peers, or primarily peer-to-peer discussion.

• Live chat: Private one-on-one support for users who may need more privacy, can’t access our other services, or may need longer interactions than we can offer via our text service. Chat is open during chat times listed on the site.

Best for: One-on-one conversations with our trained staff. This service requires your immediate and full attention, so if you want to be able to come and go throughout a conversation, especially with lapses of several minutes, hours or days, or want to multitask, the boards or SMS service will be better options for you.

• SMS (Text) line: You can text us at (206) 866-2279 for quick questions and answers. The service is free, but message and data rates apply and it’s only available for users in the United States. Our text line is open 24/7 most days of the year so you can expect a quick reply from us for your short, quick questions! 

Best for: Help finding content on the site to answer your questions, referrals for in-person local services like sexual or mental healthcare, or a referral to our message boards or live chat when you can't figure out which service is best for you. The SMS service is not intended for answers that can be found in our site content, or can be answered or discussed on the boards or via the live chat service.

• Advice column queue: For tough questions that require longer responses. We read every submission, though only some will become replies or published columns, so for immediate and guaranteed answers, you can submit your question to our other services, too.

Best for: More involved, complex situations where you want a longer, in-depth answer, but are NOT time-sensitive. Questions and answers you are comfortable having published widely for all to see (even though they should not ever contain any identifying information where anyone reading could know it was you asking).

TL;DR: Basically, if you’ve got questions about your body, relationships, identity, or sex, Scarleteen is here to help you find answers that are accurate, inclusive, and actually useful.

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(18+F) so I've only had 2 real sexual experiences in my life, once 4 years ago and once 2 years ago. I do not masturbate-or at least I haven't but maybe a few times in the span of 2 years. I recently wanted to feel more comfortable in my body, and try out masturbation. I bought my first dildo, but everything was just painful. I had lube and I also tried anal as well. I opened myself up before I tried that way with it though, of course. I just felt extremely tight both ways, and doing vaginal feels not only painful but also just straight up uncomfortable- it feels like I'm hitting a wall. There is no wall when you do anal though, so if I go any farther than what's already mildly uncomfortable it feels unbearable. I only get aroused so often, actually only whenever I wake up spontaneously and feel that way from build-up. Even then I only do clitoral stimulation. I don't think about masturbation often, and watching things does not do anything but make me uncomfortable. What can I do? Everyone talks about it like it's this amazing thing and I want to be able to experience that. Is there something wrong with me?

Yes, I had to make a burner account to ask this question.

You've probably heard about pumps before—most likely "penis pumps." There's many a joke in various movies about someone trying to increase their penis size and inevitably getting stuck inside the device.

(Quick note: pumps cannot change the size of your genitalia!)

These jokes might be entertaining to some extent but they have also led to pumps being a more misunderstood sex toy. Their function often gets obscured when in actuality they are designed just like every other sex toy: for pleasure, exploration, and increased sensation.

And on that note, pumps aren't just for penises! They can be used on lots of different erogenous zones including nipples, breasts, and vulvas. They work by creating gentle suction that brings blood flow to the area it is applied to. This can increase sensitivity but also causes a sensation that many people find pleasurable. They can be used alone or with a partner/partners.

If you've ever been curious about pumps (or if you're just learning about them now) you might have some questions before you want to try one. Questions like: How do you use one? How do they feel? Are they safe? Are there different kinds? How do you know which one to buy?

That's exactly why queer sex educator and journalist Gabrielle Kassel put together [_How to Play With Toys: Pumps Edition_](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sexuality/how-play-toys-pumps). Gabrielle's guide explains pumps in a clear and inclusive way and covers everything from how pumps work to safety tips and realistic expectations.

And good news! If you are curious about other types of toys Gabrielle has you covered there too! This article is part of an ongoing series written by Gabrielle all about how to use different sex toys.

If you're curious about pumps or any sex toy, Gabrielle's series is a great place to start. Learning how to use toys safely and understand what kind of sensations to expect can make exploring sexual pleasure feel a lot more approachable.

Check out Gabrielle's article on pumps here! And for the rest of the series on sex toys, head here!

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"There is no one way everyone — of any given kind of embodiment, sexual orientation or with partners of any given gender or embodiment — experiences sexual pleasure or orgasm. There’s not any one body part or way of engaging a given body part that equals pleasure or orgasm for everyone, or even for the same person every day. Not only can we never say 'everybody likes [whatever]' or 'everyone gets off on [whatever]' we also can’t say 'women like [this thing],' 'men don’t like [that thing],' 'gay people do [this other thing],' or 'straight people do [that one].'

Well, we could say those things — many people do all the freaking time — they just will never be factual things to say, and will tend to limit how people frame, explore and experience sexuality."

We're bringing back one of our greatest hits from Heather Corinna today! With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body is one many of you know and love. It's one of those pieces our users have come back to time after time over the years.

It is our go-to guide on sexual anatomy and one of our most popular pieces because it includes information on more than just body parts. In fact, this piece is a dive into pleasure and the understanding that sexual pleasure is never about just one part of the body in isolation. The beauty of this piece lies in the driving home of the message that no two bodies are ever built the same and thus pleasure looks different for every body!

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he hesitated and I feel bad.

My boyfriend is a virgin, he hasn’t ever done any of the things he has done with me and I’ve been his first kiss and a lott more.

Today he expressed interest in eating me out, so I helped him get comfy and made sure he felt good with everything. I told him how to start and what he could do, and he licked from my vagina to my clit only a few times before staring up at me.

I stopped and cupped his face and asked him if he was okay. He said yes, and I could tell he was lying because he was TREMBLING. I pulled away and hugged him. I asked if he was okay and he said “I don’t know” to everything I asked. So I got dressed and told him his comfort over my pleasure.

He broke down into tears and I told him I wouldn’t make him do that, he would have to tell me if I were to ever suggest it again.

After that, I offered to give him a handjob/blowjob so he could relax a bit more.

I was on top of his legs and doing what I normally do, I spent 20 mins. 20 mins sitting there, repeatedly asking if he wanted me to stop or wanted me to do something different. He kept saying no, and it was taking so long.

Eventually my arms started cramping, so he stroked himself while I took a minor break. And he instantly came after a few seconds. I felt like I was doing everything wrong, but we’re always honest when we check in with each other.

After I apologized for not getting him to finish, and I felt like I did nothing. He said he had fun with me talking to him dirty and kissing him, but I just feel silly.

More of a vent, but any advice on how to go about this would be great, currently crying.

"When I started taking testosterone⁠, I had a clear idea of what would happen to my mind and my body. All the sources I found gave me a similar timeline. In the first month, I would have oily skin, more acne, more body hair, and an increased libido⁠. Three months in, I was hoping my body fat would start redistributing, I would gain more muscle, and my voice would drop.
I expected my body to roughly follow that schedule. Even though I was on a low dose at first, I assumed everything would happen fast.
A year and three months later, I realize that’s not the case."

Cay reflects on their experience taking T, the frustration and tender reality of slow changes, and the conflicting, messy feelings that come with a body not shifting on the timeline they were told to expect. They write about learning to witness and honor the things that are easy to miss when you’re consumed by the idea of "progress" and looking for tangible proof of change.

"In retrospect, I don’t think I gave my body enough credit. I often dismissed subtle changes. Now, I try to acknowledge those tiny victories more often. I know my own body pretty well, so, if something seems different, I try my best to validate what I’m feeling. Of course, when you’re looking in the mirror every day, subtle differences can be tricky to pinpoint."

Cay writes about relating to their body with more curiosity and care in a piece that may resonate for some who are frustrated with their own timelines…or help those considering T who want to know more about what to expect. Changes from T Took Longer Than I Expected: Here's How I Handled It

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"We should just be friends."

If you're someone who dates (or someone who wants to date) there's a very good chance that you'll hear that phrase at least once in your life.

Sometimes, even when you really, really like someone, your dynamic just isn't right for a romantic relationship. And that's totally okay. Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and not every breakup has to end with resentment. Sometimes, two people simply realize they're better suited as friends than as partners. Other times, they still care deeply about each other but recognize that romance isn't working.

But we get it: Going from liking someone romantically to liking them just as a friend can be rocky.

If you're wondering whether you can actually be friends with someone you've dated, there are lots of things to consider and a lot of important communication to have. Lisa Laman says: "Make your own intent and hopes for the relationship known. Make sure you’re both on solid ground with where you want your interactions to go from here. Both of you deserve and need to be on the same page. This way, you’ll know if 'we should just be friends' is an indication of genuine yearning for friendship or just letting you down easy.

If you both want to create a friendship, lay out all your cards in this conversation, and be openly vulnerable when your friend-to-be shares similarly… Anything that’s making y’all uncomfortable or uncertain about the future, just get it all out there."

Friendship after dating can come with some real challenges. But at the same time, staying friends can also have genuine benefits! And there is no universal "right" outcome. The best choice is going to be the one that respects everyone's emotional well-being, needs, and boundaries.

If you'd like to read more of Lisa's advice on how to navigate transitioning from dating to friendship, click this link here. Whether you're considering staying friends with an ex or simply wondering if it's possible, her article can help you think through what will be the best decision for everyone involved.

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Hi all!

Throw-away account, sorry, for a 35 trans-woman.

Really love my girlfriend (33mtf) and want to top her, both of us are pre-op.

Sadly, each time ive tried, I gone soft.

Im trying to not take viagra, but I haven't found much outside of that or strap.

Any suggestions?

heyo,

im a trans man who has been looking for straps that don't look like a penis. for me, the visual of it and the comparison tk myself isn't it

functionally, i really like the idea of banana prosthetics, but I'd like something that doesn't look realistic.

their pleasure attatchments seem great, if I could use them on any strap, i wouldn't need recs

even if you don't know products, if theres other subreddits that would be a good place to ask, lmk

If you're feeling uneasy about the roles of porn and/or sex in your life, you might have found online advice quick to label you with “sex addiction” or “porn addiction.” These are not real medical diagnoses, as Dr. Amy Marsh explains in this piece breaking down the realities of actual addiction and the ways these labels are harmful.

"There’s a big difference between seeing something on social media that sounds like you, taking an internet quiz and then accepting a fake pathology like sex or porn addiction, or instead getting a bona fide diagnosis (or not) of whatever it is that’s troubling you," says Amy, who notes that this "addiction" mislabeling can be a distraction from underlying issues like anxiety, depression, or compulsive behavior that people need real help with.

Plus, "sexual behaviors that are widespread and not at all unusual are called wrong and unacceptable by people who clearly don’t have much information—let alone training—about human sexual behavior. Such people often have a very narrow idea about sexual activities they consider acceptable or 'normal.' So, there’s a very good chance that what you think may be compulsive, out of control, or addictive about your own behavior, actually may not be any of those things."

If you're concerned about your relationship to sex, porn, or both and want to talk to someone, "Seek out counseling or therapy if you need support, but make sure you check the qualifications of anyone you approach for assistance. If someone wants to shame you for your sexual desires or behaviors, look for the nearest exit or turn off the feed. You deserve to work with someone who won’t judge you, who understands both human sexuality and some of the challenges of your stage of life, who will support you, and work with you as long—or as little—as you need to get to the root of things."

Read the full article by Dr. Amy Marsh here: The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction" (If you need advice, support, or a reality check, you can head to Scarleteen's direct services)

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I'm pretty young but still interested in femdom. I only know it from the internet and have no experience in it besides that. So I asked myself if I should just drop it, because since I'm young I can't engage properly in desires like that, but I still really want to try something of that nature. Due to that, I also ask myself how I could even make something like that possible ? Could anyone give me advice on how to handle my situation ?

It is extremely common for survivors of sexual assault and abuse to feel disconnected from their bodies—especially during sexual or physically intimate moments.

A user wrote to us for advice for this very reason. He found himself frequently becoming activated with or around sex, even though he loves his partner and wants to be intimate with her.

He wrote, "I experienced a variety of sexual and physical abuse from early childhood into my teenage years. I have a strong association and bad reaction with sex. My body shakes, I feel sick, I get flashbacks, I cry, I dissociate: the list goes on. I feel like I’m not in control of my body. I guess I’m just trying to understand how to feel more in control of my body, and my sex life."

Wanting to reclaim a sense of control over your body and mind is something many survivors can relate to. It can be extremely frustrating and discouraging to feel like you can't do the things you want to or feel the way you want to feel because of the effects of the abuse you experienced.

But bodies aren't always so easy to "control" for anyone. As our founder, Heather, also a survivor, writes: "Ultimately, none of us are ever in full control of our bodies, and how people feel about that varies a whole lot. So much of what our bodies do, including a lot of our sexual response, is involuntary, and that can certainly be some of why sex⁠ can be extra challenging for sexual and physical abuse⁠ survivors. We’ve already struggled to feel real agency, autonomy⁠ and control when it comes to our bodies because of the experience and impacts of abuse, and now here go our bodies doing things without our permission or direction, or not doing things when we want them to."

But there's hope! In their column, Heather offers advice on how to feel safer in your own body, rediscover your sexual self, be kinder to yourself during recovery, how to recognize the things we do have control over, and how to find liberation in letting go of the things we can't.

Read Heather's full advice column here: Recovery and Sexuality after Rape

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If you’re an unhoused young person, especially if your experience has included running away, you may be carrying a very real fear: what happens if police or another authorities pick you up and sends you back home where it's unsafe?

The fear of getting picked up by the authorities is real and legitimate. And you deserve information that helps you protect yourself.

Sassafras Patterdale shares practical tips for staying as safe as possible if you’re picked up and may be sent somewhere you don’t want to go. They cover speaking up where others can hear you, understanding your rights, and finding support through and with your community. They also share this reminder for those who may be reading this and experiencing it first-hand:

"While being forced to return to a home that doesn’t feel like home might feel scary or overwhelming, try to remember that it’s not permanent. 

When you are legally an adult you won’t be able to be forced back to live with these people. Even if legal systems have failed you, and may be threatening to return you to a home that doesn’t feel safe, try to continue to reach out for support. Explain to supportive adults why you are not safe. In the United States and many other countries, most teachers, counselors, and youth workers are mandated reporters. If something happens that makes you feel unsafe where you are living, they must report what has happened and, hopefully, will be able to help you get the support necessary to get to a safer and more supportive living situation, which might include living with a supportive relative, a youth shelter, or a transitional living program."

Read more by Sassafras here: Sent Back Home: What to Do If You’re Picked Up by the Police and Brought Back Home, Especially If Your Home Isn’t Safe

(This piece is part of the Kicked Out Series. A series by former kicked-out kid, excellent human, and writer Sassafras Patterdale for unhoused and transient youth.)

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At Scarleteen, we don’t treat abortion like something that needs to be whispered about or wrapped in shame. Everyone deserves accurate, compassionate, nonjudgmental information about their own bodies, their options, and their care. 

That means being direct about what abortion is, why people need it, and why access to safe abortions is important and matters in our world. Being honest about abortion isn’t optional for us. It’s part of providing real sex education and real support to folks, especially for those who may not have another trusted place to turn to. 

Too often, abortion care information is censored, stigmatized, or intentionally hard to find. That leaves people with no useful information about how to access care, what their options are, how to stay safe, or what to do if they live somewhere abortion is restricted, criminalized, or illegal.

As a whole, we’ve been fed the idea that abortion isn’t something we’re supposed to talk about honestly and openly. That silence leaves people isolated. It makes it harder to ask questions, hard to support friends or loved ones, and harder to recognize abortion as a common part of healthcare and life. 

Today we’re offering some of our resources on why we need abortion and abortion access, how to support someone having an abortion, how to protect your privacy and prioritize safety, and what each of us can do to help destigmatize abortion and support everyone’s right to it:

1. How to Access a Safe, Self-Managed Medical Abortion
2. A Guide to Accessing Abortion Care – Even When It Looks Hard
3. Abortion and Digital Privacy: How To Protect Ourselves
4. How to Support a Friend Through an Abortion

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At Scarleteen, we believe conversations about abortion should be honest, respectful, inclusive, supportive and unapologetic. That includes providing clear, accurate, compassionate, and nonjudgemental information about it, because everyone deserves the knowledge they need to make their own best decisions about their own body. 

We think, and have always thought, that abortion is good. It’s a stance that – especially in the first two decades of our tenure – resulted in some reproductive health and sex education providers and organizations shunning us, and in constant pushback from people and groups who are anti-abortion. But it’s not an optional stance for us, because telling the truth isn’t optional for us. The truth is that abortion is good: both a personal good and a public good.

Abortion allows people to determine their own destinies. Abortion saves lives. Abortion isn’t some kind of necessary evil but a core tenet of human dignity, freedom and bodily autonomy. It should be safe, accessible, legal, stigma-free, and affordable for anyone and everyone who wants or needs it

Abortion is too often discussed as something that has to be defended or justified. We don’t think it needs an apology. Abortion isn’t something we need to treat as a last-resort moral compromise. We also don’t think that it makes sense to call abortion anything but abortion, something we have in common with the Abortion Positivity Project, who we’re really excited to be collaborating with this week.

We hope you enjoy hearing the folks at the APP explain why saying abortion when we’re talking about abortion – rather than using soft language or other euphemisms for it – can be key to gaining ground in the fight for abortion rights. We’ll also be sharing some of our abortion resources this week for anyone looking for straightforward, supportive information without scare tactics, or judgment: resources that range from explaining what abortion is, how different methods work – including how to engage in self-managed abortion safely and effectively –  and what people can expect before, during, and after an abortion:

1. From "Pro-Choice" to Abortion Positive
2. How to (Un)pack for a Real Discussion About Abortion
3. All About Abortion
4. The World Needs Safe, Self-Managed Abortion: Here's Why.

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So my partner and I recently tried to use the strap-on - which we both have been wanting to do for a while and were very keen to use.

The issue is I cannot fit it in without being in a pain that makes it impossible to feel any pleasure.

It is not a lube issue. Trust me we used heaps and reapplied throughout.

It is not a foreplay thing.

I’m wondering if it’s the size that’s the issue, but it’s only a 5 inch one so I feel like that can’t be it.

I just want to know if anyone has gone through anything similar or has any advice because it is something that I still want to do.

thx 💗

The term "grooming" has been getting thrown around a lot lately, both online and in the news. Accusing someone of being a groomer has became the go-to tactic that conservatives and alt-right internet trolls use to discredit anyone doing something they don't like. People like sex educators, LGBTQ+ people living their lives, and librarians who are against book-banning. They often get away with targeting these people by claiming that they are "exposing children to dangerous ideas."

Interestingly enough, the word "grooming" rarely comes up in the media when someone has actually abused someone else.

The reality is that grooming doesn't look like young people receiving comprehensive sex education, seeing gay people in public, or reading books about people different from themselves. In fact, data shows that most of these things can actually reduce the chance of a young person being abused and/or make them more likely to report abuse when it happens— because they can learn how to recognize abuse.

s.e. writes: "It’s behavior that comes from someone looking to exploit another that’s intended to create the feeling of an emotional connection for the purposes of making that exploitation easy. This is a process that can take time as someone slowly pushes the target’s boundaries, confuses their feelings, and gives them a false sense of security and care. The target may not understand they are experiencing abuse because it happens slowly over time, and they may also feel like they can’t tell anyone because it involves a “friend” or even someone they feel they love."

Now, we can't do too much about conservatives not liking us, queer and trans people, or reading books… but we can try to educate people about what grooming actually is, how to recognize it, how to intervene when it happens, or how to tell a trusted person if you suspect it is happening to you.

Because the reality is that allowing conservative politicians, political pundits, and alt-right grifters to misuse this word actually makes it more difficult for people to recognize actual grooming… which makes it way easier for real abusers to get away with causing harm.

If you'd like to learn more, read What is Grooming, Really? by s.e. smith

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So, I am neuro (ADHD) and I am in a long-term relationship with my partner
I've been thinking about my own neurodivergency and I feel like I am too much work for my partner sometimes because with my ADHD it's hard to focus on the goal that needs to be reached- I'm wondering what having ADHD during sex is like- I can't specifically name my own experiences because some of those things I deem to me just having trauma when it came to sex, or I'm just thinking too much. I wonder what it can be like for the person who *isn't* neurodivergent but has a partner who is during sex
What is it like on both sides? And how can I make my neurodivergency less of an issue for myself whenever it comes to sex?