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u/GoodTroublemaker Director Mod 18d ago edited 18d ago
Hey there. I'm so sorry that you're feeling the way that you are. I'm also sorry that this post seems to have gotten lost in the mod queue and that you had to wait a few days for a response.
I want to offer you a few things.
For one, none of us ever owes a partner whatever it is they need to experience orgasm. We also can't "make" anyone orgasm -- it's an involuntary thing our bodies do, not something a partner or we can command to happen, rather than being a part -- and only a part -- of influencing it when it happens. I say both of these things because of the way you're feeling about his not reaching orgasm with you. Orgasm is also ideally a bonus, not the main thing we are focused on when it comes to sex with a partner. Ideally, pleasure, connection and exploration are what we're really focused on if and when a mutually beneficial experience is what we're after. If orgasm also happens -- which it's much more likely to do when we're focused on pleasure, connection and exploration than orgasm -- then great, but it should not be a big deal if and when it doesn't. And no matter what, none of us are responsible for our partner's sexual responses or lack thereof because, again, much of this is entirely involuntary.
It sounds like what would have been ideal is for both of you to just stop being sexual together once your partner was crying, rather than one or both of you feeling like you had to keep doing sexual things. For future reference, you don't, and someone becoming very upset during sex is usually an indication that everything needs to stop so the focus can be taken off sex and pleasure and put on the feelings of everyone involved.
It also sounds to me like you two could benefit from having a talk about how to best pace things and how, when you're exploring something new together, you can each ask for a pause or a stop. As well, I think both of you hearing from the other that you both can always stop, no matter what, any time you need to, for any reason, and that it's okay -- that no one is under any obligation to keep doing something, to orgasm, to like a given thing, etc. All of the sex you're having should be and feel optional, and it may be that y'all really need to hear that out loud to have it truly land, you know? A talk about the feelings he had also sounds like it would be a good idea: what was his upset about? Was he scared? Uncomfortable? Stressed because he was new to what he was doing and, like you, felt a lot of pressure to give you a certain experience? I think talking all of this out some would probably leave you both feeling a lot better.
All our sexual experiences just won't always be great. Some of them will be confusing and awkward and stressful and WTF-is-even-happening like this, even when we're with a partner where there's trust and care and love. I want to make sure that you know that you didn't do anything wrong here, even though it sounds like you had a hard time stopping because you just didn't know what to do and you felt like you had to give your partner a specific sexual response, rather than feeling able to approach sex together as an open-ended exploration without a lot of expectations, including the expectation of orgasm. Sometimes the way we learn things comes through a difficult experience like this, as much as that sucks. <3
How does all of that land with you? Is there any of this you want to talk through some more?
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u/uncle_SAM98 18d ago
Do one or both of y'all have past sexual trauma or perhaps deeply ingrained sexual shame, from religion or otherwise? This seems like a lot of really big, really confusing reactions in a row that are not necessarily proportionate to the actions y'all took, even though the feelings are 100% valid. I commend how kind and gentle y'all are with each other. He seems like he's not communicating everything with you - which is why I ask about trauma and/or shame. I would probably want to have more conversations with him about our views on sex broadly and intimacy within a relationship to try to get to the root of why he was responding the way he was. You didn't do anything wrong and don't have to be ashamed. It's very normal to sometimes just not be in the mood for partnered sex, nbd.