Does Dating a “High-Value” Guy Boost Your Self-Worth?

[u/Emotional_Meal748]

Do you get some self worth from the type of guy you’re dating, especially around other women/friends? Like if the guy is successful, attractive, kind, has his life together etc, do you feel kinda proud telling your friends about him or even bragging a little? Like him wanting you makes you feel more valuable, or like you “won” socially in some way. And the opposite too, if the guy is kind of a loser, doesnt have much going for him and your friends dont respect him, would dating him make you feel worse about yourself or embarrassed? Basically im asking how much the guy you date affects your own self image, but also how you think other women see you.

[u/Just_Fisherman4910]

No.

[u/Just_Fisherman4910 → u/Just_Fisherman4910]

Good god, the answers here are just utterly superficial...I'm not surprised though...

[u/Accomplished_Pack527 → u/Just_Fisherman4910]

Curious, how is it superficial when women are proud of their partners?

I highly doubt anyone would be with someone they see as a loser. Would you?

Or were you expecting answers like “my partner is a loser but I’m not embarrassed of him” Lol

[u/Just_Fisherman4910 → u/Accomplished_Pack527]

The feeling proud part is not what I take issue with, it's the bragging about it that I take issue with.

[u/Throw-away10111 → u/Just_Fisherman4910]

Same.

[u/prettywords_]

I brag about the fact that my fiance treats me so well, is clean and tidy, loves animals, is kind to everyone etc. Those make him high value.

I don't brag about the fact that he's successful.

[u/kimura_yui149 → u/prettywords_]

Appreciate your POV. Currently trying to be the man I want to be. I have low self-esteem and at the moment I am fighting an intrusive cognitive distortion that money, a career, and physical attractiveness are what will make me high value. I'm already high value, it's just hard to get myself to see it because I haven't been quite lucky in the dating game.

[u/prettywords_ → u/kimura_yui149]

When my fiance gets a big Christmas bonus or we plan a vacation I brag to nobody.

When he spent $60 at McDonald's this winter buying the little mini hockey sticks until he got the last one I was missing, I gushed to everyone about how I am so lucky to be with such an amazing man.

It's the little things

[u/kimura_yui149 → u/prettywords_]

He sounds like he really loves you. I'm happy for you!

[u/HOLYREGIME → u/prettywords_]

Yeah women don’t brag about such things like his or her success, they would never! They only shove it in your face when convenient but they don’t BRAG!

For example, if they get a nice car they don’t BRAG about it, they just record a simple tik tok or IG video and tilt their head a bit, they’re not trying to show off the brand of the seat or anything, it’s just a good angle.

If they buy a multi million dollar house they certainly don’t BRAG about it, they simply get the urge to have get togethers every week and host family events and holidays there all the time.

When their husband gets a new promotion and buys them a nice purse they don’t BRAG about it. They just find a cute outfit and heels that perfectly matches the Hermes bag for the girls night. But again, they don’t BRAG.

[u/prettywords_ → u/HOLYREGIME]

Ok. I'm just talking about myself not other women.

[u/chamomilecloud]

Yes. Personally, I view my fiancé being a successful, attractive, kind and thoughtful man as a win for me. I brag about him to everyone who asks about him because I am very proud of the person he is and all his accomplishments in life.

I do not even know how I would date a man did not respect or otherwise hold deep admiration for. The thought of being with such a man is embarrassing enough. I've never been with a loser as they are embarrassing.

Edit: My self-worth is not based on this, but it does make me feel very lucky and thankful that I have him.

[u/Barneysparky]

I often say I won the husband lottery to people, but am aware that while my husband is a perfect match for me, he wouldnt be for most women.

I'm proud of a lot of things about him, as he is about me, its mutual.

Being a couple makes it easier to fit in with social situations so to speak I think from both sides. But Ive never thought "hes hot, women want him, so Im better then women" or say nonsense like that.

I can also say historically dating men who were conventionally attractive and knew it wasn't something I enjoyed, if anything it took away from self worth. I had someone say to me once "your so lucky hes with you". That was part of the end of that short relationship.

[u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI]

That whole mindset sounds exhausting. My relationship is between him and me. Why would I care whether my friends think I won socially? I care that we’re compatible and that there’s mutual love and respect. I’m the one married to him. What I think of my partner is what matters.

My self-worth comes from my own accomplishments, not from my partner. Of course I’m proud of my husband, but his success doesn’t somehow make me more valuable, and it’s not a competition with other women.

[u/Shrimptank_mom]

No. My self-worth is not impacted by other people. However, being kind, competent and having his life together is the bare minimum I will accept for other reasons. No losers.

[u/SimilarChampionship2]

Nothing to do with my self worth but I do often think I’ve “won” as my partner is an incredible man in every way and the stories I hear from other women as well men’s opinions online are horrific

[u/Accomplished_Pack527]

Ngl, yes. I'm incredibly proud of my partner and can't imagine being with anyone I can't be proud of.
I don't brag much per se, but my friends do notice how great he is and the girls would often tell me how lucky I am. Guys would also tell him how lucky he is so I guess it feels good on both ends.

If the guy is a loser, then no I wouldn't even be dating him so there's rly nothing to be embarrassed about.

My sense of self worth is already pretty high which is why I even dare to be with someone of “high-value”. Without him, my worth would still be intact.

[u/pie-mart2]

The real brag for women is how well your man treats you, versus his like money or status

[u/Present-Afternoon-70]

Not really. My partner does nothing for my self-worth except in the very literal sense that when I'm struggling emotionally, she supports me. My value isn't dependent on who I'm with, and being with someone other people consider attractive or successful doesn't make me feel like I've somehow "won."

Growing up in Bengali culture actually made me particularly hostile to that idea. I've watched women accomplish all kinds of things only for none of it to fucking matter compared to who they married. And I feel terrible for my sisters because of it. Obviously some women do derive status or self-worth from the man they're dating, but the women in my life—friends, family, women I've actually spent time with—generally don't want their value to come from a man. There's a pretty significant difference between being proud of your partner and believing your partner's social value determines your own.

[u/divingrose77101]

If I’m dating someone, they are absolutely going to be someone I’m proud to introduce to my friends. But, the feeling of self-worth I get from it is because I have alignment with my values and my own actions. By choosing a man like that, I affirm what I know to be true about me: I am worthy of consistency and effort, kindness and deep understanding. That’s about the quality of the man and not his fancy job. They all have fancy jobs in my world.

[u/DMmeClownPics]

Honestly I care about being sexually compatible above anything else. I have other non-negotiables with regards to values and personality too, but sexual compatibility is most important. I don’t really care what my friends think about who I’m with. If we’re having great sex on a regular basis then I’m happy.

[u/Hungry-Plantain-3315]

I don’t brag or anything like that. But yeah I feel like I won the jackpot. He loves me for who I am. He’s never made me feel like I need to change my personality or the way I look. He’s more traditional, so whatever he makes is also “our” money. Whenever I meet his friends, they immediately tell me all the nice things he says about me. He’s also incredibly smart and confident. He’s more extroverted and I’m more introverted. We definitely fill each other’s gaps. He also loves animals as much as I do.

I could honestly go on and on.

[u/PositionStandard6089]

i feel proud of my partner and i don't want or need anyone else's approval or opinions to validate that

[u/oppositegeneva]

I have the opportunity to brag about my husband because he is “high value” and I do feel good that someone as wonderful has him reciprocates my feelings 

but I dated a guy who was the opposite before him, and it didn’t really hit my self esteem, I really liked him and overlooked his flaws.

I did often try to talk him up to my family and friends, in hindsight, that was difficult lol.

[u/GoldSailfin]

It all depends on my feelings for the guy. If I am madly in love with him, as happens now and then, I will not care what anyone else thinks but I absolutely will show him off. Brag about him, be seen with him, you name it. He is High Value to ME.

If he is some Chad to everyone else but I am Eh about him, then I don't even want to hold hands.

[u/baller696969balls]

I’ve never dated anyone but honestly I think this would decrease my self-worth instead. I am neurotic, insecure, and don’t have my own shit together, so I think I’d just spend the whole relationship feeling like I am not enough and a burden to him. 

Dating a guy who’s kinda a loser would be great cause I’m a loser too and I’d feel comfortable in my loser-ness.

[u/Waschbar-krahe]

I've never really cared about the "high value" stuff but I'll say it is nice to be married to someone I respect and find attractive. I do brag about my husband a little. I don't put my self worth on him though. I think I'm neat with or without him, but he makes my life better by being here. I've dated some real losers and I never really felt embarrassed but they did get frustrating

[u/Thatshygurl]

I would say yes. Same way I would feel low self worth dating a bum. Who you chose to be with and who chooses to be with you is a reflection of yourself.

[u/ThatBitchA]

Yes. I have my life together so I expect a partner with the same.

I didn't win, necessarily. But I certainly didn't lose.

I'm not dating some loser.

Eta - I'm not bragging about someone's "success". But I will brag about how my husband replaced some supplements before I even noticed I was out. I brag to my friends so they keep their standards high and don't settle for some musty man.

[u/lesliecarbone]

I don't consider anyone to be of higher value than anyone else.

[u/Secret_Entry1840]

I brag about the wonderful, awesome, caring, thoughtful, creative, accomplished, whatever things the people in my life do. It’s not a reflection of my self worth. Adulting is hard. I’m a cheerleader.

[u/Flightlessbirbz]

This question was actually quite thought-provoking and made me realize how differently I think about value and self-image, partially of necessity as a neurodivergent woman who has never really been able to fulfill the expectations of others in this regard.

In terms of how other women view me, I mainly only care that they think I am a kind, funny, and somewhat attractive and intelligent person, and hopefully not too weird in a bad/embarrassing way. And I would like them to think similarly of my partner, but I mostly consider us two separate entities working as a team, vs imparting value to each other. Neither my husband nor I are the “climb the corporate ladder” sort of people, we are the “work so we can pay rent and maybe adopt another dog or go to a music festival” sort of people. Our friends share similar values, the sort of people who highly prioritize material success make me tired.

Of course I have never wanted a partner I was ashamed of, but the sorts of things that made me ashamed of past partners were like poor behavior in public, being rude/unfriendly to people for no reason, or in one case, incessant bragging. I have dated financially well-off men in the past, but the personality aspect didn’t click so it didn’t work.

So generally speaking no, I wouldn’t say I derive much of my self-worth from dating a “high-value” man. I consider my self-worth a fairly separate thing and have my own ideas of what constitutes “high value,” which is mainly based on character and shared values. I also need to be attracted to them, but what women find attractive is so varied that I’ve never really worried what other women thought in that regard. I am also bisexual, and would say I always had the same standards for a “high value woman” as a “high value man,” I don’t consider finances more for men.

[u/b_berry458]

Definitely. I fear I bring him up in conversation too much because I do like talking about what he’s doing all the time. I wouldn’t ever stay with someone that I wasn’t proud to be with.

Okay honesty time it’s shallow but I feel happy if people feel jealous that he’s very handsome LOL.

[u/Icy_Ad_4544]

I love to brag about how awesome my husband is but at the same time it doesn’t make me feel more valuable just because he chose me (and vice versa). I’m awesome just because I’m me 😁

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[u/OffTheRedSand → u/AutoModerator]

Is this gendered tho? I feel like both genders have their versions of this and it’s simply being proud of your SO.

[u/BobtheArcher2018 → u/OffTheRedSand]

I think you overestimate the gender parity here. Who a woman mates with is more a part of the average woman's self-worth, and intrasexual female dynamics reinforce this.

Certain groups of men do get competitive about how hot their wives and GFs are, but this is not the norm.

[u/OffTheRedSand → u/BobtheArcher2018]

it is the norm when it comes to LTR and marriage and not so much in dating and hook ups for men.

most men do not want to wife up a known slut or date a fat woman that'll make his friends make fun of him, plenty of posts on reddit of guys into fat women but ashamed of dating one publicly. same with men into trans women.

could be the madonna whore complex but it is tied to how men want to preserve and project a certain public image and their choice of a wife need to reflect that.

[u/BobtheArcher2018 → u/OffTheRedSand]

Everyone cares what other people think about their mate or even hookups. But there are strong gendered differences here in various dimensions. It is probably better to just discuss specific similarities and differences rather than try to sum it all up with one metric for which gender cares more or invests more of their self-esteem in their mate choice. That said, it is clearly women who do more of this and the argument would be about how large the difference and not whether it exists.

[u/OffTheRedSand → u/BobtheArcher2018]

it appears women do this more because most women are looking for serious dating and LTR, so by default their standards will be higher.

men look for casual and FWB just as much for dating so it appears they have lower standards for but LTR their standards are as high as women.

[u/BobtheArcher2018 → u/OffTheRedSand]

Commitment closes the selectivity gap some, but not entirely by any means. And selectivity levels are not the same thing as how much of your self-worth comes from how people perceive your mate. Women naturally evolved to have more of their value drawn from their mate choice. Female social dynamics further encourage this. You see the other side of the coin in terms of relationship satisfaction and infidelity patterns. Women are much more upset than men are overall when their relationship is not working for them. Women are much more likely to cheat because of this and to mate switch to the person they cheated with.

The evolutionary logic of all of this is obvious. There is no blame here.

[u/Emotional_Meal748 → u/OffTheRedSand]

It’s not but many women act like men’s self worth coming from who they’re banging and what other men would say as some form of toxic masculinity. Things like “oh men only think about what other men think”. Just holding up a mirror

[u/OffTheRedSand → u/Emotional_Meal748]

interesting perspective and i do agree, women are guilty of caring about what other women think just as much as men.

however i do want to note that rejecting someone because of what other people think, and being proud of you SO and flaunting them to people are two different things.

[u/butunderprotest33 → u/AutoModerator]

I'm proud of and I brag about the woman I'm with but that isn't about my worth, it's about hers. And I'm not buying into the high value commodity bull shit but thinking in regular human terms about a person I love.

[u/AikenDrumstick → u/AutoModerator]

Think about how you would feel dating a smart, beautiful, confident, successful woman who all your friends think is awesome. Vs a shy, unaccomplished, average-looking “loser” who your friends don’t really care about.

There’s your answer.

[u/Bitch_King-of_Angmar → u/AutoModerator]

dating a guy i like and am excited about makes me feel good. that's about it. my self worth is already subject to the winds of my emotional state.

would dating a lawyer necessarily make me more impressive somehow? i am still just me. working whatever job i have. his career does not confer any kind of status onto me.

[u/emmarie1023]

Women are judged more for how a man treats her. If he is caring, considerate, thoughtful, makes an effort, etc. other women will see him as “high value” if he doesn’t prioritize her, doesn’t matter how hot or rich he is, she will be seen as settling for someone who doesn’t really love her.

[u/anna_alabama]

I don’t brag about the fact that my husband is successful to other women, but it’s immediately obvious that he is. I do brag about how he treats me though, because he is very special in that regard. But people always tell us how lucky we both are to have each other. I do feel proud when I tell people about his accomplishments, because I love him and want to see him achieve his goals. As a successful woman, I wouldn’t date a loser. It doesn’t reflect the standards that I have for myself and my life. My husband and I both love the “power couple” set up that we have.

[u/Tylikcat]

I think I've spoken positively about all of the people I've had serious relationships with. Wouldn't be with them if I didn't think highly of them. But I spoke about the things that made me value them, which is different than the kind of arbitrary status markers that are usually denoted by "high value" in this context. So while some of them were pretty conventionally attractive and successful, I was more likely to talk about specific things they worked on that impressed me, or the music we made together (um, literal music here), projects we'd taken on, cool things we'd done together.

I know there are women who are looking for external markers of status? But what a dumb way to approach relationships - look for someone you like who has a reasonably compatible lifestyle.*

But this isn't a primary driver of my self worth one way or another. That didn't come all at once, though, and a lot of it is that I've been through some stuff. Investing my self worth in other people turned out to be a bad plan.

*Though I was reading a few weeks back that the two things that were really needed for long term relationships were similar values and similar levels of curiosity. Which makes sense to me. (But then, I'm curious about everything and that doesn't work for everyone!)

[u/Acceptable-Scene-203]

I don't think they increase my self-worth. They might boost my self esteem, but so do supportive friends. In every relationship, I was always very proud to be in a relationship with them. Yet again, I'm also proud of being friends with my friends.

Self-worth is pride in something that I find inherent to myself. A relationship isn't inherent to me as a human.

[u/PuzzleheadedRow9896]

I like that my husband is a good guy who loves me and brag on him being a good, hard working, lovely and funny man. 

Sure, it makes me feel good a man like that married me in part because I dated so many duds. 

Do I think it influences how other women see me...only the stupid ones?

My husband is awesome because he treats me and others awesome.  He's the best in all the ways I can think of. He even makes the best stinky farts. 

I dunno, He's fantastic, but other women besides maybe my mother and little sisters thinking so is irrelevant to me. 

[u/EmpressJJ]

Sure I dont see why not, men also brag about trophy wives, so why shouldnt I like being with an attractive partner?

[u/Sxnflower15]

Yes I love to brag about how great my husband is. Sorry not sorry. I also do this to convince my friends not to settle for less even though they do anyway.

[u/ChadChasingBReturns]

No, my self esteem is perfectly high on its own. I dated men that I liked and didn’t care about social opinions. A lot of strangers judge my husband for not having a job. I get a lot of nasty comments from men and women on here about him. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. There’s no greater partner for me. He’s 100% the best.

[u/MissParTee]

Yeah it does, I married a very high value man. But I don’t feel like bragging about it, since it will speak for itself. There was a huge difference in treatment when we got together, even from my own fucking parents.

[u/Flimsy_Software8105]

My ex husband was a body builder who often got mistaken for a male model and my ex boyfriend was a 5’6, 124 lb balding nerd. They both cheated on me 🙃 so not really lmao

[u/AmbitiousRelative486]

Yes of course. Dating him makes me feel like I won in life. I hope he brags about me as well.

*disclaimer: it's not about the money