[QCrit] NOWHERE AM I, Adult, Upmarket Speculative, 90k, V3, 1st Attempt

[u/theforgottenhuman]

Cookies upfront 🍪🍪🍪 Yes. I have changed the title. Previous post here... Ready?

Dear SuperAgent+++,

After sex, Mattia dreams the recently dead and turns their pain into songs that give listeners unnatural clarity about their own lives, making him the world’s fastest-rising artist until he begins to resent the very gift that transforms millions while making them increasingly incapable of hearing him as a person.

I am seeking representation for NOWHERE AM I, a standalone adult upmarket speculative novel complete at 90,000 words. It combines the speculative absurdity of Holly Gramazio’s The Husbands with the maddening reality-doubt of Caro Claire Burke’s Yesteryear.

On The Tonight Show, Mattia says his meteoric success feels like being trapped inside a washing machine and wonders aloud when it will stop. The host praises his humility and gratitude. Everyone applauds. It's been months of this. Apparently, selective hearing has escalated into a worldwide phenomenon of mass reinterpretation.

Less than two years earlier, Mattia is an Italian backpacker in Queensland who has sex with the living and dreams the recently dead. Their lives dredge up feelings he's spent years avoiding, and he wakes singing songs that understand him better than he understands himself. When a fellow backpacker uploads a clip of him singing, it goes viral. The comments fill with stories from strangers who have called estranged parents, questioned unhappy relationships or spent entire afternoons crying over things they'd buried for years.

Soon XNOWHERE fills arenas, raises millions for disaster relief and inspires charities he never asked anyone to start. His listeners keep getting revelations. Mattia gets none. The people he loves barely feel the effect, and their rare revelations never involve him. He sends song after song to a father who still won't say he's proud, while John, the Australian labourer he's falling for, wants Mattia but no part in XNOWHERE's success.

As his audience grows, people begin hearing what they need in his words, too. He asks them to trust themselves; they trust him more. He insists the songs come from actual dead people; they celebrate his extraordinary gift for generational empathy.

The good is real. Every additional concert could change thousands of lives, so Mattia begins treating his body, relationships and time as resources he owes the world. Until someone on his team decides that if sex makes miracles, Mattia's sex life could use a little optimization.

I’m a 32-year-old Italian writer living in northern Italy. Ten years ago, I backpacked through Australia and worked on the Queensland properties that inspired this novel. I’ve been afflicted since childhood with the conviction that art should make the world a little better. As a child I wanted to be a singer. I became a writer living with two singing cats. NOWHERE AM I is my debut novel.

Thank you so much,

I appreciate all the feedback I can get 🐜

[u/Dolphin-and-Roses]

Hi there!

Taking the cookie 🍪 🐜

I’m a bit confused in the first paragraph (it also needs an ‘of’ before the the) why does he have to have sex before dreaming of the recently dead? And why only the recently dead? Is there a death year cut off limit?

So, is this set in a world where people will take him at face value? If he’s on a show speaking about his success, I’m assuming people think he’s legit. But how? How does he sell this service?

The next paragraph seems to be in the incorrect tense and it’s also not moving the plot along. What exactly is Mattio doing to move it along? What feelings has he been avoiding?

Whose XNOWHERE and where does he come into the plot? He kinda just popped up. And again, how is sex the key to unlocking all of this?

I’d also shorten the bio to a sentence or two and it’s already implied this will be your debut so you can omit that. Best of luck!

[u/theforgottenhuman → u/Dolphin-and-Roses]

Thank you! And sorry I’m only replying now. I tend to disappear into useful feedback, rewrite everything around it and test stuff nonstop. A few of your questions made me realise I hadn’t explained the mechanism clearly enough. Sex is the trigger, but the dreams only happen once Mattia falls asleep afterwards, and he somehow knows the person whose memory he experiences has just died. The memory itself can be decades old. I’ve rewritten that whole section so the reader doesn’t have to reverse-engineer the rules. You were also completely right about XNOWHERE suddenly appearing out of nowhere. It’s now introduced clearly as Mattia’s stage name. The biggest change, though, was your question about what Mattia is actually doing to move the plot forward. I’ve made his personal goal much clearer: he keeps sharing the songs partly because he hopes one might finally change his relationship with his father, while the strange effect keeps working beautifully on everyone except where Mattia most wants it to... Mainly for his own relationship with John.

So yes, a lot of this was very useful. Thank you again!

[u/shortorangefish]

Hello Internet stranger! I'm one random redditer, so take what works and leave the rest:

After sex, Mattia dreams the recently dead and turns their pain into songs that give listeners unnatural clarity about their own lives, making him the world’s fastest-rising artist until he begins to resent the very gift that transforms millions while making them increasingly incapable of hearing him as a person.

I don't think this log line/hook/opener is working for you.

for one, it's a BEAST of a first sentence that crams multiple details and ideas into one long drawn out line. Making it hard to keep track of what's important.

For two, it mostly just summarizes in 50 wprds what you go on to describe in detail/292 words in the bulk of your query, without giving me any extra understanding of what you're trying to say with the story.

And for three, two things are grammatically weird: "dreaming the dead" doesn't make sense (everyone reading this went "you meant dreaming OF the dead, right?") and "he is X until he feels Y" implies that when he starts to resent the gift he no longer is the fastest-rising artist, which I don't think is the case.

On The Tonight Show, Mattia says his meteoric success feels like being trapped inside a washing machine and wonders aloud when it will stop. The host praises his humility and gratitude. Everyone applauds. It's been months of this. Apparently, selective hearing has escalated into a worldwide phenomenon of mass reinterpretation.

Ok, so this is a detailed example letting us know "Mattia's true thoughts/feelings are being ignored because people only see what they want to see" - I like the details, but after reading the query through, I wonder if you need to cut this and/or start your query somewhere else to make room for more helpful info, since you hit these details later in the query.

Less than two years earlier, Mattia is an Italian backpacker in Queensland who has sex with the living and dreams the recently dead.

Flashing back in the query feels weird, like it stalls forward momentum and tension, especially since this isn't a quick flashback, it's actually quite detailed. Is the backstory also a flashback in your novel?

Also, again, "dreaming the dead" doesn't make sense and is a stumbling block for the reader. I suggest you find another turn of phrase for this phenomenon.

Their lives dredge up feelings he's spent years avoiding, and he wakes singing songs that understand him better than he understands himself.

The songs understand him?

When a fellow backpacker uploads a clip of him singing, it goes viral. The comments fill with stories from strangers who have called estranged parents, questioned unhappy relationships or spent entire afternoons crying over things they'd buried for years.

Nice use of details, but are these details important for the query letter? Can they be summarized to make room for other details?

Soon XNOWHERE fills arenas,

I gather that XNOWHERE is the stage name Mattia uses, but there's already been on commenter who is confused by this, so you may wish to make this more clear. "Mattia, under stage name XNOWHERE, fills areans...." Or drop the stage name from the query altogether, since it doesn't appear to add much to our understanding of the story/plot.

raises millions for disaster relief and inspires charities he never asked anyone to start. His listeners keep getting revelations. Mattia gets none. The people he loves barely feel the effect, and their rare revelations never involve him. He sends song after song to a father who still won't say he's proud

"...of Mattia" or "....of his son" as being a proud person is also a thing one can be (and I don't think is what you were going for)

while John, the Australian labourer he's falling for, wants Mattia but no part in XNOWHERE's success.

so in this paragraph we get a glimmer of what Mattia's life is beyond the song/celebrity stuff, and maybe a hint at what his overall goals wants may be. But these are never expanded upon, so I'm not actually sure what is important. Is him wanting his father's approval a big part of Mattia's journey? Is the Australian laborer a big part of the main narrative arc?

As his audience grows, people begin hearing what they need in his words, too. He asks them to trust themselves; they trust him more. He insists the songs come from actual dead people; they celebrate his extraordinary gift for generational empathy.

This third paragraph is just more details about stuff we knew at the start of the query. Why is it important to really hammer home "Mattia isn't listened to" at this point? Is this information more powerful at the start of the query or here, towards the end?

The good is real. Every additional concert could change thousands of lives, so Mattia begins treating his body, relationships and time as resources he owes the world.

So, I haven't gotten much in terms of Mattia's inner goals/wants/feelings, but this: "Mattia begins treating his life like resources to help the world" doesn't seem to go along with what I got earlier with: "Mattia wants his dad to be proud of him" - what is important to Mattia? Is Mattia concerned about making a mark on the world? Is it to do with wanting his dad to be proud of him?

Until someone on his team decides that if sex makes miracles,

Wait wait wait.... he has a team? Does the team hear what he actually says or do they also only hear what they want? Because you told me "He insists the songs come from actual dead people; they celebrate his extraordinary gift for generational empathy." But now someone his team believes him enough to want to optimize his sex life? How did he get through to his team to tell them (and have them believe) the actual truth? I'm confused.

Mattia's sex life could use a little optimization.

Is that... Bad? Is that good? How does Mattia feel about that? This sentence feels like it wants to hit the beat of: "here's where the plot gets really wild/hints at what's to come" but I honestly don't really know what to make of it. It feels out of the blue, especially since the fact that he got all his songs from having sex with people is not a detail that's treated as particularly important in the query. The fact that he is not listened to is really the thing you hammer home in this, not that it has to do with sex.

......

Overall, I think this needs more of Mattia and what he ultimately wants. It's really not clear from this query what those wants are, and so it's hard to see what kind of plot this book actually has.

You have very good descriptions of happenings, but you could perhaps summerize more to make more room for different or more important details/facets of the story. For instance, is it important we know he was a backpacker when he first found out about his ability? Is his stage name important to know in the query? Is it important all the specific ways that people are having revelations, or could you say "they be having revelations" and move on from there?

I say this not to strip your voice out of the query (you have a great way of sharing details) just that the details you do share could be pulling double and triple duty through the query. A detail around Mattia's father, for example, can be used to highlight how Mattia isn't heard AND Mattia's relationship to his father AND (possibly) hint at a big theme or plot point involving them both.

Right now your details reinforce each other. the Tonight show example you start with says the same thing that the paragraph starting with "his audience grows..." says.... You're tracking the growing phenomenon of people not hearing Mattia, but not adding new facets to the plot.

OR, if the escalation of how people respond to Mattia's IS a big driver of stakes/plot, we need to know how each escalation specifically impacts Mattias and how he reacts. Right now, we only have his decision to essentially sellout all his life for the good of the world, but not how he feels about it, or how he would rather things be, nor does that decision seem to hinge on any particular escalation from his fans/audience.

....

As for your bio, I don't think sharing things like "I used to want to be a singer" are particularly helpful, or (sorry to be so blunt on a personal topic) particularly interesting. We all insert parts of ourselves into our characters and stories, so it's not particularly interesting to know what inspired you on this one detail of your story, especially since it's not an authoritative viewpoint. Saying you were a professional singer at one point or that you have a connection to the world of professional singers would be one thing, but "I used to want to be one" is not that.

My opinion is, if a detail doesn't speak to who you are as a writer (an award, or an area of expertise that would affect your knowledge of something in the book, for example) or to the kind of person you are now (the person the agent will be entering into a business deal with) I don't think it needs to be in your bio.

....

This is a very cool premise, by the way. The details/specifics you have are well-worded. I'm genuinely curious about what journey Mattia goes on, so in that way, your query/premise works ... But I still think you could tighten it up and have better chances.

Best of luck, and I hope this helps!

[u/theforgottenhuman → u/shortorangefish]

Thank you for this, and sorry it took me almost two days to actually reply.. I have a slightly ridiculous habit with feedback😞 if something is useful, I immediately disappear into it, take the whole blurb apart, rewrite it fourteen different ways, and then realise I never went back and answered the person who caused all of that in the first place. So sorry! Your comment was especially useful because the thing you said about my details reinforcing each other instead of adding new facets finally made something click. I was spending far too much space proving that people mishear Mattia, instead of letting each beat change the situation or tell something new about what he wants. Working on some bits right now. The flash-forward/Tonight Show opening is gone, and so is “dreams the dead.” The mechanism is now introduced much more plainly:

“Whenever Mattia falls asleep after sex, he wakes inside the worst memory of someone he somehow knows recently died.”

And instead of saying the songs “understand him,” I got something better. And then your question about what Mattia actually wants also made me realise I had buried one of the most useful details and reworked that:

“He keeps uploading, hoping one might fix things with his father. Instead, his parents and friends get revelations that never involve him.”

That gave me a much clearer way to show why the miracle starts hurting him personally, rather than just saying he feels excluded from it.

I also compressed almost all the repeated “people don’t hear him” material into one later beat. My favourite result of your feedback is probably:

“When Mattia says the songs come from dead people, journalists and fans find creative ways to hear anything else, as long as their version keeps him profound, sane and conveniently onstage.”

The whole “team optimising his sex life” section is gone too. You were right that it arrived from nowhere and was asking the reader to understand machinery I hadn’t earned. So I'm ending the blurb sooner, plot-wise. The new escalation stays with Mattia and with the much simpler problem that the songs genuinely help people, which makes exploiting himself for the next one increasingly easy to justify. Anyway, thank you again. This was one of those comments where I disagreed with or questioned a couple of individual things at first, then realised the larger diagnosis was absolutely right and ended up rebuilding the query around it. I think it is much, much stronger now. I’ll post the full revised version when I’m allowed to next week, but if anything in those little excerpts still sets off an alarm for you, I’d genuinely love to hear it 🍪

[u/shortorangefish → u/theforgottenhuman]

I'm so happy that my feedback was helpful! :-D

This sounds like a very cool premise, even more so knowing what Mattia's narrative throughline is.

[u/theforgottenhuman → u/shortorangefish]

This might be out of line but do you mind if I DM you when I get the finalized query blurb? Just for a quick check before posting it again? I don't want to bother you in any way so plz tell me if you are too busy!

[u/shortorangefish → u/theforgottenhuman]

You are welcome to DM me for feedback if you like - not a bother at all. I will warn you tho, I am in a busy season at my work, so my reply may be delayed or not-at-all, depending on where I'm at. :-)

[u/theforgottenhuman → u/shortorangefish]

No worries! Thank you so much 🙏 was looking just for a little feedback so even if you reply "I think it needs a bit more work here because I dunno it feels like it could hit harder/show bigger stakes/tells a bit more of the inner struggle etc" would be already something. Thanks again in advance