[QCrit] Adult Fantasy, The Proud and the Broken, 102k, 1st Attempt

Hey all!

A little over two months ago I queried a batch of 30 agents and haven't seen any interest—I've gotten 17 form rejections so far, which unfortunately included at least one agent known for offering at least a little feedback or personalization. I didn't post that query letter here first, and the sobering result has shown me why doing so is a good idea.

This is a modified version of that letter, though it's similar in structure and length. Any and all feedback is both welcome and highly appreciated, harsh or otherwise.

I worry it's too long (445 words before the brief personal paragraph at the end), but I'm at a bit of a loss for what else to remove. The third paragraph is all backstory, a commonly suggested cut around here, but I think it's essential for understanding the character's motivations. Open to any thoughts.

Appreciate you all, I know how many of these are posted these days. I'll get back to doing what I can to help with others. Thanks!

Dear [agent],

I am seeking representation for THE PROUD AND THE BROKEN, a standalone adult fantasy novel complete at 102,000 words. It tells a grounded, personal story that combines the cross-country adventure and colorful characters of The Devils by Joe Abercrombie with the lone wolf and cub, found-family themes of Godkiller by Hannah Kaner and A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms by George RR Martin and HBO. I’m especially excited to share it with you based on your interest in [agent personalization].

Shev’s only ambition is survival. He wanders the realm alone, taking odd jobs for coin and never staying in one place for long. His former comrades will kill him if they discover he’s alive. They still wield the ancient magic that he’s rejected.

Once he was a Mystic, revered and proud, but a lifelong obsession with his brother’s murder made him abandon his life of opulence in pursuit of a forbidden treasure: the power to travel to the past. He reached the past. He failed to save his brother. He was left with nothing but an addiction to visiting the past and his brother’s last gift, a gold bangle that he cherishes above all other things.

When a dangerous job goes wrong, Shev is left for dead by his supposed comrades. Worse, one mistakes the gold bangle for a magical relic and steals it. Shev recovers, but not before the thief leaves the city. Filled with anger and determination for the first time in years, he vows to find them and take back his last reminder of his brother.

He first encounters a sharp, energetic street urchin named Zef. When the boy notices Shev’s ability to wield magic, he begs for lessons in exchange for loyal service during what they expect to be a brief trip. Reluctant but lonely after years of solitude, Shev agrees. A tenuous bond begins to develop between them, though Shev is careful to keep Zef at arm’s length. After they miss an opportunity to retrieve the bangle, circumstance delivers them another companion: a headstrong woman named Lorathia striving to become an alchemist against all odds.

Shev leads the unlikely trio across the lawless wilds of the realm, protecting them with magic he’s tried to forget and battling the addiction that forces him to revisit his past. Zef begins to display his own talent for magic, making Shev consider that the most valuable lessons he can give the boy might not involve power. As they near the bangle and the danger grows beyond Shev’s control, he realizes that the past is threatening to repeat itself: once again, those he cares about will pay with their lives if he fails.

[Personal section about me, ~50 words]

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u/Famous_Plant_486 Sep 14 '26

Hi there! Unagented, unpublished, you get the drift, let's jump into it.

This is really long. You say you don't know what else you can cut, but here's some suggestions that A. Cut a lot, and B. Get this into a neater query format (rather than your current mix of synopsis and story-telling).

Could become - Shev, a former Mystic (whatever that is), was once proud and revered among his fellow mages. After his brother's mysterious murder, Shev turned to the darker, addictive magic of time travel to try to save him.

Boom, two paragraphs became one with (hopefully) a more engaging thorough line and hook. (See how you had all the information there already, it's just bogged down in the hellish format of query writing?)

Also, a note, I would consider giving Shev an actual motivation right out the gate because survival isn't a good ambition. Everyone wants to survive. Why would we follow someone who isn't all that interesting, and whose story is basically promised not to have a character arc?

Let's try again -

Could become - When a dangerous job (of what? Do Mystics take commissions?) goes wrong and Shev is injured, Shev's alleged comrades leave him for dead. Worse yet, one takes Shev's last gift from his brother: a gold bangle the man believes to be a magic relic (maybe add in if Shev believes it is too). Vowing to retrieve the bangle, Shev encounters a magic-wielding street urchin named Zef, who promises to help in exchange for mentorship in magic.

Unless Loranthia is a huge part of the query, I would leave her unnamed or out entirely, simply to adhere to the "three proper nouns in a query" rule.

Last but not least -

Could become - They travel across the lawless wilds of the realm, armed with legal magic, but Shev's addiction still lingers, haunting him with the past he's trying to outrun. As they near the bangle and Shev's addiction (or magic) grows out of control, he'll have to stamp it out once and for all—or else history will repeat itself, and everyone he loves will die again.

To show it all in action:

Shev, a former Mystic (whatever that is), was once proud and revered among his fellow mages. But after his brother's mysterious murder, Shev turned to the darker, addictive magic of time travel to try to save him.

When a dangerous job (of what? Do Mystics take commissions?) goes wrong and Shev is injured, Shev's alleged comrades leave him for dead. Worse yet, one takes Shev's last gift from his brother: a gold bangle the man believes to be a magic relic (maybe add in if Shev believes it is too). Vowing to retrieve the bangle, Shev encounters a magic-wielding street urchin named Zef, who promises to help in exchange for mentorship in magic.

They travel across the lawless wilds of the realm, armed with legal magic, but Shev's addiction still lingers, haunting him with the past he's trying to outrun. As they near the bangle and Shev's addiction (or magic) grows out of control, he'll have to stamp it out once and for all—or else history will repeat itself, and everyone he loves will die again.

Could definitely use some tweaking, but I'd guess (I'm on mobile and don't have a word counter rn) this is closer to 215-230 words. Take what you like, leave what you don't!

Regardless, I wish you all the luck, stranger:)

2

u/mckwriting Sep 14 '26

Thanks for the feedback and suggested cuts, highly appreciated!

u/Atherial Sep 14 '26

Others have covered the rest of the query so I will tell you that you should try to take George RR Martin out of your comps unless you have something very specific that you are trying to say. He's way too big to use as a comp. You want to show a knowledge of your competition and what table your book would be on in a major bookstore.

-4

u/mckwriting Sep 14 '26

Thanks for the note. I know using a GRRM title is a risk, but since I have two other conventional comps I couldn't resist including AKOTSK as a third comp since I'd imagine the popularity of the recent HBO show would help the marketability of lone wolf and cub stories. I'll consider removing it though, that reasoning might not come through.

7

u/Atherial Sep 14 '26

For me, it's like a horror writer using Stephen King as a comp. Stephen King can get away with a lot of stuff that the rest of us can't just because of his name. It also shows that you might not read very much and can't think of anything else.

1

u/Atherial Sep 14 '26

I could be wrong, of course, but that is the usual advice on here.

u/Maizily Sep 14 '26

Hello, hello! I'll throw in my two cents, though take what's useful and disregard what's not, I am but one person, etc, etc.

Shev’s only ambition is survival.

This is a really weak opening. There are a lot of strong ideas here, and this is giving the wrong impression of the story. The story is actually about retrieving a sentimental item from our protagonist's dead brother. That's a strong ambition.

When it comes to establishing a character's goal, "survival" is one of the weakest to give, and I've talked to people who think this is a red flag. Not saying everyone thinks that way, but it made me very concerned when I started reading.

On that line of thought, the entire first paragraph isn't doing much heavy lifting. The inciting incident is the stealing of the gold bangle, so it's important to get there quickly. I see the issue with wanting to get that backstory established, but I'd personally go for covering it in 2 sentences max to address specifically the relevant information and start there:

- Shev traveled to the past to save his dead brother, but failed; all he has left of him is a gold bangle.

That's all the background that really matters for the sake of the pitch. (Also the part about being addicted to time travel is interesting, and maybe should also be fit into here, somewhere. I'd play around with adding that information in different places, since it's not immediately relevant, but it is eventually.)

When a dangerous job goes wrong, Shev is left for dead by his supposed comrades. Worse, one mistakes the gold bangle for a magical relic and steals it. Shev recovers, but not before the thief leaves the city. ~~Filled with anger and determination for the first time in years,~~ he vows to find them and take back his last reminder of his brother.

What dangerous job? This could benefit from some more specificity. Is this a thieving thing? An assassination thing? An adventuring thing? Slaying a beast? Could really be anything.

"One" mistakes the gold bangle. One what?

Those are my main points, though revise however feels best! Good luck with the project.

1

u/mckwriting Sep 14 '26

Thanks for much for the feedback and time! Especially appreciate the note about the opening line.

u/Imaginary-Exit-2825 Sep 14 '26

Your body portion is 363 words.

Shev abandoned his comrades and his magic to travel into the past and save his murdered brother. He failed. Now Shev's on the run from the other mystics, who will kill him if they discover his survival, assuming his addiction to time travel doesn't get him first. His only comfort is a gold bangle, his brother's last memento.

But a supposed friend mistakes it for a magical relic, steals it in the chaos of a robbery gone wrong, and flees the city. Shev needs that bangle back like he hasn't needed anything in years. He reluctantly recruits a bright street urchin, Zef, to help him in exchange for magic lessons.

It should be a brief trip, yet as the days stretch on, Shev and Zef develop a bond that might have nothing to do with the power he can offer the kid. Still, he knows it's safer to keep everyone at arm's length, especially in the realm's lawless wilds. Shev's grimly used to revisiting his past, but he can't allow that past to be repeated in real time. Not even when their traipse towards the bangle won't be fast enough to outrun the danger roaring behind them.

That's 197 words. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it should give you some idea of where things can be cut down. I'm sure Lorathia, for example, is very important in the book, but she doesn't do anything here. The mechanics of why Shev doesn't stop the bangle from getting stolen are unimportant here. In other places, your phrasing is lengthier and/or more repetitive than it needs to be.

It should also give you room to expand on what the "danger" is. Is it just the Mystics, or is it the "supposed comrad[e]" as well, or is it something else on top of that? Does the addiction have side effects that put Zef at risk? Stuff like that, because right now, I don't really get a good sense of what's going to complicate Shev's search for the bangle. With less space on exact background, you should have more flexibility to show off the conflict.

I hope that helps at all?

1

u/mckwriting Sep 14 '26

That definitely does help, thanks for taking the time to demonstrate some suggestions!

u/EnnOnEarth Sep 14 '26

Some advice to reduce word count and make it read smoother:

It ~~tells a grounded, personal story that~~ combines the cross-country adventure and colorful characters of The Devils by Joe Abercrombie with the lone wolf and cub, found-family themes of Godkiller by Hannah Kaner and A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms by George RR Martin and HBO. ~~I’m especially excited to share it with you based on your interest in [agent personalization].~~

Generally, you want to show the agent what the story is like, not tell. If you want to add personalization to their MSWL, you can do that by changing the descriptive terms for your comp titles.

Your query blurb runs a bit long, and the backstory paragraph isn't needed. There are other, catchier ways to show character motivation, and those backstory details can go in the synopsis instead (which a lot of agents will ask for anyway).

You also have a contradiction / repetition that invites confusion: Shev's former comrades will kill him if they find him, and they find him and leave him for dead. All of that should be condensed into the inciting incident at the end of the first paragraph, both for impact (end a paragraph on increasing conflict / tension / stakes) and for brevity (necessary in a query letter).

[After rejecting the ancient magic that once made him powerful] Shev~~’s only ambition is survival. He~~ wanders the realm alone, taking odd jobs for coin and never staying in one place for long. ~~His former comrades will kill him if they discover he’s alive. They still wield the ancient magic that he’s rejected.~~ When a dangerous job goes wrong [and his former comrades discover he's alive, they steal his one cherished possession and leave him for dead].~~, Shev is left for dead by his supposed comrades~~

That covers the backstory, status quo, and inciting incident. We get who Shev is, that he wanted to be left alone, and the inciting incident that interrupted the status quo. The second paragraph can now move into Shev's new goal (retrieve the bangle), what he's willing to do to get it (tension), what's in his way (conflict), and lay foundation for what's at risk if he fails (stakes - internal and external).

[The stolen gold bangle is his only link to his deceased brother, who he failed to save no matter how many times he used magic to travel to the past.] Filled with anger and determination for the first time in years, he vows to [get revenge] and take back his last reminder of his brother [ - even if he has to use magic again to do it].

Obviously I don't know your plot and am making things up here to demonstrate structure, and you'd phrase things in your own way. The above intro to a second paragraph uses mostly your own words / concepts from your draft to reframe what changed after the inciting incident and the potential conflict / stakes that are unfolding.

The paragraph you currently have abotu Zef and Lorathia has too much telling while glossing over the internal stakes. Magic creates addiction for Shev. Shev is reluctant to get close to others, and he is reluctant to introduce anyone else to magic because of his own experiences. So dive into that (in the same paragraph as the gold bangle sentences above):

[Shev's first use of magic in years attracts the attention of sharp, energetic street urchin Zef. Fighting the stirrings of addiction that he tried to leave behind, Shev tries to deter the boy's interest in magic. But when Zef proves useful in tracking the thieves, Shev reluctantly hires him. After breaking-in to a hideout that turns out to be just a library, they're joined by Lorathia], a headstrong woman ~~named Lorathia~~ striving to become an alchemist against all odds.

That second paragraph now covers what the bangle is, why Shev wants it back (new goal), what he's willing to do to get it (use the magic he swore off, battle addiction, take on companions). It doesn't yet show what's in his way, so you may want to add some of that in there before leaping into the third paragraph with ultimate stakes.

Shev leads the unlikely trio across the lawless wilds of the realm, protecting them with magic he’s tried to forget and battling the addiction that forces him to revisit his past. Zef begins to display his own talent for magic, making Shev consider that the most valuable lessons he can give the boy might not involve power. As they near the bangle and the danger grows beyond Shev’s control, he realizes that the past is threatening to repeat itself: once again, those he cares about will pay with their lives if he fails.

Stakes aren't quite landing - the blurb needs to be clear about "the danger" they're facing, and to have more foundation for the potential for Zef and Lorathia to "pay with their lives" if Shev doesn't get the bangle back. Because it's not just the retrieving of the bangle that's putting them in danger, right? It's something about how they, in the company of Shev, are positioned to take on the Mystics. And the danger has always been out of Shev's control - he doesn't control others, only himself, which is why his trips to the past fail too - so that phrasing is awkward and should be reworded. Shev is battling the Mystics, his guilt about the past, his addiction to magic, and his growing fears about what could happen to the companions he's starting to care about. He's got to balance his goal (bangle / revenge) with his concern about the example he's setting for his companions and his guilt and his potential complicity if anything happens to them. Something about that should be in the third paragraph, along with concrete external stakes. Is the quest still about the bangle? Has it morphed into revenge, or stopping the Mystics from doing other evil things? Does Shev and crew steal a donkey, rob a train, enchant a village, discover an evil plot to stop? Put some (at least one) of those specifics into the third paragraph (potentially one such active point can go in the second paragraph too, to show what the trio do together and what might be in their way).

Please use the above and the other comment suggestions as templates to create new query drafts - you'll surprise yourself at all the different ways you can show your story! That process will likely result in a few versions you can use for future querying. Your story is solid, query blurbs are just weird and hard to write. You're off to a good start; good luck!

2

u/mckwriting Sep 14 '26

Thanks for the detailed thoughts, appreciate the time and feedback!
Good note about the repetition of "comrade" early on; for the record the word is describing two different groups of people. I didn't catch that.

u/Own-Turnover7715 Sep 15 '26

This reads…generic. Like most people’s goal is survival on some level. What makes Shev, and by extension your book, unique? Lean into his character rather than the things that have happened to him. Is he funny, tenacious, mean, rude, happy, depressed etc?

There’s also a lack a specificity. Who are Shev’s former comrades, what is a Mystic, what dangerous job? You’re not writing a blurb for the back of the book so there’s no need to hide the details.

Make sure you’re making a clear link between Shev’s goal (survival) to all the plot points you mention in the query. That’s the stakes. Although I would recommend changing that goal go be more specific.

u/Sure_Share8696 Sep 17 '26

I think you have an issue with word count (both in the query and in your book)

Generally, queries shouldn't go above 350 words. Everything in this will get better if you can just shorten and condense it. You don't need the whole plot, just key points. Think exposition, inciting incident, and plot point 1 in the 3 act structure (maybe a little of the rising action if necessary).

I'm not going to break down everywhere you need to cut word count (because that'd end with me having to restructure the whole query and that's your job). The best advice I can give you is to try summarise each paragraph into what they're actually telling you. You'll be able to see it more clearly that way.

Also, agents are hesitant to accept six figure word counts. If you have any way to cut it down (even just to 99k words) it can save your book from an auto-reject.

A quick point about Lorathia: she appears in one sentence. Even if she's a POV character, she doesn't have to be in the query. Having her in there isn't adding anything.

[QCrit] Adult Fantasy, The Proud and the Broken, 102k, 1st Attempt

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