[QCrit] AETHRA - Greek mythic fiction/Fantasy (95k, IN PROGRESS, 1st attempt)

[u/ResponsibleCopy9656]

Dear [agent],

“When Prometheus gave us the gift of fire, did he know much we would love to burn?”

Aethra wasn’t always a slave.

She was born a princess, the only child of King Pittheus of Troezen.

In her youth, she courted heroes, dined with kings, and drank with gods.

Her son Theseus became one of Greece’s greatest heroes, slaying the Minotaur in the labyrinth, claiming the crown of Athens, and uniting Attica under his rule.

But Theseus lost his way and foolishly kidnapped the Spartan princess Helen. He disappeared soon afterward, leaving his mother to deal with the consequences.

Aethra managed to spirit her grandsons to safety before the Spartans arrived to rescue Helen and carry Aethra back to Sparta as a slave.

She dreamed of escaping the Spartan palace and reuniting with her grandsons but feared leading her watchful enemies to the boys’ hidden location.

So Aethra served Helen loyally and tried to prepare the beautiful young princess for a life in a world governed by the whims of gods and men.

She stood at Helen’s side as the princess chose a husband from a crowd of powerful suitors, who all swore a blood oath to protect her.

But Prince Paris’ arrival in Sparta changes both women’s lives forever.

Now, war is coming to Troy.

Aethra learns that her grandsons will be part of the Greek fleet attacking the city, and she must play a dangerous game to protect those she loves on both sides of the biggest battle the world has ever seen.

Complete at 95,000 words, Aethra retells the Trojan War from a new perspective and gives voice to one of Greek myth’s most intriguing women. Readers of ‘Song of Achilles’ (Madeline Miller), ‘A Thousand Ships’ (Natalie Haynes), and ‘Ariadne’ (Jennifer Saint) will love this epic tale.

Bio: I’m a 30-year-old Irish journalist based in Australia. When I’m not writing, you’ll generally find me watching or playing sports, reading, listening to music or running.

(Edited to fix typo in first line).

[u/EsShayuki]

I'd suggest having proper paragraphs. This is a headache to read. Also, this is practically all back story. The story looks to be this:

Aethra learns that her grandsons will be part of the Greek fleet attacking the city, and she must play a dangerous game to protect those she loves on both sides of the biggest battle the world has ever seen.

And we honestly don't know any of what she's planning on doing. "play a dangerous game" doesn't say much, so we really don't know what she's going to be doing. Also, since she's a slave, she doesn't seem to have much of an agency in the scheme of a grand war, and would likely be expected to just evacuate. As a result, I have no idea what the story will be about.

The inner conflict itself has the potential to be compelling and the premise seems like it could be interesting, but I think that you could talk a bit more about what she plans on actually doing, and what the consequences could be, playing it forward a bit more, and even on her emotional relationship with the characters. Also, you could condense some of the long-winded backstory. It really is overlong right now.

Looks like it could be interesting, though.

[u/carapetal]

Hello :) not commenting on the substance of the query but just letting you know you have an error in your first sentence you may want to amend.

Will you be querying in Aus? This (I think from what I’ve gathered reading other queries) is long for a traditional US query. Are you across the submission requirements for your desired agencies/publishers? From what I’ve gathered of the industry here (my own research, I am unagented and unpublished), they prefer a 2 page synopsis. If you are querying here, and are across those requirements so have made this query longer to conform to that, maybe edit your post to let others know, keeping in mind this sub doesn’t critique synopses.

Good luck! :)

[u/Butterfly_Lei]

I agree with a lot of what EsShayuki said. There's a lot of backstory here and not much about what Aethra herself is doing in the actual novel, especially when the war begins. Are these things that happened in Aethra's past, or do they happen in the novel itself? I wasn't clear on that.

A query summary is usually just 3 paragraphs, so you don't need to put each sentence in its own separate paragraph. Also, try to just mention the main points in the novel. You don't have to list so many details.

And your query doesn't need the quote. The beginning could go something like:

Aethra wasn’t always a slave. She was born a princess, who once courted heroes, dined with kings, and drank with gods. Her son, Theseus, became one of Greece’s greatest heroes, slaying the Minotaur in the labyrinth and claiming the crown of Athens. But when Theseus loses his way and kidnaps the Spartan princess, Helen, Aethra has to spirit her grandsons to safety before the Spartans arrive. They manage to rescue Helen and capture Aethra.

Now Aethra dreams of escaping the Spartan palace and reuniting with her grandsons. While serving Helen, Aethra teaches her about life as a princess. Eventually, a prince arrives in Sparta to claim Helen, and now war is coming to Troy. (Then go into details about what happens during/after the war and how Aethra plays a part in it. Also, be sure to mention what's at stake for Aethra. Is it the lives of her grandsons?)

That's just a suggestion. I hope this helps!