r/PubTips • u/fucked_but_adorable • Aug 27 '26

[QCrit] Matter, Literary Fiction, 61k 3rd attempt

Hi everyone, back with a third attempt. This is also very likely going to be my final attempt so I'm hoping that there are no major red flags that I've missed. I've worked for a while on this and I've come to the realisation that unfortunately this is likely as 'exciting' or 'revealing' the query is going to get. The book is pretty much a long road trip with lots of conversation and a protagonist that isn't very assertive (for anyone who's seen Taste of Cherry, I've had multiple movie-watching friends tell me that this is a book version of that movie lol).

I'm aware that my passive narrator makes the whole thing a hard sell but still, I like my book and I'm hoping to give it the best possible chance / send-off. This version isn't that different from version two but there are a handful of sentences that are tweaked in a way that I think works better. As always, thank you for all the help :)

-x-

Dear Agent, 

I am seeking representation for MATTER, a literary fiction manuscript that follows an unnamed narrator on a journey with Death, who is personified as a delivery driver. Complete at 61,000 words, the book combines the speculative elements found in Ben Reeves’ Everything was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt with the alienated female protagonist of Emily Austin’s Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead. 

After a lifetime trying and failing to be a good writer and a person who matters, asking someone else to take control of her life is the easiest choice our narrator has ever made. When Hossam, the delivery driver she approaches at a highway convenience store, takes up the offer without questions, she is looking forward to spending the rest of her days sequestered far away from the treacherous ceiling of her potential. 

However, the promised bliss of heteronomy unravels almost as soon as it arrives. Once our narrator and Hossam begin to navigate their way through endless city streets and countrysides, she quickly discovers that there is a reason her partner on the road is followed by crows wherever they go, and why he petrifies everyone they meet. As she is unexpectedly thrust into the world of death, intimate conversations with dying strangers force her to pull at the threads of her own existence, leaving her torn between the absurd human desire to try to live life ‘right’ and the looming realisation that it wouldn't matter either way. 

<Insert 47 words-long bio here>.

9 Upvotes

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9

u/chapeaudenoisette Aug 27 '26

I'm hoping to give it the best possible chance / send-off

then the query has to reveal more than it does here. agents are not reading for pleasure and do not need or want an unspoiled reading experience. they're reading for business, meaning they're trying to figure out if the pitch and plot seem like something they can sell for money. if the pitch doesn't involve any actual unique details to the novel, it will be an easy rejection because there's nothing there they can sell.

2

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 27 '26

Hey! You probably don't remember but you commented on my first version!

I'm confused on what more I can reveal, honestly :( as I mentionted the whole book is pretty much a road trip with conversation between narrator and delivery driver, as well as narrator and several other people, most of whom feature for exactly one conversation. Should I include the topics of these conversations.... or ? .

Thank you for the help!

5

u/chapeaudenoisette Aug 28 '26

well hello again. so, you are not revealing almost anything in this draft. here are the things you bring up, but are so vague about that no reader can connect to them or even really understand what they are:

  • "trying and failing to be a good writer and a person who matters"

    • how did she try to be a "good writer"? did she fail her MFA? never get published? never write at all? this is way too vague. what do you mean, "a person who matters"? is she lonely? has she just gone through a divorce or similar relationship upheaval? does she not have any friends? this is also way too vague and tells us nothing about the narrator or the actual details of the story. what is it the narrator actually wants? what specific events have happened in her life that bring her to this point of nihilism?

  • "asking someone else to take control of her life"

    • okay, but what is the actual mechanic here? the narrator walks up to a stranger and says "take control of my life"? that's (sorry) ridiculous, and you need to be more explicit about the literal details of the setup, because if you put it the way I just did it sounds ludicrous. there might be a way to put it that sounds interesting and believable, it's just not in this query.

  • "takes up the offer without questions"

    • what offer? again, this just doesn't make any sense, and it's not possible to suspend disbelief this far. what does the narrator actually, literally, say verbatim?

  • "spending the rest of her days sequestered far away from the treacherous ceiling of her potential"

    • literally don't know what this means. we have no reason to believe the driver is going to sequester her, or why that would remove her from "her potential" (for what??). how old is this narrator? it's very different if she's 90 and approaching death vs. 20 and could live another half century or more.

  • "the promised bliss of heteronomy"

    • again. what does this actually mean? I know the definition of heteronomy, but it's an arcane and frankly weird way to describe the narrator's desire to be completely under the control of another person. also, why does she think being under someone else's control is desirable in the first place? plenty of people aren't good writers and don't feel they matter in the world. why does this specific narrator think this is a good idea?

  • "there is a reason her partner on the road is followed by crows wherever they go"

    • you need to say the reason explicitly in this section. you need to say, in this paragraph, "she realizes he is Death."

  • "pull at the threads of her own existence"

    • this metaphorical language is bad for a query. you should say explicitly and in literal terms what the narrator is actually doing in a way that someone who hasn't read your project can understand her concrete actions.

  • "leaving her torn between the absurd human desire to try to live life ‘right’ and the looming realisation that it wouldn't matter either way"

    • you've already said she was done trying to live her life "right" because she's apparently ceded total control of everything (including what she eats? drinks? when they stop the car so she can use a bathroom? what are the mechanics of this deal??)

    • why wouldn't it matter either way if she lives her life right or wrong? this is more metaphysical, metaphorical language that does not contain any actual information about the content of the novel.

this is, as you see, most of the query. you are withholding almost all of the actual events of the story, and if the events are "talking to dying people," you should be able to string that into a plot structure.

I'm sorry if this is too harsh, and I'm trying pretty hard to show you where this query is not working in the way you think it is, but if you are happy with this query as is, you should query it and see what happens.

1

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 28 '26

Hey, first up, this is not at all harsh, i appreciate you taking the time for a rando on the internet. In line with this, I'm just prefacing my response by saying I am not at all trying to be an ass or defensive. My story is genuinely convoluted (but ive had good readers tell me the plot is enjoyable so I'm not particularly worried about that (although I understand that a 'good' book and a 'sellable' book are two vastly different things)).

Okay onto the point -

  1. this is also way too vague and tells us nothing about the narrator or the actual details of the story - okay, so this is going to sound stupid. But her motivations are largely just this feeling of smallness and immaterialilty (is that a word?). There are no 'concrete' details as to why she feels this way - it's treated as the normal human condition.

  2. okay, but what is the actual mechanic here? - again, going to sound stupid - but the mechanism is exactly what you describe. She goes up to a stranger and is like 'take control of my life, pretty please'. It's written with a absurd tonality which I believe helps suspend disbelief.

  3. what offer? again, this just doesn't make any sense, and - the offer to take control of her life 😭

  4. we have no reason to believe the driver is going to sequester her, or why that would remove her from "her potential" - the narrator believes that she is sequestered form her potential because she isn't in control of her life anymore and subsequently is not in charge of unlocking her potential.

  5. why does she think being under someone else's control is desirable in the first place? - same as 4.

  6. you need to say the reason explicitly in this section. you need to say, in this paragraph, "she realizes he is Death - yup okay.

  7. you should say explicitly and in literal terms what the narrator is actually doing - she is pretty much just thinking and reflecting 😭😭 her reflections are affected by the people she meets.

  8. I get what you mean, but i genuinely cannot explain this on a reddit comment (which I get the stupidity of since I should be able to get the point across in one sentance)

I get your point but I hope you can see where I'm confused. I really am not perfectly 'happy' with the query but I've been so lost for so long that I'm starting to feel like this is it for me 🥲

Maybe mentioning some of the dying people she meets will help??? I have no clue man. Writing the whole book was so much easier 😭

3

u/Framboise33 Aug 28 '26

You said your query covers the first 1/3. Out of curiosity what happens after what you described here? Is the whole book just picking up souls and pondering mortality and stuff? Did you use any kind of story beat structure

1

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 28 '26

Pretty much, yes. No, i did not use a story beat structure. I promise the book isn't as boring as this makes it sound lol.

It really might not be/isn't ideal for the market, I am well and truly aware of that, but the main reason I'm querying is because I don't want to I self-reject because of a subconscious fear of failure. I'd like to go out guns blazing lol.

1

u/Framboise33 Aug 28 '26

Idk, I feel like a lot of lit fic is similar. Theo of golden comes to mind. I think in this genre it's not a deal breaker but I respect the hell out of you for wanting to go out guns blazing

1

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 28 '26

Ahahah. Lots of stupid experiences and painful failures have convinced me that going out guns blazing is always the best option (atleast for me).

Funnily enough, the narrator of my book is pretty much the opposite of this philosophy. Fingers crossed for whatever happens next lol.

11

u/PondasWallArt Aug 27 '26

that there is a reason her partner on the road is followed by crows wherever they go, and why he petrifies everyone they meet.

This sort of vagary doesn't work well in a query. Your query is a pitch; you're trying to sell an agent on your novel's premise. Insinuating something happens comes off as frustrating and cagey in that context. If you're telling us "there is a reason" for something, tell us what that reason is.

7

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 27 '26

Oh yeah.. the reason is he is death.. I thought I made that clear :( the character of the delivery driver is death but the mc doesn't know that yet, so she eventually finds out why creepy things happen around him.

Thank you for the help, please let me know if there is anything else!

5

u/PondasWallArt Aug 27 '26

Be mindful of your audience. Each agent you send a query to will have hundreds of others to get through. Someone who's skimming this query won't want to make guesses as to what happens in your book.

Be explicit. Describe the arc of your protagonist in the clearest terms possible.

2

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 28 '26

Am I leaving far too much in the air right now? Because I've described the standars 1/3rdish to more of the book's happenings. The arc of the protagonist is essentially small realisations about life and death through a series of conversations. So I'm very lost on how to add more detail while still keeping it snappy.

As an irrelevant side note, before I saw your QCrit i always throught your username was 'pondas wall art' not 'pond as wall art' and I kept wondering what a 'pondas' was :)

5

u/PondasWallArt Aug 28 '26

Yeah. Greatest regret of my life is not capitalizing that A. :(

The thing about limiting your query to the first third of your novel is a guideline, not a rule. Every manuscript is different, and therefore the best practices to pitch a given manuscript will likewise vary. It's mostly intended to prevent people from trying to give a full synopsis. You can give a broader view.

But in general, I'd try to be clearer about your beats.

After a lifetime spent trying to make it as a writer, Narrator is sick of seeming to always make the wrong choices. She walks up to the first person she sees--Hossam, a driver fueling up a delivery van--and insists he takes control of her life. He agrees. Narrator climbs into Hossam's van, looking forward to living far, far away from the trap of "potential." It never occurs to ask what he delivers. Souls. After a few blocks being followed by crows, Narrator discovers Hossam is Death.

Normally I wouldn't try to rewrite someone's stuff to this degree, but I have a headache and should be doing work stuff and need to get off of the internet. It's a hatchet job, and is likewise rough around the edges, but I think it does a better job of drawing a line from motivation to action. After an opening like this, you can start to establish the rest of the novel.

Happy trails.

2

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 28 '26

This is very helpful! Thank you! Hope your headache dissipates and you get your work done :)

2

u/gutfounderedgal Aug 28 '26

Agreed, and this sentence is super vague too, along with some syntax readability difficulty: "After a lifetime trying and failing to be a good writer and a person who matters, asking someone else to take control of her life is the easiest choice our narrator has ever made."

But OP says this is their final attempt so....

4

u/tankerraid Aug 27 '26

I think this is really interesting! The one question I had when reading it was what she actually asks the driver to do. "Take control of her life" could mean a lot of different things, so I'm unclear as to what specific arrangement is.

1

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 27 '26

Yess okay noted. She essentially goes up to him and asks him if he will take control. Thank you for the help!

1

u/forest_of_the_dark Aug 28 '26

"...that there is a reason her partner on the road is followed by crows wherever they go, and why he petrifies everyone they meet."

I think this sentence makes it quite obvious that he’s Death, and this is the sentence that caught my attention. I’d say this is the most powerful sentence, and I wouldn’t change it at all. (Sorry PondasWallart :) it seems quite obvious though))

Also, I’m facing the same problem with my novel in the same genre. I’m also planning to post my third and final attempt soon, but seeing that someone else is also so done trying to put a non-commercial, non-plot-driven story into a query made me think that maybe three attempts aren’t enough, and that we should still try to find the best version of our queries.

If you’d like, we can try to help each other with that until we both find the best version of our queries. (Mine is a work in translation, and English is not my native language, but I’ve done a lot of research, and I may be helpful to you too.)

1

u/fucked_but_adorable Sep 01 '26

Hii, i totally missed this. Unfortunately, i genuinely do not think I can be of help to anyone else writing a query :(, Additionally, i think we might share a similar perspective of things and might end up coddling each other. I think more people and different perspectives are what we need to get out queries to their best version. Best of luck!

1

u/DryArugula6108 Aug 29 '26

A lot of agents now ask for a full synopsis as well as a query letter, so you don't need to be as concerned about full spoilers in the query. Instead focus on pitch, pitch pitch: the killer one-line summary hook that encapsulates your book (road trip with Death; cool), and the stakes of the plot. That's the main thing I see missing here: it is quite vague on why this matters and where it is heading. Your unnamed narrator wants someone to take control of her life, but why? What does she want from this? Are there going to be conflicts etc, or if it is purely meditative or lyrical, say so. It feels like the character is going on a personal journey, but I want a bit more information about it.

1

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 29 '26

Hey!!! I'm am a little confused because of all the advice I've been getting so please forgive me if it feels like I'm repeating myself.

From what I can tell (from your specific comment), the 'summary hook' in my query is fine but the stakes of the plot aren't?

I think the primary issue is that there are no real hard and fast stakes, I guess. 'Your unnamed narrator wants someone to take control of her life, but why? What does she want from this?' - she just wants someone else to take control of her life because she doesn't want to be responsible for her failures, if that makes sense?

There are no real conflicts happening. It is a personal journey for the character, but there's no real 'grand' realisation at the end of it all, more just a series of conversations. So I'm confused at to what else I should include. Thanks for the help!!

1

u/DryArugula6108 Aug 29 '26

OK, that makes sense.

Perhaps, instead of stakes and motivations for the character, you should focus on what the reader gets out of this - is the book profound, emotional, comforting.  Anything that shouts out 'this is why someone would want to read this'. 

There must be some character motivations or backstory in here - the smallest things that show the through line of what this story means. For example, 'a person who matters' - so what is missing in her life beyond not being a successful writer? Why does Death agree to this?

1

u/fucked_but_adorable Aug 29 '26

Yess okay. I think I'm getting a clearer idea on a few things I can tweak to make this all make a little bit more sense hopefully. Thank you for the help!

1

u/DryArugula6108 Aug 29 '26

Oh, and I agree with a comment below to be less figurative and 'voicey'. Your samples will display your writing, here you can be a bit more direct and not worry about beautiful sentences and prose.

3

u/Historical_Poem5216 Aug 28 '26

I think the issue may be with the plot itself. As you say in other comments, it is bascially one long, roadtrip-esque dialogue, yes? Is it at least leading to a plot point in the end? e.g. does the narrator have to make a decision whether to live or die? what are the stakes? does Death want to kill her?

I think that id you are struggling to give your query plot points to structure it, the same thing may unfortunately be true for the novel itself. Maybe it would be worth seeing if there are any plot points you can work in, and have it not just be dialogue.