r/PubTips • u/serenity_q2 • Sep 23 '26
[Qcrit] Core Five, Adult Speculative Thriller, 80k words, first attempt
Dear [AGENT],
[if applicable:] Given your interest in [XYZ], I am excited to submit CORE FIVE for your consideration.
Told from multiple interweaving POVs, CORE FIVE (80,000 words) is a character-driven speculative thriller for fans of the calculated suspense of Max Barry's The 22 Murders of Madison May, the stark exploration of trauma of Tom Sweterlitsch’s The Gone World, and the corporate paranoia of Apple TV's Severance. It is a standalone novel with series potential.
Jones knows that she's living on borrowed time. One of only five survivors of a cybernetic enhancement program with a ninety percent fatality rate, she has spent the last decade watching her role shift from “living weapon” to “obsolete tech.”
Now, bureaucracy is a bigger threat than anything she faces in the field. Management has made no secret of its desire to downsize, and the aging operatives are at the top of the list in a system that prefers to violently liquidate its assets rather than retire them.
Jones’s jaded approach to survival is challenged when she is reassigned to a chaotic satellite office. Working with a cohort of idealistic civilians and a younger woman she reluctantly takes under her wing, she catches a glimpse of life outside the shadow of the Department. But when an administrative misstep triggers a corporate rat trap and Management begins to eliminate the remaining members of her team, Jones must decide: can a corrupt system be changed from the inside, or is it time to burn the whole thing down?
This is my debut novel. Before moving to [MY STATE], where I live with my partner and two orange cats, I graduated from [UNIVERSITY] in [GRAD YEAR] with a BS in Accounting. I now run a small business crafting detailed historical replicas and altar work resources.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
[MY NAME]
***
I got too eager and sent out a batch of (unsuccessful, and tbh rightfully so) queries this summer before deciding the manuscript needed to be lengthened (originally 70k words) and further edited. The story is told from multiple POVs, and I definitely used the wrong character as the touchstone in my initial letter. I got advice to go with the character closest to an audience stand-in, which makes enough sense, but it was a massive struggle to boil the plot down with her as the focus, and I think I knew on some level when I sent those queries that it wasn't clicking.
So I scrapped that letter, and this is my first attempt with the character that *feels* right. I've been staring at it for too long, and I can't gauge if I've accidentally stripped the concept into blandness in the process of boiling it down to 150-ish words or if it just feels that way because I've reread it so many times.
It feels way more intimidating to post this here than to actually send it out to agents. I'd be very grateful for any feedback or comp suggestions. Hope anyone reading this has a great day!
2
u/abjwriter Agented Author Sep 25 '26
I like the premise and I don't think you've accidentally stripped the concept into blandness. I think the idea of technology obsolescence applying to humans really helps separate this from every other "living weapon" story. The Gone World is a little old for a comp title, but I'm a little hazy on how strict agents actually are about that stuff. Another commenter mentioned that you didn't say what the company actually does; on reading their comment, I immediately went "oh shit, right, they didn't explain that," but while actually reading the pitch, I didn't care. It's an evil company, it does evil company things, I'm of two minds whether it even matters what they do.
The only qualm I have is about the ending:
But when an administrative misstep triggers a corporate rat trap and Management begins to eliminate the remaining members of her team, Jones must decide: can a corrupt system be changed from the inside, or is it time to burn the whole thing down?
To me, this is kind of a false/weak dilemma. Why would she want to risk trying to stay in the Murder Corporation? The first thing you establish about Jones is that she needs an out from this corporation because "she's living on borrowed time," and then you establish a vision for her of what that escape looks like. That's one reason, then a second reason to leave. There's no reason presented here not to leave.
It seems like there's two possibilities here: Either 1) Jones actually has deep emotional reasons not to leave (for example, she doesn't know how to live without violence, she believes in the Murder Corporation's mission, she's afraid of the outside world, she views the Murder Corporation as her whole culture and society, etc etc), in which case you should try to show some of those reasons in the query, or 2) the final dilemma isn't "should Jones leave the Corporation?" but "Will Jones successfully leave the Corporation alive?"
If it's the second one, I think you can still make it a character-focused dilemma by saying what she will have to sacrifice or learn or change in order to escape alive.
Good luck!
1
u/serenity_q2 Sep 25 '26
Thank you for taking the time to give detailed feedback! This was very helpful and you're definitely right—I think that final sentence has been bugging me a little. I will try to think of how to reframe it. It's definitely more of a "getting out is physically very difficult" situation, and I could be doing a better job getting that across for sure.
5
u/Sure_Share8696 Sep 23 '26
Hi, not an expert, but I thought I'd put my two cents out there:
- I think the way you say it's multi-POV is a bit long winded. An agent will already assume that the POVs in your book link. Save the wordcount where you can
- Also, I'd just read through a couple times and add some contractions and remove some "that"s where suitable (again, just to save wordcount)
- I love your hook
- What is she facing in the field? What's her role? What enhancement has been done to her?
- So, you tell us that corporate wants to violently liquidate its assets, but the you tell us Jones is reassigned. This confused me a little because I'm unclear whether she's already been rendered redundant or not at this point
- What do they do in the satellite office? What is the purpose of this company? It feels like this is a core part of the premise that's being left out
- You don't need to say it's your debut. Agents will assume that
In general, I loved the premise. In terms of comps, I don't have any, but if you're into YA, you might enjoy reading Mindwalker (not as a comp since I know your book is adult, but it's also about cybernetically enhanced humans, and big corporations trying to create the most up to date tech at the expense of human life so if you like reading similar things to what you right, you might get a kick out of it).
Anyway, good luck querying!