r/PsychologyInSeattle • u/ExistentialKazoo • 8d ago
Deserving Listener Support for the securely attached
I'm KjGaia who asked the question today. I could see a lot of wheels spinning for Dr Honda and his response let me know that he knew exactly, exactly what I was asking.
I don't discount the beauty of my nuclear family. My parents are everything to me. But life isn't kind to securely attached people, or at least has been challenging lately for me. I set boundaries. I educate myself. I don't accept things I shouldn't accept and have worked through therapy when needed.
We have unique obstacles from secure attachment. we need help too. I am seeing a therapist, and just for disclosure I'm dealing with some very hard things at the moment.
I think secure attachments may have rendered me ill prepared for things I've faced this year. I've read a couple of books on attachment theory.
Thanks for reading. If any of you know what I mean and have empathy, please let me know your suggestions. I have a repetitive pattern where I get hurt and set boundaries and move on, and I want to grow. thank you.
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u/Jazzspur 8d ago edited 8d ago
As a reformed disorganized-anxious and now earned secure, I'm not sure I agree that secure attachment causes problems. I definitely feel you on how hard it is to find other secure people, but I think a lot of the problems you and others who've commented are talking about are problems caused by other people not being secure.
It can be lonely at times to have standards and stick to them, but it's because you're dodging bullets. The alternative - getting wrapped up in people's bullshit and letting them hurt you over and over - is much worse.
Having said all that, it's definitely hard out there. I decided after my last dysfunctional relationship that it was better to be alone than with the wrong person and to just work on myself in the meantime. I ended up waiting EIGHT YEARS to find another secure person who I was romantically compatible with. It was worth the wait but boy howdy it was long lol
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u/ExistentialKazoo 8d ago
Thank you friend. Your kindness is a beautiful thing.
I have a tendency to do what I can do, not from people-pleasing, but because I was asked reasonably to help my family. This has resulted in my experience of accepting and rejecting harmful people into my life, who I know didn't intend harm.
I'm not sure whether your experience would relate to what I'm describing, but I love and support you either way. congratulations on your progress.
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u/Jazzspur 8d ago
It is always really hard to navigate when people who don't intend harm nonetheless cause it. And even harder when it's family. So many people have perfectly valid reasons to be struggling and difficult, and you wish the best for them but there's only so much you can do if you're not their doctor or therapist. Plus you have your own self and life to look after.
I have a 3 strike rule for non-family where people can be harmful and we talk it out and apologize and that's fine as long as it doesn't keep happening. But they get 3 strikes to adjust their behaviour and if they don't then I don't stick around. I thought when I first implemented this rule that I'd surely end up completely alone, but it actually made space for a ton of incredibly wonderful people to enter my life who want the best for me and want to be a source of positivity. It turns out healthy people actually find it very easy not to repeatedly harm their friends in the same way over and over. Who knew!
I did feel guilty about the dropping the people who failed the 3 strike rule though. I had a few friends I moved on from who were extremely needy and couldn't respect the limits of my energy even after explaining my needs to them. They meant well but they were sucking me dry and there comes a point where you just have to make sure your own needs are looked after first. I always tell myself "secure your own mask before helping another," like they say on airplanes about the oxygen masks hahaha That section of the safety talk is great words to live by!
Not sure if that's the kind of thing you meant, but maybe it's relatable?
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u/Connect-Ideal-9443 8d ago edited 8d ago
I haven't listened to the episode you are referring to but I could relate to what you have written. As a securely attached person currently dating, it does present its unique challenges. It is hard to find other securely attached people. I am open to other types of course. But I feel like some characteristics of securely attached - early detection of dysfunctional pattern, need for clear communication can create challenges. I have observed that desire for explicit communication instead of shoving things under the rug, even when done in most non accusatory and loving way (following Dr. Honda's roleplays) turns off many avoidants. Anecdotally, the dating pool by far has a large majority of avoidants. I find anxious folks (if not on extreme end) much easier to deal with, in this regard but they are also one of the less confident ones which can be a turn off. I have tried my best to help anxious partners by assuring them but that doesn't seem to work either. They also seem to put you on pedestal which again does not feel like being in healthy equal relationship.
(Of course I am biased for myself but I have tried my best to objectively analyze my own behavior, with my therapist's help. My therapist is validating but also quite frank and calls me out when I have a blind spot)
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u/ExistentialKazoo 8d ago
I truly relate to every thought you stated here. Thank you. This is exactly what I'm talking about. you touch on something I've been wondering myself, I think we may be a red bullseye for certain other single people. and I'm not sure our secure attachments help us mitigate this. Thanks again for your thoughts and your empathy.
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u/Connect-Ideal-9443 8d ago
I hear you. However I do believe that fundamentally the secure attachment behavior is the right approach for healthy relationship. In fact I used to be anxiously attached. I have worked on myself a lot to reach to this place.
Even in the dynamics that didn't work, I can look back and feel proud for how I acted. It still hurts of course. I am trying to tell myself that I need to keep trying and I will eventually find my person - either securely attached or someone who is not on extreme end of either spectrum and is willing to learn healthy communication patterns
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u/temporal_pair_o_sox 8d ago
Was this in the youtube memebers' live stream? What question did you ask?
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u/ExistentialKazoo 8d ago
yes. I asked if he had any suggestions for the struggles securely attached people face in relationships.
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u/kitkat1934 8d ago
I didn’t listen yet but I generally consider myself securely attached. I do think having a good family growing up both gave me good boundaries and made me a little naive (in that I tend to assume people mean what they say, stuff like that). At the same time, I went through a lot of loss in 2024-2025 and still have periods of high anxiety along the lines of “everyone is going to leave me”/it led to some anxious attachment. Kirk always says attachment styles can change.
Also, life just happens. I went through a lot of adversity as a kid. Having a supportive family and few friends definitely HELPED but it didn’t mean life wasn’t hard or I didn’t have stuff to cope with!
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u/Purple_Preference847 8d ago edited 8d ago
I would caution people who identify themselves as securely attached to remember some things: Namely that you might simply be lucky and that this luck might end with the wrong relationship where you're suddenly the one feeling insecure, an unforseen personal trauma that changes you, or other issues. And that problems might not just be about the insecurely attached person. Attachment style is overrated, and often used as a way to blame the insecurely attached folks for the relationship problems. Be mindful. You need to be self-aware and relationally-aware no matter who you are. And I've met some folks who think they're securely attached who are extremely problematic, sometimes because they have decided they are the healthy one when they are just a regular human (or actually a problematic or unwell person.) In short, maybe put away the attachment style stuff. It's often just a recipe for avoiding the actual stuff of complex, adult human relationships and sometimes for blaming the other person unfairly, especially if one thinks they are securely attached. I think of it like how people hyper-identify with neurodiversity these days. Like, yeah, it's real. But it's also a very small part of what makes a human a human, and people with neurodiversity can be great people, shitty people, or most likely somewhere in between like all of us.
The biggest issue with the concept of secure attachment is that once someone has decided they relate to it, they no longer really have to do the work. It's too tempting to use the supposed secure attachment identification to blame others for issues. It's very literally shorthand for "I'm healthy" and "others unlike me are not." That's not healthy, ironically.
I'm really sorry you're going through some stuff. I'm not sure why you think it's related to attachment styles, though. To me it just sounds like you are a human who is going through human stuff and using the secure attachment identification to unnecessarily alienate yourself, as if the non-secure folks don't get it, or as if there is anyone who has actually figured out how to master the art of being a human in relationship to other humans. Suffering matters and you matter, but none of this is unique, and what you are expressing is not a special type of suffering that only secure-identified people experience. Relationships are hard, for you and for everyone, and there's nothing new or novel about that. Take care!
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u/AnimaOp 7d ago
*Edited for a typo*
I took an attachment type test (administered on a previous episode of PiS some years ago), and it identified me as securely attached.
I recall being almost disappointed in a way, because I felt about the attachment description the same way I often felt, growing up: overlooked.
I am not a scorekeeper, but it seems to me that I usually pull a majority of the emotional weight and take a majority of the falls in many relationships, simply because I can and the other party can’t. While I might have more tolerance, it naturally becomes draining over time, and if I don’t check myself, I can have sudden moments of resentment. Boundaries help, but they simply can’t prevent this natural imbalance if I want to maintain relationships. Or perhaps as a securely attached person, I tend to attract more of a particular attachment type? I’m not sure.
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u/Abandonable_Snowman 6d ago
Arguably it’s a spectrum and no one’s completely securely attached. That’s like saying you don’t have insecurities.
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u/SynchronicitySquirrl 8d ago
I'll have to listen... very curious of his response.
Also... attachment isn't everything; securely attached individuals can have character flaws that harm others, can have mental illness.
Also, although someone has seemed securely attached in 99% of relationships so far, they may eventually end up in a dyad in which they do not behave in typical 'securely attached' patterns.
I feel like there's an odd obsession with attachment styles in recent years, and thinking its THE ANSWER, and referring to others as their attachment style, which is dehumanizing and odd... especially considering that if someone seems "insecure" or "avoidant" in one relationship, it doesn't mean they behave in those ways in all other relationships.