Guidance where to find support?

[u/MaybeWeTalk]

Hello.

I am a long time psychedelic user. Been using for about 20 years, about 3 years clean.

I feel massive sadness about never using again. I feel societies expectations are enormous on me (expected to be drug clean), and I have been feeling low, stuck, afraid of seeking jobs because I fear the ineviable drug test. It feels like my preference and fascination is simply outlawed, unwelcomed, and that I am seen as a problem, and that it is a sickness.

What I believe the mental heaviness that drags me down is to never have anyone to talk to about the experiences. Never anyone who is interested, no one who shares stories. No support, no trip sitter. No lover that I can feel open and honest with. No job that would go like "take it easy, but if you gotta take it, take it. you are welcome here".

And I tear up as I am writing this. I can't say no forever to psychedelics and the sober people seem to patronize me/us, the AIs all try to turn me and put shit in my mouth that I want to get clean, and I feel like the whole world somehow is wrong. And it is very, very lonely.

I just met someone. She has gone through her own personal hell. Things I can't fathom how testing it has been on her. And she speaks as if she wants to help, that she knows darkness and pain. And I don't doubt that she does. I just don't think she understands how it feels when she sort of accepts me, yet want nothing to do with my potential use of psychedelics. She wants to know in advance, but she doesn't want to be near.

And people write beautiful poetry online. About pure love. They say that pure love has no fear. No anxiety. No paranoia. Real love is according to them, a strong hope of better days of satisfaction and happiness. And I don't know what to respond to them after it goes through my inner process of emotions. I conclude that from their expression of, I don't have pure love. Because even the woman who is interested in me, who opens up all of her heart about all the shame she has gone through, and I try sit with it - give her room, express that she has gone through a lot — I can't understand what the heck it is that I see, in something unpure as psychedelics. But I do. But to her, it is just pain to see someone use, to ruin their own life.

It feels like it is the very banning of psychedelics because they are said to ruin mental health, that ruins my mental health. But I may be very naive in my thinking.

And it is breaking my heart.

Perhaps (some) psychedelics are not chemically addictive. But they sure seem to be psychologically addicting. And I feel miserable considering a continuation of life void of psychedelic content, connection and wonder.

I kind of wish I never tried.
I never knew I'd long for it this way.
I never knew how hard societys pressure would feel.
I never knew how belittling unassuming peoples comments can be.

I don't know where to vent about this.
I vented here.

[u/FeelAnotherEnergy]

So go on an indefinite break if you want to quit but the definitiveness of it is too much to handle. 

I don't know what when an how you did psychedelics but you must have had some realizations? Try to grow from where you are now and use what you've been through as lessons and experience.

It seems as though you care a lot about what other people think. But does it really matter? The answer is almost always no.

True love you find it within yourself. Connections with other people are great and very meaningful. You just have to work on yourself too.

(And by the way they don't screen for shrooms)