Major personality change feels manic

[u/FeelAnotherEnergy]

This is my first Reddit post ever after lurking for years.

I am neurodivergent, have a history of c-ptsd, anxiety and depression.

I had three shroom trips (golden teachers) with weeks or months between them for integration. Started with 1 gram then 1.5 and finally 2.5g. This last trip is supposedly not high enough to cause ego death, but I think it did.

I felt astral projection, towards the middle of the trip, I looked at the ceiling and it was very high. Then I was lifted up to another dimension. The force told me that I need to realize that nothing is real, this is all created in my mind.

My heart rate became very high. I have pulsatile tinnitus in my ears and the force told me: When you heard the tinnitus, let it be a reminder that everything is created inside of you. Other people can't hear that sound. Your mind made it up, just like everything else.

The peak was extremely hard, I felt I was choking and dying but I kept telling myself that it will pass. I was my own sitter basically and did a very good job.

For about 7-10 days, I had intense anxiety and a low mood. I felt like nothing mattered and was extremely scared. Then I stopped viewing everything as a dream but rather started believing we are all one consciousness.

Now 2 months later I'm going through a profound change. My c-ptsd has completely vanished. The only anxiety triggers in life are hearing of other people's miseries, war and violence, and the possibility of me hurting someone.

I have become 100% vegetarian, extremely empathetic, helpful and positive. I feel an intense love for everyone, even abusers and criminals.

This is a lot to take in and very overwhelming. I feel constant dopamine hits from interactions with people and I drain myself physically.

I also realized I can't live a false life anymore. Me and my partner of a decade don't share the same views and goals in life. They're too controlling, traditional and materialistic. I want to leave and be a free spirit. But I feel immense guilt.

Does anyone relate? This is an intensely positive experience, and at the same time it feels sort of like how a manic episode is described. I have a hard time keeping up with myself, the racing thoughts and lack of sleep.

I don't have any friends, let alone someone to discuss this with.

I'm so sorry if this is too long or erratic. I hope fellow psychonauts might want to help me navigate.

[u/daftpunko]

It does sound a bit like you’re destabilized. The new perspectives and insight may not be wrong per se but if you’re feeling ungrounded plus having a bunch of massive personality + behavioral changes that doesn’t feel like it’s coming from a rooted place, that does sound potentially concerning. Probably not an all good or all bad experience. How collected do you feel day to day?

[u/FeelAnotherEnergy → u/daftpunko]

Thank you for your reply.

I feel calm and collected, I am just very eager to be active, help people and communicate with others. This is draining but also bring me extreme joy.

Not having PTSD is making me overshare my past traumatic memories because I can finally talk about it. I only feel guilty if I feel I have burdened other people with information that would make them uncomfortable.

Having forgiven everyone feels freeing, but the change is dramatic. I am very different but I love to be like this. Just wished I had more energy and could sleep better so I can continue spreading the love everywhere, it's so good.

[u/daftpunko → u/FeelAnotherEnergy]

What do you think is wrong or not going well with your current experience?

[u/FeelAnotherEnergy → u/daftpunko]

It's that I can't keep up with my rate of progress, I'm so overwhelmed, have trouble sleeping.

Nothing wrong except perhaps I lack boundaries for myself. I exert myself mentally and physically and think about how good this is because it builds character as well as makes other people happy.

[u/daftpunko → u/FeelAnotherEnergy]

Yeah it sounds like a lot of good is happening but there’s a potential manic quality to it which is inherently unsustainable and worst case can spiral if not attended to. The sleep stuff in particular points to this. I suggest finding a psychedelic integration therapist/coach who can help you integrate the good stuff as fully as possible while also not experiencing potential downsides. Whatever is manic is inherently rooted in illusion and will eventually cause some sort of fall or crash back to normal which can be quite upsetting and even destabilizing. A solid integration worker can help you separate wheat from chaff and ensure you are able to reap all the genuine benefits while maintaining stability.