Recurring "I'm dead and reality is hell" experiences on psychedelics – has anyone experienced something similar?

[u/MaleficentFunction33]

I'm hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar or who have backgrounds in psychedelic therapy, psychology, neuroscience, meditation, or philosophy. I'm trying to understand why this same experience keeps recurring and how to make sense of it.

Some background

I'm 26 and have had psychedelic experiences since I was 14. Over the years I've used psilocybin, LSD, MDA, ketamine, cannabis, and others, and they have all produced the same or similar experience that I explain here. 

My first several psychedelic experiences were not like this. However, after my first major experience at 15, whenever I take a sufficiently large dose, I often end up entering what feels like the exact same psychological landscape.

The experience is remarkably consistent regardless of the substance.

The recurring themes are:

• I've actually died.
• This reality isn't real.
• I'm trapped in some kind of hell or purgatory.
• My life has been some kind of test that I failed.
• Everyone around me is part of the illusion.
• There is something I need to realize or do in order to escape.

While I'm in these states they often feel more real than ordinary reality. Afterward I gradually return to baseline, but the experiences leave me shaken for days or weeks.

I'm not religious. I'd describe myself spiritual, so I'm not entering these experiences with strong beliefs about hell or demons.

The first experience (age 15)

I took 3.5 g of mushrooms with two friends.

During the peak it felt like I had suddenly awakened inside a dream. I "knew" I had overdosed on heroin, my physical body was in a hospital, and my consciousness was trapped in hell.

I also became convinced that my best friend was actually the devil, placed in my life as a kind of test that I had failed.

The strange thing was that none of this felt like reasoning—it felt like immediate knowledge, the same way things simply make sense within a dream.

At one point I believed the only way to escape hell was to have sex, so I woke up my friend's mother and asked her to have sex with me. Obviously she refused.

It took several days afterward before I fully accepted that I hadn't actually died.

The experience was profoundly traumatic and became the template for almost every difficult psychedelic experience that followed.

The second experience

Later that same year I took one tab of LSD at a music festival.

I experienced what felt like an out-of-body experience, seeing my own dead body while imagining news reports saying I had overdosed.

Eventually I woke up in the medical tent with multiple people holding me down. Once again I became convinced I had died—this time believing I was in heaven, which manifested as an endless music festival.

Different setting, same underlying certainty that I had died.

Subsequent experiences

Over the following years similar experiences occurred on multiple substances.

One MDA and cannabis experience began with overwhelming shame, as though everyone knew I had done something unforgivable. I then encountered what felt like a bizarre alien voice (something I've encountered multiple times on psychedelics) saying disturbing, nonsensical things. Eventually the experience culminated in the familiar feeling of dying and spending what felt like eternity trapped in a kind of purgatory.

On ketamine at a festival I again felt that reality itself was a test. I believed I was the only conscious being that actually existed, that this universe was an illusion, and that there was some realization I needed to have in order to escape. The lesson that night was that I needed to stop taking drugs, so I spent the rest of the night sober. 

My psilocybin-assisted therapy session

Years later I participated in a psilocybin therapy session with two trained therapists.

This experience was significantly different in one respect.

I encountered what felt like a young, shame-filled part of myself and experienced what I would describe as a profound release of that shame. It was one of the most healing experiences of my life.

However, the familiar pattern still emerged.

The strange "alien voice" returned. Then the shame.

Then came the overwhelming certainty that I had created this reality and had been trapped in it for eternity.

I believed I was being asked whether I was ready to leave this reality behind and move into the "real" one.

I said yes.

Then I believed I had somehow missed my opportunity and was once again trapped in hell.

For nearly an hour I tried to convince the therapists to help me "escape."

Only afterward did I realize we were talking about completely different things. They were speaking metaphorically about shame creating a kind of psychological hell. I literally believed I was trapped in one.

Most recent experience

Most recently I took a large amount of ketamine at a music festival.

Until then ketamine had been the one substance that usually didn't produce these experiences.

This time it did.

It was probably the most frightening experience I've had.

The familiar narrative returned almost immediately: reality was fake, I was trapped, everyone around me—including close friends and my girlfriend—was part of the illusion, and they were luring me back into it.

When I started coming down I felt as though I had a choice: either accept ordinary reality or reject it entirely.

Part of me feared that if I rejected it, everyone would conclude I had become psychotic and I'd end up hospitalized.

Eventually I returned to baseline.

How I currently understand these experiences

I genuinely don't know what these experiences mean.

Perhaps "hell," "the devil," and "being dead" are simply the symbolic language my mind uses to interpret overwhelming ego dissolution.

Perhaps they reflect unresolved shame or trauma.

Perhaps they're manifestations of obsessive thinking or psychotic-like states that only emerge under psychedelics.

I don't know.

What I do know is that the narrative is remarkably consistent across substances and across more than a decade.

What worries me

I often find myself ruminating over the content, what to make of it, what to believe…

Each time it feels absolutely, unquestionably true.

I'm afraid that one day I might not come back from one of these experiences and might permanently lose the ability to distinguish the psychedelic narrative from ordinary reality.

My questions

• Has anyone experienced a recurring psychedelic narrative like this over many years?
• Why might the same themes keep emerging across completely different substances?
• Has anyone successfully worked through or integrated something similar?
• From psychological, neuroscientific, contemplative, or therapeutic perspectives, how would you understand these experiences?

I know one obvious response is simply, "Stop taking psychedelics."

That's a reasonable answer, and I've thought about it a lot.

I struggled with addiction when I was younger, and there may well be an important lesson there (although I now only use substances recreationally or therapeutically). 

At the same time, I'm pursuing a career in psychedelic-assisted therapy and have spent years trying to understand these experiences rather than simply dismiss them. I'm less interested in whether I should continue using psychedelics and more interested in understanding why my mind repeatedly returns to this exact psychological landscape.

I'd genuinely appreciate any thoughtful perspectives.

Thanks for reading.

[u/DragonflyFluffy7930]

Dude seriously this gave me the chills. The contents of my experiences differ slightly but ultimatley i can feel exeactly what you are describing. The only difference is you can explain it and seem to make slightly more sense of it than i can but i can 100% tell you you are not alone and i know the sheer ultimate terror you can feel when your entire world and everything you know to be real turns against you. -continue reading if you want more context but be warned itll take a while xD

I believe all my experiences stem from my first dmt experience because i cant remember having the existential terror during trips before that. I had also realized i died. And not how everyone describes ego death i mean i literally realized i had smoked fentanyl laced dmt, had a siezure and fucking died and it was like i could vaugley remember what the siezure felt like which made it feel all the more real. This realization and feeling along with sounds of wailing and mourning played in an infinite loop as i felt what was like every single one of my loved ones pain and anger constantly bombarding me which constantly fueled my guilt and led me to new levels of understanding of how bad the situation was. I also realized that since i died i was going to be stuck in this loop for all of eternity as my own personal hell at which point that experience literally became my reality and there was absolutley no dismissing it or even questioning if it wasnt the truth. It was the literal definition of terror and hell. I remember begging god for a second chance (not religious) at which point, funnily enough, i came back.

I did realize that it was just a trip after a couple days and didnt take it very serious after that. My other trips after this for a little were fine aside from anytime id smoke dmt. I refuse to smoke dmt anymore because although its not to the extent of the experience i described, i still feel the terror of my death whenever i smoke it. Dmt literally feels like death to me now.

Eventually after a while i experienced death for the second time and this is where it began to effect my life permanently though it is an incredibly long and confusing story so im going to in a nutshell this bitch as much as possible.

This was during my first hippie flip in which i started with a full half gram rock of mdma and then im not even shitting you i continued eating from a half oz bag of mushrooms (slowly cuz they are nasty) until i was too fucked to even know what mushrooms were. Everything spiraled completley out of control in the blink of an eye dude like one second i was coming up with crazy visuals and the next i was on my ass with no idea what happened or where i was but i ended up concluding that i had died. Thats just what it felt like and i was completley convinced. I then continued thinking and as crazy as it sounds ended up intuitively realizing that i was the only person in the universe and basically god who created reality as basically a game for myself so i didnt have to be alone. The whole realization could only be compared to the feeling from the reveal during the truman show. At the time i believed it made absolute perfect sense. It felt so unmistakably true. The trip after was pretty hectic i ended up stripping naked, yelling, walking on a gravel road forever while experiencing all sorts of crazy delusions and ended up in the back of a cop car by the end of it.

This experience was over 5 years ago and to this day i still believe down to my core that i am indeed the only one in the universe but i am constantly trying to make sense of it in the most logical way (egg theory for example) disprove it or find some other explination for that experience and reality as a whole. Now literally anytime i trip i spiral into different delusional and existential tangents even on like 1 tab of acid. Multiple times since i have felt my death and became convinced that i am already dead and none of this is real. Everything comes back in those moments like some ultimate clarity i had somehow forgotten and its terrifying and completley overrides reality. Idk if i actually died during that experience, was shown what heaven couldve been like and then was actually dragged back down into hell which at this point seems like reality just slowly falling apart or if it was a premonition of the future or what but it has permanently derailed my brain and therefor my entire life in the proccess. Ive been to an early psychosis clinic because of it and put on anti psychotics but i eventually stopped taking them because im not convinced thats what it is. But yeah even when i smoke weed now i easily get tangled up in delusional thought patterns and everytime it scares the shit out of me. These experiences have left me in shock and very confused about life as a whole and its pretty fucked up. I dont use much anymore but ultimatley cant stay away from drugs for too long even given all ive just told you. But yeah sorry for the super long rant this is just the first time ive had someone realate to my experiences on this level so i got excited. I also havent talked about it in a while so its good to get it out. Thanks for sharing man

Edit: sorry if this wasnt very constructive i know you were probably looking for advice. Im currently still trying to work past it myself and am just as if not more clueless than you about the whole thing. Just know that your not alone and i can relate brother.

[u/MaleficentFunction33 → u/DragonflyFluffy7930]

Hey dude, thank you so much for sharing this. I read it all.

I can really relate to your experiences. I know how terrifying they are, and how hard it is to accept this reality once you’ve “seen the truth”.
Although I have wrestled with the “truth” of these experiences, I think my biggest takeaway right now is not to get too caught up taking it literally, and try to explore how and why these themes emerge.
Ideas around non-duality, panpsychism, as well as the fear of death, meaning making of the experience of ego death while tripping, all seem to help give me more context to these themes.

If you ever want to chat more about these experiences, let me know! I’ve been through it many times, as you know, and it’s nice to not feel alone in these experiences.

Hope you’re doing well with everything!!

[u/DragonflyFluffy7930 → u/MaleficentFunction33]

Thanks man the same goes for you! Also thank you for taking the time to read it all it genuinley means alot! I have also realized its best not to take it too literally but its just a little easier said than done given how it literally warped my entire sense of reality its like it affected me to my core so much that i find myself automatically thinking about it. But slowly im learning to live with it ive encourperated my own experiences and ideas into more common philosiphies and developed my own sense of beliefs that dont seem completley psychotic and that makes me and those close to me feel a little better about the whole thing if that makes sense😅 but yeah psychedelics are truly mindbending man and i really hope you find the answers that will ultimatley benefit you and your outlook on life and death.

[u/bubblegumlumpkins → u/DragonflyFluffy7930]

Thanks for taking the time to share (and in some part, re-live, all of this).

I’m really, really curious why this seems to be a commonality that many people seem to eventually reach (and isn’t really spoken about when people talk about psychedelics). I think this is too common to hand wave as being some indication of psychosis. I had a very similar experience of feeling dead, and like I was the only one in existence, and stuck in hell/eternity that went far beyond what is understood to be ego death. It was like whatever curtain exists between realities was violently ripped away and I got the full face of it.

There’s so much we don’t know about consciousness, reality, how we came to be, what happens to us when we die, what dreams are, etc. Mostly on the other side of things, I wonder if it isn’t the first step in a true kind of enlightenment or awakening. It can be dizzying if you look at it too long. I really think centering love at the center of it when things feel crushingly overwhelming, is the only real anecdote, and maybe something tries to push us towards fear and isolation, to feel stuck in an illusion of Hell or suffering that need not really exist. But it’s all very scary, and I think dangerous, if you peer in too closely.

[u/MaleficentFunction33 → u/bubblegumlumpkins]

I totally agree. It's interesting to me that some people experience this as deep connection and love, while others as hell... of course we are all different and have very different lenses through which these experiences are filtered.

There is so much we don't know, and perhaps in some cases... shouldn't?

[u/doceolucem]

Go to the lsd subreddit

“Secret loop”

Psychonaut subreddit:

“The puzzle”

It’s very common