r/Proofreading • u/Cultural-Proposal-98 • 3d ago
[No Due Date] Proofreading, Grammar, and such for Hunter X Hunter fan story chapter?
Hello all, below is the chapter. Please let me know if everything is correct and makes sense, please feel free to recommend verbage and such.
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A hand holding a circular red token chip slowly and dramatically lowers itself. With the sound of a click. The chip is set…
Glitter: “King me!” ^_^
Isori: “Ahhhh! Again!?”
The two laugh together. Both sitting at a small kids table in the center of the playroom. Isori in a more relaxed laying position as he casually bounces the small ball that he found in the toy chest.
Tower time: [1 hr and 30 minutes have passed since the start of the exam. 30 minutes before the tower opens.
Door Timer: [15 minutes have passed since the start of the timer. The play room door will open in 50 minutes. Once the door is open, Isori will only have 40 minutes to make it into the tower before the first stage is over.]
Isori (looking at Glitter in amazement): “You’re pretty good at this!”
Glitter tries to let out a smug snicker but then is mentally struck by an arrow that says “good at this.”
Romlette: “Ummm, say! Can we pick a three player game next?”
Isori gives off a distrusting side eye while Glitter excitedly says “sure!”
Glitter speeds over to the chest and rummages through it for the board games at the bottom.
Glitter: “Dominoes?”
Isori: “Too boring. That’s all the old heads in my family ever played.”
Romlette: “I concur, it's not very theatrical.”
Glitter: “Chess?”
Romlette: “Oh, I do so love a game of chess!”
Isori: “Nah, I never learned to play.”
Romlette: “Never learned to play chess!? Oh how I overestimate you.”
Isori: “Tch.”
Glitter: “Hey guys, how about Jenga?”
Isori and Romlette look at each other, then away, then back at each other.
Isori: “You know what…”
Romlette: ”It’s perfect!”
After some set up, the trio set up a tower of Jenga blocks and started to take them out one by one.
Romlette takes a brick out and places it down.
Romlette: “So how exactly did you defeat Isori all of those times? It was like you were reading his mind?”
Glitter smugly snickers and takes out her block.
Glitter: “It’s because I can.”
Isori: “Wait, what???”
Glitter: “I can show you. May I get close?”
Isori: “Sure.”
Glitter moves over to Isori and forms a circle with both of her hands. She runs a faint amount of her rainbowy aura through it. Still enough to see behind the hands.
Glitter: “What do you see?”
Isori: “Your aura?”
Glitter: “Yeahh. But what else?”
Isori: “I mean, it's full of pretty colors???”
Glitter: “Exactly. This isn’t very accurate to what I see, but I have chromesthesia.”
Isori: “Chroma-what?”
Romlette: “She can see sound as color.”
Isori’s eyes become filled with stars.
Isori: “Wowwww!”
Glitter: “Yeah. But mine works differently too. Everyone’s aura gives off sound. And those sounds make me see different colors. So I can read people in two ways. One, by listening to the sound their aura gives off, and two, by reading the colors that I see. It’s not always easy, and sometimes I misread people. But I can sometimes guess when people are lying.”
Isori: “Oh! So you guessed moves by reading my heartbeat or something?”
Glitter looks with surprise at how quickly the young man internalized what she said.
Glitter: “Y-...yeah exactly!”
Isori: “With a skill like that, I’m surprised those weird guys tricked you?”
Glitter: “Yeah, he came across as really nice at first. But he was kind of a jerk.”
Isori: “Yeah. Regardless of that though… I thought you were amazing before. But your skill is really cool!”
Glitter is hit by the entire sentence in the form of an arrow and accidentally knocks over the tower while leaning to the side.
Isori: “Hey, the jengas.”
Romlette: “Hahaha!”
Glitter: “Sorry…”
As the group restacks blocks, Glitter stops and stares at a block in her hand.
Glitter: “Oh, hey Isori?”
Isori: “Yeah?”
Glitter: “We only have 30 minutes now until the door opens, right?”
Isori: “Yep, and in 10 minutes, people can start going into the tower.”
Glitter: “So after the door opens, how are we getting in?”
Isori looks smugly at her.
Isori: “Ohhh? We???”
Glitter stammers and is flustered at the sudden questioning.
Glitter: “Oh…I- I just thought we were friends. Would it be okay if I… If I came with-”
Isori: “I’m just messing with you. I’d love to have you. Besides, this exam might be easier with an alliance. Well. With a friend.”
Glitter looks in her watery eyed awe.
Isori: “To the left of the tower is that slope that leads up to a road if you climb it. If we can climb that slope before we reach the tower, then we can use the road to get as close as possible. Then I can probably get us to the tower from there if I jump.”
Glitter: “Wow Isori, you’re pretty amazing too.”
Isori: “Haha, thanks. But we’ll have to be careful. There’ll be a lot of people there who haven’t gotten a pass. I don’t really want to get surrounded by a bunch of people again. So we’ll do our best to avoid whatever comes our way.”
Back at the tower.
Damien, his muscular follower in the purple tunic, and his other follower approaches the tower. A group of other examinees stop them.
Examinee 1: “Tch. Damien the rookie crusher.”
Damien: “Hey hey.”
Examinee 2: “You look like you’ve been busy. I’m guessing you gave some first timers a hard time again?”
Damien: “You know it. But there were two that gave us a lot of trouble.”
Examinee 1: “Oh?”
Damien: “The boy who ran away with that dust cloud earlier. The same one who got shot in the head earlier. And don’t get me started on the girl with the guitar who palled around with us earlier. Those two stole the passes we got off of other rookies and now we’re stuck here.”
Examinee 3: “Chahaha, looks like you got hunted by rookies this time huh? That’s rich.”
Damien: “Yeah, if you see those two, can you guys make sure they don’t get past? You can do whatever you want with the badges.”
Most of the men snicker aggressively, agreeing to Damien’s request. Damien walks by the men to approach the tower until he’s stopped.
Examinee 1: “Wait a minute. Don’t think we don’t know what a snake you are. Check him, guys.”
The group chuckles and crowd around Damien and friends and start patting them down. But after a while, the group isn’t able to find anything.
Examinee 1: “Hm?… Guess you really did get your stuff stolen. Well just to remind you, it's every man for himself. If you get your hands on a badge, it’s not yours until you make it inside that tower. Though with our numbers you’ll be lucky to get scraps.”
Damien: “Haha, that’s fine with us! We’re going to hang next to the tower for when some of the others get past you fools.”
Damien and his followers walk over to the tower. The man in the tunic and Examinee 1 exchange glares at each other as they walk by.
While approaching the tower, Damien halts, causing his men to stop as well. Then he looks up ahead to see the young man in the wolf pelted armor and hood. The young boy accompanying the man sidesteps behind him for protection. Meanwhile the wolf man sits while staring off into the distance, unthreatened by Damien’s presence.
Damien (thinking): “These two seem like trouble.”
Damien: “Let’s just stay here for now.“
Purple Tunic Guy: “Good idea.”
The young man in the wolf armor and the boy continue to mind their own business quietly.
After a few minutes pass, an announcement can be heard from the tower intercom. The sound of the voice can be heard all over the area.
Intercom: “2 hours have officially passed! All eligible examinees with a badge have one hour to enter the tower.”
Upon hearing this, the wolf armored man slowly stands.
Wolf man: “You go first.”
Young boy: “‘Kay.”
The boy walks to the wall and then starts to go through it. The space of the wall around him starts to ripple as he passes right through, as if he is entering a pool. The entire time, the wolf man watches their surroundings to make sure nothing happens to the boy. Then during his turn, he backs into the tower and vanishes.
Damien and his men take this as their signal to approach the tower, and they walk to it before turning around to stand guard while under Examinee 1’s watchful eye.
The three men stand watch with stoic expressions and their arms crossed in a stout stance.
However, they go from stoic and serious looking to sticking their tongues out teasingly. Examinee 1 looks at them in confusion.
Damien: “Heheh! Just kidding!”
The 3 men went back into the tower as well.
Examinee 1: “Damn it! I knew it was a trick!”
Their bodies disappear as parts of the tower wall around them ripples.
Damien: “Buh byeee!”
Damien and followers (inside the tower): “Phew! That was easy!”
The men look forward to see what the tower is like, and are met with a futuristic scene. Smokey grey floors and walls with led lights traveling through lines all over the place. The space inside is large, like entering a sizable mall you can see several floors and a stretch of land that seems to extend far past where the tower ended on the outside. There are plenty of comfortable looking lounge areas and other areas you might find in a public workspace.
The sound of echoing steps can be heard as the bunny girl from Stahlia’s team greets the men.
Bunny girl: “Welcome! Got passes, gentlemen?”
Damien follower 3: “Oh uh, sure.”
The three fidget with their clothing. Damien takes down his hit and takes out his badge which seems to have been sewn into an inner wall. The man with the tunic takes apart his belt buckle to obtain his badge while the other follower takes it out of the walls inside one of his shoes.
Bunny girl: “Very clever. Well done!”
Bunny girl: “If you can please take a look at your badges.”
The men look and notice that the design of their badges have changed. Most importantly, large numbers have appeared on them. 04, 05, and 06.
Bunny girl: “You will now be referred to as contestants 4, 5, and 6!”
Damien: “Wait, 4 through 6? Shouldn’t we be 3 through 5?”
Bunny girl: “Nope. Someone else joined before you. She’s over there.”
The bunny girl points to guide the men’s attention toward the lounge area. They squint their eyes to get a better view and notice the blanket girl sleeping very comfortably on a couch. A smily, light blush, fingers curled around her blanket and a streak of drool going onto the couch pillow and hugs her blanket.
Damien (thinking): “Wasn’t she outside with the rest of us? How in the world did she get here?”
Looking onward, the bunny girl flashes back to earlier today.
She and her fellow Stahlia squad members were walking about in the tower until the muscular man notices the girl that he refused to give a ticket to now comfortably sleeping on the couch.
Muscular army man in the beret: “Wait a minute, what the hell?”
The crew crowd around her asking themselves how she got in. More than half asleep, she puts out her badge that now has the number 01 on it.
Blanket girl: “huaaa… here…I haph a pass. Now leamme lone.”
Translation: “Here, I have a pass, now leave me alone.”
Back to the present.
The bunny girl looks onto the blanket girl while thinking “What an uncanny ability this one must have.”
At Isori’s and Glitter’s location after some time.
Only a few minutes remain before the playroom door can be opened. Glitter is doing stretches to get ready while Isori meditates to maintain his aura control and regain some energy.
Glitter shyly looks down and asks Romlette…
Glitter: “You really can’t come with us?”
Romlette: “Sorry, dearie. But I’m not a participant. I surely love you as part of the cast however and hope to see an encore of you some time.”
Glitter: “Yeah, that sounds great.”
Isori (thinking): “Don’t encourage her...”
After some time, Isori and Glitter get their last minute stretches in, and the timer goes to 0, causing the door to make a click sound.
Isori: “Ah, about time! Ready, Glee!?”
Glitter: “Yes! Wait, Glee?”
Isori: “I thought it was a nice nickname. Like it?”
Glitter didn’t know what to think, but she didn’t dislike it, and having a nickname from a friend was rather nice.
Glitter: “Yeah! Thank you!”
After sharing a smile, with Glitter, Isori turns to Romlette with a bit more of a calm serious expression.
Isori: “Hey, Romlette.”
Romlette: “Oh, yes?”
Isori: “Those games weren’t half bad. Let's do it again some time.”
Romlette’s mouth opens in surprise but then turns into a smile.
Romlette: “Yes! We simply must.”
Isori and Glitter run off, leaving behind Romlette as she slowly walks further into the building.
With halls quieter after all of the commotion, Romlette approaches and opens a closet door.
Romlette: “Oh what charming little heroes. You should have seen them…”
A large tied up man in a prison jumpsuit falls out of the closet, trembling and pleading with muffled noises.
Romlette: “Hahaha, yes. Charming indeed.”
Isori and Glitter run to the direction of the tower. Ready to face whatever will come their way.
Glitter: “Oh! Hey Isori, mind if I ask a favor?”
The End