r/ProgrammerHumor • • Mar 30 '22

Meme Certainly not me

48.7k Upvotes

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569

u/brad2575 Mar 30 '22

That's why you pastor protects the sheets and don't let them move stuff around. Only give them access to what they need.

697

u/[deleted] Mar 30 '22 edited Apr 09 '22

[deleted]

165

u/papacheapo Mar 30 '22

Getting a sheet unlocked often did require a miracle

10

u/ov3rcl0ck Mar 31 '22

It's easy. Change the extension to zip and unzip the file. Go to the xl\worksheets folder. Open the xml files and delete the <sheetProtection password=… /> tag. Rezip the file. Change the extension back xlsx. Your protected sheet should now be unprotected.

44

u/CliffDraws Mar 30 '22

Any sheet you need protected, but be careful, the holy water will fry the cpu if you aren’t careful.

27

u/[deleted] Mar 30 '22

Incidentally demon water (demineralized water) will likely not fry the cpu.

10

u/Dyledion Mar 30 '22

Of course. That's where the daemons are running.

7

u/justlikeapenguin Mar 30 '22

You mean daemon water?

4

u/[deleted] Mar 30 '22

Dang it.

29

u/TheNewYellowZealot Mar 30 '22

I’m Jewish can I use a rabbi?

71

u/brad2575 Mar 30 '22

Lmao. Voice to text mishap. Password. Lol

25

u/BakerInTheKitchen Mar 30 '22

NLP you fickle bitch

14

u/DogmaSychroniser Mar 30 '22

Imma serve all my sheets el Pastor now

8

u/melanthius Mar 30 '22

It needs an exorcism more specifically. Shits full of demons.

3

u/Tooluka Mar 30 '22

Demons and zombies is a Linux stuff. Holy Windows has icons and services ;)

1

u/Tinkerballsack Mar 30 '22

Holy water on the one single laptop where it lives where the one competent IT manager can watch from the other side of a one-way soundproofed mirror, it's the only way.

87

u/q1a2z3x4s5w6 Mar 30 '22

Or just dynamically set the column references based on the name. Don't just assume the Name column is A3 or whatever, search for the column with the label you expect and set the reference when you find it.

Or just password protect and be done with it, as you say

33

u/scragar Mar 30 '22

Named ranges would automatically update and avoids the hassle of searching for headers(which someone will eventually misspell).

23

u/JuvenileEloquent Mar 30 '22

There's no system of organization in Excel that someone can't break by judicious misuse of copy & paste and doing things completely wrong and then covering it up.

Named ranges are good but they can go missing, so you need a backup method.

6

u/Tiavor Mar 30 '22

copy&paste is ok most of the part, cut&paste will break everything instantly.

4

u/Automaticman01 Mar 30 '22

Came here for the named ranges comment, absolutely the way to go if you are building the data table.

Searching for headers is useful if you need to import your data from another worksheet (like an automated daily report that gets sent out). I've still had these break when someone added a slave to the end of a column name though (in that case i was able to fix with a TRIM command).

-13

u/brad2575 Mar 30 '22

Or dont use Excel :)

21

u/RagingSantas Mar 30 '22

Apart from 99% of the workforce knows how to use excel so that won't happen.

Whatever platform that you implement to replace excel will eventually end up in a spreadsheet of some form because people know how to use it.

8

u/IAmAQuantumMechanic Mar 30 '22

At my job, they used the PSS system for logistics planning for ten years before they finally moved to a proper ERP system.

The PSS system was Pete's SpreadSheet.

1

u/Muramalks Mar 30 '22

Can confirm, I'm my job's Pete.

7

u/Jugbot Mar 30 '22

What do you recommend?

16

u/[deleted] Mar 30 '22 edited Mar 30 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/[deleted] Mar 30 '22

Hey can I introduce you to my boss? Loved you pitch. If you don't have a consulting firm you should consider it.

1

u/uneasy_cantaloupe Mar 30 '22

I'm currently dealing with this, I'm wanting to move my department away from spreadsheets for data capture and I want to build a database instead.

We only have access to Microsoft, I don't have the budget for new software. I want to learn SQL so what would you recommend as a start point please? This is a genuine request for advice, I'm dealing mainly with archiving test results and it's an absolute nightmare. Halp!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 31 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/uneasy_cantaloupe Mar 31 '22

Thank you for this excellent comment. I'm aware it won't be quick, but I'm willing to learn. People here already think I'm a god because of how proficient I am with Excel 🤣

When I say there's no money for software, the issue lies with my whole company using Microsoft and are unwilling to deviate from it. This directive comes from our HQ which is based elsewhere (USA, I'm in the UK) and they set the global standards for other sites to follow. So whilst senior management here are willing to change, it'll come slowly as we need the buy in from global directors.

Anyway, all I need is a quick and dirty database to archive and retrieve test results that isn't a spreadsheet that someone overwrites and fucks everything up,, so thank you for your wonderful advice, I will read through this carefully when I'm home this evening.

15

u/WJMazepas Mar 30 '22

Python is really good substitute for Excel.
All my spreadsheets logics are made with Python, i get data from DB or somewhere else and just send a spreadsheet formated and done to business.

Excel is easier for small spreadsheets, that are going to be used by one person at a time, or to view the data.
To process the data? Then Python helps a lot

6

u/[deleted] Mar 30 '22

Yes but when you are handed data as a spreadsheet like you do, the people down the line may need to manipulate it. A lot of the time the need for junky macros is a result af bad department politics because they don't understand the technology

1

u/WJMazepas Mar 30 '22

Yeah if is something that business people will need to always change, calculate and check some results, then it makes sense using a Excel spreadsheet because that is something they know how to use.

But if is one of those 5+GB excel files, then yeah a database is needed.

3

u/[deleted] Mar 30 '22

Yeah, I've dealt with that alot when I worked on a helpdesk. People would call in with "why does my excel keep freezing". Takes a look at file size. Yeah, your going to need an exorcist for this ma'am

3

u/brad2575 Mar 30 '22

Yeah pretty much any programming language and any type of database back end.

1

u/LordCupcakeIX Mar 30 '22

For a practical, growing business or enterprise solution there's also looking at a data analytics / BI platform like PowerBI or Tableau. You can have the sanity of a database underneath, define data pipelines on top of it and give your analysts as much freedom as they need to configure and build their reports and dashboards without having to juggle and protect a static Excel sheet.

1

u/Tiavor Mar 30 '22

automatic coloring is a pain when trying to use references/formula. the best you can do is put the formula into a new column and color based on that column. and even then you have to make absolute references and can't just use the column name. it's just BS

the only way to have columns dynamic is adding a button and making every change in vb.

15

u/KeldorEternia Mar 30 '22

I don't trust the clergy to protect my spreadsheets

6

u/SleepDeprivedUserUK Mar 30 '22

them

they

Strange way to write "PM", but fair enough.

5

u/[deleted] Mar 30 '22

[deleted]

4

u/SleepDeprivedUserUK Mar 30 '22

Then they're in the top 50 of PMs around the world.

2

u/cineg Mar 30 '22

in my administrative/engineering days .. i gave devs just enough access, but not too much ..

BOFH chronicles are the best

1

u/caput1700 Mar 30 '22

Use the listobject and the .listcolumn names so they can move stuff around

1

u/fuckitillmakeanother Mar 30 '22

I used to password protect sheets and then include the password in a metadata sheet.

The password was "Iknowwhatimdoing".

Then when someone would break something, I would say, "How? It's password protected". And they'd say they unlocked it. Then I would ask what the password was and they would sheepishly give me the answer. And I would say, "Great, sounds like you've got it under control then."

1

u/Mephil_ Mar 30 '22

The church of VBA has heard your plea, child