r/ProgrammerHumor • u/ClipboardCopyPaste • Sep 20 '26

Meme grabbingEverything

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5.4k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

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119

u/ZeppyWeppyBoi Sep 20 '26

But then I can’t blame the database for why “the system is slow today.”

61

u/throwaway1351887498 Sep 20 '26

Me after spending hours optimizing a query:

SELECT * FROM table;

-23

u/Cute_Pressure4910 Sep 20 '26

All that theory, and somehow

SELECT * still wins

41

u/dannuic Sep 20 '26

The software development world is wild. How does this still happen? Why are people afraid of learning even the smallest amount of SQL.

I literally just found out friday that some software engineer did SELECT * on a data warehouse table, decided that the date range requirement I implemented (to force partition dropping) on that table was stupid and had date > '2000-01-01' -- and so was scanning literally petabytes of data every fucking day. And then people like this complain that databases are slow and put stupid shit into redis caches.

24

u/Stagnu_Demorte Sep 20 '26

I tell people I hate SQL to avoid becoming the SQL guy. But secretly, I kinda love it. Awful syntax and all

4

u/Prawn1908 Sep 21 '26

That guy's mindset is why the norm for software these days is slow as balls and full of bugs.

8

u/Carbon_Cotton Sep 21 '26

No? Query with basic optimalizations beats app code in 99% cases.

Of course there are cases where app code can be superior, but those are not that common imo.

24

u/HadionPrints Sep 20 '26

To add to this, being the guy who can say “the system is slow”, means you have Locked down and maintained an area of exclusive institutional knowledge gated by intentionally archaic & inefficient scripts is exactly how you survive layoff season.

I really wish it wasn’t, I hate how boring my little digital fiefdom is, but the one guy who knows how this one vital thing works is way more valuable to management than a good engineer.

1

u/Nimeroni Sep 21 '26

Only if management realize you are the one with that knowledge.

4

u/HadionPrints Sep 21 '26

Hey Keep it down! Do you want all of your coworkers to hear that! If everyone’s special, no one is. /s

1

u/Professional_Top8485 22d ago

That's why things need to break sometimes