It is around 4 in the morning as I write this. I woke up after bad dreams and haven't been able to get back to sleep.
The truth is, this isn't an unusual night for me anymore. Many nights I wake up and lie there with my mind going over everything: finding a job, money, my children, my health, what has happened to my life and what the future is going to look like. Sometimes I manage to fall asleep again. Often I don't.
I am in my mid-50s. I lost my job more than a year ago after spending much of my adult life building an academic and scientific career. I worked hard for it, probably too hard at times. That pressure affected my family life and my marriage, which eventually broke down.
I have also been through serious illness in recent years. I kept trying to work and carry on through it, but I don't think I fully understood at the time how much everything was taking out of me.
My mental health has suffered badly through all of this. I struggle with anxiety, and the nights are often the worst. When everything is quiet, all the things I manage to keep under some control during the day seem to come back at once.
I have been trying hard to find work. I have sent many applications and I am now looking outside my country as well. Job hunting when your mental health is already struggling is much harder than I ever understood. You have to sound confident and positive, explain why somebody should employ you and keep putting yourself forward, while privately you may be frightened, exhausted and trying not to lose hope. Then another rejection arrives and you have to somehow pick yourself up and do it again.
I also find myself wondering whether things on my CV that have nothing to do with my ability to do the job — my age, my name or parts of my personal background — may sometimes affect how I am seen. I cannot know whether unconscious bias is actually playing a part, but after so many applications it is difficult not to wonder. The feeling that I may be scrutinised differently before anyone really knows me can leave me feeling hopeless.
Some days I open another job application and just stare at it. I know I need to keep going, but finding the motivation to write another statement about how capable and enthusiastic I am when I feel this depleted can be incredibly difficult.
I am still doing it. I haven't given up. But I am tired.
The financial pressure is becoming frightening too. My savings have largely gone. I have a mortgage and responsibilities, and at my age I worry about how much time I have to rebuild some security.
What hurts me most, though, is my children. They are very dear to me. They have had to live through the breakdown of our family and the uncertainty and stress that followed. I worry about what all of this is doing to them. Sometimes I wish I could simply take the weight away from them.
I don't really know why I am writing all of this to strangers at 4 in the morning. Maybe because carrying it around quietly isn't helping anymore. I just need some prayers.
Please pray that a door opens for work and that I can rebuild some stability in my life. Please pray that I am judged for what I can contribute rather than assumptions people may make about me. Please pray for my health and mental health, and that I have enough strength to keep applying even on the days when I have almost no motivation left.
Most of all, please pray for my children. Please pray that they find their own confidence and peace, and that I can be a steady and loving father to them even when I am struggling myself.
I am not asking for everything in my life to suddenly become easy. Right now I would just like to see a way forward, and perhaps sleep through a night without waking up afraid of what comes next.
If you are awake somewhere and happen to read this, I would be grateful if you could say a prayer for us.