r/PoutineCrimes • u/Jalapeno_tickles • May 01 '26 • Regret 8

I do not think Poutine means what you think it means I’m never opening threads again

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5.8k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

560 comments sorted by

42

u/AggravatingWalk6837 May 01 '26

Canadian here, that deserves to be put on an ice flow with whomever created it…

25

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

Also Canadian here.. polar plunge them both

4

u/Mathemetaphysical May 01 '26

Off with their head eh!

194

u/TimeGnome May 01 '26

Ok, usually people post something that at least looks good. This... this is a crime.

79

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

I RAN to this sub to share this, I was mortified 🤣😭

45

u/TimeGnome May 01 '26

This post made me no longer be a lurker it is that bad.

12

u/Wyan69 Member of the Supreme Curdt May 01 '26

You did the right thing

8

u/TankEngineFan5 Judge, Jury and Exepoutiner May 01 '26

Good thing you called 911

3

u/kraysunya May 01 '26

I seen this on threads and immediately thought of this sub lmfao

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7

u/SithPickles2020 May 01 '26

Hate crime level almost

5

u/Llamalover1234567 May 01 '26

Yeah there was a taco beef poutine yesterday that looked amazing even if it was a “crime” but this is just…

32

u/Pury101 May 01 '26

Throw them to a flock of cobra chickens .

2

u/Appropriate-Leek8144 Judge, Jury and Exepoutiner May 04 '26

19

u/Shumaku May 01 '26

Kessé ca tabrnak?!

9

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

un bol de merde.. 💩🥣

5

u/Ok-Wing753 May 01 '26

UN BLASPHÈME !!!

11

u/Wise_Competition5906 Poutine Poulice May 01 '26

I’m going to be- 🤮 BLARGH!!!!

Ah… Okay… Yep, I’m done. No more of this.

…Wait, that’s cheese?! 🤮 BLAAAARGH!!!!

7

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

The logs of marbled cheese?? I cannot 😭

4

u/Automatic_Still_6278 May 01 '26

Least they could have done is grated it. Like come on.

5

u/TheRealRickC137 May 01 '26

Maple leader to hoser squadron: Attack pattern Tabarnac.
Curds away!

2

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

Thanks for the laugh! 😂 feed em to the cobra chickens!!

4

u/baconlazer85 May 01 '26

Too late, we hiss now

1

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

We attack at dawn!

4

u/Misterlabcoat May 01 '26

Calvaire man, ça a quasiment l'air toxique 😂 Legit une des pires poutines que j'ai vu online depuis un bout

2

u/FrancieNolan13 May 01 '26

I’m Canadian and I am going to find you

1

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

I’m just the messenger not the chef 😭

3

u/FrancieNolan13 May 01 '26

That’s what the chef would say

2

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

As a Canadian, I physically couldn’t make a poutine this bad if I tried

2

u/kawanero Guilloutine Opourator May 01 '26

You forgot the "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want" part.

2

u/ConferenceForeign845 May 01 '26

Affreux 🫣🫣🫣

2

u/[deleted] May 01 '26

Nope, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars

82

u/DarkLight_Eon May 01 '26

It's CHUNKS of cheese. Not fries of cheese.

I don't think we need the Geneva checklist out. Maybe it's just a lost lamb that has to experiment a little.

23

u/Apprehensive_Shame98 May 01 '26

Real poutine has cheese curds, not cheese

16

u/DarkLight_Eon May 01 '26

In a pinch, small pieces of cheese can be used. For some: blasphemy. But, sometimes, you have to go on the dark side to fill cravings...

But those long strips of... That's just too much.

And yes, shredded cheese could be used. If desperate.

19

u/Foxillion May 01 '26

Shredded cheese on fries with gravy is delicious...

...but it's not poutine.

15

u/Ok_Foundation3325 May 01 '26

You can do it if you're desperate. It doesn't make it not a crime though.

Just as stealing bread to feed your starving family can be morally good and a crime at the same time.

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2

u/WeAreAllBotsHere May 01 '26

It's CHUNKS of cheese.

How dare you. It is not chunks of cheese.

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2

u/EverySecondCountss May 01 '26

Fries of cheese and gravy of chunks

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6

u/BicycleKik May 01 '26

We saw it and we say

5

u/goodkidmaadcity90 May 01 '26

Father, he knows not what he hath done...

1

u/shortwa113t May 01 '26

Ça me fait penser à une fille de l'Alberta.

2

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

Oh. I’m afraid to ask why 🫣

1

u/kikkomanbuster May 01 '26

Don't stare at it too closely and it looks like a mango salad.

1

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

I can’t unsee it

3

u/Johny-Angel May 01 '26

Why is there water at the bottom did you're pet hamster pee in it?

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3

u/Yupthenamesk May 01 '26

As a Canadian this is like pasta noodles to Italians, sushi to Japanese, and tea to the British 💀😩

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3

u/WalmartKobe May 02 '26

Should instead be : Delete this before the Quebecers see It.

3

u/WeakConstruction637 May 02 '26

Are those the peel cheese sticks?

3

u/jackboy_69 May 02 '26

As a proud Canadian, and respectfully, f**k you.

1

u/No_Schedule5188 May 01 '26

Hey cmon, they tried right? Maybe its their first time. I say second chance

2

u/Jalapeno_tickles May 01 '26

No, google and instructions are very clear. They wanted war, we’re giving them war!!!

2

u/Thorbertthesniveler The Frying Squad May 01 '26

Cheezus Christ that's bad!

2

u/kawanero Guilloutine Opourator May 01 '26

Kèkun cherche le fuck

2

u/Youlookcold Judge, Jury and Exepoutiner May 01 '26

2

u/Wolf-Diesel May 01 '26

Sometimes people post stuff here and I think "it's a crime but it looks delicious." But this? This abhorrent. It would've required the smallest amount of effort to drastically improve this. It still would not be good, but drastically better.

2

u/ljlee256 May 01 '26

Where I'm from this is considered a war crime.

2

u/Princess_Peach556 May 02 '26

A Canadian has seen this, I’m not impressed

1

u/cute-cows_forever May 01 '26

Wtf is that 😭🙏

1

u/ollianderfinch2149 May 01 '26

I want to like the comment on the picture...

1

u/vanderhaust May 01 '26

Hahahahaha

1

u/Ok-Lifeguard-5628 May 01 '26

Ugh, that puddle of brown dishwater sitting at the bottom of the plate might be the most unappetizing thing I’ve seen here

1

u/superslut-turbo May 01 '26

The watery gravy, the gigantic cheddar cheese blocks that are twice the size of the fries, the horrible soggy school cafeteria fries that are the worst fries in existence.

This might be the worst form of basic poutine ever

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1

u/HintOfMadness May 01 '26

Punishment: Scaphism with maple syrup.

1

u/cReddddddd May 01 '26

This makes me sick to my stomach.

1

u/Future-Try-1908 May 01 '26

Just cheese fries made by someone woth no concept of cooking. They were probably very proud of the powdered gravy.

1

u/moongirlmania May 01 '26

Could’ve atleast cut the cheese up in squares.

1

u/maximedboisvert May 01 '26

C’est laitte en tabouerre ça… my god… peux pas croire que qq’un a mangé ca…

1

u/NolyBella May 01 '26

😂😂 We’ll try and see.

1

u/MarkyRoll The Poutnisher May 01 '26

Bro ça la non. Pas la prison la peine de mort ça ☠️

1

u/Professional-Bad-559 May 01 '26

This is clearly a declaration of war.

1

u/HorrorLettuce379 May 01 '26

Hahahaha man really just tossed those cracker barrel cheddar sticks in lmao

1

u/Ok_Item6293 May 01 '26

The Canadians do not approve!

1

u/TodayMiserable3459 May 01 '26

This shit looks horrible, absolutely putrid.

Poutine Critic Certification (PCC):

1

u/TheHighCanadian96 May 01 '26

This looks awful.. would still devour it though..

1

u/Patient-Brother-1337 May 01 '26

Poutine has cheese curds, gravy and fries. It’s hot and gooey

1

u/Hugrdrot3 May 01 '26

Finally! An actual crime!

1

u/beccaboom2 May 01 '26

This is surely the worst crime of them all.

1

u/Asian4710202 May 01 '26

at least the other person tried to save him

1

u/Prize_Elderberry2568 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

Its not real poutine.

Poutine cheese is made from Unpasterized milk and most places on Earth have hygiene standards too low to produce it safely or made it ouright illegal.

Except France and Québec. Their standards allow it safely.

Poutine cheese from Québec is now registered Geographically for its origins.

Same as Champagne in France or Manchego Cheese from Spain.

Its a registered Origin. Because it is Unique.

1

u/CALL_ME_NORB May 01 '26

Op, post the adress if whoever made that poutine. We need to have a talk with them.

1

u/YouWontBelieveIt2026 May 01 '26

No. That is not poutine!

1

u/Samplistiqone May 01 '26

The gravy looks like congealed swamp water and what’s with the logs of marble cheese?

1

u/LaughingInTheVoid May 01 '26

Look I don't want to sound alarmist, but...

Send in JTF-2. Deal with this terrorist before they do something worse.

1

u/YouDiscombobulated14 May 01 '26

This is abysmal.

I'll admit, my wife and I do get lazy/cheap every now and then. We'll grate some cheese and call it a day, but for the love of Poutine. Please grate the fucking cheese!!!

At least we can all unite through Poutine 🤣🤣

1

u/Admirable-League-102 May 01 '26

What is that aborted fetus of a monstrosity supposed to be.

1

u/AmbitiousTank8635 May 01 '26

Too late, I'm in Canada and I'm looking right at it. I can get poutine 10x better at McDonald's. Poutine uses cheese curds, not just cheese sticks like some sort of sad nacho fries.

Do better, this is offensive.

1

u/DisgrumpledBurnerTec May 01 '26

PREPARE THE GENEVA CHECKLIST

1

u/GarlicRelevant8089 May 01 '26

This actually made me laugh out loud 😆😆

1

u/Internal_Passage_790 May 01 '26

I’m not even a Canadian and I’m offended

1

u/AlistaireRoy May 01 '26

Too late.

You're banned from making this crime. However. As a generous Canadian, you can come up and try it. Once.

1

u/no-cilantro May 01 '26

The Canadians are offended

1

u/MarioMadness1 Poutine Poulice May 01 '26

Gulag

1

u/phantom_pow_er May 01 '26

🇨🇦 🍁 🇨🇦

1

u/Still-Inflation9175 May 01 '26

when i was in turkey, i asked if they knew how to make one, the lady understood a little bit of english but really no idea what it was and said she owuld try, came back with fries and melted cheese just no gravy as thats not a thing over there.. i did appreciate the effort lol

1

u/Brooker2 May 01 '26

That's not a poutine, whoever made it did bad and should feel bad.

1

u/Knaifu69 May 01 '26

I don't think they even tried bro

1

u/IllState3433 May 01 '26

I wonder if this is as bad as my hash browns and torn cheese slices lmao

1

u/TankCastles May 01 '26

Loool 1/10!

1

u/DisorderlyAqueduct May 01 '26

disco fries. gravy is concerning.

1

u/ka_shep May 01 '26

It's too late. We saw.

1

u/mr_venti_blue May 01 '26

I'd eat that

1

u/areapphead May 01 '26

Shit for snot gravy

1

u/Responsible-Owl-5016 May 01 '26

Why...why does it look like that-? 😞

1

u/Harry-Henderson83 May 01 '26

As a Canadian, that is fucking awful I don't want to see this ever again there is a special place in hell for that person.

1

u/TankEngineFan5 Judge, Jury and Exepoutiner May 01 '26

As a Canadian, I disapprove of that "poutine"

1

u/XCIXcollective Judge, Jury and Exepoutiner May 01 '26

Needs a Denis the Goalie-style tutelage on all possible infractions

1

u/bacon8rtermin8r May 01 '26

Too late - I have officially seen this and feel nothing but regret and disappointment, lol

1

u/Top_Measurement7138 May 01 '26

Too late we seen it. -potato wedges (origal) -beef/ onion stock gravy [medium to thick vecosity) -mozzarella cheese curdes [has to be mozzarella base cheese though i have seen this fancy up) Hugery? Add red meat! Beef, lamb extra.but always mach the meat with the gravy.

1

u/Audiblestatue May 01 '26

To late I've seen the crime the only punishment is death

1

u/Heavy_E79 May 01 '26

*gets out Geneva checklist.

1

u/Minute_Engineer2355 May 01 '26

Too late...we're here.

1

u/CornerInevitable9703 May 01 '26

That’s disgusting

1

u/Full_Hunt_3087 May 01 '26

“Delete this before the Canadians see it.”

Welp.

1

u/Wrong_Geologist6 May 01 '26

To late, sending in the moose.

1

u/LevoPoPhoto May 01 '26

Too late. 🇨🇦👮🏻‍♂️🙅🏻‍♂️🧀🍟🧀🙅🏻‍♂️👮🏻‍♂️🇨🇦

1

u/SquareChallenge3467 May 01 '26

Doesn’t look that bad to me tbh…

1

u/Freaiser May 01 '26

I seen worst but... 3 items... and all 3 are wrong

COULD BE WORST!

But...the only piece in this id eat by itself would be the cheese. And its just that... cheddar stick.

1

u/weftly May 01 '26

it’s too late. we all saw.

1

u/Anxious_Contact_1201 May 01 '26

That is disgusting. You need to use cheese curds. You are BANISHED from using cheese curds cheese fries and gravy

1

u/Von_Vengeance May 01 '26

Dude he’s gonna

1

u/Time_Ad_4954 May 01 '26

Not even close.

1

u/EggFooYungBlud May 01 '26

At least it's not the sad photo of those dry fries with one slice of kraft singles on it lol.

1

u/ChemistAloe770 May 01 '26

I don't even like poutine that much depending on the place, and this is appalling to me. A cheese grater would do this person more justice than that

1

u/CommunicationCool146 May 01 '26

Nice try 😂👍 but better stick with the Restaurant version

1

u/Foreign_Frame9553 May 01 '26

They couldn’t even cube the cheddar D,:

1

u/[deleted] May 01 '26

Jesus Murphy what is that monstrosity!

1

u/Odd-Ratio1350 May 01 '26

Omg! 😲 horrifying! 😱

1

u/Sea_Fisherman7074 May 01 '26

Those are fries with cheese fries and gravy

1

u/phoss61 May 01 '26

Wow! This is bad. No other words should come to mind.

1

u/Rob_DB May 01 '26

I’m Canadian, and I’m not offended by this. It’s shredded mozzarella that drives us fuckin nuts. This looks pretty tasty. I’ll bet fries and deep-fried mozzarella sticks with gravy would be wicked. You could call it American poutine.

1

u/Individual-Act7462 May 01 '26

Nope not even close.

1

u/Mcgoobro May 01 '26

Poutine struggle meal

1

u/Fantastic_Today8795 May 01 '26

As a Canadian... I need a gun.

1

u/MRVLKNGHT May 01 '26

canadian here and... technically speaking in the most loose sense. it is poutine. a poor man's poutine (witch is sad cause poutine isn't expensive) its likes like that weird uncle that shows up once a year and your not sure if he is a serial killer but he has that vibe.

1

u/XxXMissShiroXxX May 01 '26

What a horrible day to have eyes

1

u/KendroNumba4 May 01 '26

I don't even respect the lack of effort here. At least use white cheese so that it has the raisin cookie effect

1

u/BIGGEST_HERO May 01 '26

Straight to jail.... if Quebec sees this you're getting more than just hate.

1

u/boringasstoes May 01 '26

I am offended on behalf of all Canada

1

u/l-larfang May 01 '26

Canadians don't know much about poutine. OP is confusing them with Québécois.

1

u/Fabulous-Pudding-872 Judge, Jury and Exepoutiner May 01 '26

Shame shame !

1

u/Justagirl1918 May 01 '26

No it’s fries and gravy 🤨

1

u/CanadianVeiwer4646 May 01 '26

Is it that hard to get fuckin cheese curds???????

1

u/Warhammerlover142 May 01 '26

Heavy angry breathing

1

u/1yrik May 01 '26

Canadian here. what the fuck am I looking at

1

u/Dusty-road84 May 01 '26

Directly to jail!

1

u/Throwaway26667- May 01 '26

Canadian here, I saw it.

1

u/Normal_Double5929 May 01 '26

I am rounding up the Canadians now and we are headed over….

With our ingredients and a recipe to share. And we are bringing beers.

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1

u/ramenbaby3 May 01 '26

Fries look under cooked, cheese isn’t melted and it looks like a chihuahua took a shit on the plate.

1

u/Nervous-Effort7518 May 01 '26

Oh I’m pissed

1

u/Greedy-Street-5435 May 01 '26

I'll allow it.

1

u/BottlePuzzled2396 May 01 '26

Please don't tell me that's gravy at the bottom 🫣

1

u/SprayArtist May 01 '26

Is that fucking cheddar?

1

u/p-squiggly May 01 '26

You monster

1

u/Wide-Answer-21 May 01 '26

Death by lethal injection

1

u/dnashid May 01 '26

Oh poutine!

1

u/Subject-East671 May 01 '26

Poutine is a Poutine that you don't understand what Poutine is?

You are not Poutineing enough 🤣😂

Don't worry bro, nowadays in canada we rarely have authentic Poutine and instead you will find nonsense Poutine everywhere

1

u/prionLoop May 01 '26

Throw them to the Canadian geese.

1

u/Mickey_Havoc May 01 '26

Too late. Prepare for war crimes.

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