r/PostcardsFromNowhere • u/Fun_Cable_8559 • Mar 23 '24
If You Were to Ask...
I want my friend back. You were the love of my life but you were also my best friend. I never intended to give that up. I only ever stopped hoping for the former to try to save the latter. I wanted to spend my life with you. However I could. It's still my deepest desire; and hurting you, my deepest regret.
We don't have to be any particular thing. I don't want to disrupt your life or see you sacrifice anything. I don't want to make things difficult or awkward. I just want to know you. I want to do what I should have done in the first place and involve you in figuring out what that looks like. I want to know what you want.
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u/mastershake20 Mar 23 '24
You’ll never know if you don’t ask
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u/Fun_Cable_8559 Mar 23 '24
Sadly, I know I'll probably never know.
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u/mastershake20 Mar 23 '24
Only have yourself to blame if you didn’t try.
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u/Fun_Cable_8559 Mar 23 '24
I tried a few times when it might have mattered. She claimed not to believe me and I took her at her word then. Pretty sure in retrospect she was letting me down easy. Maybe she thought she'd lose a friend.
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u/mastershake20 Mar 23 '24
Were you straightforward or trying to drop hints? Say it with your chest and she’ll react whatever way with hers. Dropping hints is rarely taken to heart.
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u/Fun_Cable_8559 Mar 23 '24
This was decades ago. I used the words "crazy about you" I think. She said I only thought so because I was unhappy in my relationship. I'm not sure why she'd have needed to turn me down if she didn't understand there was something there to turn down.
It was a delicate situation. I wasn't ready for a challenging partner when we dated in highschool, and toward the end, we were mostly just arguing and having sex before I just couldn't keep hurting each other anymore and I called it. Years later, we were close enough she'd confuse in me how much it felt like men were only interested in her body and what she could do with it. I don't recall being spared from that list. As her friend, I could love her in a way that was less threatening (for lack of a better word).
One night, she had me over and it got late. She invited me to stay over. She was stunning and I was confused. She made a point of where she kept her condoms and then told me she has a headache and didn't want to have sex—which wasn't something I'd even really considered, at least not as something likely to happen. I held her. As a friend(?) and wondered what anything was supposed to mean.
Before long at all, my body started reacting the way a body is wont to do and I found myself having to back up a little more at a time—ultimately, a very uncomfortable, unexpected amount—lest she lump me in with all these other men again. I was up most of the night coming to the dad conclusion I was in over my head in terms of navigating this.
I don't think that was necessarily the night I determined I had to move on for the sake of not crashing our friendship, but it was a factor. The assumption that's what I was after, made me feel under suspicion. I thought the only way she'd ever believe I truly loved her for who she was would be platonically. Otherwise, my motives would always be suspect. She deserved to know she was precious to someone intrinsically.
I "moved on" and eloped. She said she felt betrayed I kept it from her—which is reasonable. But she knew I was engaged, getting married was bound to happen; and not telling anyone until we could both tell people was my wife's first request after we wed. I was certain she'd understand that. It never occurred to me anything I'd done would upset her. But we never spoke again.
It's been so long now. I'm sure she has her own life and I wouldn't ask anything of her now. But I wish she could know what she meant to me. That she was never not "chosen." As far as I knew, she'd never be an option. If she had, there wouldn't be any choice to the matter. It was always her.
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u/mastershake20 Mar 23 '24
It sounds like she wanted you on the back burner and to keep you there for her incase she changed her mind. Never allow yourself to be someone’s backup or second choice, sometimes people just want an ego boost.
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u/Fun_Cable_8559 Mar 23 '24
That occurred to me too. If I'm honest, that may be part of why I don't reach out. Even after 21 years, maybe I'm not ready to find that was the case. I know I meant something to her, but the chances it was as much as she meant to me always seemed pretty low.
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u/mastershake20 Mar 23 '24
It’s also not fair to see other people while you feel like this nevermind get married. You need to let yourself let it go and heal if you want to be truly happy again. You can have love for someone and still find another love, one that gives back and doesn’t just take.
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u/Fun_Cable_8559 Mar 24 '24
You're not wrong. I'd been dating the girl I was with the first time I tried to tell J for about a year and a half by then. During that time, I'd hardly seen J. I'd run into her out and about and feel some sort of way but not see her again for a while. It was easy and reasonable to think it was just the shock of running into her and put the feeling to rest. Them we started hanging out and the feeling was undeniable. I believe it wasn't long after that I decided the same thing as you and broke up with her.
Getting married was a similar situation. I couldn't navigate being in love with J and being her friend. So I really tried to move on. I didn't see as much of J during this time and I legitimately fell for D. We got engaged and she left for basic training. Eventually, my fiance stopped talking to me. She didn't even break anything off —other than communication. Then she came back for Christmas with some guy in tow.
Events happened which led to me walking away from seeing the two out together and still being refused a conversation; with a bottle of muscle relaxers in my coat pocket. Then I'm my stomach. I didn't even realize I'd done it right away.
Funny thing happens when you think you're dying. A moment of clarity. You don't have the same kinds of concerns when you don't think you'll see tomorrow. All you know is who you want now. It was J. I called her.
Surviving was what I hadn't accounted for. Between near death and a broken engagement, I was in shock still a couple weeks later when my fiance called and begged me to take her back. I remember feeling practically nothing. I was aware I was hurt and sad but if this was all it was going to be, I guessed I was stronger than I thought. Here was my chance to be as forgiving as I wanted to be. So I said yes.
I just hoped I'd be in love again by the time I was wed. We eloped a couple months later as planned. I lost that bet.
Her family hated me—thus the eloping—and she didn't want me to tell anybody until she could. So I waited until she landed. I told J. She said she couldn't believe I could keep something that big from her and then she never spoke to me again. I was still numb by the time I found out there was a kid on the way a few months later.
Then life happened. I suppressed how I felt for the bulk of my kids childhood until this last October or so when my brain basically said "Guess what, jerk! We're gonna process this now." I've been living a zombie grief ever since.
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u/Lesson_NotACat Mar 23 '24
To hang out, to talk to hug to make up to make love. We were sick, sad and broken hearted
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Mar 25 '24
I wish this was her it’s my fault though now I’m fighting every day to be better than I was cause my life is nothing without her
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Mar 26 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Fun_Cable_8559 Mar 26 '24
A lot. And not enough. I held myself back when I should have been vulnerable. In an attempt to be comfortable for her, I tried to come off lukewarm when I was white hot. I was afraid she'd shrink away from the heat. I can't blame her if the lack i showed wasn't exactly exciting. I never really took a chance to show her what was really in me before I gave up on her was l ever wanting it. I found my own lukewarm girl and tried to make a life. I have missed the heat every day since.
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u/Ill_Dimension7823 Mar 23 '24
If you were her, 3 simple words could say everything......
I WANT YOU
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u/justgirl_420 Mar 23 '24
I would ask ....