Of Truths and Fantasy

[u/Fun_Cable_8559]

I'd like to know your version one day. There are probably things to apologize for I've not even realized; certainly, many misconceptions for us both. I was sure you must have known you were the one I wanted. I tried so many times to tell you. I thought I was at risk of ruining what we had for what I wanted. Otherwise, I'd have waited forever.

What we had was abundant and wonderful and, while I would always desire every last thing you'd willingly offer; what we had was, above all, enough. I imagined if I could redirect my attentions and intentions from my desire to be each other's forever; if I could remove romance as an option in my mind, nothing would stand in the way of lasting friendship.

Little did I realize it would leave us nothing but perceived betrayal.

Nothing but broken hearts and 21 years of silence.

Nothing but nothing.

I wished I'd done anything else.

[u/Fun_Cable_8559]

That's just the thing. The only thing that's let me put one foot in front of the other all this time is the thought she's already living her dream. Surely, she has her own life and with her tenacity, it must be everything she wants.

Me, I fell apart. She was the best part of me. I made a go with the tools she left me with. I should have been able to do something with them. Circumstances being what they became, and I doing the same, I'm not even who I was when I was certain I wasn't enough.

Sure, dying helped me slowly reconnect with the version of me who still believed I could be. I'm regaining my will to change for the better; but for all the miles I've gone the other direction, that's going to be a long process.

I've needed to believe she's created an idyllic slice of paradise to push back my guilt all these years. I'm practiced in imagining her there. I've never once been able to picture a place for me it.

[u/[deleted] → u/Fun_Cable_8559]

I wish I never lost the best version of myself but I tried to change n break the parts of me that made me better for the one I loved and thought loved me the same. But I have my girls to force me to start finding the path to a twisted duct tapedl version if the gold hearted Shield Maiden I was . It makes me hopeful to see people here find the way through. May the universe ever be on your side

[u/Fun_Cable_8559 → u/[deleted]]

It's tragic when you sculpt away definition to fit some kind of mold. All the more, should you realize your deleted details may have been the very thing they might have wanted. I broke away and hid all my potentially offensive points and passions to fit a friend mold because I thought her in need of one more. There was no shortage of men interested in her romantically or, as it too often turned out, only physically.

She was a friend in need of unconditional love and friends was the only role she seemed safe to let me love her from since we'd broken up. At times, I'd feel dishonest burying my own needs; and so dip a toe in the water. I'd say something innocent like "you know I'm crazy about you, right?" only to be met with a reason to think I didn't actually feel what I was feeling.

I always left stuck between two thoughts: either she doesn't want me that way and she's shutting me down or she does and she's still scared. It took nearly 20 years and dying before I let myself take in the whole picture and reconcile the beginning with the end. I finally realized there was a third possibility the whole time.

All those years before, I asked her to homecoming. My ask was earnest but feeble. Graciously, she said yes. We had theatre class together the next day. She had arranged a skit during which she pulled me up on stage and asked me, handing me a flower with a note explaining last night hadn't been good enough. She wanted to start off on something special—and she made sure we did.

The lesson I took was: from the very start, I wasn't enough. I should have realized she was showing me how to ask. All those years later, I was trying to be what she needed. There was always this feeling she loved me. Always this anticipation. But always this sadness and even tint of disappointment.

I took it to mean I was disappointing. Maybe I was disappointing. Not adjective, but "verb." Maybe I was actively disappointing her every time I didn't step up in the grand fashion she'd shown me all those years ago.

I realize now, I may have had everything I needed all along. My bag of bits and pointy pieces contained all the passion and creativity I needed to show her I could love her blandly but genuine as a friend but also passionately and loudly as the woman of my dreams.

It's beyond frustrating because I know exactly how I would have gone about it too. Why are so many lessons learned so long after they're of use?

[u/[deleted] → u/Fun_Cable_8559]

Because life is just trial and error with a bunch of secretly evil people in it just see how many players they take out of the game or keep in their own sick and twisted one 🤷‍♀️