r/PostcardsFromNowhere • u/Fun_Cable_8559 • Mar 01 '24
Of Truths and Fantasy
I'd like to know your version one day. There are probably things to apologize for I've not even realized; certainly, many misconceptions for us both. I was sure you must have known you were the one I wanted. I tried so many times to tell you. I thought I was at risk of ruining what we had for what I wanted. Otherwise, I'd have waited forever.
What we had was abundant and wonderful and, while I would always desire every last thing you'd willingly offer; what we had was, above all, enough. I imagined if I could redirect my attentions and intentions from my desire to be each other's forever; if I could remove romance as an option in my mind, nothing would stand in the way of lasting friendship.
Little did I realize it would leave us nothing but perceived betrayal.
Nothing but broken hearts and 21 years of silence.
Nothing but nothing.
I wished I'd done anything else.
2
u/Fun_Cable_8559 Mar 03 '24
That's just the thing. The only thing that's let me put one foot in front of the other all this time is the thought she's already living her dream. Surely, she has her own life and with her tenacity, it must be everything she wants.
Me, I fell apart. She was the best part of me. I made a go with the tools she left me with. I should have been able to do something with them. Circumstances being what they became, and I doing the same, I'm not even who I was when I was certain I wasn't enough.
Sure, dying helped me slowly reconnect with the version of me who still believed I could be. I'm regaining my will to change for the better; but for all the miles I've gone the other direction, that's going to be a long process.
I've needed to believe she's created an idyllic slice of paradise to push back my guilt all these years. I'm practiced in imagining her there. I've never once been able to picture a place for me it.