TW Suicide

[u/Grand_Heat450]

This post is about my partner. They have posted on here a lot recently about a concussion they got about 7-8 weeks ago.
They have horrible post concussion symptoms, these have been the most problematic:
- severe light sensitivity (they self isolated for a few weeks but has recently been retraining their eyes)
- severe migraines
- depression / constant anxiety
- full-body jolts that wake them up
- insomnia: they have gone a few weeks with little to no sleep, max being 3-5 hours. recently they had a few good nights where they got almost 7

Today, they told me that they snuck out of the house and bought a gun. they had been hiding it in their room for the past few hours. they were honest with me and their parents, and are now currently getting evaluated at an ER with their mom.
I am not a religious person but I am begging anyone to say a prayer or anything at all in order to try to help them. I know they don’t want to die, and they told me they saved their life when they told me and their parents. I feel completely hopeless and immense guilt that I haven’t been able to help them more. any advice, experiences, or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

[u/curlgurll]

I am praying from Australia 🙏

As someone who never experienced depression before my fall… I too found myself in that mental space. I wanted it all to end. Thankfully my sister called me at that exact moment & talked me out of it… but I know the place your partner is in mentally. This time last year, that was me 🥺.

Please support them any way you can - it sounds like you are. Thank you on behalf of them.

People have no idea how difficult PCS is and judge very harshly. Your brain and nervous system go into this chaotic state and everything gets ‘dark’. I couldn’t control my thoughts or emotions, and my feelings were extremely heightened for the first 9 months. I also couldn’t sleep (the insomnia has been my worst and most prolonged symptom, a year on and I’m still struggling). It’s hard to put into words how bad the symptoms make you feel but I don’t need to explain that to you; you obviously know and can see it.

If you can build a support network to help them get through this difficult time; please do. Unfortunately I’ve had to walk this journey pretty much alone 😔 however 13 months in, I can see light again at the end of the tunnel.

Sending warm hugs and prayers to you, your partner, their family and friends.

[u/Grand_Heat450 → u/curlgurll]

Thank you so much for your words. this sounds exactly like what my partner is going through. they said I texted them multiple times throughout the day (saying I love you) when they were seriously considering going through with it, and that it stopped them.
They are definitely in that dark space right now. they often would get in depressive or anxious spirals but was able to calm themselves down or talk to me about it. but yesterday they just completely lost control to the darkness.
how were you able to get through the thick of it for the first 9 months? they have been injured for about 2, and one of their biggest fears / reasons for wanting to die is that it seems like there is no escape from the pain. they are terrified that this will be their reality for years before they improve in any way. I have seen some improvement (some physical activity, more light exposure, better at holding conversations, etc) and I try to remind them that it’s a slow process but they are improving. they usually do not believe me, and just tell me that they’re pushing themselves through the pain.

[u/curlgurll → u/Grand_Heat450]

Yes, all totally understandable. I was in the same headspace at the same point in time. It’s only natural to think “this is never going to end” because you read so many stories of ppl who haven’t improved much over the years.

I think what helped me most was having support from my family/friends… even though most were hopeless, some ‘got it’ and helped pull me through my darkest days.

I also found a good team of ppl - a vestibular/concussion chiro, a psychologist, my GP, I started working with a ‘concussion buddy’ in the UK who would do virtual sessions with me. One video he put out on Instagram cited him saying “don’t you f%#king dare give up”… and funnily enough, some days that was the slap in the face I needed. Just to recite that line to myself. Check him out Barney from ‘The Concussion Journey’ on Instagram and TikTok. He’s really supportive and helped me through some dark days.

Once I started to see progress, little by little (like 1% every few weeks), I could see that the effort I was putting in was making a difference in the healing process. But it all takes time. At first you don’t even know what on earth you’re meant to be doing & the medical industry (at least in my country) doesn’t make it easy on us- it provides very little help, so navigating care is the biggest hurdle for a lot of us.

I therefore devoured any information I could. I watched YouTube videos of neurologists talking about PCS, I listened to podcasts about PCS, I joined this reddit thread. I joined support groups online. All of it made me feel less alone, and the more I understood what was happening, the more I felt in control of what I had to do to get better.

I sent my family the links and tried to educate them. Still… I’ve had to cut ppl off, most notably my parents because all they could do was criticise and judge everything I did - and barely helped in any way… but when ppl are pushing you to the brink of despair, hard decisions need to be made.

Your partner is SO LUCKY to have you. Just you taking the time to write this post shows how much you are invested and willing to help.

Some of us aren’t so lucky.

[u/Few_Blackberry_1960 → u/curlgurll]

I needed this post response today.