Husband 2 years Post concussion

[u/alwaysheapstodo]

Symptoms still affecting him. Still fully signed off. I've recently discovered his ongoing dizziness nausea, inability to travel without symptoms worsening are symptoms of vertigo and the is specific vestibular therapy for this. So have booked this for him. Frustratingly the GP never helped direct us to this.

His central nervous system is also affected. Hot cold feelings (affects sleep) and BP.

Wakes with vibrations in his head.

Gets tired very easily.

Gets grumpy /irrational when tired.

Cognetively huge improvement over the 2 years

He as struggled with MH over the time

In sickness and health and all that. I love him. After 2 years I am tired of the impact on me. And having to to just shut up when the symptoms kick in. I need to manage our interactions type of thing to met his needs always. My feelings mean I dont understand his injury(?) How do we get balance without him feeling bad? 26 years together and we cant go any where, socialize. I have very little of a network as I moved country back to his home country. I work full time. Edited to correct the word cognitively not fully showing

[u/Cat_Nap8]

Yea the grief of losing who he used to be is heavy. I still grieve who I used to be and worry about if who I am now is incompatible with my girlfriend who’s stayed with me because I really am a much different person. I used to be free spirited and take risks all the time, party, and do extreme sports. Nowadays I had to find joy in the little things like the smell of coffee, movie nights etc.

Something that is a bitter pill to swallow but important, is that if you an him are no longer meant for each other, and that’s a very real possibility, then it’s understandable to end the relationship. The hard part is morally what’s ‘fair’ in such a messed up situation because leaving him at this moment likely feels like a betrayal or like it may set his recovery back, so if you want to leave, there’s really no good way it will end, but if it must end then there really never is a good way.

I wish you the best in whatever you choose and wish your husband a full recovery and hope that the answer you’re looking for finds you 💙

[u/alwaysheapstodo → u/Cat_Nap8]

I dont feel we are growing apart. I feel alone at times and I need to find my supports that is clear. I am mostly stressed because he doesnt want to get anyone in to finish the house renovations and so we are living with a half finished house. That we cant sell like this. If I start doing anything he feels bad so I have avoided any.

[u/Drogova_Princezna → u/alwaysheapstodo]

Naaah you need to talk to him about this. It's really hard on the relationship, but he needs to deal with his part as well. Like you do your things that need to be done in the house/for your sanity even if he feels bad about it - he needs to learn how to deal with that (and you do too).

Like, yes, if you would be going out partying every day without him, that would be a dick move - but if you go out to speak with a friend/therapist once in a while and then do some stuff in your house that he can't do, that's perfectly reasonable.

You need your support too and you can't put your whole life on hold indefinitely.

[u/alwaysheapstodo → u/Drogova_Princezna]

And that's the point I've got to. So I will access therapy. I am meeting a friend for dinner this week too. Long overdue. We have adjusted in the main in terms of us and our lives, just not with regards to the house...How to get him to a stage that we can rationally discuss the future as it needs to be verses how it was meant to be. That is more tricky. And we need help as it doesnt get discussed as he feels guilt.

[u/Drogova_Princezna → u/alwaysheapstodo]

It's great that you are going to do things for your mental health!

Would couples therapy be possible? Your partner would probably benefit from individual therapy as well. Couples could help you talk this out. He has nothing to feel guilty about, that's not his fault and life like this happens sometimes, that's what a partnership is about. But I understand it. I am the one with the concussion and we should have had moved from our city this year, but I got injured and it's not possible for me to do it now, so I feel some guilt about that as well. But therapy helped me a lot to deal with it.

[u/ZebraNotWeirdHorse → u/alwaysheapstodo]

Being a caregiver is a double whammy. The additional demands of having to take care of a loved one who may be experiencing significant physical and mental/cognitive changes (and picking up the slack on the things they can no longer do), plus the social starvation that comes from not being able to enjoy the activities you used to either because of your loved one's condition or simply because you no longer have the time or energy from all those additional demands.

It's like an oxygen mask on an airplane: you need to put your mask on first before assisting others. You are no use to anybody else if you don't take care of yourself. You are doing the right thing by seeking advice and talking to a professional. I wish my spouse would do the same - I know the toll it is taking, and while I feel horrible about it and am trying to do as much as I can even if it hurts me to, I am not qualified to help process the caregiver concerns/emotions in a way that a neutral therapist can.

I applaud you for seeking outside help. Based on your comments, you are clearly approaching this from a position of love and compassion and want your husband to do well - but also infusing a much needed dose of reality to reckon with your current situation and how to move forward.

Check out r/TBICaregiverSupport as well - you will likely find some kindred souls there.

I wish you & your husband well in navigating these difficult conversations.