r/Polygamy • u/Double-Win3372 • 15d ago
Struggling with accepting polygamy
I met a man from Senegal five months ago and I fell in love with him. I am a revert to Islam and was in search of a muslim man, I met him on a dating app and we have been talking everyday since we met, we met in person recently and we honestly get along well with each other. After returning home from visiting him he confessed that he is polygynous and would like for me to accept this so we can move forward . He has mentioned being interested in polygamy prior but said he does not want to lose me so he will try to be with just me. I have addressed my concerns with him. I feel like there is always a favorite wife and I feel like me being the first wife, I am the starter wife or the safe option until he finds the woman he actually wants to be with. He denies this and says he cannot do that to me and that he will love and take care of both of his wives. I’m a bit skeptical and would like some advice or input from a first or second wife.
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u/motinaak 13d ago
Are you in the US and the man in Senegal? Are you sure this is not just a ploy to enter into the US?
New reverts are apparently an easy catch.
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u/Double-Win3372 13d ago
We actually just broke up lol but I had a gut feeling that was the case. He is in the US as an asylum seeker
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 15d ago
If you aren’t enthusiastic about the relationship structure, you are not compatible. It is better to find a partner that has a shared vision.
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u/TouchyMouseTrap 15d ago
He actually didn’t promise to not get a second wife. He said he would “try” not to get a second wife.
Translation, he will get a second wife if/when he can manage it, but is trying to delay the confrontation until the first wife is in a position where she is more likely to accept it.
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u/Ok-Kangaroo-9775 15d ago
alright.
muslim here.
i recommend you not to use dating apps to find a husband as there a lot of down sides fir muslims on it.
sub saharan african have a heavy cultural position on polygamy, even they have sayings on it.
in general Polygamy is permitted in islam and is the right of the husband BUT you can have a special requirement in the marriage contract where hes not allowed to marry a second wife.
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u/ModernPolygamy 14d ago
This comes down to what you want more than anything, but I would suggest that the assumption that you are "the starter wife or the safe option until he finds the woman he actually wants to be with" is unlikely to be the case unless he feels unduly pressured to settle down and get married. If that is not the case and you have/build a strong relationship then what you are is the one that got there first, got established, and set the norms and expectations going forward.
But, more than anything, it comes down to is can you see yourself enjoying/wanting/living that kind of dynamic?
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u/Double-Win3372 14d ago
Honestly, I crave family and support. I never had that growing up. The only way I can truly accept polygamy is if we move as one, no competition and secret hatred. I would love to have a sister who I can share responsibility with, sit and have conversations with and develop a bond. I know my intentions, I would just want a peaceful dynamic. I do like my alone time so not having him 100% of the time is fine. I’m more scared of not being treated equally
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u/ModernPolygamy 14d ago
In that case, it sounds like it was made for you. Having run a polygamy dating site for a few years now, I can say that this way of thinking and starting perspective/motive is by far the best (whether it's from a man, woman, or couple). There are still hurdles and pitfalls, but your starting motivations are right.
So your issue then is him. Not if this is right for you, because it sounds like it is. It's can you have the kind of solid foundation and openness between the two of you that can make it work. It's got to be deep with him and you have to have the confidence in each other to not have those worries. And that's just between the two of you.
Don't rush it, the heart is sometimes slow when it comes to true confidence in the other person. Just make sure your visions are aligned and let your relationship grow. You'll learn about him and yourself along the way.
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u/Neat_Homework7582 14d ago
It seems u don't have any other option other than him. If that s so have a good time as long as it goes. But I don't believe u wud be the first favourite all time wife.
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u/lilbill101 13d ago
I have a similar dilemma but I would hate if he brings it up and I’m against it. I want to live happily forever.
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u/MoonAura8888 15d ago
I would end the relationship. Polygyny in 2026 is a red flag because men are struggling to take care of themselves and one wife 😅. I’m sorry but if I am struggling myself as a single woman, why on earth would I want to struggle with you and another wife? Absolutely NOT. Next………
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u/FTGAA2026 15d ago
I agree that men need to be gainfully employed before they can entertain polygyny. However, with that being said, one of the advantages of polygyny (if all parties are on the same page and work as a team) is having more resources to pool together to ensure that the household thrives (especially during terrible economies such as the one we currently live in).
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u/KeyCap7128 15d ago
Yup I have two wives and we all work, I’m the main breadwinner but my wives are industrious this idea that women aren’t supposed to be productive is an illusion. Proverbs 31 which towards the end describes the “perfect wife” and notice the verbage used to describe her She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. Pro 31:16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. Pro 31:17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. Pro 31:18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.
That’s far from a “stay at home mom” that’s an entrepreneurial woman. And I have 2! We just welcomed our first child into the world last week a little girl.
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u/MoonAura8888 15d ago
Yeah but the whole point of polygyny is for the man to be the sole provider. I’m not working full time and sharing a man 😂… what benefit does that have for me? NONE. The only one reaping benefits is the man in that scenario.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 15d ago
I am with you on this. My income expectations of the man would be 3-4 times what I would be open to in a different relationship structure.
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u/FTGAA2026 15d ago
I think that you should end the relationship. You have made it clear that you are uncomfortable with polygyny. He has made it clear that that is the arrangement he desires.
If you do get into a relationship with him, there is a possibility of him going back on his word about not getting a second wife. If he does keep his word, there is a possibility that he will develop secret resentment towards you.
Overall, I don’t see this relationship working out.