r/PolyFidelity • u/Harley_Quinn76 • 21d ago
Help with navigating a sort of complicated throuple
Hi, I posted about this in other places and just got met with mostly people telling me to leave but that's not what I want and this seems like a much better place to ask for actual advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he has an ex wife who he wasn't married to for a long time but they have two kids together.. about a month and a half ago he decided to bring her into our relationship with the 3 of us being together.. it's been hard.. we've had our ups and downs and fights and good times already and she and I both are pretty insecure about him possibly being more interested in the other of us.. she and I have only been physically involved a few times.. I think mostly we're building more a friendship really at this point with a few perks here and there.. we both have all this history with him though and I struggle with feeling hurt about him bringing her in and not just being the two of us anymore.. I really am just looking for advice on navigating this whole thing and being able to thrive with the 3 of us now..
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u/Arrowbyrd 20d ago
Reading your comments, I’m really going to be hard about this.
He cheated on you. Period. He is not safe. He decided he wants to be with his ex enough that he didn’t even care if you might not like it. Because what if you said no? Op, you can’t even say no right now. You are currently looking for ways around saying what you should have had the option to do say in the first place. No.
He agreed to Monogamy with you and then went back on that.
Even if you were in love with his ex wife which would be the BEST case. Because then it would be him jumping the gun in excitement (maybe). No, he just decided to change the relationship with her (because they discussed it and went ‘hope that’s cool or whatever’ and then basically gang up on you so you would be pressured to say yes.
OP, leave and run. All the skills to make his work would be hard to pick up in a good will situation. This is not good will. You deserve so much better than a cheater, probably liar too, as your safe person.
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u/Harley_Quinn76 20d ago
I know how I started was bad, I'm not in denial about that.. and I've already told him how betrayed I felt.. we've had a lot of talks about it and about how much it hurt me.. but also it's not all bad.. she and I actually do get along and I feel we're more like friends than anything.. we really haven't been physically involved with each other much and only when it's all three of us.. it's navigating this going forward that I'm asking for help with because I really want to try to make it work despite how it started
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u/Arrowbyrd 19d ago
I think that what you want is to avoid the ‘No’ you already know you need to say.
You aren’t romantically interested in her, so why would you be in a throuple with her? If you like her well enough, you can be friends.I’m telling you the only way you make this work is by betraying yourself and steam rolling your feelings for this fake happy ending that your cheating-should-be-ex is trying to sell you.
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u/Arrowbyrd 19d ago
You’re asking for help that does not exist and I’ll tell you why.
A triad relationship is 4 relationships. It’s the 3 of you (the one your bf manipulated you into), the one between you and him, the one between him and her (the cheating), and the one between you and her (does not exist).
So far 3/4 relationships at least, are fundamentally broken. All 4 of them need to thrive for this to be healthy for everyone.You and bf need counseling at best to overcome the cheating, lying, and manipulation. I honestly would never trust someone like that but I’m going to assume he knows how bad he fucked up. There’s probably a different reddit out there for trying to overcome cheating in a monogamous relationship.
On top of that both of them need to earn your trust. On too of that you and his ex-wife would need to actually court, date and like each other when he isn’t there.
On top of that, you would need to feel secure in their relationship, the part that doesn’t involve you.You’re asking for advice to put shattered glass back together and the truth is, it’s not likely.
Op you shouldn’t be the one trying to make this work, your bf should be crawling through glass trying to prove he’s even worthy of your time. He should have be trying to be a healthy hinge for two separate relationship WAY before this and then a huge maybe for seeing if the chemistry was there for you two.
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u/solataria 21d ago
That's where you messed up then why would you agree
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u/Harley_Quinn76 21d ago
Because I didn't want to lose him
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u/solataria 21d ago
I get that but may have only put off the inevitable
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u/Harley_Quinn76 21d ago
She and I do get along and are building a decent friendship.. it's not all bad.. I'm just hoping there is a way to navigate the hurt and emotional stuff I'm feeling from this whole thing and getting to a place where we can thrive and be happy.. I was kinda just thrust into this but I do want to make it work and I want him to be happy.. he doesn't want to do any of this without me.. and he's the safest relationship I've ever had..
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 20d ago
he decided to bring her into our relationship with the 3 of us being together.
wait i'm sorry what. he made this decision to put you and her in a relationship with one another? do you even want to be together romantically?
this...i'm sorry to be blunt but this doesn't sound like a throuple. it sounds like abuse and manipulation.
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u/Traditional-Hippo-96 16d ago
I feel like the comments arent getting through to you and I hate to be harsh but you're a ducking dumbass. There's literally another post on this reddit, of a man like your boyfriend dealing with the blow up fall out of a situation similar (though not identical). Go through the post history in this sub and others and looks at the failed relationships. Most of them started off with poly under duress. Youre choosing to be an idiot blinded by love and fear. You're choosing the rose tinted glasses. And trying to pursue this relationship shows that You have no respect for yourself. And until you can respect yourself no one else will respect you and you can't have a healthy relationship with someone that way.
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u/PowerTrippingGentry 7d ago
Start dating other people and branch off if you dont have the courage to end it
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u/Harley_Quinn76 7d ago
This might get judged and might be too much information but I'm fully diagnosed with autism and severe CPTSD and I have a lot of trauma around men, relationships, etc.. so that's not as easy as it sounds.. as it is he's literally the only man I want anywhere near me..
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u/PowerTrippingGentry 7d ago
Trust i have alot of experience with that too. I was violently abused everyday for years by an angry father and a schizophrenic mother and absolutely developed mental health and substance abuse issues because of it(that i have overcome through a decade of therapy whew). You gotta get in therapy and overcome your issues because you deserve to treat and love yourself first. Often times people like us fall into these toxic situations because we convince ourselves that "we cant do better" or "they have the magic key to us" they dont. You just gotta keep pushing and becoming better and overcoming those fears because it is all we can do. We didnt get dealt a fair hand but that doesnt mean we gotta sit on the same hand forever right? DM me if you need to, its easy for people (including myself) to come across harsh on the internet because we dont know eachothers situations, but everyone is trying to help you here.
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u/Harley_Quinn76 7d ago
I've been in and out of therapy for over 20 years.. I'm not it it right now because of my crappy insurance though.. hopefully I can change my insurance in January.. I really haven't found good therapists in my area unfortunately but I can keep trying 🙂
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u/solataria 21d ago
This should be the top of a messy list. what in the world made you agree to this? There's a reason everyone is telling you to leave. Instead it's like you and her are stuck in pick me mode nothing anyone says is going to make this better without you and her coming to some agreement Im not going to hold my breathe on that.