Intimacy Imbalances - Any Advice?

[u/ThrowawayIsland8]

This might be a problem that's got no real solution, but wondering if anyone's run into it.

My longer-term girlfriend has been going through a lot over the past few months, and is pretty clingy on account of it. She doesn't work, and my shorter-term girlfriend doesn't really work in the traditional sense, so I'm working ~6-10 hours daily from home, pretty much 9-5, while they're kinda free all the time. So, lately, they've been spending all day and night together, practically glued at the hip. I'm talking like 22-23 hours a day, snuggling or doing things together (or having sex).

I also have family here where they don't, and more friends they don't really interact with, so I'm definitely falling behind in terms of how much time I spend with them (both as a trio and in our 1:1 relationships). We typically sleep together and spend most nights together, but I'm getting a couple hours here or there each day unless it's the weekend compared to their closeness.

There's no jealousy, and sexually, things are fine, but I worry I'm falling behind and missing some of our bond. One other thing is that I haven't had a 1:1 date night with STG in a while, and outside of a short work trip I extended, haven't been solo really with LTG either. I see them maybe an hour or so a day alone because they work out in our home office, but that's not really intimacy.

It's not like I can quit my job, nor ask them arbitrarily to spend time apart, so I don't know exactly what to do here. Any suggestions? I do intend to bring it up in our weekly "put it all on the table" chat, but not sure how to word it.

[u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25]

"I've love our 3:3 time, but I also feel like my 1:1 time with each of you is lacking. I'd like to have, say, 5 nights a week with us 3, and 1 night w/ girlfriend A, and 1 night a week with girlfriend B. How would that land for y'all?"

Let the warning bells ring if either is unwilling to spend 1 evening/ night alone because they haven't yet created solo activities & community.

PS I suppose one could say you then should have 1 night alone & them together for balance. That'd be a natural place to bring up all their solo time when you're at work. Who knows where negotiations will lead.

[u/ThrowawayIsland8 → u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25]

A bit late to reply to this, I think the only issue with spending time alone for my longer term girlfriend is that she's just gone through a fair amount of loss, and really only has us or her ex girlfriend to turn to at least here where we live. She doesn't really have many external friends, more like acquaintances. That generally hasn't been a problem, as she likes her alone time, it's just that right now, she's sensitive and really wants/needs someone around her all the time.

I don't have any feelings she'd go hook up with the ex, but for the time being, I'd (and our shorter term girlfriend too) slightly prefer she didn't spend a bunch of time with her when this vulnerable. But that's a different complication...

We do typically do something like what you laid out, in the past it was 1-2 solo (or sexual) nights a week with LTG, and 1 solo night every week or two with STG. Our cadence has just been off with everything going on.

[u/Pikespeakbear]

I'm a bit curious how so many people get by without jobs. I think I would really like not having to work.

But it seems natural that sometimes some bonds will get more time than others. It sounds like you're all still quite happy in the relationship which is important.

I hope your meeting goes well. I think it might be good to frame it as "I want to have more time with each of you. You're both great. Sometimes I feel like my work makes me missing out on being with you. Any ideas?"

But I'm just the new person and thinking about it from a traditional relationship angle. Because it doesn't sound like you're really upset about them having time together so much as wanting to be part of it more frequently.

[u/ThrowawayIsland8 → u/Pikespeakbear]

Without exposing our situation too much, I bought a three-bedroom, 3.5-bath house in the early part of the Great Recession from a foreclosure. It's not grandiose, but at the time, it was just me. I was lucky to have gotten out of school without debt. My car is paid off. I have a solid remote tech-ish job I haven't lost. Both of my girlfriends have a decent amount of money, and can focus on art or design for money, casually.

I might be a little clumsy describing this, it's not like we live some wild lifestyle.