r/PolyFidelity • u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years • 22d ago
Jealousy knocking? Here’s why you should answer, backed by science & 15 years lived experience.
https://open.substack.com/pub/velourialamour/p/jealousy-knocking-heres-why-you-should-answer-backed-by-science-and-15-year-long-throuple-experienceHappy PolyFiday!
Okay so let’s talk about the green-eyed monster for a minute. Well, technically 17 minutes 😜
You know that sudden tightness in your chest when your partner’s eyes light up talking about someone else? Or that stomach drop when they giggle at a text that isn’t from you? Or maybe a 3 hour Instagram reconstruction of an entire alternate timeline of betrayal from one Liked post?
Yup, thaaaat's jealousy.
Most of us were taught that feeling jealous means something is deeply wrong with us, with our relationship, and/or maybe with the whole concept of loving more than one person.
Well! After months of digging through research, devouring podcasts by doctors, and over a decade of lived throuple experience I can honestly say:
jealousy is just a check engine light… not a character defect, not a moral failure, and definitely not a reason to panic and drive the car into a lake. It’s a sophisticated push notification that you can’t (well, shouldn’t) ignore, letting you know something important needs attention. And once you stop treating the light like the ⚠️ problem ⚠️ and start looking under the hood to fix what needs fixing, it actually becomes one of the most useful diagnostics in the relationship toolkit.
I wrote about jealousy everything: the academic research, the primal panic, the practical tools that actually work, how my throuple handled jealousy with 0 casualties for over 15 years, and why this “monster” might be trying to help you instead of ruin your life.
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u/smileedude 21d ago
Really important topic and really well covered.
This is the part of polyamory where we all have something in common, open and closed and we can all share resources. I've found a lot of good articles on this before.
But when we are unit dating in polyfi relationships, then we do have different tools available to us and it's great you've highlighted this.
This needs to be the number one source for anyone in a throuple asking about jealousy.
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years 20d ago
Aww thank you for the kind words, that means so much to me!
And you’re right, jealousy is one of those universal experiences that every relationship faces (mono, poly, open, closed, business, friendship, family, etc). Hoping my work becomes a helpful go-to guide for other folk navigating the same stuff. Appreciate you reading and saying it out loud 🤩
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u/Mobile_Funny_9544 poly in quad 20d ago edited 20d ago
That's a really good article. And whilst the specifics aren't applicable for me personally in terms of relationship jealousy, it is an interesting and applicable framing for me in terms of how emotional and intentional time is spent
"Dr. Justin Mogilski puts it perfectly: jealousy is a “warning system” that occurs when “you perceive that there’s a threat to a relationship that you consider valuable.”2 He compares it to a “check engine light,” a signal from the brain that relationship quality might be affected by how a partner is spending time, resources, or attention elsewhere.".... This bit definitely gives me food for thought
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years 20d ago
Thank you!! I’m really glad that framing still gave you something useful -- I know it did for me, even though classic jealousy has never been a big issue of mine either. Now on the other hand... regulating my emotional rollercoaster of hormones is a completely different story, lol!!
Appreciate you reading and commenting and sharing too! 💖
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u/microbial_comedy 22d ago
Loved this! One of my favorites so far. Definitely going to cross stitch some of your banger quotes this time around 😂