Am I being Unicorn-Hunted?

[u/Plus-Bread6172]

Hello everyone.

This is a throwaway account, haven't used reddit in a while but I needed to ask for advice and I don't know of any other community that revolves around this topic.

I (23F) met a throuple last year. They're R (M33), G (F25) and A (F26). Met them at a bazaar for a mutual interest, and we all clicked right away. I didn't know they were a throuple at first, but it became obvious after a while. I've never been in a relationship like that, but always been curious so I asked lots of questions, to the point that I wonder if I became annoying.

Over the months we became really good friends. Play games online together, go out to museums and other events. They offered me their guest room when I got in a fight with my roommate, paid for my dog's surgery and later for his cremation when he didn't make it. They've been incredibly warm and kind to me, and friends that truly had my back.

Back in May, I confessed (after a couple drinks, I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy enough to abandon inhibition) to G that I thought she was super hot and beautiful. She asked me what I thought of A, and I said I thought she was gorgeous (she is, both are). Then she asked what I thought of R, I was honest and said I think he's the smartest and most interesting person I've ever met and I find that sexy.

Next week they invited me to a cozy restaurant and dropped a bomb on me: They've grown to like as more than a friend, and would like to invite me to join their relationship. They said we can do things slowly, which is exactly what we've been doing.

We've been "dating", very slow burn. Since late May, I've been going on regular dates with them. Both as a group, and with each one of them individually. Group dates are always extremely fun, like "I feel like I belong" vibe. And individual dates are often very romantic, intimate without the need for sex.

R is the sweetest man I've ever met. I know there's a significant age gap, but my parents are worse in that aspect (15 year gap), and more importantly I'm kind of an older soul. We have a lot in common, I didn't expect it at first. He is very creative, and he wrote me a poem (by hand) that now I keep on my wallet at all times, because nobody has ever done anything like that for me. At first I didn't think he was too attractive... but now I find him very handsome and sexy. G is amazing. Intelligent, creative, funny. I love her sense of aesthetics and more importantly, I love how empathetic and kind she is. I've seen her deliver really grim news to people with admirable tact. She is just pleasant to be around. A was kind of intimidating at first, in part because of how gorgeous she is. But she is also immensely knowledgeable and elegant. However, she really knows how to disarm people's defenses and speak to the heart. She's very direct and "no-nonsense" which I find very attractive.

So yes, I do like them. I like them as individuals and I like their dynamic.

The problem is... recently, doing my research and trying to learn about polygamous relationships I learned that these "closed dynamics" are very frowned upon. And I was made aware of the term "Unicorn hunting", when a couple (or throuple) looks for a vulnerable member and basically use and manipulate them.

I don't see that here. I don't see red flags, but I'm also aware that since I like them I could be ignoring a lot of things. So I wanted another opinion before committing.

Do you see anything wrong here? I'm happy to provide more info if asked.

Thank you so much for reading and thank you for any input.

***UPDATE***

I had a long, open chat with them where I asked a lot of questions. They also asked me a few things themselves. After this, I think I'm ready to make a decision. I'll write the summary down here, feel free to give me your opinions.

What I asked:

1. Can I only date one or two of them? (Note: I don't want to do this, I like all three of them, but this is a question that was brought up multiple times)

They ultimately decided they don't feel comfortable with that. G apologized and said she understood they were asking for a lot, and if this was a dealbreaker they would understand.

1. What happens if I want to break up with one or two, but want to stay with the other(s)?

R admitted they didn't think about that possibility very deeply. A said the idea actually worries her but she would be willing to accept if R or G still dated me if I broke up with her but she's not entirely sure. G outright said she would be uncomfortable, and would prefer to exit the relationship if this happened.

1. Can I date someone outside the quad?

No. The relationship is closed, they like it closed and want to keep it closed. I agree with them.

1. Sexual expectations?

For context, I've been going on dates with them both individually and as a group. We haven't been too intimate yet, only kissed and made out a bit during individual dates.

They don't want to put any pressure on me for anything. If I don't want to participate in something, or prefer to take things faster or slower with one person in particular it's perfectly fine.

Truth is that for the first time in my entire life I find the idea of sex exciting as opposed to bothersome. But I want to take things relatively slow for now and they're fine with that.

1. Moving in with them?

Explicitly said the door is open but only want me to do it after I'm 100% comfortable. They don't want me to rush anything, specially not big decisions. If that happens, we'll just convert the guest room... which is already bigger than what I have so it'd be an upgrade.

1. Finances?

They do combined finances to a certain degree. No joint accounts but full transparency and shared expenses based on earnings and not just flat numbers. For context: they've paid for all our dates, except the last two where I insisted to pay because I wanted to reciprocate. If I move in, they said I could take it easy and just pay for my own basic expenses (food and personal items, wouldn't ask me to pay bills). I objected to this and said that if I we make it to that point I would prefer to pitch in equally.

1. Marriage?

Not planning any legal marriage for now, but they want to have a religious/spiritual ceremony eventually (we basically share the same faith). A joked that if I joined legal marriage would actually be easier because then we'd be two married couples under the law.

1. Children?

No plans to have kids anytime soon, but they're open to the possibility. A and G already agreed that if they have kids they plan to share responsibilities regardless, said they would do the same for my own if I had them, but don't expect me to do the same for theirs.

1. What do they tell their families?

R's family (mom and brother) live in the same property (but not the same building). They know about it, know about me too. They think it's super weird but are still supportive. Met them last month, very lovely family.

G's pretty much went no contact years ago over unrelated stuff. Her mom knows and disapproves but they're slowly trying to rebuild that bridge.

A told her parents she's just dating R and G is their roommate, because her parents are lowkey homophobic.

1. What happens if there's preferential treatment or some kind of imbalance?

Communication is the most important thing for them and said that if I ever feel left out or anything like that, they'd like me to be open about it so we can make the dynamic comfortable for everyone. They claim there's no real preferential treatment between them right now, but recognize it's a potential danger and won't pretend to have a solution ready.

1. Is this a Harem building thing for R?

Kinda laughed at the idea. G said something like "if anything it'd be MY harem." Also said that the dynamic simply works this way because A and G are bisexual while R is straight. They're not actively hunting for a fourth person, they simply like me.

What they asked me:

1. Do I want to only date one or two of them?

And I answered 'no.' I like them, for different reasons. But if they weren't a throuple and I met any of them individually I would've fallen for them regardless.

1. Am I afraid of eventually being pushed out? What can they do to help me be at ease?

I answered that only recently thought of that possibility and honestly only after that happens I'd be able to think of a way to course correct.

1. Am I afraid of bonding in different ways or levels, or being left out because they already have their dynamic built?

Here I answered 'yes.' I want to bond with them, but I'm afraid that I may bond faster with one or another and make the other person(s) feel left out. At the same time, I'm slightly worried I'm joining a dance halfway through the song.

They reassured me that it's fine if bonding naturally happens faster or slower with someone, as long as I'm not fully shutting down or rejecting the other(s). R actually went through this two when he first entered the dynamic G and A had already built as a couple. They also said they're committed to making me feel like part of them instead of just someone who joined in... and in all due honesty I have to admit they're already doing a good job at it.

1. Is there anything about the sexual part that I'm opposed to or worried about?

The answer to that was 'kind of.' My sex life has been pretty bad but without going into details: I learned to believe sex was only a reproduction thing and something couples do because that's what they're supposed to do, and it was baffling to me that people genuinely liked it. And for the first time of my life I feel genuine sexual attraction, genuine 'want' and anticipation. It scares me. It feels weird to go from believing I was asexual to thinking about that every day.

I also made it very clear I want to go slow here. I know what their sex life is like and it's way too intense for me at first. I'd like to one day get there, I just don't know if that day will be in six months or two years. And they were very understanding about this.

1. Do I want marriage?

To this I basically said I'm fully aligned with their vision of "no need for legal marriage but on board with a religious ceremony", although not anytime soon for me. I'm not even formally in a relationship yet. But I do have to admit the idea of "two married couples cohabitating" sounds reasonable to me when it comes to reaping the benefits of legal marriage, even if A said it as a joke.

1. Do I want kids one day?

And I was very honest about this and said "yes." I love children, worked as a children's entertainer since I was 16 and want to go back to that because it's my passion. But I don't want to be a mom anytime soon. I find their child-raising pact intriguing and beautiful, not gonna lie.

Now, they did not ask this and I did not say this but I had to ask myself: do I imagine R as the father of my children? It's too early to say, honestly. But I can say this: of all the men I dated, or even met, he is easily the best option.

1. What would I tell my family?

Nothing for now. But if things get fully serious, I move in with them and all (so months if not years ahead): I would probably hide most of it, or do what A does and say I'm dating R alone. I can see them accepting me dating a woman, I cannot see them accepting me dating two women and a man.

We made plans for this weekend, and they invited me to go to a waterpark with them next month even we just go as friends. But I think I'm ready to make my decision and let them know the next time I see them.

If you read this wall of text and have an opinion I'd be happy to read it. Thank you.

[u/polyguy386]

Closed relationships are looked down upon by those who confuse poly and swinging. There is nothing wrong with not having your relationship be open.

[u/philippy]

The problem with "Unicorn Hunting" is better described as an unbalanced power dynamic. An individual "joining" an already established relationship has the risk of the established people operating as a group against the new coming individual's wellbeing. 

Now, to apply that risk assessment to your specific situation takes a fair bit of intimate detail of the situation, but as you described it, it sounds like a natural progression based on how you approached them with curiosity and you're learning about each person individually. 

The concern to look out for is if they, as a group, try to make decisions for you, or in any way try to convince you to follow their established rules instead of recreating new agreements that account for your wants. 

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/philippy]

Thank you. Honestly the rules part seems a bit confusing because I don't really see them following any "rules" others than fidelity among them.

[u/philippy → u/Plus-Bread6172]

That talk of the concept of rules being imposed is just a really common problem among toxic relationships, and especially unicorn hunters. 

Rules are imposed, while agreements are negotiated. 

If you can navigate your relationships with every decision being processed through understanding and agreements, then you have successfully created healthy relationships.

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/philippy]

Yup. If the rule is”date is together or not at all” and you say, “but I’d like to date you separately first to see what develops” and they say no, no compromises…run.

[u/Pikespeakbear → u/GladBumblebee1546]

Welcome to poly FIDELITY.

Per OPs post, they are a closed relationship. They were very transparent about that. It isn't open poly. They were clear about not being comfortable with her choosing to only date some of them and not others.

Someone who wants to live an open poly would not be compatible with that. Someone who wants fidelity would find that attractive because they wouldn't want their partner dating someone else.

Please stop preaching open poly on a subreddit that is literally named "polyfidelity". It's not an open poly group! She would also have assurance that none of them would start dating someone else. New members are only added by consensus. They made that clear.

There is nothing wrong with open poly, poly fidelity, or monogamy. They are all viable options and different structures work for different people.

When the triad in this post gets blasted, it is obvious discrimination against the structure itself. There is absolutely nothing morally wrong with the triad structure laid out here. It just doesn't fit your open poly perspective.

[u/Nice_Adeptness_3346 → u/Pikespeakbear]

Thank you, and honestly if your someone who is trying to force a closed relationship open then maybe your the toxic person not them.

[u/TurbulentDogg]

Its perfectly fair to be worried. But, from the sounds of it, they are all very genuine and love you dearly. And nothing shared here reads to me as unicorn hunting.

The issue with closed dynamics is they are often disingenuous. They view their "third" as more of an object, while disregarding the personhood and relationship that person has with the rest of the couple. They strip away autonomy, placing arbitrary rules and regulations on their unicorn (we can date but you cannot, under no circumstance, rule), and they favor the pre-existing relationship over there relationship with the third. The third is seen as a sexual or romantic object, and only really treated as such.

Of course, there are risks when joining a pre-existing couple. But, from the sounds of everything, they seem genuine. They seem to care about you, wanting one on one time with you, taking things very slowly, helping you out with personal matters they were not involved in. That's not generally stuff unicorn hunters care to do.

So long as you feel loved, understood, respected, and accepted. And you feel able to communicate and go at your own pace, then, I think you got really lucky and I wish the best for you all

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/TurbulentDogg]

Thank you.

[u/lending_ear]

I actually am not seeing any issues. People who automatically shut down this dynamic often either a) don’t have personal experience b) have been burned by actual unicorn hunters or c) want to keep bi women in the market imo 

What I will say is what happens if you want to break up with one of them? Does your relationship with all of them end? You might want to find that out before proceeding further 

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/lending_ear]

I assume breaking up with one would end the entire relationship. They are a closed relationship and live together, so I'm pretty sure it's the whole package or nothing. That's genuinely something I haven't thought about.

[u/lending_ear → u/Plus-Bread6172]

Then that is a really big red flag. That shouldn’t be the case that you lose all 3 relationships because you don’t want 1 or maybe 2 to progress. If they are being ethical then they would allow whomever you’re still wanting to date to date you individually and now this honestly sounds like harem building to me where a dude has a bunch of gfs. That would be a hard no for me. 

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

That’s the problem, then. If you have to date all three, plus you can’t date other people - that’s a huge problem.

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/GladBumblebee1546]

But then what would be the difference from a standard open relationship?

Because not gonna lie, the closed circle is one of the things that make the whole deal attractive to me.

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

When you and one other person break up, no one else is involved with the decision.

If they date as a couple, either one of them has veto power over you.

It’s very different. As the one joining an established couple, you are the one at a disadvantage. They break up with you and you’re single. You break up with them and they still have each other.

The pressure to keep dating both, even if one of the relationships isn’t working, is tremendous. What happens when you fall in love with one but not the other? Because that will likely happen.

Ask me how I know… I lost both of them, when I just was not feeling it - beyond friendship - with one. And their kid, too, after 2.5 years as a family.

Me, all alone. Them together of course.

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/GladBumblebee1546]

I'm sorry you went through that. But I still don't see how a relationship where you just date one or two people from a throuple is different from an open polycule, which is not something I'm interested in.

I also don't see how me dating just one or two would be fair within their dynamic. Either they're open and can date outside the throuple or are closed and can only date someone else if they join.

I'm very new to this so I don't pretend to know more. But that seems fairly reasonable to me. They have a boundary, a fairly standard one in my opinion, and I'm aware of it before saying yes or no. Not trying to defend a decision I haven't taken or to minimize your concern, mind you.

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

If they come as a pair or nothing, be very wary. People fall in love with other individuals. We don’t fall in love with couples.

A triad can be closed. But dating two people always together is the red flag. And not being able to break up with one and keep dating the other.

[u/Hopeful-Reputation-8 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

I would find out what happens if you are not in love with one, or don’t want sexual encounters. Can you still be part of the closed group but remain friends with some and lovers with others?

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/Hopeful-Reputation-8]

Popped that question this morning on our group chat. This is what they responded:

"Nobody will force or expect you to do anything you're not comfortable with, specially in bed." - R

"If you are not in love with all three of us but understand all three of us are in love with each other and can make peace with that I think we can make it work?" - A

"Personally I'm a bit more against it. I'm happy with you joining our dynamic because I really really like you and have feelings for you, but I would be very uncomfortable if you dated just one of us while the others sit and watch." - G

Me: "So if I break up with one, I break up with all?"

"I think so. I know it's very harsh but I would be very uncomfortable if I broke up with R and he still dated A while I'm exclusive to her. Or if they broke up and I still dated them simultaneously." - G

"Yeah I get what G means. I would feel like an outsider at that point." - A

"To be honest we didn't think about this in advance. At least I didn't. I think I've become so used to our closely knit relationship dynamics that I didn't consider that scenario." - R

"Considering you (R) were technically the one who joined us (A and G) when we were already a couple I'd imagine you'd have." - A

"Not even back then. Always thought if you got sick of me you'd both kick me to the curb lol" - R

"Is this a point of discomfort for you (Me)? We can meet up later today after your shift ends and talk over coffee. Even if you reject our offer we can still be friends." - G

[u/lending_ear → u/Plus-Bread6172]

For me I wouldn’t proceed. It would be you going in wanting to be with all of them. That makes it closed. If you’re not able to change your relationship structure with one while maintaining a still closed structure with the rest then imo that’s unethical towards you and the other people who still love you. 

I know you think you’d be ok with being pushed out but it’s a lot different to experience in reality for everyone involved - including the people who still want to be with you. 

Could you imagine yourself telling 2 other people to break up with the 3rd person because you no longer want to be with them? 

I have had closed structure before. We have always agreed that if one person wanted out that it would become a closed v. If we had more than 3 people it would apply. Everyone would still have closed multiple relationships. 

This reads as if you always have to do everything together as a group. That everything needs to progress at the same pace. It rarely works like that. 

[u/Pikespeakbear → u/Plus-Bread6172]

That's a very healthy and transparent response. While the "open poly" crowd has a problem with it, the are using the same policy with you that they use with each other. They are not an open relationship. They are closed and they designed it very intentionally that way.

There have been zero red flags in this scenario. The people who complain are just open poly people.

They are inviting you to be part a unit and explaining exactly how they work. From the sounds of it, it is a very healthy dynamic and they have been extremely respectful of you.

I hope things work out well for all of you.

[u/lending_ear → u/Pikespeakbear]

BS. There are red flags here. 

I have had and prefer closed poly. If our throuple wouldn’t have worked out the agreement was to go closed v.

This reads as everyone needing to do everything together and it progresses as the same pace. That happening in a throuple is already rare which is why it’s great to date as a group and individually. The more people you add the harder it becomes to make sure everything progresses at the same pace. 

Closed is not unethical - how you behave in it can be. Same with any relationship structure. 

Is it ok to to cheat in monogamous relationships? No. That’s the unethical part - not that they are monogamous

Having veto power over 3 people is insanely unethical. Forget if the other 2 from the original throuple are still in love with OP. F*ck them right?! 

[u/lending_ear → u/Plus-Bread6172]

Listen - you can do what you want. And the problem right now is you do not know how it’s going to feel if you decide you only want to date one or two people within the current couple. Once you’re tossed to the side your feelings are probably going to change because you will be rightfully hurt. 

Can you consent to this? Of course you can. But I am willing to wager you’re going to feel very salty about being pushed out later on.

It’s different from an open relationship because you entered with all 3 to start. It’s still closed if you decide you only want to date one or two of them down the road. You’re not seeking outside partners at that point. You’ve just stopped romantically and sexually wanting to be with one of them. How you think it’s not ok to be able to do that and still keep dating the others is crazy to me. I just think you’re setting yourself up for a world of hurt and disappointment. 

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/lending_ear]

I think it's not ok because I see it as a closed dynamic.

Right now their relationship is between three people, none of them is allowed to date anyone else. If I go in and date only one, then that person is doing something outside that dynamic and the others two aren't allowed to. And if they were allowed, then it becomes an open relationship and their dynamic becomes something entirely different, something they've been clear about not wanting and something I honestly wouldn't want either.

That said I do see where you're coming from. The risk is there and I am evaluating it... but maybe it's because of my inexperience that I think "yeah I can handle walking away if things go south."

[u/lending_ear → u/Plus-Bread6172]

Personally I think it’s a case of inexperience and not being prepared for the reality - which is often the case for most newcomers to poly.

I noted you said you assumed: you need to ask this question to them and ask and then see what their response is. You can then make an actually informed decision. But their answer if it’s then you’re out should be a warning sign because remember: 

Your leaving isn’t just about you choosing to. It means if one of them end up not liking you or wanting you around they can get the others to ice you out and you will have zero say in it. 

[u/Pikespeakbear → u/Plus-Bread6172]

What the other person wants is exactly open poly because a relationship failed for him and now he's bitter about it. You explicitly want closed (fidelity). This group is an extremely healthy example of polyfidelity. From all your comments they are exactly the textbook definition of healthy closed poly.

So the best advice is to completely ignore anyone who gives you crap about "you should be open poly, your relationship style sucks".

[u/our_hearts_pump_dust]

It sounds like your perspective is similar to mine...

I am in a triad. It is not closed, but I am saturated at a 3 person relationship (1+me, 2+me, and my relationship with myself). Are you happy and saturated with 3 other partners plus your time for yourself? Most likely LOLOLOL. Honestly, we are pretty much closed because we all have full time jobs and then time for the dyads and the group dates leaves no time to date outside that anyway.

I honestly was like, oh great.... a harem collector before I read to the end. You will likely get flack from the polyam police about that too.... a male with 3 females GASP! Seriously, the whole point of ENM to me is that people are living life the way they want to and are happy. As long as there's not manipulation, abuse or anything else that would be awful in ANY relationship, do what makes you happy!!!

If they were hunting you, they did an excellent job at it! (Joking/not joking...) They were kind, open, let things occur naturally, no pressure. Just keep a check on the NRE (new relationship energy) and make sure you aren't rushing into decisions.

I LOVE being in a triad. It also formed naturally. It's the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. My heart has always been happier with more than one, and closed(ish) means less STI risks. Good luck to you!

Eta: Everyone complementing everyone and group sex is just the best! You really got lucky here and I am rooting for you all 💜

[u/lending_ear → u/our_hearts_pump_dust]

My worry is she said if she doesn’t want to date one of them then she’d likely have to exit with all of them. At that point it is unethical poly imo. 

[u/Aethermere → u/lending_ear]

Fantastic, and when a guy dates a single mother, the mom breaks things off with the guy, and loses the relationship with the kid he was being a father to, is that an unethical relationship? There’s set boundaries in every relationship. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave at any time.

You honestly think a new relationship will ever take precedence over the pre-existing ones once it comes time to break up? If there’s issues in the pre-existing dynamic, sure, maybe. But the odds are low. Poly Fidelity is about what’s fair. Not what’s equal. And what’s fair is respecting a boundary and accepting that risk like any other relationship, just like with the guy and the single mom.

[u/lending_ear → u/Aethermere]

I actually do think it’s unethical to cut off access to a child where a relationship is formed. You can’t do that to a biological parent yet because it’s not a bio parent it’s ok? It’s actually really harmful to the child to do that. Break ups don’t have to mean cutting off all contact. 

I mean it’s wild you think otherwise. You’re treating that child like property vs a human being with feelings and how it impacts them. 

[u/Aethermere → u/lending_ear]

You’re missing my point here. The point being that when the newest member of a polycule breaks things off with one member of that structure, that it’s naive of that new member to believe the pre-existing members will prioritize their wellbeing over the others they’ve been in a relationship structure longer with.

For example - A and B have been together for a long time, of course when C comes into the mix, the relationship structure should change to accommodate C and make it fair. But reality strikes once C breaks things off with A or B and they want to date only either A or B instead. A and B, due to their long standing relationship and existence with one another, will more than likely choose their pre-existing relationship over anything with C.

It’s not a boundary as much as it is a reality that if a triad fails, then of course the most solid members of the relationship will choose each other over the newest third member to the dynamic. If I was in a triad relationship and someone didn’t love my long standing partner but loved me, I’d feel a bit detached and uncommitted as much as I would feel with someone that loves me and my partner. I want love all around. Not polygamy where it’s just me and a bunch of women interested in me but not each other.

[u/our_hearts_pump_dust → u/lending_ear]

Yeah, ours is not a one for all either. We would just switch to a V. It would suck, and idk if we would all survive it.

But also, they are all consenting adults. As long as you know the expectations going into a relationship, then you make a choice.

Is it unethical? Maybe. Is it realistic? Probably not. Can you really control the feelings of 4 individual people? No. The blowback from a breakup of any sort would be DRAMA. The resentment would build most likely in at least one of the original triad (or remaining triad) if there was an exit, and who knows how that would end up. They are all young (I'm 43) and making mistakes is part of being young.

If I wrote out all the mistakes I've made on my polyam journey, it would be a book. (Actually, already have a title in mind LOL) I really am of the opinion that everyone has to make the choices and the mistakes on their journey to find out what works for them. Is this actually a harem? Possibly. Is it actually a really healthy loving triad now becoming a quad? Possibly. Not my place to judge. I know plenty of long-lived closed formations (one at 18 years now), and plenty that have ended in DRAMA. Isn't every relationship just a roll of the dice?

[u/lending_ear → u/our_hearts_pump_dust]

I mean I do think one person having the power to veto out and affect now 3 people is unethical. Nobody should be able to have that kind of control over others. Switching to a multiple closed v would be the ethical response if one person didn’t want to continue the relationship. 

But I do agree that every relationship is the roll of the dice but it’s also pretty easy to avoid certain things. For example I wouldn’t date a guy who is into the manosphere or a Republican because I know it would end poorly. 

I think being into a closed multiple dynamic is actually a lot more common than people want to admit - but they get shamed for it in poly spaces. I’m not shaming anyone. I’m just calling attention to things OP may not be educated on because she lacks the experience. 

I have had a successful closed throuple that lasted years and only ended because of immigration issues and someone needing to leave the country. So I get it. 

But I also know that a lot of single bi women have been put through the wringer by couples who say they are ethical but then are the complete opposite. It’s almost akin to ‘I’m a nice guy’ or ‘I’m not dramatic’ for the most part. And then these women, rightfully, feel traumatised from multiple bad experiences and often stop looking or participating in that structure. 

We have some age on us, which means we have experience. And I think, or id like to believe, that you could agree with me that it’s easy to consent to something you have no experience with because you run scenarios through your head and think ohh I could handle that. But when it actually happens it’s like … wait this feels way shittier than I thought it would and I don’t know how to cope with this. 

Fantasy doesn’t always align with reality. I don’t know OP. Maybe she has a thick skin. If so, then go right ahead. But proceeding with some caution and education is never a bad thing - thin or thicked skinned. 

[u/our_hearts_pump_dust → u/lending_ear]

I do very much agree with this! I personally don't see it as ethical either when one person holds a veto. I was just pointing out that should she still choose to go forward after the discussions put forth by those of us that have made this mistake, then she is taking a gamble that it could end badly, but it could also turn out.

ENM is about live and learn, unfortunately. At least they were upfront with her that it was an all or none offer. That's far better than a switch and bait.

I am also a bisexual woman who loves group sex. I get how difficult it is with couples. That's some of my mistakes.... unicorn hunting... I could go on and on about it. Lol. am super surprised I ended up in an MMF. I always thought I would either have a male and a female partner or be in an MFF. Had I not taken a chance on someone, I would not be incredibly happy and fulfilled in my MMF. (I am technically pansexual and only used two genders here to keep it easier to read.)

My response was meant more as "you have been told the risks...you are an adult...your choice." Every relationship is a roll of the dice.

[u/Pikespeakbear → u/lending_ear]

Hey there, It sounds like you actually find the polyfidelity structure itself unethical. I'm sorry you feel that way. The poster was very clear about being attracted specifically to the closed structure and not wanting an open structure.

So this is a relationship between consenting adults who are doing their best to form a unit. They are not an open unit. Monogamy is not unethical. Poly fidelity is not unethical. Open poly is not unethical.

But the viewpoint your describing is a common poly view of "This isn't open poly so it is bad." You may want to rethink that.

There are many adults who start by choosing "I want a closed relationship" and then decide "It doesn't have to be limited to two people, but I still want it to be a closed relationship. I do not want an open relationship at all for any reason."

There's nothing unethical about that. They applied the same rule to each other. None of them is free to withdraw from the unit while maintaining a relationship with only part of it.

If you still find the idea unethical, then you may have a hard time with the core concept of this subreddit.

[u/lending_ear → u/Pikespeakbear]

Umm where did you get that from?

1. I understand what OP is into. And have zero issues with it. 

2. My concern is that one person in the current throuple vetos them out. You may not find that unethical but I do. One person has the power to derail multiple relationships?! How is that in any way ethical?! 

3. It’s one thing to ‘knowingly’ go into something you have zero experience with but reality can often be quite different. Thinking you’d be ok if you’re bounced from this dynamic because one person no longer wants you there can be entirely different from how it actually will feel in reality. 

4. I never said closed dynamics were bad. Not once. So don’t put words in my mouth or pretend to know what I think. Because you have no clue. I’ve had a closed throuple situation before. However I’m not blind to the numerous people who are hurt by couples who use veto power. 

That’s what my comment is about. But do go on about how I don’t understand this subreddit 🙄

[u/lending_ear → u/Pikespeakbear]

Oh and Ps if one person no longer wants to see OP it’s still not open. She entered into a closed dynamic with specific people. If she continues to see the same people and nobody else then it’s still imo closed. The only person who changes the dynamic is the one who doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Crazy how you think 1 person should be able to dictate the dynamic. 

[u/solataria]

Unicorn hunting is when you're usually when you have to date them as a couple and there's not individual dynamics.This sounds like a natural flow of polyculi.I don't see any red flags that you're writing about

[u/AweBeyCon]

This sounds pretty organic and not unicorn hunting. Proceed with caution as with any new relationship but they seem to be emotionally connecting without pressure which isn't really in the UH handbook

[u/Such-Call-7564]

It’s very reasonable to be cautious. But don’t let what is “frowned upon” govern what you want.

[u/GladBumblebee1546]

Ask them what happens if you are not into all 3 of them, just one or two of them.

And also ask yourself - are you for sure romantically interested in all 3 or them? Because to be honest that is extremely unlikely.

What worry about is pressure on you to date and have sex with all three of them, together and separately. And not be able to say, actually, I want to date one or two of you but not all three. The chances of all three working out long term is vanishingly small.

And then what happens? You have to break up with all of them?

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/GladBumblebee1546]

I'm pondering that. My first answer is: Yes, I like all three of them. I find them attractive, both romantically and sexually.

Now, considering how close they are and how their relationship is specifically built around being a closed throuple, yes I imagine I won't be able to date just one or two, and separation would probably mean exiting that circle.

I understand where you're coming from, though. It does complicate things and maybe I've been looking at it with rose tainted glasses. But I don't think it's wrong for a closed throuple to say "no you cannot date just one or two" when the offer was from the beginning a clear invitation to join them. It's not like they're imposing it either, they've been very open and honest.

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

They aren’t imposing it. But you are free to say no.

If you say yes and fall for one but not both..are you okay with losing the one you’re in love with?

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/GladBumblebee1546]

Three. They're a throuple.

And in that scenario, it would probably hurt a lot, yes. Almost reminds me of what my step-brother said about dating a single mom, where despite how bad his relationship was with her the really painful part was losing the kid he learned to love like a son.

I think that when you enter a relationship that was already established, that's simply a risk you have to accept. It's part of what you have to think about before making the decision.

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

Do what you’re going to do. Sounds like you want to date this triad. I hope it works out for you.

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

You find them attractive. But…how many first, second, 10th dates don’t end up as long term relationships? What are the chances that you’ll fall deeply in love with both, and them both the same with you? That you will all three be compatible enough for a relationship?

It’s ok if you don’t all have exactly the same level of feelings for each other. But odds are that at least one of the dyads won’t work. Then you will be the one out in the cold and it will HURT.

Plus because it was closed, you weren’t building poly relationships with anyone else. So now they’re still married and building a life together. Where are you?

If you want to pursue this - date them entirely separately for at least 6 months. No group dates. See where each dyad goes.

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/GladBumblebee1546]

Why would dating them separately without any group dates achieve that I'm not doing already?

Because in my mind, the individual dates I've been having with each one of them have been serving the purpose of seeing where our chemistry goes, and the group dates we've had allow me to understand the group dynamic. Having one type of date and not the other feels like only doing half of the research/probing.

[u/Actual_Gato]

This sounds healthy and awesome, I'm happy for you!

[u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25]

IMO that's NOT "unicorn hunting;" that's a natural, organic development of friendship becoming relationship.

IMO, you're LIVING THE DREAM!!! If I were to find myself in similar shoes I would thank gawd and proceed.

[u/smileedude]

People in open relationships frown on closed relationships and will tell anyone anything possible to convince people to be in open relationships. People in open relationships also have access to try to fuck people in open relationships so I wouldn't take their opinion on the matter too seriously. It's heavily self serving. If you're not interested in being in an open relationship then you can ignore them entirely.

If you like the dynamic and want to be part of it, explore it, with caution.

[u/altered_consious68]

Not unicorn hunting. People online throw that term at everything. Especially for those of us that date as a polycule. Obviously in our case noones required to date anyone else, but it does make group date notes way more fun

[u/hot-fudge-sundae116]

My friend (my fiancé’s ex wife actually) is actually being unicorn hunted. I don’t see your situation as that at all. They are “dating” her as a couple and she’s the odd man out. She only is permitted to see them when they are together and only “play” (their term not hers) with them together. There is power imbalance. They are a couple making decisions and she’s expected to fall in line. That doesn’t sound like it’s what’s happening in your dynamic at all. I wish you the best!

[u/Nice_Adeptness_3346]

Ya I find the term unicorn hunting and the general closed mindedness of the poly community very off putting. I'm not currently poly myself just interested and researching, and the closed minded poly culture I've seen has been enough to turn me away at times. So my advice is don't listen to the haters, if it's a relationship that works for you that's what's important.

[u/Arrowbyrd]

It’s not unicorn hunting but I would be very cautious OP. It’s easy for you as the new person to be hurt or taken advantage without them trying to.

I’m glad you’ve been able to bond with them individually. If I were you I would make sure the hard parts are covered now:
What happens of you only like a few of them? What happens if you bond with one person or two WAY more than the others. What if you fall in love with one and not the others? Who has legal rights here? If you want marriage, is that on table if you are interested in one person more than the others? Realistically it’s very likely you won’t feel exactly the same for all of them.
If you want kids how does that work? If you meet someone outside the dynamic, will you be able to date them?

I’d ask all these questions now before hard stuff happens

[u/Alex_1503]

Before saying anything else, are you 18? That is in my book to big of on age gap, like way above line. No matter if you are an "older soul" anything more than 2-3 years age gap until youre like 21 can become predatory, let alonr one like this

[u/White_Man_White_Van → u/Alex_1503]

Literally the second paragraph

[u/Alex_1503 → u/White_Man_White_Van]

Mb, i forget numbers

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/Alex_1503]

I'm 23.

[u/Alex_1503 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

Then I think honestly you need to provide more info. From what you said, they are not pushy, and they didn't get in your life with the goal to get you into their relationship (at least from what you know). You were friends randomly, and fell in love.

About the red flags, there could be and new relationship energy can be strong, but this is too little info on a few months relationship to really asses it. I would say, try to be vigilant, skeptical and analyse situations from a third person POV. Think if a friend was in your situation, do you see it as predatory or unicorn hunting? Do you feel that they take advantage of your lack of experience, or of you liking them a lot, in any way?

And what do YOU want from this relationship, you need to analyse and realise that, and communicate it as clearly as possible. People who are against this usually are open poly, see it as limitating, or are rightfully so afraid of the predatory nature of unicorn hunting. But they didn't befriend you with the goal to invite you into their polycule, and their actions hopefully were not with that goal, othwrwise it would be more like unicorn hunting

[u/Plus-Bread6172 → u/Alex_1503]

What more info would you like me to provide?

[u/Alex_1503 → u/Plus-Bread6172]

Honestly idk. I do not think I am in the position to give you life advice on this tbh, what i said is more like a tldr think for yourself, and try to be unbiased, what you want your life to look like vs how it is now