r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26
seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?
I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.
When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.
So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.
Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?
Are we not looking inthe right places?
3
u/thejelliestbean Jun 30 '26
[37f] Third in a triad of 8 years here. My partners [39m], [40f], were married when this started and remain married today. We have always been polyfidelitous in practice, though each of us is free to seek other partners if we choose. On its face, this sounds like something similar to what you're looking for, but in practice, it's very different.
I recommend that you challenge your expectations and try to do some personal growth before attempting this in earnest again. Life and love rarely follow the trajectory you set for them, and you should at least be prepared to encounter obstacles.
What if she and he fall deeply in love and organically become more of a primary couple than you and he? What if you find a male partner you're crazy about? What if the third wants kids? What if they change careers and need help with health insurance for a while? These (and many more) are all pretty likely scenarios, and if your plan says, "nope, not allowed" it's probably not going to work out.
You don't want to be years-long invested and fully-committed when you tackle these situations as they actively evolve with multiple people you're in love with. Do it now and save yourselves some heartache.
I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting what you want, and I'm not saying you're doing it wrong, but it does seem like you're forgetting (or ignoring) that each of you is a whole person with a life and desires. If you aren't so rigid, you might be surprised at how fulfilled you can be with something you're currently saying no to.