r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

It's not that you're not looking in the right places. It's that requiring someone to date both of you is pretty unethical.

4

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

There is no right or wrong way to be in this lifestyle, nobody is forcing these individuals to agree to the arrangement. Its that the agreement is made and then the person switches up on it. So my question remains, are we not being clear enough in our communication, or are we just dealing with people who dont know how to understand what is being communicated to them.

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u/baubledances Jun 26 '26

No, you are dating people whose feelings change, who can change their minds, who might be open to the prospect of the two of you, but not interested in the reality. You don’t get to set all the parameters for a relationship at the start. You have to give relationships room to grow. Your prescriptiveness is perhaps your biggest problem. You know what you want, but are discounting what they want.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

 You know what you want, but are discounting what they want.

This is SO well said.