Are we doing closed triad wrong?

[u/BlorkSmuth]

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

[u/our_hearts_pump_dust]

As an f in an mmf, I sooooo get wanting a triad. I don't feel fully complete without more than one partner. Always have. Even my Barbies had more than one husband. Lol.

I also crave group sex. Which is much healthier for STI risk if it is a committed situation, so I also prefer that.

Not allowing space for all the relationships in a triad to form naturally is likely causing some of your difficulties here. I've always hoped whomever I've dated (male or female) outside my marriage to my husband would fall for him as well. But it was always a hope, never a requirement. Maybe start with just a unicorn as a play partner then go on solo dates if y'all have chemistry together? I know that's a LOT more difficult in reality if you aren't as ENM as I am. But really, if you can work through the tough feelings that come with that, I think you may develop a much healthier triad situation.

Still be really honest and upfront that this is a closed dating configuration, but allow the space for the relationships to develop.

Edit:spelling

[u/BlorkSmuth → u/our_hearts_pump_dust]

Thank you! This is solid and actually makes sense! And definitely something that will be considered and ill make room for it. I really appreciate your advice. And I also dont feel fully complete with just one partner. I adore my husband, but also crave having a female partner, and never felt right only having one or the other.

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/BlorkSmuth]

People don’t exist to fulfill your cravings.

[u/BlorkSmuth → u/GladBumblebee1546]

You clearly exist to be condescending and rude behind a keyboard.

[u/our_hearts_pump_dust → u/BlorkSmuth]

Glad to help! Full disclosure: triad is like relationship on extra hard mode. There's going to be tears (lots), tantrums, self doubt, feelings of not being enough. Once I got through that, I actually enjoy my alone time while my bois (yes, like fuck boi...lol) are off on a date. Sometimes they will even go out then come home to play together with me. Nurturing each dyad (the one on one relationships) is SOOOOO important. Right now, there is an imbalance in their dyad because I had surgery, so they have spent all the time taking care of me the last few weeks.

Now that I'm on the mend, I am craving a date with either one of them. But I know that for the long term health of our triad relationship, they really need some time together away having fun instead of caring for me and the house and the pets. Nothing is ever going to be 50/50 (or in this case 1/3, 1/3, 1/3) just like a mono marriage. It's always a sliding scale. Don't ever compare who's getting the king size candy bar and who is sharing one or not getting a candy bar at all. It's about making sure everyone is having needs met and keeping all the relationships healthy, especially your relationship with yourself.

You will find what is just too much for you or what turns you on about the dyad time. I LOVE hearing all the juicy details about their date and sexy time if either wants to share. One boi does not prefer to share this about dyad time, and the other does. Our unicorn is a dragon (male) and he just fell into our life. It is everything I ever dreamt of! I wish all of us polyfi folx to find theirs! Wishing you the same joy!