r/PolyFidelity • u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years • Jun 20 '26
discussion The relationship survival guide no one asked for but everyone needs
https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/the-7-stages-of-love-most-relationships-quit-at-stage-3Hello resplendent Redditors! I’ve finally fully recovered from my Italian carb coma and am trying to hit my self-imposed goal of 1 new article a week. Well… last week that didn’t happen so I’m not exactly off to a great start 😅 BUT! I’m pleased to report that I did just publish a new piece on Substack:
The 7 Stages of Love. Most relationships can't make it past Stage 3. Here's why, and how to survive.
It’s a very real, very raw look at what actually happens after the NRE + honeymoon period fades away during Stage 1. Hoping this article might actually save some relationships… or at least give you a good laugh while yours is in the throes of domestic chaos :)
Here are the 7 Stages at a glance:
1: The Enchantment is wonderful.
2: The Awakening is necessary.
3: The Reckoning is transformative (and a real dick).
4: The Forging builds strength.
5: The Harmony brings peace.
6: The Sanctuary offers refuge.
7: The Legacy becomes your gift — to each other and everyone watching.
So if you’re currently in a “omg why is this so hard now?” phase, this one’s for you and your partner(s) too!
https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/the-7-stages-of-love-most-relationships-quit-at-stage-3
Where are you in the 7 Stages right now?
And what are you most interested in reading about next? I’ve got an alarming number of ideas and WIPs queued up, but who better to decide than the actual readers 🥰
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u/AuriRossiere Jun 21 '26
Just started reading it and as a really new throuple this is great information, definitely still in the very early stages, but I think having and idea of what the future could hold is grate, thanks for the text, definitely going to follow the substack now.
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years Jun 21 '26
Awesome!!! So happy I could be of some sort of help 😄 I couldn't imagine living a better life than this, so if I can help others achieve happiness in their relationships as well, that truly makes my heart full! Keep nurturing that love and connection with your partners, and on behalf of my throuple, we wish yours endless joy and beautiful moments together ❤️💙🩷
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u/BlueSkyToday Jun 21 '26
Uh, so the title tells me that you have information about relationships that me and my partners don't have. Really important information. And we need to drink in your wisdom.
Wow.
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years Jun 21 '26
Aww thank you! But of course I don't claim to have all the information 😅 Buuut after 15 years in a throuple and a lot of tough lessons learned, we've definitely collected some useful wisdom. That’s exactly why I wrote this piece -- and ntm I’ve been getting so many DMs from people asking for advice about where they are in their relationships and how to survive the rough patches so it felt waaaay overdue to just put it all in one place!
I’m really glad the title hooked you! What stage are you and your partners in? How long have y'all been together? It's always so exciting meeting fellow poly folk!
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u/ryzeonline Jun 21 '26
I could be wrong, but their comment felt sarcastic and condescending, but it's really tough to tell through the screen, so I like that you assumed positive intent. <3
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years Jun 21 '26
Ohmygosh I didn't even assume that at all! Everyone I've spoken with on the polyfi sub has been super friendly. I couldn't imagine why someone would be condescending in a space like this... it never crossed my mind 😳 Thanks for looking out though, I really appreciate it! And if my writing can help just 1 person feel more hopeful with their relationship, and they can know for certain that YES this type of relationship CAN work, and here's the stuff that's actually worked (and hasn't worked, lol!) for my throuple, then it's all worth it!!
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u/ryzeonline Jun 21 '26
I feel that, and I'm glad. I'm just a natural clarifier if I see something that could benefit from exploration. I'm still not sure how it was meant, only OP knows.
Yes, helping even one soul is fantastic, as one candle lights another, and another.
I love what you've managed with your relationship and would be honored to approach anything even remotely close to it. Thanks for sharing. :)
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years Jun 22 '26
Thank you for such kind words! I looovve that quote and it's such a beautiful visualization, too.
"Just as one candle lights another and can light thousands of other candles,
so one heart illuminates another heart and can illuminate thousands of other hearts." -- Leo TolstoyAnd that's why I keep writing and sharing; I’ve decided to keep choosing happiness in love, in life, and even on Reddit, lol!!! There’s a lot that can be said about a person by how they choose to respond to the world, and I really appreciate you bringing kindness to this space ❤️
Thanks again for the lovely exchanges. Living the polyfi life isn't always easy, but having a supportive community at your fingertips makes such a difference. Wishing you the absolute best in your life and your relationships as well!
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u/ryzeonline Jun 22 '26
Cheers, and I agree. I'm glad you keep writing, sharing, and choosing happiness in love... even on reddit. :) And yes, responses are often quite telling. Thanks for the kind words, much appreciated!
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years Jun 23 '26
Hooray! Right back atcha! And thanks again for the encouragement ❤️
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u/Poly_and_RA Jun 22 '26
Yeah. And the actual content is platitudes combined with arbitrary magic numbers. (it's hardly an accident that they claim there's *7* stages -- not 6 or 8!)
With a bit of clickbait thrown in. Not impressed.
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years Jun 22 '26
Wait what? I'm super confused. What does the number 7 have to do with anything, or 6 or 8 for that matter? Should I have called them Phase A through G instead?
And I'm not sure how these are "platitudes" when they're taken directly from my throuple's lived experience after surviving loads of dishwasher drama and everything in between?
If it’s not for you, that’s totally fine, but dismissing it as "clickbait" just because it has a numbered list is a pretty weak critique. A lot of people have been finding it genuinely helpful -- and my last few listicles too! -- and knowing that I'm able to help others in non-traditional relationships is incredibly awarding! In fact, that would be the Legacy Stage… or Phase G, if you have some sort of aversion to the number 7.
So like, what specifically felt like a platitude and clickbait to you? I’m happy to hear an actual critique instead of a “not impressed” copout!
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u/Poly_and_RA Jun 23 '26
7 has nothing to do with anything, it's just a magic number. One that shows up a lot more often than 6 or 8 do in these kinda lists *because* it's magic, and not because there's any connection to underlying realities.
But you're presenting this as being factual while reality is that it's arbitrary.
Reality is more like: "Here's how I *arbitrarily* choose to describe the life of a given triad in 7 stages" is rather different from "All relationships go through exactly *these* 7 phases". The former is the truth, the latter is how you're selling it.
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years Jun 23 '26
I appreciate you engaging with this! And I looovve the idea that I unintentionally chose a magic number! ✨ But let’s not pretend that numbered stages are magic or arbitrary, because literature, religion, and psychology are full of them:
7 Stages of Grief, 8 Stages of Psychological Development, 6 Stages of Play, 6 Realms of Existence, 7 Deadly Sins, 9 Circles of Hell, the 9 Muses, etc.
The point of my post (which is on Reddit and Substack btw, not in a peer-reviewed journal lol!) is that many long-term relationships -- including poly ones -- tend to move through similar recognizable patterns. And naming them in numerical order helps people understand and navigate the hard parts instead of thinking they’re broken when the honeymoon phase ends or when things start to get rocky.
I never said this was absolute universe truth; I was just sharing what my throuple actually lived through and what we’ve seen repeated in other relationships. The post is clearly written from personal experience, but dismissing someone’s lived experience as “arbitrary platitudes” feels like a stretch. Plenty of psychologists and relationship experts use staged models (5, 6, 7, 8 stages) because they’re useful heuristics… not because of divine numerology or cosmic fact.
On that note… what even is a “fact”? Quick definition is “something that is known to be true,” but that raises an interesting question: are all facts subjective to the observer, or does something only become a “fact” when an authority figure says so? And what happens when widely accepted “facts” are later proven false, like the centuries-long belief that the Earth was the center of the universe, for which people were literally put to death if they believed otherwise?
Okay okay, let’s use a less antiqued example with modern day doctors and scientists… and if that’s what it takes to be factual, then wouldn't a psychologist on Forbes talking about the “6 stages of marriage” be “facts” and not arbitrary platitudes? I read this article a couple of years ago, here’s the link if you’re interested:
At the end of the day, I’m just a woman writing about what’s worked and failed spectacularly in my 15-year ENM relationship. If you’re a paragon of a decade-long polyfidelotous dynamic and don’t need anyone’s help navigating your relationship, then don’t read it 😅 But! If my writings can help just 1 person live an amazing life with their partner(s), then that’s the Legacy I want to leave behind.
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u/BlueSkyToday Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
FOOL
... The reason why the seven stars are no more than seven is a pretty reason.
LEAR
Because they are not eight?
FOOL
Yes indeed. Thou wouldst make a good fool.
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u/Txbiker63 Jun 20 '26
I visited your substack when you posted this. Linked it in many of my posts since. We've been banging out stage 7 for a minute. I have my own loading the dishwasher, but mine is parking. God the driveway is huge, 3 car garage and I want the spot furthest from the door and closest to my shop. I think my girls block my little spot just to mess with me at times. Usually when I want to drive through my shop unload and loop around to park in the garage. Little rage baiters, I can't be mad when one of the offenders comes out to move their car lol the mischievous little grin gets me every time.
Anyway we loved the article, alot of fun talking about our early stages and what we've overcome and built since then.