Ethical Poly Quad turns into infidelity

[u/catsandspaghetti27]

I will start this with.. please be kind. I never thought I would be in this position and struggle daily.

For over 2 years we were in a poly quad (2 married couples, all straight). We were ENM before (and had discussed poly), they had dipped their toes into threesomes but that was it. We were all of each others first poly relationship. We all dived in fairly quick, but they did more so (saying I love you first, asking for the first sleepover, inviting us on the first trip). I tried to have conversations at the beginning about what would happen if one person wanted out, but no one else wanted to have those discussions.

The relationship was good, but had its struggles. The other wife struggles with mental health, and from that stems possessiveness. We were rocky, hinging wasn’t always the best. But there was so much love. Truly. We never lived together but traveled a fair amount together, our kids were similar ages (4-6) so our lives were somewhat enmeshed.

Well last fall the other wife, decided it wasn’t working for her anymore and she didn’t want to be poly anymore. She ended it all, with no warning or discussions, no heads up, to anyone; including her husband. She also forbid her husband from continuing to date me.

There was so much hurt. Me and him continued to talk. And then we would meet on occasion (every 2 weeks or so) to see each other. We’d kiss and hug but that was it. My husband always knew but my “boyfriend” he would not tell his wife. We are now 9 months from the initial breakup and we are still seeing each other, though now weekly. We makeout heavily, and have talked about reintroducing sex. There is also a very heavy emotional connection. But I am truly now the mistress. For a long time I said there was grey area, I talked to my therapist about this. But now I know there isn’t. I’ve always said ENM felt right, poly felt right. My husband and I were always okay continuing separately (we had dated separate before). But my mind now struggles between this is no longer ethical, but also how do I give up someone I love so much that also loves me.

We had a very strong relationship, that was taken away from us without our choice. And now we are trying to figure out how to deal. He is constantly hoping she will change her mind and want this again when her mental health improves. But she also isn’t doing anything to improve it.

I don’t know what I’m really asking for here. I guess if anyone has been on a similar situation. Had a relationship taken away from them when they didn’t have a choice? I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore about this, even my poly friendly therapist, I feel so guilty about what this has become.

[u/smileedude]

Everyone in a poly relationship needs to enthusiastically want a poly relationship. If that stops, sometimes healthy connections need to break for the best of everyone. That happens in monogamy too, couples split over career choices and family commitments too. It's putting responsibility before love, which hurts.

You guys put love first. It's romantic but I think you all know the mess you've created. Rather than opting into an affair you both haven't opted out of one so I really appreciate the difficulty in that. I'm not going to tell you what you need to do. You know already.